To think that a 12 hour day is not a good enough reason to

[Ouluckyduck]

think you can come in from work and do nothing but pour the wine and switch on the tv, not getting in any way involved with putting the children to bed.

This is my brother btw not my dh! Him and his wife are going through a major crisis. My mum thinks my dsil doesn't appreciate how hard he works and its driving me mad to listen to her telling everyone how unreasonable dsil's expectations are!

[wankpants]

I think Y may be a bit U. That's a fucking long day. Surely the kids are in bed when he leaves and when he gets home? What does he do? Why 12 hours?

[Ouluckyduck]

He leaves at 7 and gets back between half six and seven. He's a civil engineer.

[musicposy]

I'm not sure. Both DH and I do 12 hour days and they are bloody knackering. We are fit for nothing at the end. I never used to be so understanding until I did them myself. Now we are both much more helpful when the other is on a long day and try to take all the burden of any housework and childcare.

If he does more than his fair share on the days he isn't working these hours, I think his wife is being a bit unreasonable. If he uses it as an excuse to do sod all 100% of the time, she isn't.

[Ouluckyduck]

His company is one of those where people are treated with company if they don't spend hours and hours at their desk.

[nailak]

am i missing something, or is being a mother a longer day then 12 hours? you wake up in the night with the kids, wake up before them to get stuff ready, go to bed after them and clean up etc.

[RubyFakeNails]

That is a long day, you haven't said what work he's doing. DH occasionally does this although his are more like 10 and at 12 hours he is visibly exhausted (this is working in the city).

Does your SIL work?

[Ouluckyduck]

I'm talking things like reading a story for ten minutes, supervising teeth brushing, just getting involved in the bedtime routine.

[AgentZigzag]

I've done 12 hour shifts in the past, and would have had trouble pouring wine/putting the TV on after one tbh.

It's a bloody good reason to have some time relaxing, people make themselves ill doing too much too often.

Your SIL is very unreasonable.

[Ouluckyduck]

Exactly nailak. Sil works two days a week. The have three children.

[ceegeebee]

My DH leaves at 715 and gets back around 730-8pm. We have 9mo twins and he gets them up, changes nappies and brings them to me. He doesn't see them again until the next morning. That's just the way it is if you have to work long hours- tbh I think his day is harder than mine so I don't expect him to do anything in the evenings other than help with washing dishes.

[captainhastings]

I regularly do an eleven hour day at my desk and then a few more hours at home but still help out at home . However of I am being honest quite often I come home and do nothing . I think it depends on the hours that the other adult is doing,

[GhostShip]

Depends what the crisis is.

I used to do 12 hour, sometimes 14 hour, shifts everyday. They're not that bad.

[JumpingThroughHoops]

Hmm, I do an 8 hour working plus 3 or 4 hrs house work/child ferrying etc. DH does 14 hours a day plus all wend child ferrying

I certainly wouldnt expect him to start waving the bog brush when he came in.

On the rare occasions were things are reversed and he's working from home, I come in to a tidy house.

He/she who is at home does the chores. End of. He/she who chooses to be a SAHP should remember the H stands for HOME - their job, whilst being financially supported is to run the home

[Kladdkaka]

Dunno. I'd be completely destroyed after a 12 hours shift but my husband leaves at 5.30, gets in a 7.30 and still helps out with dinner and clearing up.

[AgentZigzag]

'If he does more than his fair share on the days he isn't working these hours, I think his wife is being a bit unreasonable. If he uses it as an excuse to do sod all 100% of the time, she isn't. '

I agree with this, she shouldn't expect him to get stuck right in as soon as he steps foot in the door, who'd want to go home to that?

But after he's had a sit down he should do his 'fair' share.

[LimeLeafLizard]

A 12 hour day isn't particularly long if it includes his commuting time. DH and many family members work these hours.

If DH gets back early (7pm) he puts the kids in the bath whilst I tidy up, finish making his / our meal, and prepare for the next day. If we are both sitting down by 8pm we consider ourselves lucky.

I think your DBro could help in that bedtime hour - what ages are the kids?

Maybe your Mum hasn't woken up to the reality that those are the hours that many people work these days?

[EthelredOnAGoodDay]

OP, read this and nearly burst out laughing as this could be my DH...who is also a civil engineer! I feel your SILs pain, although DH is pretty good at the weekend and does loads to help then. No comment really on whether or not YABU (sitting on fence...)

[chickydoo]

My DH leaves at 7am & is home at 9.00pm
So a 14 hr day. He usually works a bit at home too.
I work 7 hr days ( 5 hrs in day, 2 in evening) also do all kid stuff, & housework.
We have 4 kids, thankfully eldest now acts as my evening baby sitter.
It's tough when DH not around & everything is down to me, but he works very hard & is always exhausted. Life is hard these days though, we just get on with it I guess.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

I wouldn't count the travelling included as a '12 hour day' - travelling is tiring but it's not the same as being at work.

I think if he works/travels 12 hours 5 days a week he will be knackered and will not be up to much, but then maybe at the weekend it is his turn?

[lechatnoir]

Depends whether he wants to see his kids or has to do anything. I assume he commutes as 12 hrs would be fairly normal & what I do on a good day except is I rush home precisely so I can get my kids to bed and then chip in with meal prep/clearing. In theory I could walk in & plonk myself down but (a) DH would tell me to get off my backside and (b) DC would want to know why I was ignoring them!! It sounds like he's a lazy sod who has been allowed to get away with murder for too long.

[BlastOff]

I work a twelve hour day the three days a week I'm at work. And when I get home I am straight into bed time routine, often without eating until much later as a consequence. Dh and I do it together and yes, I'm knackered, but otherwise I wouldn't get to see the children at all that day.

He should help, of course he should.

But I'm guessing he's like my bil and slept in a different room when the children were babies because he needed his sleep??

[Ouluckyduck]

Just to clarify. She doesn't expect him to do any housework after work. She would just like him to get involved a bit with putting the children to bed, giving them a bit of attention.

[bobbledunk]

Your sil is being unreasonable, working a proper job for 12 hours is far more exhausting than looking after a couple of kids for the day.