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To say fuck ruining your life, pay some bloody child maintenance

(619 Posts)
MagicLlamaStrikesBack Tue 17-Jul-12 10:36:23

DS2(7) dad has chosen to have nothing to do with him.

He hasnt seen him now since just after Christmas. Prior to that hes seen him on about 5 occasions in the preceeding 12 months and that is the sum of his involvement in the whole of DSs life to date the fuckwit

Finally after being messed around with I will see him its just very difficult and lifes messy and whines about not knowing him, I in a fit of spiteful temper contacted the CSA in April. I let Ex know, cue a raft of text messages about his life being ruined, how he wouldnt be able afford to live, how selfish I was etc etc. Finally after me ignoring him he stopped texting.

The CSA have been useless a bit slow and its taken them until last week to actually get in contact with him, and ive received 4 missed calls from the Ex over the weekend, followed by a very self pitying facebook message yesterday, saying that they have assessed him at £375 per month!!! This will apparently ruin his life even more than me contacting him to try and get him to see DS did, he will not have any kind of life whilst he has to pay maintenance, it will mean he will lose his house, his partner is on the verge of leaving him because of this crap, he wont even be able to afford his dog, or his gym membership or even his (sob sob cry) fish.

My initial reponse if Fuck the Fuck Off, but I dont actually want to ruin his life, so am wobbling on the verge of backing down as all I wanted was for him to see DS.

StrandedBear Tue 17-Jul-12 10:39:20

CSA is 10% of net monthly wage, if it really is 375 a month then your xp is earning a fair whack!

Don't feel bad, at all. This is power play to get you to back down. And another attempt to control and manipulate do not let it work.

RaisinDEtre Tue 17-Jul-12 10:39:52

Ach he has to pay, ignore sob story

And block him on fb

How about going through formal channels for contact?

KatherineKavanagh Tue 17-Jul-12 10:39:54

Take the money. It becomes more important as they get older.... But you could offer some back to cover his expenses during contact? ( do paying him to see ds I guess)

Thistledew Tue 17-Jul-12 10:43:37

Presuming that:

a) you had some sort of relationship with your DS's father, and didn't just raid his rubbish bin for a used condom (ick, sorry for that image!)

Or

b) you are not a multi millionaire to whom £300 a month will not make a drop in the ocean enhancement to your sons life;

Then you should not waver. Your son deserves to be supported by both his parents, even if one is a selfish, self-pitying wimp. You should not feel sorry for someone who holds his fish in higher regard than his son.

OhNoMyFanjo Tue 17-Jul-12 10:45:31

Half all your bills and tell him he can pay that if he would prefer

cuntflapwankbadger Tue 17-Jul-12 10:45:39

Don't back down. He CHOSE to have a SON and should pay for for HIS SON as a priority over his bloody gym membership and fish shock

WTAF is wrong with him?!

MagicLlamaStrikesBack Tue 17-Jul-12 10:46:36

Stranded Yes he is on a fair whack. Hes a doctor and hes definately in the higher tax bracket!

See i did threaten the CSA before, but backed down when he said he would see DS which then of course he didnt do

He does guilt trip me about it all, because when I first found him I did say it wasnt about the money, it was about DS knowing him and his family. Hes now saying that i lied, that it was about the money, and I only contacted him once he was on a good job, and im jealous!

* Raisin* I looked at applying for a contact order, but I was told I cant actually force him to see DS, so it was basically pointless.

Katherine He doesnt want contact. None at all. He reckons DS can find him when hes 18 if he wants to know who he is! Id forgo any money if he would just see DS, as he well knows, but even that wont make him see DS.

wannabedomesticgoddess Tue 17-Jul-12 10:47:51

He cannot afford fish?

Words have finally failed me...

DO NOT waver!!!

KatherineKavanagh Tue 17-Jul-12 10:48:43

Then I would ensure he pays that money. My dd has just turned 18 and now realises why I struggled with no maintenance from her dad. She is sickened

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 17-Jul-12 10:48:47

What a pussy seriously I am incensed on your behalf, tell his bird to pay for her fecking self, and should she have a kid with him too, this is the least she can expect him to do to her the turd.

ENormaSnob Tue 17-Jul-12 10:48:47

Take the money.

Dprince Tue 17-Jul-12 10:50:43

He is lying. And hoping to guilt you into backing down.
If his partner is upset over all this, then she should have thought about that before getting with a man who has a child. Or would she prefer a partner who ignores his responsibilities?
He clearly earns a bit of money, and must contribute to his son. That comes before the gym and fish ( is it just me that doesn't get why he is worried about fish). He is a dick and is hoping you feel sorry for him. He doesn't give a shit about his kid.

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 17-Jul-12 10:51:21

He's a doctor? seriously words fail me, pity his patients, so much for the empathy side to his personality then.

wannabedomesticgoddess Tue 17-Jul-12 10:52:47

Sorry, I have just read hes a doctor. Explains a lot.

You cannot make him have contact. And if hes that adament then I suggest you stop trying. But take the money. Even if you dont want it, put it in a trust for DS to help him pay for education or his future.

This man has to acknowledge his son. And if paying maintenance is the only way you can make him do that then so be it.

KatherineKavanagh Tue 17-Jul-12 10:53:19

Do it for your son, it will be a big blow for him to discover his dad didn't want a relationship with him, and a bigger blow to discover he didn't pay maintenance for those flaky reasons he's given. Think long term

Put it aside for him later on

ApocalypseCheeseToastie Tue 17-Jul-12 10:53:23

Take the bleddy money, you owe him nothing.

Stick it all into a savings account or him until he's 19 or hoard each year then blow it all on a holiday but for the love of cheese take it !

peeriebear Tue 17-Jul-12 10:53:31

DD1's genetic contributor (he has never been any kind of father) did similar. When the CSA caught up with him and he realised that yes, he'd have to pay up after all plus arrears, he wheedled for me to sort out an arrangement between us- clearly for less than the stated amount, and clearly with the option for him to withhold/drop the arrangement at any time as it wouldn't have been through any agency. I completely ignored him, made no contact at all. He had to cough up in the end.

hairytale Tue 17-Jul-12 10:53:43

Oh my god. What a prize arse he is. He's a doctor and quibbling over £375? And his dog and fish and gym are more important to him than his son?

Do not waiver.

calypso2008 Tue 17-Jul-12 10:54:33

Take the money - don't think twice, it belongs to your son.

Viviennemary Tue 17-Jul-12 10:54:41

Good grief. He should pay up and that's the end of it. Can't believe he is moaning when he earns such a good salary. Please don't back down. He is incredibly selfish and should pay towards his child.

Xayide Tue 17-Jul-12 10:54:42

Take the money and treat access and him seeing your son as a separate issue.

He has a DC he pays - it will probably all your DS will get out of him anyway and I can't believe it won't either make your son live easier or be useful to your son in the future as savings.

whackamole Tue 17-Jul-12 10:55:14

Actually I believe they can take up to 40% if there is back payments to be made, which is clearly the case here!

Not that I am condoning his behaviour, he is being a shit. Don't back down.

midori1999 Tue 17-Jul-12 10:55:15

Who cares tbh?! He obviously expects to just have a child, find a new partner and then pretend that child never existed, as he doesn't want contact, nor to pay mainatenance.

How does he think you are going to explain to a 7 year old that his father no longer wants to see him? He didn't care about ruining your sons life did he?

Money won't make up for the lack of contact, but it might mean your son can have some things (maybe a yearly holiday) that he otherwsie wouldn't get and that is better than nothing. Aside, of course, from the fact that absent parents should pay to help raise their children.

Dprince Tue 17-Jul-12 10:56:34

wannabe is right that money is for your son. If you don't need it put it away for him. Whether its spent on day to day stuff or in savings your son deserves support from his father. Unfortunately it seems financial support is all you can get for your son. Pity really, but not your fault.

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