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to dump a new boyfriend if he does nothing for my birthday?

(149 Posts)
ticktockdontstop Thu 20-Sep-12 21:51:23

We have Been Seeing each other since April. It's my birthday on Monday. He hasn't mentioned anything regarding it until tonight. I have plans with my friends on my birthday day, which he isn't invited to, I said it would be nice and romantic to do something just us on the weekend.
I expect him to maybe suggest dinner or something.
Tonight on the phone he says he has been meaning to ask what I would like for my birthday. I did the polite thing and said that he Didnt have to get me anything. And he said that was good.

I'm a bit upset.
And given that he is a self confessed c
heapskate, I now don't expect anything, but I would never be so rude as to ask for something, if that makes sense.
I think It's quite possible I might not even get a card.

I'm also sad that at this stage you would think he might be making some kind of effort.
Am I being unreasonable/ too precious to dump him over this?

ticktockdontstop Fri 21-Sep-12 07:30:03

He is very affectionate, caring and nice in person. He makes an effort that way. He keeps in contact, is always keen to see me.
But I don't know.

diddl Fri 21-Sep-12 07:40:08

Well I´m not a present person.

But I would expect some gesture tbh.

A card & to do something together-out for coffee & cake/lunch/dinner/day out...

ll31 Fri 21-Sep-12 07:47:30

Originally thought you were being childish tbh. , but your later posts _ your not happy ,he's being selfish re money, why stay really-just don't mention birthday in reason...!

ticktockdontstop Fri 21-Sep-12 07:54:01

Diddl, that would be lovely smile

I actually prefer doing things than gifts. You then have a fantastic memory forever, but a gift is forgotten about quickly. Gifts don't mean much to me, peoples time and thought means so much more. I won't have gifts from my friends, but we are going somewhere really fun. I'll remember it when im old ( hopefully)

He hasn't told many of his friends about me, he told me he feels awkward. Tuesday he had the perfect chance to, one of his friends tried to set him up, he could have said he was seeing me, ( as his friend knows of me from a different circle) but instead said he was seeing ' someone'
Ive text him about it this morning And he has said he isn't, he is just a private person and that's what I'm seeing. Thats not right, is it?

heather1 Fri 21-Sep-12 08:06:47

Im my experience of men if they like you they are generous both with their money and time. Of course if a man doesnt have that much money he may need to be more imaginative but if he really likes you this comes easily to him. He wants to please you and thinks of things that you will like. Now he might not get it totally right but he will at least put the effort in!
I noticed this when in the distant past I lived with a male flat mate long ago. If he wasnt that botherer about a girl he wouldnt phone, or arrange special things for her. But if he really liked her then he would treat her well, be enthuiastic. It wasnt an effort for him.
Dont sell yourself short ticktock you deserve to be treated well and not have to make the effort all the time. You will get very sick of this as time goes on. I have experienced the resentment it brings.
Yes you should be clear about what you want but on the other hand he should want to treat you specially on your birthday. I always tell my DH I dont mind or dont want anything for my birthday and he always gets me something thoughtful.
And its rude to go to a childs birthday and not even bring a card - yes the child is one and wouldnt notice but the parents would. I hope this doesnt come accross as harsh. Dont forget you are a wondeful person and deserve to be treated wonderfully.

Numberlock Fri 21-Sep-12 08:12:51

Yet, if we go in a shop and I add something to his basket. He tells me exactly what I owe him, even 45p for chocolate

I hope to God you don't give it to him, OP...

He just sounds weird - tight with money, still lives with parents (has he ever lived independently?), won't tell his friends about you. And what's all that about not going to visit his new-born niece for a year because of "distance"? Does she live in New Zealand or something? And then not buying her a present for her first birthday? Not to mention going on a weekend to Paris without you? (Unless it was booked before you got together?)

This isn't just about your birthday and even if it was, you'd be facing every Christmas, birthday, Valentine's day, anniversary etc etc disappointed because he's too stingy to buy you anything.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 21-Sep-12 08:16:38

No that is not right. At this stage he should be wild about you, proud to show you off to the world - not keeping you a dirty little secret so that there isn't any pressure from his friends to include you in his life.

Seriously just dump him and go and meet someone who adores you, because this man does not adore you.

ohcluttergotme Fri 21-Sep-12 08:21:57

Maybe you should have said "oh, I couldn't possibly say what you should get me, I'm a girl who likes surprise me?" or some such waffle like that! I'd wait until tuesday tho before you give him his marching orders as you never know, also it seems to me you are giving yourself a we bit of unneccessary grief here and on track to ruining the time with your friends fretting about what he hasnt done yet smile

iscream Fri 21-Sep-12 08:28:48

Well, I wouldn't plan on a future with a guy like this. Sounds like he really takes you for granted, and doesn't even put any effort into anything.

ticktockdontstop Fri 21-Sep-12 08:39:36

Ive replied to his ' I'm a private person, maybe thats what you are seeing' text, saying;
' but I've opened my life up to you. You have met and spent time with my family, spend time with my child. My friends know about you, you asked why you weren't invited on my birthday thing with my friends, that's not fair. Its not nice, it doesn't make me feel nice. I like your company but I'm not sure we work on a relationship level'

saffronwblue Fri 21-Sep-12 08:49:58

Yep, you said it. If you are an open, inclusive non compartmentalised person and he is tight, secretive and cheap, then he will not meet your needs in the long (or even short) term.

expatinscotland Fri 21-Sep-12 08:52:59


C'mon, ticktock. He's 30, lives at home, doesn't drive, has plenty of money for stuff for himself but dings you for 45p for a bar of chocolate?!

He's freeloading and cheap and mean with his emotions as well.

This is a no brainer: dump and move on.

CwtchesAndCuddles Fri 21-Sep-12 09:10:25

Read the book Love Languages - gifts mean different things to diferent people.

Numberlock Fri 21-Sep-12 09:17:37

He hasn't told many of his friends about me, he told me he feels awkward

There's private and then there's awkward. Do you really like your boyfriend feeling awkward about you?

I've opened my life up to you. You have met and spent time with my family, spend time with my child. My friends know about you

This was exactly (one of ) the reason(s) why I dumped my last boyfriend. After eight months I hadn't met a single friend or family member and he made it clear he would never be ready to introduce me to his children at any level. He also said he was a "private" person! And he was also a manchild, OK didn't live at home but his mum still did his washing. And I must have been invited to his flat a maximum of 4 times in 8 months. (Wish I'd known about MN back then!)

On the other hand, same as you, I made him welcome at my house any time, and he had met my friends and children.

The day I got rid was like a weight had been lifted.

Paiviaso Fri 21-Sep-12 09:24:26

Please dump this man now. This is going to be harsh but you need to hear it:

You have been seeing this guy for nearly six months, but you are not his girlfriend if he hasn't told his friends or family about you. You are someone he likes to shag and pass time with (probably because you pay for things) but really he is keeping his options open.

He should be organising something for your birthday. Even if he was skint (which he shouldn't be, considering he lives with his parents and doesn't drive) there are nice things he can do for you, and they include: buying or making you a card, kicking his parents out for the night and cooking you dinner, finding cheap/free events where you live and taking you to them, etc. But he just doesn't care to make the effort.

Please read the situation for what it is, and not what you want it to be. You can find much much better. Don't stand for this crap - find a guy that is genuine!

MimiSunshine Fri 21-Sep-12 09:38:49

It sounds like he’s passing time with you. He likes you but just not enough to really commit to having you fully in his life.
When a guy is really keen he cant wait to say ‘check out my girlfriend’ and show you off a bit, even if it’s just randomly in conversation with people who ask what they’re up to at the weekend, they proudly say ‘oh I’m doing [insert activity here] with my girlfriend’. Que conversation about who you are and how you met.

I was once with a guy who wanted to keep me separate to his friends and family, I realised he just didn’t want to admit we were together as he knew it wasn’t going to last so why give me that ‘status’, I was just ‘someone’. It sounds like you don’t really see this relationship going anywhere either but are more willing to put some effort in and see what happens. So I’d say cut your losses and move on, no point flogging a dead horse, as they say.

But… on the gift front, it isn’t rude to make a suggestion when specifically asked what you’d like (its annoying for the person who asked). it is rude to just randomly make demands but if you say ‘oh nothing don’t worry’ or variations of, then quite frankly you have no right to be upset when you don’t get anything. Next time just say ‘I don’t really mind, I love flowers, xxx are my favourite, or just a small token present would be nice’.

Numberlock Fri 21-Sep-12 09:50:16

you are not his girlfriend if he hasn't told his friends or family about you. You are someone he likes to shag and pass time with

He likes you but just not enough to really commit to having you fully in his life

Paiviaso and Mimi - I wish someone had said this to me a couple of years ago when I was 'dating' the guy I mentioned above.

OP - please take heed.

bleedinghert Fri 21-Sep-12 09:58:11

sounds like a difficult one this. he may just be playing it down and planning a surprise for you, or he might just be a massive tool and is not going to do anything.
I would just wait and see on Monday what he does. if he does not get you anything ( even a card) I would have serious words with him about where your relationship is going if he can even be arsed to get get a card!
Men like that are only interested in what they can get out of YOU.

It also sound like you are having reservations about him, so maybe this guy is not the one for you anyway?
I hope that he does something spectacular for your birthday and redeems himself. take care and try not to get too upset over it.

ticktockdontstop Fri 21-Sep-12 10:10:23

He has said that he didnt think about introducing me to his family etc as he Didnt really think about it.

A few people at work know but he doesn't like it Because they make crude comments and he doesn't like it.

And that he Didnt tell his other friend as it might be awkward from the other circle he knows me from.

He has told me he loves me. Ive said that I'm not sure emotionally we have the same expectations, he said he is going to try harder.

Jury is out till after my birthday.

MonkeyRisotto Fri 21-Sep-12 10:37:38

I think a good cop-out if someone asks what to get you for your birthday and you don't want to impose a budget on them is to say "surprise me".

If you say "oh you don't have to get me anything" it makes things really difficult, some people might mean "please don't get me anything cos I don't want to get into another exchange of useless gifts" whereas others like yourself mean "I want something but I don't want to sound grabbing". Isn't it rather passive-aggressive?

But FWIW, this guy just seems selfish and tight.

HellonHeels Fri 21-Sep-12 10:43:40

He doesn't sound like a good candidate for the valuable status of being your boyfriend. I can't stand cheapskates or meanness; it sounds as though he's mean with emotions as well. Asking someone what they want for their birthday is lazy - he should be putting some effort in and thinking of something for himself.

geegee888 Fri 21-Sep-12 10:48:16

For the last three years, my practice has got together to buy our receptionist a really nice birthday present. After finding her in tears one birthday that her husband of many years had never got her one.

Don't turn into that woman op. Its a sign of things to come, he isn't a good long term bet. A nice, decent person shouldn't have to be told to buy you a birthday present, especially at the start of a relationship. Why waste any more time on him?

geegee888 Fri 21-Sep-12 11:00:28

Also op, id be wondering if he has someone else on the go, or in mind...

It takes a while to find out what people are really like, congratulations on doing so so quickly. He sounds like a bit of a user, and the living at home at 30 is a total red flag too.

Numberlock Fri 21-Sep-12 11:03:12

her husband of many years had never got her one

You just can't fathom some people, can you geegee. What the hell is up with these people?

noblegiraffe Fri 21-Sep-12 11:05:49

It's unlikely that he's planning a nice surprise if he won't even sub you for a chocolate bar.

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