About friend who thinks I'm lucky because I get a break from my DS's because I'm divorced

[Jules666]

and they're at their dads.

So I'm sat here drinking wine, on my own as nobody to go out with, missing my boys and she thinks 'that I would understand if I were her and never got a break'

I've texted her back to say that she's got a husband in the house and can go and have a break and leave kids with hubby.

AIBU in thinking that it's not the same as being lonely and missing them when there's nothing you can do about it as they want to spend time with their dad.

Go on tell it to me straight. Am fortified with wine so can take it!

[gordyslovesheep]

no YANBU I miss my girls horribly when they are at their dads

[rhondajean]

No it's not jules but I do kinda understand. My DH works most weekends so I have to find a babysitter if I want to go out, and if not, I'm often home alone with them (not a bad thing always!). Meanwhile some of my single friends do have more freedom, because there is one weekend out of two they don't have to deal with things like that, and because I don't have that I can get jealous in a way.

On the other hand I have a DH to come home to me and to support me and to help with things, and I know my friends can get jealous of that.

I think what I'm trying to say is nothing is perfect, and sometimes it's the bits of other peoples lives you don't have that appeal but without you thinking through all the difficulties tht they have as well?

[corlan]

In all seriousness, tell her to have a look at the Lone Parents section on Mumsnet if she wants to get a real idea of what being on your own entails.It should be compulsory reading for all those who think single parents are whooping it up on their child support money!

[ToothbrushThief]

When I first split up a bonus for me was exactly what she was describing i.e. a break from my DC.

I had a husband in the house and can go and have a break and leave kids with hubby. Didn't work like that ever. I can remember laughing about it being a bonus after we split so I can see where she is coming from.

I enjoyed my time when ex had DC - went out (on my own) and lay in - stuff I couldn't do with DC

I don't think she will get all the crap that comes with divorce - it's unimaginably painful

[knowitallstrikesagain]

This has been debated a lot. What it seems to come down to is, if your relationship before divorce consisted of two adults essentially living seperate lives under the same roof, there was resentment and anger and hurt, and the mum felt like she was fully responsible for the children, then divorce can offer a break which did not exist before. Whether it is wanted or not is another thing!

Some people are very happily divorced, use the child-free time to see friends without restrictions, safe in the knowledge that their children are with a loving parent who will care for them well. In these circumstances, when the outsider is in an unhappy relationship where they feel like a lone parent already but with the added stress of living with an unsupportive partner, it must seem like a 'break'.

YANBU to miss your children, to be sad about your situation. But your friend's comment seems to say more about her level of contentment with her own life.

[HMTheQueen]

If it's any consolation - I was told I am lucky as my husband died - and that meant I didn't have to share my DS with anyone or worry about having to divide up the house.

Yep, really lucky, me - with a DH that died when DS was 7 months old. Caught a break, didn't I?

[diddl]

Blimey-if I were her & close by I´d be offering to come round!

Some people are so tactless, aren´t they?

[gordyslovesheep]

but even if you fill your life with stuff - I am usually up to something - tomorrow night is the first in 6 weeks where I am home, you still miss them like buggery - it isn't like going out and comming home to your husband and sleeping kids - the house is empty and too quiet

I can't lie in - I usually go to the gym

[surroundedbyblondes]

YANBU. My heart would break if I had to miss my kids every other week. I'm very thankful that I'm not confronted with the kind of upset, frustration, hurt or worse in my marriage that would mean I had to choose that route.

[gordyslovesheep]

FOOK ME HMTheQueen really!

[HMTheQueen]

Yep - she'd just been through a nasty divorce - so I could see why she wished for those things. BUT (and a big but) I actually loved my husband and didn't want him to die.

Obviously not what she thought about her XH!

[Sirzy]

HM how thoughtless can anyone get. There are some stupid people out ther!!


Jules YANBU, but if your friend is struggling to find any me time I can sort of understand how she is feeling. I am a single mum but with no support from DS dad and there are times I envy friends who share childcare with their partner/ex meaning they can go out etc BUT most of the time I wouldn't want to change things!

[sharklet]

The grass is always greener on the other side. There is no way that it a great position to be in sat alone while x has kids, but equally you do have the opportunity to go and do things that she percieves she does not. She may also be in some useless and ineffective way trying to give you a positive thing to take from your free time.

People never understand the circumstances of another person from thier POV properly. Don't let it get you down.

[nokidshere]

I agree with knowitall

being part of a couple doesn't always mean that you have support and free time so maybe she is envious that you have time to sit down alone and catch your breath. I know lots of women (sadly) who have to ask their dh/partner if they can go out or to look after the children while they have a bath etc.

If you are an unsupported woman working, doing childcare, running the house a weekend alone must sound like bliss. I wouldn;t take it personally I would just feel sad that she feels like that when she has a partner.

[lovebunny]

virtual hugs! i know. daughter had to go out with her dad, meet his new family etc.
try to half-plan some things for when your boys are away. having said that, i always fall asleep if she's out and i can't get her - even now. i kind of shut down until she's back.

[MammaTJ]

I am furious on your behalf!!

I couldn't stand it when my DD had to go to her dads after he left me for a troll like thing!! I did not want to share nicely!!

Even worse when she stropped off at 14 and went to live with them!!

[Wigglewoo]

[MammaTJ]

HA, Wigglewoo, you will have to leave him too then!!

[Wigglewoo]

:) .... Luckily this dh is fantastic and I do actually get a break so I can't complain lol but my ex was useless and the only way I'd ever have a moments peace was to leave.

[PizzaSlut]

I think its a situation that no one has the perfect life.

I have had to sit there today and listen to a friends wonderful plans for her child free weekend while I contemplate a weekend of looking after my brood by myself as DH is working nights all weekend so will be in bed all day and working all night. It's my birthday as well.

But then she has to listen to me talking about my evening gym visits, the lie ins I will get during the school holidays, the holidays where I get time to sit on sun loungers reading while DH entertains the kids. All the things she can't do.

In my waffling way I suppose the grass seems greener in both your lives, but neither of you would swap with me for when I was a lone parent my DD didn't have an active father so didn't get a break at all.

[Jules666]

Oh wow what a lot of responses!

HM - that is unbelievable - surprised you didn't lamp them one ( not that I'm advocating violence!)

I do think she's in an unhappy marriage but from what she's said her husband is capable of looking after their children so she can go out and do things she wants to, except she doesn't!. Tbh it does annoy me that she thinks that my life is great because the kids are at their dads but won't even drive herself somewhere (because she doesn't 'like' driving) so never goes out unless someone else picks her up and then takes her home. I've invited her over to mine as we live in walking distance but she's never come so given up asking now.

kim147 - you are right. My life is shit. I'm dreading the school hols as I work in a school so will be billy no mates once they start their hols. I know I need to do something but with low self confidence it's hard. I joined a dating site but chickened out of replying to anyone. Having low self confidence then exh cheating on me with some old trout hasn't helped!!

[Wigglewoo]

I met my dh on the dreaded plenty of fish... So it CAN work! :) but plenty of idiots on there too .. (One memorable one took great delight in telling me he was the chairman of the vegemite society - wtf, fair enough!) ... Maybe I shouldn't have said that, ah well fuck it its friday.

I also did lots of silly things on my child free weekends prior to meeting dh... I got a job in a hotel behind the bar and met loads of people, had a relationship with a 22 year old (I was 30) and generally had a re teenagery time - things you can't do as a full time parent if that makes sense... One night I got in at 6am and went to bed till 4 .....! I also walked with an ipod a lot, shopped too much and generally slobbed out... Bliss.