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To have my Mum give me away?

(47 Posts)
Piglet28 Wed 19-Sep-12 14:30:04

I am currently planning my wedding after being engaged for 9 years (put on hold due to a baby and finances).

I am thinking of asking my Mum to give me away as she is the person who has always been there for me. Dad had numerous affairs and eventually left us to marry the lady he is now with.

I don't have a great relationship with him and I'm sure it will make things worse between us. I expect he wouldn't make a speech as he is a very quiet, awkward and shy person. It almost feels disrespectful to my Mum to give him the right to give me away.

They haven't seen or spoken since he left 11 years ago. He married his new wife (she will be the one to kick off if anyone will) and my Mum got married this year. I don't know how to keep them apart if I have him on the top table.

My plan was to seat him with his wife and her kids. I want him there, but maybe not involved with the wedding.

Has anyone else got family issues and a wedding coming up? Advice needed please!

Thanks

frootshoots Wed 19-Sep-12 14:31:42

I think it'd be lovely smile I'm sure your mum would love it. It's your wedding, do what feels right to you.

aldiwhore Wed 19-Sep-12 14:32:37

Tricky.

When my friend got married it was only her mum and dad on the top table, their partners/spouses both sat separately.

Re the giving you away part, I don't think its unreasonable at all, but you need to talk this through with your dad if you care for him at all, and your mum.

I don't envy you, but I firmly believe the person who gives you away should be a very significant person who's raised you or made you the woman you are today, male or female. (Even if it is outdated!)

MyDaydream Wed 19-Sep-12 14:52:14

Not getting married yet, but have always said I'll either have my mum giving me away or I'll walk down the aisle by myself. My dad plays up to good dad in public but is actually a total let down, my mum is always there for me without question or hesitation. She's the one who raised me, helps me move house, loaned me money when I couldn't afford food, gives me advice and a shoulder to cry on, so surely she's the one who gets to walk me down the aisle when I get married..

TheCunningStunt Wed 19-Sep-12 14:53:32

YANBU at all

SpudtheScarecrow Wed 19-Sep-12 15:04:39

My mum walked down the aisle with me. My dad died when I was small and although I'm close to my step dad for a long time it was just me and my mum. I didn't have the actually 'giving away' line in the service tho as it's a bit sexist IMO. My mum didn't want to make a speech tho so my best friend and I both did to represent my side of the family.n

skyrocketsinflight Wed 19-Sep-12 15:06:55

Ask your mum, why not, its your wedding you can do whatever you want.

with the top table, Im not having one just a table for me and DP, and sit where ever you want for everyone else. so you don't have to deal with the table dramas.

Do what ever you want don't get sucked into tradition if you don't want to, no one can make you. smile

BunnyLebowski Wed 19-Sep-12 15:09:02

I wouldn't have anybody 'give me away' because I'm not chattel.

But it's your wedding so your choice.

celebmum Wed 19-Sep-12 15:09:52

My dad left my mum and us 3kids when I was 11 For another woman. We still saw/see him regularly and he's always been a part of our lives. But in my opinion he gave up the right to 'give me away' the day he walked. My mum brought me up, therefore she and only she had the right to be giving me to anyone! She did on my wedding day 3yrs ago. My dad was still there, part of the wedding (we asked him
To be a witness) he wore a 'wedding suit' and gave a speech (in which he thanked my mum for bringing us up in his
'absence') it was all very amicable and lovely.

strawberrypenguin Wed 19-Sep-12 15:09:57

YANBU the person 'giving you away' should really mean something to you and if for you that's your mum rather than the more traditional dad then go for it!

I have a great relationship with both my parents and stuck with tradition and we chose to have our mums sign as our witnesses so everyone had a role to play (FIL was our photographer)

If your worried about your dads reaction maybe find him a job of his own however small so he still feels involved

AKissIsNotAContract Wed 19-Sep-12 15:13:33

I'm getting married next year and my mum is walking me down the aisle and one of my brothers will be doing the father of the bride-type speech.

I've gone from agonizing over whether to have my dad's girlfriend at the wedding (I have a previous thread on here re this) to my dad making the decision for me. He hasn't spoken to me since February so he won't be there at all. It's his loss really.

My best mate also had her mum walk her down, it's not unusual.

eurochick Wed 19-Sep-12 15:16:17

I objected to the whole iea of being given away (I am not a baggage!) so I asked both my parents to walk me up the aisle, one on either side of me, and obviously walked out with my new husband. I liked the symbolism of walking in as part of one family and out as part of another, plus it got over the sexist tradition of being given by one man to another.

AKissIsNotAContract Wed 19-Sep-12 15:18:28

and for seating, we are not having a top table. We are having everyone on round tables and giving them names instead of numbers (so it doesn't feel like a hierarchy).

jen127 Wed 19-Sep-12 15:21:11

My brother gave me away as he is in life and my father isn't. I invited my father and his new partner though they declined the invite - says it all really !
Do what you feel is right!

nickeldaisical Wed 19-Sep-12 15:26:24

yanbu.

it can be anyone you choose.

in the BCP it says "parent or friend"

ChaoticismyLife Wed 19-Sep-12 15:38:29

Another one who objects to the idea of being 'given away' grin

However, if I ever do get married it would be my mum who would walk down the aisle with me.

YANBU

amybelle1990 Wed 19-Sep-12 16:28:51

YANBU

It sounds like it'll be a lovely ceremony and you shouldn't feel stressed out into doing anything you don't want to do.

nickeldaisical Wed 19-Sep-12 16:53:59

and actually, the line is "who gives this woman to be married to this man?"

not saying they're passing on the ownership, but supporting her. that person walked with her down the aisle and is standing there saying "i support you"

RuleBritannia Wed 19-Sep-12 16:57:45

My daughter gave me away to number 2.

WickedGirl Wed 19-Sep-12 18:25:35

My MIL to be gave me to her son grin

The top table had me, DH and our 2 witnesses

There was a table for my family and a table for DH family and then several for friends

attheendoftheday Wed 19-Sep-12 20:06:50

I think that sounds nice and YANBU.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Wed 19-Sep-12 20:09:18

YANBU. You can choose who gives you away and it ought to be someone you genuinely want with you, whichever gender they are.

Have a wonderful day!

GilbGeekette Wed 19-Sep-12 20:12:12

My DDs gave me away. It was very special. Your wedding, your choice smile

blonderthanred Wed 19-Sep-12 20:13:20

My mum walked me down the aisle and made a speech at the reception. I was going to walk down on my own as I didn't want to be 'given away' as such but at the rehearsal it felt a bit vulnerable and strange to come in alone.

As the other poster said, it was more about walking in as a member of one family and walking out as another.

Crap dad attended as a guest, as did crap ex-stepdad and crap stepdad.

So no yanbu in fact very lovely thing to do.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Wed 19-Sep-12 20:42:56

I have done 99% of the care for my children since we divorced. No, make that 99.9%. I divorced my ex because he was having an affair - I had to kick him out; he didn't want to go. He then lived with and married the other woman. I have to say I really dislike the idea of a top table situation with him and her sitting there. I don't mind him being there, because he's their dad, but I do resent her being there. Lucky mine want to marry in a field, isn't it!

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