If I suggest an evening out without DS that's fine, but why..

[CoolBananas]

..am I so sensitive and personally offended if someone else even hints at the suggestion of DS not being welcome?

The context for my most recent upset is a family birthday meal out for DH. FIL asked "will DS be coming too?" and since then I haven't been able to shake off feeling put out by his comment.

DS (nearly 2) is our family now, so I can't see why he wouldn't come out with us to celebrate. Fair enough if FIL was arranging a really posh restaurant where it wasn't appropriate to take DS then we could arrange a babysitter. But for a standard restaurant meal out AIBU to expect DS to be included?

[HecateHarshPants]

"will ds be coming too" seems like a fairly neutral question, indicating no preferred answer.

did he say it in a funny way or something?

[JeezyPeeps]

Are you sure the hint was he wasn't welcone? Could he not have been needing numbers and to know if he should book a high chair?

[Chandon]

yabu

asking "will DS be coming to?" is a completely harmless and normal question.

you are reading things into this that are not there, PFB????

[DaydreamDolly]

Umm, maybe he was just asking, where did you get the insinuation that your son was not welcome? I think YABU and over sensitive I'm afraid

[minimisschief]

he was never not included the guy asked you a question and left it up to you.

you say 'yes i would like him to come'

thats it really

[Shutupanddrive]

Your over-reacting!

[RawShark]

I really don't think you need to worry about this - he was just wanting numbers/giving you the option not to bring DS/ tactfully pull out cos it is too late/food is unsuitable etc

[StripyMagicDragon]

YABU, unless your fil asked sarcastically or something. As for children not always being welcome, it's just the way it can be. Sometimes people will want to discuss something sensitive or go somewhere that isn't child friendly. If people dont invite your ds, it just means that they want to spend time with YOU.
in this case though, it does sound like your fil was just generally asking.

[CoolBananas]

Thank you all. Yes DS is PFB and I already know myself that I'm being completely over sensitive, I just needed a bit of perspective which MN is perfect for providing!

[Greatauntirene]

Hmmmm. I remember having family with small DCs for meals - we may as well as been paid cooks and waiters for the amount of conversation we got out of them. ALL attention was on DCs 'don't play with your food'/ 'broccoli's good for you'/ 'no your not getting more sauce on your meal'/ 'no you can't get down yet'/ 'do you have some plain bread and butter, DC doesn't like x/y or z'/'WELL DONE' / 'look other DC's eatingup all his/her meat' / 'DF can you take him/her to the toilet' / 'no wait til everyone's finished' / 'here I'll cut up your x/y or z' etc and that doesn't include all the mouthed comments between DPs of said sprogs 'make him sit down'/ 'help him/her with his fork'/ 'get him/her some more juice' etc etc You get the picture.

[ErikNorseman]

YABU, it's a reasonable question. Plenty of people would prefer to get a babysitter rather than bring a 2 year old out for the evening. And even if he would prefer adult only time, no big deal.

[lastnerve]

Is the meal at like 6pm or something ? he may be hinting its too close to his bedtime for a meal out.

[CoolBananas]

Thanks for the extra insights. I hold my hands up to not realising that other people might prefer some adult only time.

[EverybodysDoeEyed]

It's not about adult only time though!

If this is a dinner time maybe your fil didn't want to presume your ds was coming because then you would have been on here saying

Aibu to be cross for expecting pfb to be out after his bedtime!

I actually think your fil was showing you some consideration!

[CoolBananas]

Reading my OP back is now a bit embarrassing, but I'm glad I posted as I've got way more perspective on it now. Thanks so much everyone. I'll have those babysitter tel numbers out ready for future dinner invites out

[bragmatic]

I think what he actually meant was.....will your ds be coming, too?

[Trills]

If your FIL would have preferred your DS not to come he would probably have said something a bit less neutral than "will he be coming?"

If he did prefer your DS not to come, you still shouldn't be personally offended. He is two. He is family, yes, but he is also two years old. Some might consider that he is more likely to distract you and be mildly irritating than he is to be a source of amusement and joy. This is not a reflection on you - he could be the world's best-behaved and nicest and loveliest and funniest two year old, but he is still a two year old and some people just prefer to have dinners out without the company of two year olds.

[Chandon]

greatauntirene,....luckily most people are not like that.

I have one friend who is like that, her daughter is 3 (almost 4) and still gets food cut up and is spoonfed, with lots of commentary. Last time I just got my book out and read a whole chapter, until this performance was over...

wonder if friend posted an AIBU on my behaviour

doubt it, as she did not even seem to notice !