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to be upset that parents have complained about my daughter?

(394 Posts)

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thereslovely Tue 17-Jul-12 17:58:16

A group of parents in my 7 year old adopted daughter's school have complained to the school about her behaviour towards their little darlings. Fair enough she can be difficult (emotional, behavioural needs) but is also really sweet and lovable and can't help herself because of her start in life (attachment disorder.) Apparently the parents have been phoning each other up - the class teacher didn't even approve of their behaviour. My dd was not invited to the latest party (even though the little boy came to hers) and the other children in the class took their party clothes to school to change into. My daughter came out of school saying the little boy forgot to put her on his list but that she could still go (I know she was deliberately not invited because the mum is the ringleader of the group of parents.) I feel like having a word with the parents. I don't know if they know that my daughter is adopted and I feel like shaming them by telling them about her awful start in life. I wouldn't because it's her personal life story but what should I say? When I think of my little girl being excluded from parties, tears come to my eyes. I'm sure I couldn't do that to any child, whatever their behaviour was like.

MetalliMa Tue 17-Jul-12 17:59:35

sorry but it does depend on what your dd has done ot their children really.

WorraLiberty Tue 17-Jul-12 18:01:40

Yes you haven't described her behaviour towards the other children.

squeakytoy Tue 17-Jul-12 18:01:59

I would strongly suggest NOT telling them about her start in life, because that will then do the school gossip like wildfire and other children may pick up on that and use it as a stick to beat her with.

It must be very upsetting for you, but at least you understand why she behaves as she does, and as her mum you can work on it with her.

Socknickingpixie Tue 17-Jul-12 18:03:05

i couldnt do that to any child either, but people who can dont tend to feel shame.
im upset on your behalf but chances are you will proberly find something nice to do togather and will have more fun

gothicangel Tue 17-Jul-12 18:03:30

i can see your upset but the way they are acting, and tbh she is your daughter so you will be,

but...what has she been doing?

Pagwatch Tue 17-Jul-12 18:03:49

I think you are looking at this from the point of view that it is 'them and us'.
I understand that - it is very hurtful and you must feel awful for your dd - but it is honestly unlikely that they have randomly decided to gang up on you.

Have you spoken to the school? What are the problem behaviours that the other parents worry about? Are there any children your dd gets along with? Could she have a friend over for tea where you could supervise and help your dd?

Nancy66 Tue 17-Jul-12 18:03:51

It's very unlikely they do know your daughter is adopted if you've never told them and neither has the school.

What has your daughter been doing/saying to the other kids?

boredandrestless Tue 17-Jul-12 18:04:08

The school shouldn't be supporting parents in allowing the majority of the class to get dressed up for a party that one or two children in the class were not invited to! The school should NOT have allowed this situation for your DD, or for any child. It's just not fair.

My DS has special needs and often doesn't get invited to parties, however, my closest friend at the school has an amiable, laid back, well liked kid in my DS's class, and he doesn't get invited to all of the parties either. So I try not to take it personally.

I also know other parents have discussed my DS between themselves. I judge them on this but would never let them know they've upset me. I simply hold my head up high knowing I am a better person than they are.

thereslovely Tue 17-Jul-12 18:04:29

I understand if a parent complains about an incident but I don't like the fact that there is a group of parents getting together to complain. Worse is inviting the whole class to a party except one child.

manicbmc Tue 17-Jul-12 18:04:40

Surely there are other ways to tackle a child's behaviour?

Smacks of bullying parents to me.

Could you spend some time in her class and see if there is any other child she might find easier to interact with?

TeamEdward Tue 17-Jul-12 18:04:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stillorsparkling Tue 17-Jul-12 18:05:00

How does she behave towards the other children?

Nancy66 Tue 17-Jul-12 18:05:23

I agree that inviting all bar one child in a class to a party is a shitty thing to do

Tee2072 Tue 17-Jul-12 18:05:32

I'm sorry to hear she has detachment disorder, but if she has been behaving badly, there will be consequences.

cocolepew Tue 17-Jul-12 18:05:48

I dont get this obsession with birthday parties. My DDs havent been to hardly any at all but still have friends.

imnotmymum Tue 17-Jul-12 18:05:52

That is disgusting behaviour from the parents and I am sad and cross for you and her. What sort of signal is that sending out to their children. However you do not describe in what manner she is treating the other children but the teacher should have something in place to support her in class.

Dropdeadfred Tue 17-Jul-12 18:05:53

Don't you think people have a right to expect that their little 'darlings ' are not hurt or otherwise affected by your ddi's behaviour?

Socknickingpixie Tue 17-Jul-12 18:07:13

fwiw my son used to get this a lot because he wouldnt make eye contact wouldnt talk he dosnt care any more because his real friends are cool with him

WorraLiberty Tue 17-Jul-12 18:10:04

How do you know the parents have been phoning each other up specifically to chat about your DD?

JumpingThroughHoops Tue 17-Jul-12 18:12:27

I'm afraid not everyone can be popular.

You daughter is dealing with some events in her past when she is at too young an age to fully comprehend and deal with that past.

As she gets older, she will learn to manage her behaviour and to fit in more with her peers.

I know it's hard, however from what you have written at the moment - and no none of us should pry as to exactly what has happened - then she is pretty much disliked. She will learn to conform eventually.

It's awfully hard for you, and for her.

But please don't make excuses for her, show her the correct way to behave and her to learn emotional awareness of other people.

Callisto Tue 17-Jul-12 18:12:27

What sort of behaviour are we talking about here? Because not many people (myself included) would tolerate a badly behaved, disruputive child, especially at a birthday party.

MetalliMa Tue 17-Jul-12 18:12:28

sorry bit you still havn't said what your dd has done.
hard to judge otherwise.
as for parents getting together.
that is normal, when ds was in primary and there was one boy who bullied the others, of course we talked. that is the only way you can find out how wide spread it is.(not calling your dd a bully, just an example)

PenisVanLesbian Tue 17-Jul-12 18:14:40

It depends. If your child is hurting other children, what matters to their parents is stopping it, not understanding her start in life.

JumpingThroughHoops Tue 17-Jul-12 18:17:05

I'm afraid not everyone can be popular.

You daughter is dealing with some events in her past when she is at too young an age to fully comprehend and deal with that past.

As she gets older, she will learn to manage her behaviour and to fit in more with her peers.

I know it's hard, however from what you have written at the moment - and no none of us should pry as to exactly what has happened - then she is pretty much disliked. She will learn to conform eventually.

It's awfully hard for you, and for her.

But please don't make excuses for her, show her the correct way to behave and her to learn emotional awareness of other people.

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