Be honest; A question about sex.(18 Posts)
DH lost his sex drive about 6 months ago, He has been diagnosed with low testosterone about 2 weeks ago and is seeing a specialist in 2 months, I dont know if that has anything to do with it but it has been going on alot longer than when he decided to go to the GP. Our sex life before our DS was amazing and he wanted it everynight and I was the one saying that I wanted a break. Now he very rarely wants to have sex and never implys that he wants it; I am always the one to come onto him.
When we do have sex I find it extremely boring, I do enjoy being that close to my DH but all he wants to have is missionary sex everytime.
I have tried introducing toys but he got VERY offended about it so that was dropped.
I ask to change positions but all he wants is missionary. I am very open with DH and I have told him that although I do love having sex with him (About twice a month!) I need something to 'Spice' things up.
I have always been adventurous when it comes to sex and it makes me sad to say that DH really isn't satisfying me at all.
I had a word last night telling him that I really would love it if we tried different things together and all he said was 'You know I don't like that stuff so no'.
AIBU to think that he is being selfish as I do what he wants which doesn't satisfy me everytime and he doesn't want to pleasure me every now and then?
Sorry if it's TMI but I just don't know what else to do, I find myself fanaticising over other men and although I would never cheat on my DH it has upset me that it has come to this.
this might be better in relationships? My husband went through something similar- he is very sensitive and it turns out it was down to stress and depression- he is better now started exercising and sex increased, my husband is slightly 'straight' too so when i did try and spice things up he was more scared off than anything, ask him to go and see his doctor privately to discuss it he may open up, my husband did x
My husband had low 'drive'. Our doctor prescribed V iagra.
Why don't you both talk about sex one night. Preface it by saying you're not after sex, but let's talk about fantasies (obv don't mention other men!). Open up the lines of communication, make it something fun to talk about. It may well be all it takes... he might be feeling inadequate, you can reassure him that he's not.
Yabu. Why don't you leave the discussion until he's seen the specialist and begun any treatment he may be prescribed?
If its a medical condition causing his low sex drive, I'm guessing he doesn't have any control over it? His confidence has probably taken a battering and the last thing the poor bloke needs is pressure.
With relation to spicing things up, he may feel differently once he's been treated.
This sounds like more than you're just bothered by the lack of sex- it sounds like you're upset that he doesn't care about pleasuring you.
Is he going to recieve treatment for his low sperm count?
Talking is the best option. Do you share affection that isn't linked to sex? Is the relationship good outside the bedroom?
He has sought help already... that is a good sign right?
I can say from experience, the more I was reminded and hounded about the lack of sex, the more I didn't want it. I found my DP fairly repulsive when he was so obviously after sex. I spoke to him frankly about it, and things really improved. I still have troubles, mainly because when I am stressed (which is a lot lol) I tend to want to be left alone... but we are still closer now.
Your poor dh! He's been diagnosed with a condition he can't help and is seeking treatment.
All you can do is ask him to spice things up!
Don't you think you need to be a little more sensitive and supportive?
Of you are frustrated that's understandable,but for you to put pressure on him is very insensitive.
Hmmm. It is really hard when sexual compatibilities hit. it sounds great that he is seeking help for the low sex drive, but you say before you had children the sex was amazing..was it more than missionary then?
It's just that it seems like this is not only about low sex drive but a difference in sexual tastes and desire to explore new things? Has that part always been an issue?
Agree w. ThreeWheels. What kind of personality does he have generally ie. does he find change threatening/find routine comforting ? If he does i would be very careful re 'suggestions' ... And some men find huge toys a threat tbh ..
Few ideas might be:
Has he ever admitted something is a secret turn on ..(raunchy underwear/role play/a lap dance (yes i know re that one but its v common)...
Have you ever tried waiting til u are both a little merry and then introduced a flirty chat (alcohol in small amounts lowers inhibitions but too much and well ..)
Ban on penetration for a while takes performance pressure off and leads to more creative foreplay and often to more creative sex thereafter
Possibly wait until he's seen the specialist. He's sought help, so that's a positive and, while it's not satisfying for you, the two of you are having sex.
What made the sex amazing before? Did you use toys and do it in many different positions then?
Will he do massages and things like that? That's very non threatening but still a turn on.
Thank you all for the suggestions.
I do not pressure DH into having sex, If we are laying in bed I'll ask him if he wants it and if he says no I just leave it however I do admit I do get frustrated about it often, not towards him just because we used to have it so often.
I am sympathetic about his low testosterone, I had a talk with him because of his sudden change of attitude towards sex and his personality was changing aswell so I suggested going to the GP and that's how we found out about it but he cannot be seen for 2 months because he is being referred to a specialist and they have no appointments available until then.
Before his low tesostorone he was up for a lot more and more open bout his fantacies then aswell but he has never been into the things that I am.
I would love to sit down and talk to him but even when I mention sex he seems very uncomfortable so I just drop it for his sake.
The massage sounds like a great idea, I will definitely give that a go!
If he has low testosterone you are lucky he is able to perform at all. My dp has had this (medication induced in his case), and it had no end of side effects including not being at all interested in sex or the opposite sex, unable to get an erection, loss of strength and muscle tone and generally feeling less manly.
He saw a specialist (we ended up going private because our local waiting list was so long and it was effecting him so badly) and got prescribed testosterone gel, which has worked really well, and we actually have a sex life now.
Oh and it's worth checking if you have other hospitals locally if their waiting lists are any shorter as they vary considerably.
Does he or did he used to play any sport / running ect.
If he could try and start again it would probably help with raising testosterone levels naturally and also will help if there is any mild depression. I started running with mymate ( both early 40's) last year and we both have noticed a big increase in sex drive - much to the anoyance of our wives i might add!
I don't think twice a month is that awful.... But it is for you, so all I can suggest is pursuing the medical route.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.