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how do I stop feeling guilty. as a working mum

(19 Posts)
altinkum Wed 15-Aug-12 19:14:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DozyDuck Wed 15-Aug-12 19:22:44

sad they'll get there. Just make sure the time they do have with you is proper quality time.

GateGipsy Wed 15-Aug-12 19:29:04

they will get there. This is always going to be heaps tougher on you than it is on them. Part of it is that naturally they are upset at the seperation and at that age, thats how they express their emotion. What does the childmind say - are they OK after you've gone?

It is only two days a week? In some ways that can be harder for them because it isn't the 'norm'. The norm is for them to be appendaged to you.

Setting a definite routine, making sure you listen to your kids, and letting them feel OK about expressing all these emotions will help. They need to get it out of their systems and although that's hugely tough on us as the parents, we still need to make sure we don't do things that tell them their behaviour isn't valid or inappropriapriate. So no 'don't be silly, you'll be fine'.

C0smos Wed 15-Aug-12 19:29:40

Are you trying to work at home, I find this impossible as DS does not understand why I am here but can't play with him. If you are not office based can you work at a library, coffee shop, somewhere else?

GateGipsy Wed 15-Aug-12 19:30:02

oh and you NEVER stop feeling guilty. And it doesn't matter what you do, wether you are a SAHM, or WM, or part time working, or anything really. There's always something to feel hugely guilty about.

nokidshere Wed 15-Aug-12 19:36:01

Guilt is a wasted emotion and doesn't do anyone any good.

You need to make sure you are matter of fact about it. Don't drop them off saying negatives like "sorry mummy has to leave you" but "have a lovely day with the minder and you can tell me all about your day later". If they sense your guilt and unhappiness at the situation they will pick up on it and react accordingly.

Working is a part of life and they will soon get used to it. Your 6 year old is used to be away at school so its no biggie and if you let her get away with bad behaviour because you are feeling guilty it will get worse not better.

You have nothing to feel guilty about! You are working to provide for them and you are home 5 days out of 7 - thats a pretty low seperation in the great scheme of things.

nokidshere Wed 15-Aug-12 19:37:46

gategypsy I never feel guilty - whats the point? I do what I need to do for my family and thats life. Feeling guilty just makes everyone feel bad about the situation.

OLimpPickMeddles Wed 15-Aug-12 19:41:00

Please, please Altinkum, don't feel guilty. the norm for your DCs is whatever you make it, as long as they are safe and well cared for. You have done that yourself, you are continuing to do that by finding good childcare, and by working to provide for them, and for their future.

I know you are concerned that your DCs won't settle at nursery / school. That would be the same whether you are a SAHM or a working Mum. Please don't beat yourself up! They will settle (do you know many 7 / 11 / 13 / 15 year olds who won't leave Mum?), and resilience is a key attribute that we can and should develop in our DCs.

I have worked P/T throughout my DCs childhood - yes, there were some difficult times when I needed to compromise either my home life or my working life, but now I am at the other end of the journey(waiting for DS's A level results tomorrow, so a bit emotional tonight - have also had wine!!), and I have 2 well balanced, HAPPY young people, ready and confident to achieve their best - and my DD has a working Mum as a role model.

It will all be OK grin

Sassybeast Wed 15-Aug-12 19:42:15

It's very early days and will take a bit of time for them to adjust.

I think it's rubbish to suggest that 'guilt' is a non negotiable part of being a working mum. if my kids were starving and i couldn't afford to clothe them cos i chose not to work THEN I'd have something to feel guilty about hmm

I think you need to move away from the mentality that you are doing something wrong and start focusing on the positives. You are providing for your family and that's a great thing. Maybe arrange a special treat for your first day off - and big up the fact that you've paid for it with your wages wink

chibi Wed 15-Aug-12 19:45:18

i don't feel guilty. i took a one year mat leave with both dc and then went back to work 3 days a week. when dc2 was born, this meant staying at home for a full year when she was 2. the next year she started preschool, and i went back to work. it was a period of adjustment for both children, but i have a fantastic CM, and her preschool was also great, so we got there in the end.

after a couple of mmonths, it simply became the way things were.

as yours are a bit older, this period of adjustment may take a bit longer, but you will get there. you are doing your best for your family, they are not being harmed, and it will ultimately turn out ok.

talk to the nursery about settling in strategies - they will have seen everything before, and will have suggestions for things that you can do to help your youngest with the transition. Your eldest will be busy again once school starts, and a return to a familiar routine will help him adjust to your new working schedule.

you will be fine! no need for guilt! x

KittyFane1 Wed 15-Aug-12 19:46:50

Why feel guilty? You are working to ensure that your family have enough money to pay for a home and enjoy life. If you didn't, life would be far more stressful as you watch the debts mount.
You are doing what you need to do so never feel guilty about that.
Your DC will adjust.

Wheresthedamndog Wed 15-Aug-12 19:50:59

I understand completely how you feel. Olimpick's brilliant post above says it all.

It's hardest when they are small I think. It does seem to get better as they get older.

When I posted here with a similar load of guilt once, someone said 'you do what you have to do'. That's it really. You're just doing what you have to do to make sure your kids are clothed, fed, warm and have a roof over their heads.

I don't know that we can ever fully resolve the guilt, but you can take comfort from the knowledge that you're providing for your kids and giving them a good role model, too. For that, you deserve congratulations.

Nagoo Wed 15-Aug-12 20:00:13

School will help to settle things.

Routines work wonders.

I think that they are reacting badly because it is change, rather than because you are doing something detrimental to them.

They will come round. I know you must feel terrible, I did when I first went back. And you feel bad so you will overcompensate to an extent so I think that makes behaviour worse as you are giving them more leeway than usual.

Plan an activity to do with them when you get home so that you have special time. Play a boardgame or something after tea? I used to spend all my wages on craft activites to do with DS I felt so bad about leaving him.

But things settle down, and you will all adjust to it. You will feel better when you have a bit more cash to do nice things with them, and they will settle into their childcare. 2 days is really soon.

altinkum Wed 15-Aug-12 20:00:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

altinkum Wed 15-Aug-12 20:05:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sjm0704 Mon 01-Oct-12 23:42:11

im turning this on its head a bit forgive me......i used to have my own business, worked 6 days a week loved it, went back to work 3 weeks after ds was born....full time, anyway to cut a long story short...closed my shop, when ds was 5 mths old, had 7 months with him only working 2 days a week for myself...anyway have got a partime job (3 days) now and am really struggling with feeling guilty for not been able to work late/early/short notice..i.e today...went in at 8.20 (dont get paid until 9, but had to pick ds up at 9.12 due to sicky bug...boss unimpressed. ..shes got older child now so has obviously forgotten what its like...am tempted to hand notice in,i love my job and really needed to get out and see people again but the stress and guilt i have for 24 hours work and a take home pay of precisely 60p after childcare costs ,forgive the moan but long day filled with vomit, tears and tantrums (and that was just me!!)..anyone else feel the same???

BridgetBidet Tue 02-Oct-12 00:01:29

Take up drinking as well as working. You don't feel half as guilty when you're pissed.

attheendoftheday Tue 02-Oct-12 00:17:49

You're working because you have to work. Your children would not be better off without a roof over their heads or food on the table. Please don't feel guilty,you aredoing your best for them. I try to think of it like I think of getting their immunisations done, they may not like it but it's in their best interests and it's part of being a good parent.

They will settle into the new routine and it will not be so bad forever.

Leena49 Tue 02-Oct-12 04:15:26

Try working full time. The guilt level increases. But saying that they are both doing really well at school and are great kids. What matters is they know you love them and are doing your best for them.

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