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to dump a new boyfriend if he does nothing for my birthday?

(149 Posts)
ticktockdontstop Thu 20-Sep-12 21:51:23

We have Been Seeing each other since April. It's my birthday on Monday. He hasn't mentioned anything regarding it until tonight. I have plans with my friends on my birthday day, which he isn't invited to, I said it would be nice and romantic to do something just us on the weekend.
I expect him to maybe suggest dinner or something.
Tonight on the phone he says he has been meaning to ask what I would like for my birthday. I did the polite thing and said that he Didnt have to get me anything. And he said that was good.

I'm a bit upset.
And given that he is a self confessed c
heapskate, I now don't expect anything, but I would never be so rude as to ask for something, if that makes sense.
I think It's quite possible I might not even get a card.

I'm also sad that at this stage you would think he might be making some kind of effort.
Am I being unreasonable/ too precious to dump him over this?

TeddyMcardle Thu 20-Sep-12 23:28:35

Oh dear I feel bad but MrsTerrys comment cracked me up, worried about a hangover four days after sharing a bottle of wine?!

When I used to frequent mumsnet more often I'd get enraged on peoples behalf about things like this, though I find in rl I'm far more accepting, I didn't get a present last Christmas and it was our first one together, it was embarrassing more than anything as people would ask and I'd just have to say no he didn't get me anything. I had bought him quite a bit.
Like you say you want the beginning to be about being wooed and doing a bit of wooing yourself.

My advice would probably be to ditch him, it's not worth it really, with a man who can't transfer his thinking that he cares into demonstrating it in any way.

ticktockdontstop Thu 20-Sep-12 23:28:37

Paying for things has been a problem. A few times he has said for me to get something and he will give me the cash, And then hasn't. And when reminded, several times, still hasn't.

He quite happily eats my food etc with no contribution. But after me going on he's taken to bringing his food with him ( which makes me feel bad)

I do feel as if a lot of the practical side comes down to me.
But he is nice company.
So then I forget I was annoyed.

anditwasallyellow Thu 20-Sep-12 23:28:43

He doesn't really sound that nice. I think if he gets you nothing, not even a card and a box of milk tray then you'd definitely be ok to dump him!

I met my boyfriend two weeks before his birthday and he came over on the day, even after two weeks I got him a jokey card, a pack of donuts to share and a takeaway on me, my birthday was 6 months later and I got a proper full blown present. I think you could have been more honest though and said what you felt. I think when he asked what you wanted 'surprise me' might have been a better response.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 20-Sep-12 23:28:50

Is he rubbish in bed? IME men who are tight with money and uptight about the odd glass of wine are also tight and uptight in bed.

ticktockdontstop Thu 20-Sep-12 23:32:32

Hes very good in bed, which may be why I'm still Hanging around..

Teddymc, how awkward was that? Did he not say anything? Was he not horribly embarrassed? Or did he have a reason?

SpottedGurnard Thu 20-Sep-12 23:35:50

Nooo! You deserve a nice man who treats you like you should be treated. It doesnt cost much to make someone feel special, a homemade cake or a bunch of flowers.

It is all about control. If you get upset about lack of acknowledgement of your birthday he will turn it around on you and say you said you didn't want anything.

Please please leave. I had an ex like this and life was one big disappointment with him. I swear he did it on purpose so that every special dat was shit.

[flowers] <-- for your upcoming birthday!

Darkesteyeswithflecksofgold Fri 21-Sep-12 01:26:03

An old post about my tighwad ex that i wrote on another site.

Thank You to red devil For This Useful Post: Show me >>

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dark lady
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Is this miserly or moneysaving


Hi I felt i had to join this site to conribute to this thread.One poster suggested to the OP to get a job.Well how can she attend a job interview in her only pair of holey shoes.The interviewer would think she didnt care.I once dated a man like the OPs husband.
1 My ex would time me in the shower only allowing me THREE MINUTES maximum (worried about his water meter)
2 i was round his late one night and when it came for time to take me home we found his sisters car which he had borrowed had been broken into,drivers window smashed glass everywhere both big shards and very small ones.I couldnt believe what he then said.
"well it will be a bit cold but i will brush the glass of the seats and drive you home" He actually expected me to risk sitting on broken glass rather than fork out for a taxihe insisted he had no money i only had 10 pounds to my name until payday. It wasnt until we went to the cashpoint i found out he had 700 pounds and it was only 4 days till his next payday.He begrudgingly lent me 30 pounds for a taxi after i phoned the cab company and got an exact quote from them and yes i paid him back.No way could we drive around in car with a smashed window.Police might have thinked my ex was the one who pinched it and it would have caused complications getting the crime number which you need for the insurance payout.Oh and it was November so it was cold
He refused to by a present for his brothers 40th not even a cheap bottle of plonk even though i offered to go halves yet he insisted on going to the party
He saw a duvet set in my catologue that he fancied so he asked me to order it and he would pay me back when it was delivered.
On the day it came i met him for dinner and took the duvet set with me and instinct told me to take the invoice as well.I gave him the set we went and sat down and i asked him for the money so i could pay off the invoice.Every time i asked he kept changing the subject and this went on for a good hour and a half.In the end i had to put the invoice in his lap.
The straw that broke the camels back in the end?He invited (insisted) that i pop round three days before Christmas and didnt tell me he had a really bad tummy bug and then he CRAP**D the bed I KID YOU NOT.He said he thought it was safe enough to try and fart HIS WORDS I went down with said bug on the Boxing Day.I was absolutely furious.I ended the relationship on New Years Eve.
Incidentally he would NEVER buy groceries at all unless he knew i was coming over 1 packet of pasta 1packet of pasta sauce 1 bottle of diet coke and garlic bread.One time i was too ill to go over and he had a right go at me cos he had already bought this stuff. He did deliveries for an Indian takeaway five nights a week and they gave him a free meal to take home every night.When i pointed out this was bad for his health he just said "Its free.
In the summertime i used to buy ice cream and leave it in his freezer.I gave up on this after a while as he would just let the electric run out and the ice cream would melt. One time i was getting out of the shower at his one NIGHT and the electric just went off and i nearly slipped.He would only get a tenner out of the cashpoint at a time but then would get the car out to take the five minute drive to the cashpoint every time he needed more
By the way this was a man in his early fifties.
There was also a time that he refused to go out and buy more toilet roll when he once ran out when i was over there and told me to take my Imodium so i woudnt need to go.(i suffer from IBS) I sincerly hope that no woman ever has children with my ex.It would be a pass port to poverty. I will NEVER tolerate a tightwad again!

Darkesteyeswithflecksofgold Fri 21-Sep-12 01:28:52

tick tock my ex was good in bed too. Maybe they think thats all they need to do.

Darkesteyeswithflecksofgold Fri 21-Sep-12 01:33:20

My ex was very shouty and sweary if i took a little bit longer than usual in the shower and he got quite verbally abusive about it.
It can be a fine line between tightwaddery and financial abuse.

Darkesteyeswithflecksofgold Fri 21-Sep-12 01:37:25

ticktockdontstopThu 20-Sep-12 22:19:18

It was his nieces birthday two weeks ago, the child was one. He went to the family party ( having never met the child before due to distance) and Didnt take even a card, let alone a present. Hence I think its unlikely ill even get a card.

tick tock my ex was like this over his brothers 40th as mentioned in the post ive copied over. It doesnt get better believe me.
Yet there was always money for loads of cigarettes and a new mobile every 3 months.
And in your case no pressie for his young niece but plenty for a holiday for himself.

WhatWouldCaitlinDo Fri 21-Sep-12 01:50:10

Why didn't you invite him to your bday celebration? Seems like you are both holding back - not the actions of two people in the first flush of love.

Are you together because you both want to be with someone and are making do?

aMashedUpPhraseWithGravy Fri 21-Sep-12 02:20:27

Yes, I think it's odd that you haven't invited him to your b-day celebration. Do you not consider him to be a friend? I wouldn't buy a present for someone who didn't invite me to their celebration.

Otoh, everything you have posted about him sounds like he's not particularly caring or thoughtful in general.

Stonefield Fri 21-Sep-12 02:24:50

Tell me, has he ever bought you anything at all since you' e been together?
If the answer is no and you would like some thoughtful gifting occasionally then ditch him because it's not going to happen.
It's not about expense at all it's about he bothered to think about you.
You shouldn't have to spell it out.
Have you given him anything since you've been together?

saffronwblue Fri 21-Sep-12 02:28:10

Birthdays mean different things to different people. I grew up in a familly where people are meticulous and full of feeling about birthdays for adults and well as kids. My DH is like this but his siblings and parents are completely offhand about birthdays and say things like " Sorry I didn't get around to getting a present". DH's sister who lies in the same city as us did not even text or call him on his last birthday, let alone produce a present. I find it graceless but have learned over the years that they do love us, they just can't be bothered making a fuss about birthdays.

bp300 Fri 21-Sep-12 03:22:02

I find it funny as a reading these posts because most mens ideal partner would be sensible with money but are never able to find one and they would also like a partner who says what they mean so if you wanted a present you should have said so. Men are more practical so consider buying a present for someone a waste of money as a risk they won't like it etc. He isn't tight as you said he is going to France and a music concert day after both will cost money and also did offer to buy you a gift.

GrumpyOldWomanToo Fri 21-Sep-12 05:00:16

So, he asks you want you want, you say "nothing". If he gets you nothing, you dump him. Have I got that right?

And we wonder why men can't figure us out.

I'm going to post this in the feminist forum under "no means no". wink

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Fri 21-Sep-12 05:16:21

Men are more practical Utter shite. Brought to you by such cliches as "bless them, they can't use a washing machine" and "bless them, they just don't SEE the mess".

My DH can use a washing machine, knows I want a present, even if I say not to bother, watches the money but knows that some treats are good for the soul and has never mentioned the amount of time I spend in the shower. Don't settle.

eggsandwich Fri 21-Sep-12 06:35:08

Maybe he feels upset that you would rather see your friends on your birthday and not him, why not see you friends at the weekend.

pigletmania Fri 21-Sep-12 06:41:22

See what happens on on your birthday. If no card and present dump the tightwad, you don't sound very serious about each other anyway

ticktockdontstop Fri 21-Sep-12 07:02:15

My friends don't really like him, so it would be awkward to have him there, plus we are doing something that he wouldnt much enjoy. I want to enjoy my birthday and since he hadn't mentioned anything about it and my friends had, I dont see why I should spend it with him and miss out on something fun.

He Didnt / doesn't consult me when he is organising stuff for himself to do, like Paris. So why should I ask him? Ive never been to Paris, I would have loved to go.

I Didnt say ' nothing' when asked about a present. I said ' ah, its ok, you don't have to get me anything' Which is a social niceity.

He hasn't brought me a thing since we have been together. Nothing. He eats at mine without contribution, he doesn't offer petrol money. He would rather spend an hour walking somewhere than get the bus to see me. Yet, if we go in a shop and I add something to his basket. He tells me exactly what I owe him, even 45p for chocolate.

If I have no money ( frequently) we don't do anything than sit at mine, because he doesn't offer to pay. I'm not talking huge outlays, you can do lots for £10.

He says he cares for me a lot and enjoys my company and I don't doubt that he does, just that this side is ruining it for me. If I don't even get a card I will be very upset.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 21-Sep-12 07:10:31

Your friends don't like him?

Huge warning sign right there.

WofflingOn Fri 21-Sep-12 07:17:00

He seems to be a freeloader, and you have very low expectations of a partner.

KenDoddsDadsDog Fri 21-Sep-12 07:17:09

Dump him ! This is about so much more than the birthday.

noblegiraffe Fri 21-Sep-12 07:23:24

He's not really that into you is he?

ticktockdontstop Fri 21-Sep-12 07:23:56

I don't have low expectations, I dont think this is right.

I would say the people who say ' he's only a man, you have to be blunt' have less expectations.

I expect a present. And a card. And some kind of effort. Not costly, but something that shows he cares.

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