AIBU over GP visits?(25 Posts)
My DS is 2. My parents have been down to stay for 2 or 3 nights every month over the past 9 months. My parents live about 3 hours south of here. We also skype nearly every single day (I offer).
I work 3 days a week and DS is in nursery for those 3 days. On a work/nursery day, it is a conveyor belt to get in, get dinner, bed etc. So, I don't work a Thu or Fri (or the weekend). DH works full time and parents are retired. When they come to visit they don't help out much, which is fine, I don't have a problem with that.
However, have just been informed by father that I dictate when they come down and how long they stay for. They normally come on a thurs morn and leave on sat lunch time. As I understood it, as my mum had said this several times, she wants to make sure the three of us (me, DS and DH) have time the 3 of us of together, leaving us the sunday.
I have told them they are welcome to come and visit, just speak to us first to make sure the diary is clear. Given our working/nursery arrangements I really am not sure when he expects to come to visit (he won't discuss it, just chucks out rude aggressive statements and shuts down, no discussion allowed).
When they are here I do find it quite hard work as my dad is huffy and grumpy. And really, these days we don't get beyond small talk. I wouldn't see him nearly so much were it not for DS.
So, what I want to know, is seeing your DS (only grandchild), once a month, for 2 - 3 days U? Really?
My parents used to take us from Yorkshire to Nottingham and Middlesbrough on alternate weekends to see the grandparents when me and my sister were little.
So could you go up to see them once a month and they come to you once a month?
I don't think it's unreasonable. You are busy and it is for them to fit in with your plans, not the other way around. I'm assuming they aren't as busy as you are.
We aren't that busy, but far busier than them. We sometimes like to see friends at the weekend, or do stuff the three of us (dad shows little enthusiasm when I make suggestions of things for us to do, or I say, 'what do you fancy doing tomorrow?' and his response is 'I've no idea, I've not thought about it'). They don't have stuff on over the weekends, so they could pretty much come anytime. Is it really U for me to say, 'oh we can't do that weekend, we have prior commitments, how about the following weekend?"
Honestly, I wouldn't want to be going down to see them AND have them here in a month. That is half the weekends of the month gone. I need down time too.
Can you ask him what he'd prefer? Then you'd be able to explain the issues with that.
He does sound a bit unreasonable - to be honest, he sounds as if he's forgotten you're adults now and do occasionally have a life he doesn't organize.
It does sound as if they come to visit a lot, though.
LRD I have asked, but he refuses to discuss it. He is like a child and it is so frustrating. It makes it impossible to resolve anything.
After this (there was more insults thrown at me) I wouldn't have him to stay again if weren't for my DS as I want them to have a good relationship.
I feel that one weekend a month is good, they stay with us, so they see lots of DS when they are here. And daily skypes. I really just don't know that they expect? And I guess I will never know if he acts like a petulant child and refuses to discuss it.
Yes, one weekend a month is a lot, I think! I suspect if it were me I might try to travel up maybe once every six months? Not for him, so much, but for your DS.
I think he's throwing his toys out of the pram because you're grown up.
YANBU and your father is - some people seem to regress and get very stroppy and self absorbed when thy retire, usually if they don't have much else going on in their lives once they stop working. Are you an only child without siblings to share the emotional workload? I guess you could alternate going to stay with them one month, and them staying with you the next, but I don't think you need to see them more often than you do, especially as your dad won't even tell you what he wants, just that he wants to be the one setting the terms and doesn't want to have to plan around you (despite the fact you are the one with fixed work days and he apparently has few other fixed commitments and no work to plan around).
He does throw his toys out of the pram, he totally does. I feel like I am the adult and he is the child when I am trying to get him to discuss something. It is infuriating and exhausting.
I just wanted to gauge whether once a month for a weekend stay was not a lot of time with DS.
I am not an only child, have one brother with whom dad has a very strained relationship. They don't speak much to be honest.
I don't think he can accept (or more importantly respect) that I am an adult (36 years old FFS) who lives her own life.
Will your mother discuss it?
My mum doesn't see dd that much and she's only 10 miles away.
Mum is stuck in the middle. She really doesn't know (she says to me anyway) what he has got his knickers in a twist about. She is happy with how much and when she sees DS. She understands that we work etc, so once a month is totally reasonable.
I think he gets annoyed too as I ask him to keep the noise down when I settle DS to sleep etc. I have a light sleeper.
I felt like telling them if it bothered him that much, move up here.
If he won't do you the basic courtesy of discussing it I think I'd tell him that visits are off until he develops some respect and manners and that you'll Skype once a week to talk to your mother.
Sorry - didn't finish my message cos I cannot control this iTouchthingy.
I begin again... ( and it's not even interesting).... My mother would whoop for joy at seeing my kids once a month. They live nearer than yours and we only manage about every 2 to 3 months. My eldest is 7 and has sports/parties etc. I cannot fit it all in ( unless we get a 3 day weekend).
Tell your mother to tell your father to frame up and enjoy it whilst their grandchild is young.
I think that sounds like quite a lot.
When my dd was little my parents lived about 4 hours away we saw each other probably once every 6 months. It didnt affect their relationship with my dd. My dd would act like she had only seen them the day b4. She was so relaxed & comfortable with my parents. My parents would write or phone. There are other ways to keep in contact.
I am cutting back on the skypes. I did it for their benefit not ours, and after his outburst I cannot be faffed doing it anymore. He will take this as a slap in the face and no doubt he will completely over react, but stuff him.
So bloody what if I tell them when it is suitable to come down and visit. Is that such a bad thing?!
Thing is ilovesooty I would tell him no more visits, but it means my mum cannot come and see DS (long story, but she just cannot travel on her own). So I don't want her to miss out. AND if I said that he would take it in his own twisted way as me having said he is never allowed to see DS again. I know that is wrong and not a reason not to do it, but I am trying to be the bigger person so my DS has a relationship with her GPs
That sounds understandable, pointbreak
He sounds horrible.
3 days a month and daily skyping is loads! Way more than anyone I know who's folks don't live locally. That's a quarter of your year's weekends.
I saw my grandparents once a year and spoke to them once a week growing up and I know that's not loads compared to a lot of people but we still have a good relationship.
Your dad sounds like mine
I think 2-3 days a month is loads considering the distance. Mine live a similar distance and we only manage four visits a year. Phone calls once every two weeks.
Is he just a grumpy git? Is it worth asking him not to come if he is going to be grumpy and rude. If he has a problem he needs to talk about it in a adult way.
Or stop skyping if he is rude and if asked why be honest and explain that this rudeness if not acceptable.
I'm still in shock that you Skype every day ......
Most of the skypes are just for 5 mins at most. A quick hello. I won't be doing it anymore. There will be a comment made. I am not sure how to deal with it as he generally isn't rude on skype (DS) is there. But maybe when he doesn't have them he will see how much of an effort I made IYSKIM.
If I tell him not to come if he is grumpy and rude that will mean he takes the huff and simply will not come. Which I could not give 2 hoots about were it not for the fact it means my mum would miss out.
Pointbreak YANBU at all. It would be pointless for them to visit on work/nursery days. We are in a very similar position to you, I work mon to weds, very full on job while my 2 year old is at a CM. My husband works full time including antisocial shifts and doesn't get back until very late. My mum and dad live about 3 hours down South too and come up around the same amount as your parents as we are just too busy otherwise. Sounds like your mum is more understanding. Fully empathise with you how stressful it is juggling everything!
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