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Longish post, AIBU to have told my friend her DS is bullying my DS and other DCs?

(54 Posts)
CastielsTrenchcoat Fri 21-Sep-12 09:43:07

First I will point out they are Reception year age. I didn't use the word 'bully' when I told my friend as that would put anyone's hackles up. I said would you have a word with X as I have just seen him push my DS over for the zillioneth time, DS was crying and didn't want to go into school and it would be a shame if they fell out. I told X off (because she wasnt around and her DH didn't see)and he smiled. Anyway, she said she had a word with X that eve. Next day I see him push my son off the climbing frame and DS narrowly missed smacking his head on something. X then went to push DS off the slide next, but I marched over and gave him a look - he smiled! My DS said their teacher told him off the same day for pushing another boy about. I have witnessed very bad behaviour before from her DS, but it has mostly been laughed off by her. As she is nice, this is the first time I have dared to tell her. Other mums have told me X has pushed their DCs about, calls them names, throws toys at them and is generally unliked by most. My friend seems to think he is an angel and there lies the problem. This morning she blanked me at school. I know that no child is an angel, but the othe DCs get on very well in DS's class until X arrives. She clearly cannot see that X's behaviour is wrong, but it looks like I have lost a friend.

manicbmc Fri 21-Sep-12 10:16:55

She sounds delightful, as does her precious child. hmm

Tell your ds to avoid this kid until he has learned to play nicely. Some kids mature differently, especially when not given clear messages about acceptable behaviour. I'm sure he'll learn eventually.

CastielsTrenchcoat Fri 21-Sep-12 10:55:01

Thank you. I don't want to be thought of as horrible. The other Mums seem relieved that someone has had the balls to deal with this, but it is a shame she isn't happy with me. I would want to know if DS was picking on other children and wouldn't take it personally. I think if X is like this in reception year and his parents think it's fine, what will he be like next year?!

pigletmania Fri 21-Sep-12 10:55:41

I would have given him more than a look op, he would have got a right rollicking off me. This sounds like my friends ds 5, but my friend is so lovely and kind, she is at her wits end about his behaviour. He is very nasty to my dd5 who has ASD, shouts at her that he hates her. We were in the park the other day when my dd went up to him and said hello x you Re my friend, x souts at her pushes her over and shouts your not my friend I hate you. I was so sad for dd it took a lot for her to do that. I told him that he was a rude and nasty boy, friend was so apologetic made him apologise which he did no and took him home

pigletmania Fri 21-Sep-12 10:57:44

She is not much of a friend tbh, he is going to have a lot of problems later if she doesn't stop deluding herself , does something about it

CastielsTrenchcoat Fri 21-Sep-12 10:58:52

Your poor DD. sad. At least your friend knows her DS is wrong and is trying to deal with it, that is def a start. It must be horrid if your DC is like that even if you tell them off.

korvonia Fri 21-Sep-12 11:00:14

If you see her ds do it again, tell him not to (calmly!). And talk to the teachers about it. I wouldn't bother talk to your friend about it again - these things never end well.

pigletmania Fri 21-Sep-12 11:02:42

Yes he always had anger issues, friend said that she was told by school staff that he was being nasty to the younger children at school. I can tell my friend she is open to advice which is good. His sister is an absolute star, so different and is really good with dd. the family is a lovely family but there is something not right about x

follygirl Fri 21-Sep-12 11:06:31

YANBU however from bitter experience I do know some parents who seem blissfully unaware about the true characters of their children.

I know that if my dc were upsetting another child I would want to know, sadly not everyone does.

Don't worry about this mum. You were actually doing her a favour. If this boy carries on behaving like this he won't be popular. It's sad really.

MrsCampbellBlack Fri 21-Sep-12 11:06:54

I think you should have addressed it with the teacher to be honest. Fair enough to tell child off if the parents not around but stuff at school should be dealt with by the school. This way its easier to stay friendly with other parents in my experience.

CastielsTrenchcoat Fri 21-Sep-12 11:07:36

I'm amazed that I have spoken to X calmly, but at least I can hold my head up. Inside, I really wanted to push him over if I'm being honest. I hate bullies, although I do appreciate, on the whole, that it is down to parenting. At least DS's teacher is on the ball and has admonished X for bad behaviour already.

SoleSource Fri 21-Sep-12 11:11:30

Is your child at fault, at all anywhere in this?

QuintessentialShadows Fri 21-Sep-12 11:12:43

Hi, I think you need to go a bit further and tell the teacher that she needs to speak to the boys parents about it, so they can reinforce the message at home. The teacher may not say anything to them, and they will be non- the wiser.

Fakebook Fri 21-Sep-12 11:13:58

Dd was pushed by a boy in reception, and I've told her to avoid him now. I also told her that if he continues to push after she has shouted "no" and telling a teacher, she's allowed to push him back harder once. Children aren't punch bags for bullies, and I certainly won't let my dd be one.

QuintessentialShadows Fri 21-Sep-12 11:14:47

Why did I say "Hi" like I am writing an email? hmm

pigletmania Fri 21-Sep-12 11:15:05

No I think wherever it is, f you see another chid being nasty and aggressive to another child it's your job as an adult to dea Wth it. Even more as your chid as you don't want to see them hurt. X pused my dd to the ground saying nasty things to her, I sure as hell uld not have just done nothing and let his dad who was there deal with it. He has to know what he did was not on

CastielsTrenchcoat Fri 21-Sep-12 11:22:24

You're all right and thanks for your comments. I won't tell my (sadly now it seems ex) friend if it happens again, I will speak to DS's teacher. I told DS this morning to avoid X and that the other children are nice and school is good etc. The trouble with DS is he wants to be everybody's friend!

SoleSource Fri 21-Sep-12 11:25:22

I asked my question because I have watched children beat up othet children for nothing. Strangers to each other in the park. Quite shocking. I tbink your DS wanting to be everybodys friend is a good thing. Keep a log of incidents.

Must be so worrying.

CastielsTrenchcoat Fri 21-Sep-12 11:26:33

Solesource I wanted to be sure that DS wasn't doing anything wrong and as I said before, no child is perfect, but having witnessed several incidents, I can honestly say that it is just X with the problem. Example, children queuing to use slide, X walks up, shoves a girl out of the way, then walks up to my DS and pushes him over. How would that be my DS's fault?

CastielsTrenchcoat Fri 21-Sep-12 11:27:46

Sorry Solesource just read your next comment, I'm still pretty upset that's all.

MrsCampbellBlack Fri 21-Sep-12 11:29:33

I have always gone down the line of 'avoiding' the children who aren't behaving terribly nicely. But now - its funny the ones who weren't that nice in reception are now lovely boys so hopefully its just a phase. And I wouldn't have wanted to fall out with their lovely parents over school stuff.

SoleSource Fri 21-Sep-12 11:29:46

Just being devils advocate.

steppemum Fri 21-Sep-12 11:31:17

If these incidents are happening in school, then you need to talk to teacher, as this is about them not just the ds.
He is reception, and may be pushing because he is immature, and needs to be taught the skills of interacting with others. He may be on the asd spectrum and finds social interaction difficult.

Don't label him a bully he is just a little kid, you don't have to put up with it, but school is the one to deal with it. Tell them that this is recurring and your ds is reluctant to come in because of it.

They will not discuss another child with you, but should take action.

puds11 Fri 21-Sep-12 11:37:36

Awww piglet your poor DD, she sounds so sweet.

Its difficult to measure at this age where 'playing' ends and bullying starts. It sounds as though he's not a bully in the literal term, but just more rough and under disaplined. However she really needs to address the issue, as he will develop into a bully if left to his own devices.

Smiling when being told off is not a good sign. I would be tempted to explain to him that he is going to have a very lonely life if he doesn't start treating people weth respect.

pigletmania Fri 21-Sep-12 11:48:19

I disagree, this boy is nearly 6, not preschool, or reception,very intelligent doing well academically at school. Yes I am afraid he is comming across as a bully that's what my friends afraid of. In te park there were some other children in his year and they saw it, and said that x is often naughty at school, tey were so nice to dd saying to dd don't worry we're your friend. When x was taen from the park he said goodby tithe other children except dd. he knees exactly what he is doing but hasent got a clue how his behaviour affects ther children or has very little empathy. He does not have any sn, no investigations are happening as school does no think he has and nor do his parents

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