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AIBU to be resentful at BIL living with us?

(44 Posts)
chasingtail Wed 19-Sep-12 13:26:28

To cut a long story short, in June BIL's (DH's brother) wife told him she didn't love him anymore & wanted him out. they didn't have any children. Her parents own the house so in effect he was homeless and takes no equity from it.

My 'knight in shining armour' DH immediately jumped to the rescue and told BIL he could stay with us. Although this was not properly discussed with me I didn't really mind as we have the space and thought it would just be for a short spell. Helping out a family member & all that... plus the kids would be pleased to have their uncle around.

Welllllll.... 3 months later he is still here and does virtually nothing around the house (even though I give him chore lists & drop huge hints about taken the kids to the park once in a while), but the best bit is that he pays not a penny in rent. Although he has a reasonably paid job & no financial responsibilities, DH decided in his wisdom that it would be better for BIL to pay off debts and save for a deposit, than make any financial contribution to us. Again this was decided without my input. angry Strangely there seems to be money available to wine & dine his new woman. confused

I have now been informed that BIL will be with us until Xmas, when apparently he will miraculously then have enough money for house deposit and mortgage. I am not holding my breath...

So AIBU to feel increasingly resentful towards both DH & BIL, who frankly I feel are both taking the p***. If I was in the same situation not only would I insist on paying at least a token contribution but I would also be doing whatever I could to help out with housework/kids etc.

I understand that DH feels bad for his brother (as did I to begin with) & wants to help in anyway he can, but I am sick of not being able to discuss this rationally with DH. How is that I always end up being made to feel selfish and disloyal!!

squeakytoy Wed 19-Sep-12 13:33:56

YANBU at all... and if i were you I would call a meeting with the pair of them, and get it sorted out.

aldiwhore Wed 19-Sep-12 13:36:24

YANBU at all.

He should contribute something, but that may mean he will stay longer - argh! If he can't contribute, or your DH is happy for him to pay off debts (rather a nice thing to do) then the very least your BIL should do if help out around the house, babysit willingly, do the garden, cook dinner etc.,

YANBU.

ATailOfTwoKitties Wed 19-Sep-12 13:38:54

And could this in any way explain why his ex didn't want him in her house any more either...?

chasingtail Wed 19-Sep-12 13:44:16

thank you both for your prompt replies. smile, I feel better already just getting it off my chest.

When asked to help out he is full of platitudes about 'spending the afternoon ironing' or 'doing the garden' but when it actually comes to it, he does the absolute bare minimum (i.e. ironing 3 kids t shirts & a pair of jeans!).

I don't want to have to keep reminding him - it's not fair & I have enough kids of my own to nag!

He works shifts & appears to spend every minute away from work either sleeping, eating or with girlfriend! Quite a nice life really wink

sugarice Wed 19-Sep-12 13:44:49

YANBU at all, start to plan his exit strategy, he's a grown man and in employment plus a girlfriend who he spends money on! he's taking the mick.

Icelollycraving Wed 19-Sep-12 14:00:23

Have you met new girlfriend? Perhaps get her on side.
If you are having more housework/cooking etc due to him being there,you need to point it out to him & your husband.

chasingtail Wed 19-Sep-12 14:04:49

thanks for all you views - it's great for someone else look at this objectively.

Lolly - it's not so much that he creates a lot more extra work, more that I feel if he is not contributing financially, he should take his share of jobs that need doing around the house.

HoratiaWinwood Wed 19-Sep-12 14:07:42

Either he is a member of the family, in which case he rolls his sleeves up, or he is a lodger, in which case he pays.

There must be an emotional blackmail route.

And I agree that this is partly why he got kicked out in the first place!

Icelollycraving Wed 19-Sep-12 14:09:11

Well,how about saying 'ok,your turn to cook & clear up for the family is Thursday & Tuesday next week' I envisage him spending more time with new gf = result!

chasingtail Wed 19-Sep-12 14:23:52

Ironically, i think he was quite the 'man about house' when he was still with wife.
It's almost as if he thinks "right time to put my feet up for a while" hmm

Icelollycraving Wed 19-Sep-12 14:26:00

Maybe if that didn't work out he's trying something new. Time to reeducate!

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Wed 19-Sep-12 14:28:30

I can't believe you weren't consulted properly. DH's BF is having issues with his DW and I said he could stay for a while. There was a list of demands conditions as long as my arm which DH and BF had to agree to.

chasingtail Wed 19-Sep-12 14:32:57

Yes Terrys, I hear you! It was a fait au complete by the time I was told what was happening & I won't forget that easily.

I totally get trying to help a friend/brother in need, but not without discussing the implications with all relevant parties! AARGH [amgry]

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Wed 19-Sep-12 17:58:24

It will be 6 months he has stayed BTW he 'leaves' at 'Christmas'. I think you're only hope is that the new GF takes him in. Tell DH he has to do BIL's share of the cleaning (a third more should do it). Start presenting them with fait accomplis. I'm going to the spa/friends/family today. You two are OK with the kids, right? Byeeeeee.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Wed 19-Sep-12 17:58:56

Sorry, *if he 'leaves' at 'Christmas'.

thebeesnees79 Wed 19-Sep-12 18:03:05

Jesus I would be livid. My bil is a selfish self centred pain in the arse who blames everyone else for his problems (rather than excepting its his own poor choices)
I would make sure he was gone by xmas if I were you and he should be helping out towards bills etc its rude to stay somewhere and contribute nothing!

TheCalmingManatee Wed 19-Sep-12 18:09:49

Does he at least do his own washing? Contribute in maybe buying a few meals? takeaways? bottles of wine? Anything???

Id wouldnt expect someone staying me to do ironing but i would expect them to do the washing up, do their OWN washing and irorning and at least offer some money towards their food.

Its not just that though, i would hate having someone else staying with us and my BIL would be over my dead body! Hes a twunt, i'd go mad.

Im sorry but i would not be happy about the Christmas thing - this guy is seriously taking the piss. Yes, its lovely of you both to allow him the privalige of a rent free lifestyle while he gets back on his feet, so he should pretty much be bending over backwards to show his gratitude! Oh and if he has a new woman, he can make himself sodding scarce and spend time with her, giving you and your DH some time together.

chasingtail Wed 19-Sep-12 19:12:05

To be fair he does do his own washing & also generally cooks for himself (very few offers to make meals for us though!).

But in my book the mentality of "if I sort myself out I do 't have to contribute in any other way" is no way to behave when someone is providing a roof over your head rent free.. *Bees" you are right - it is just downright rude to not take the initiative & get stuck in. Regardless of him not creating much extra work for me, he is still using electricity/water/oil etc etc... and in my book payment in kind should be given via jobs around the house.

Am going to attempt a non-confrontational dialogue with DH over next few days and get to the bottom of BIL's plans to get a new place (non-existent I fear). hmm. Cannot continue like this indefinately.

Kayano Wed 19-Sep-12 19:22:13

This exact same thing happened to me last June!

Luckily I was pg and only had one spare room so I told DH to get him out, sort the nursery or I would be leaving him

Kayano Wed 19-Sep-12 19:23:16

I wouldn't have done but I had a scary pregnant woman face lol

WipsGlitter Wed 19-Sep-12 19:25:24

I had SIL here for nine months. Also paid no rent and bought no food. And did feck all with the kids.

MsVestibule Wed 19-Sep-12 19:38:52

Have you tried the "If you don't get this sorted, I will"? tactic? I'm guessing he'd rather talk to his brother about this, than let you loose on him!

Really, you have to work our exactly what you want (if money - how much, if doing his share of the housework - what and when) and either your DH tells him, or you do. Freeloaders make my blood boil, bloody parasites.

thebeesnees79 Wed 19-Sep-12 19:43:45

exactly chasingtail he is using your gas when running a bath or the electricity if taking a shower etc etc. I would feel so uncomfortable staying somewhere and not even offering £10 toward gas.
bills cost so much more at the minute and its only courtesy to say here is £40 & thanks for giving me a roof over my head

thebeesnees79 Wed 19-Sep-12 19:51:41

sorry realised my post makes no sense lol (36 weeks pregnant with baby brains!!)
he should offer £10 a week towards some bills even that would be better than giving zero, it just rips the piss

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