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to dump a new boyfriend if he does nothing for my birthday?

(149 Posts)
ticktockdontstop Thu 20-Sep-12 21:51:23

We have Been Seeing each other since April. It's my birthday on Monday. He hasn't mentioned anything regarding it until tonight. I have plans with my friends on my birthday day, which he isn't invited to, I said it would be nice and romantic to do something just us on the weekend.
I expect him to maybe suggest dinner or something.
Tonight on the phone he says he has been meaning to ask what I would like for my birthday. I did the polite thing and said that he Didnt have to get me anything. And he said that was good.

I'm a bit upset.
And given that he is a self confessed c
heapskate, I now don't expect anything, but I would never be so rude as to ask for something, if that makes sense.
I think It's quite possible I might not even get a card.

I'm also sad that at this stage you would think he might be making some kind of effort.
Am I being unreasonable/ too precious to dump him over this?

Viviennemary Thu 20-Sep-12 22:19:54

I can see your point about not asking for an expensive gift though.

aldiwhore Thu 20-Sep-12 22:21:13

So its not about your birthday so much as that missing element of the first flush of serious love? I understand that, and it doesn't have to cost, a flower picked from the verge, your favourite chocolate bar, something meaningless but meaningful that shows thought?

I did get a little defensive because my now DH was due to work away for my birthday, 4 weeks after I met him, he didn't mention it, I didn't either... I thought 'hmm lets see'. I got a card posted on the birthday morning, which led to another card and another, and another (late for work by this time) ending in a bunch of flowers in his guitar case (I didn't live with him, the trail went from my house to his, including key)... not being smug (just chuffed) it didn't cost him the earth, he's a cheapskate afterall!

Yours doesn't sound like a cheapskate, he sounds thoughtless in general.

Plan your birthday and see what happens, don't dump him ON your birthday, you'll just feel shit. But after your lest few posts, he doesn't sound like he's going to rock your world. Sorry x

GranToAirMissiles Thu 20-Sep-12 22:21:21

Some people don't do birthdays. Treat this (if he does nothing) as a permanent amnesty, and neither of you will ever have to agonise over birthdays again (what a relief, I say).

ZZZenAgain Thu 20-Sep-12 22:21:54

you could call him and say you've given it some thought and you'd like to do X on Saturday to celebrate with him. Sounds a bit weird but what I meant is go somewhere specific or have a meal at a particular restaurant.

chipsandbeans Thu 20-Sep-12 22:22:11

I think this is less about him being a cheapskate and more about him being thoughtless.
Birthdays are really important to me, I don't care if I get something that cost £1 or just a nice card its the fact that someone has bothered to remember and acknowledge it.. my not so DP is rubbish and I never get a thing for my b'day unless I either buy it myself or tell him exactly what I want, where to buy it and how much it is. Every year I think he might change and he never does. Its about much more than my b'day it just shows how thoughtless he is as a person.

I would say if you have reservations now then dump him, I wish I had.. 10 long years ago

ticktockdontstop Thu 20-Sep-12 22:22:20

I said it in a nice way, Because I Think its rude to ask. I just said ' It's ok,you don't have to get me anything'
Peoples usual response is ' Well, ill surprise you then'
Not, ' good'

WaitingForMe Thu 20-Sep-12 22:23:43

DH was pretty rubbish when we met. I informed him that I expected a thoughtful Birthday present and he was a bit surprised (his ex wife was passive aggressive and never articulated her wants or needs). I didn't want to dump him for not buying me anything (reasonable chance of him doing this).

Four years on and I got a pair of grey pearl earrings because it was my 30th and pearls are the symbol for 30th wedding anniversaries, it's our first year of marriage and I adore my Nana's grey pearl necklace but didn't have any matching earrings.

I like to think I've inspired him.

thecook Thu 20-Sep-12 22:24:44

OP The tight arse. Now I don't think you have mentioned his income but you can get a card in Poundland for £1 so that is no excuse. He could have got an item of clothing from Asda or Tesco for a couple of quid. A nice little bonnet or something. Alarm bells are ringing here.

QueenofJacksDreams Thu 20-Sep-12 22:24:58

Poor man is being condemed before doing anything wrong you've told him not to bother he may take you at your word or he may of said "that's good" as he didn't want to have gotten you the wrong gift.

I am sorry but it does seem very materialistic to me sad I just wouldn't care less about gifts and things like that so early into a relationship or even 5 years down the line to be honest for me it takes more than a bunch of flowers to show you care.

ticktockdontstop Thu 20-Sep-12 22:27:00

Yes, It's really nothing to do with money spent, in my family we keep presents to £20, It's silly to spend more than that, It's not about grand gestures. Just thought. Aldiwhore, that is lovely, that would make me cry, how lovely.

BeauNeidel Thu 20-Sep-12 22:27:34

I agree ticktock, the only time I have ever not wanted a gift, I made it very clear with a 'please don't get me anything, I know you can't afford it/it's not important/I'd rather you spent it on xyz' (disclaimer: very close person!) which left them under no illusions.

A 'you don't have to get anything for me' surely falls under accepted social niceties, and shouldn't be taken at face value - particularly by a new boyfriend who should still be wanting to impress you and shower you with affection!

ticktockdontstop Thu 20-Sep-12 22:29:55

Hes not on a low income, maybe £9 an hour, full time, lives at home, doesn't drive, so doesn't have many outgoings. Is taking himself on a 4 day city break to Paris the week after my birthday.
( not a surprise for me, I'm working)

Money isn't the issue.

badtasteflump Thu 20-Sep-12 22:32:58

YANBU. I would bail out now before you find yourself living with someone who snipes at you over how much you spent on a tin of beans.

KellyElly Thu 20-Sep-12 22:35:28

Send him o his bike. You are too new in a relationship for complacency and not being arsed. A big fat red flag for the future. Its obvs something that's inportant to u so fgs don't compromise so early on.

ilovesooty Thu 20-Sep-12 22:43:52

you've told him not to bother he may take you at your word

A 'you don't have to get anything for me' surely falls under accepted social niceties, and shouldn't be taken at face value

It would make relationships much easier if people just said what they mean.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney Thu 20-Sep-12 22:52:26

IME, many (untrained) men don't do, or get, hints. Or social niceties like "oh you don't have to ... Blah blah" they will take you AT FACE VALUE and will not get you anything!! And then think you are a psycho when you complain after, and I kinda see their point.

I would respond with something like "oh, how lovely of you to ask, I would appreciate something thoughtful from you, why don't you surprise me?" so not a greedy grabby listing but def make it clear you expect SOMEthing?

Maybe a bit late now, but goodness don't say it again!!

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Thu 20-Sep-12 23:00:04

Lives at home at 30 and a self-confessed cheapskate. <Shudders>

ticktockdontstop Thu 20-Sep-12 23:02:23


It's too late now, isn't it. But for goodness sake, I don't Buy the ' hes a man, you need to spell it out like a child'
Even my 8 year old has planned things off their own accord. Nothing that costs much, but dobr with thought and love and that means the world.

I did suggest maybe Sharing some wine the day after my birthday,but he said he wasnt sure as he doesn't drink and doesn't want a hang over when he goes away ( 4 days later) I said it would be nice, it is my birthday, so he said he would think about it.


MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Thu 20-Sep-12 23:05:08

Lives at home at 30 and a self-confessed cheapskate. And now he's worried about a hangover four days from when he drinks wine. He sounds just awful. Sorry.

expatinscotland Thu 20-Sep-12 23:10:29

I'd never go out with a cheapskate. If they're cheap with money, what else are they cheap with?

Or someone who lives at home and doesn't drive.

QueenofJacksDreams Thu 20-Sep-12 23:13:53

IME, many (untrained) men don't do, or get, hints.

Oh fuck off how would you feel if your partner started on about how awful you were until he trained you? Have a bit of respect.

Flojo1979 Thu 20-Sep-12 23:14:48

Read your comments back. No positive spin on this. He must have good points else u wouldn't have put up with his thoughtlessness since April.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Thu 20-Sep-12 23:18:55

Oh come on, OP, you can't possibly go out with this man!

Please, give us some examples of his tightfistedness. He clearly doesn't mind spending money on himself if he's going to Paris.

What do you do when you meet up? Do you have to pay? Is there always an awkward silence when the bill arrives?

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney Thu 20-Sep-12 23:22:38

queenofjacksdreams show ME some of your vaunted respect and please don't swear at me for offering my opinion only.

ticktockdontstop Thu 20-Sep-12 23:23:12

Hes nice to spend time with. Ive been on my own for a long time so company is nice. He's not controlling and is laid back. But it does feel quite like a teenage fling really, there isn't much substance.

He quite likes to be involved with me and my life, but booked his Paris trip without mentioning it at all to me. The following day he also has a concert which I Didnt know about.
I havent thought that it had legs, but as much as he says he has strong feelings for me his actions seem otherwise.

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