AIBU to want my ILs to use my name?

[sc2987]

I want to bring my daughter up calling me by my name, rather than Mummy (please note I am not asking if IABU about this, I am happy with this choice).

I have been very careful to find out and use the names my ex and his family wish to be known by (the two great-grandmothers are Nanny X and Great Granny, grandmother is Nanny, grandfather is Grandpa, father is Daddy).

They all know I want to be known as but insist on calling me Mummy. As I rarely have the opportunity to refer to myself by name, presumably she is going to pick Mummy up in preference.

It would be fine if they were using it as a descriptive label, in the same way as e.g. sister (your sister has a toy for you), but in any case where they would use the sister's name, I would prefer my name to be used.

I haven't been pushy about this, I stated it before she was born, and a couple of times since when relevant (i.e. they were talking about when she might learn to say the word).

I think if my ex would go along with it, they would too, but he is abusive and not likely to agree to anything unless there's something in it for him.

[scarlettsmummy2]

You might be find with not being called mummy, but what about your child. Why do you want them to be different to all their peers?

[MushroomSoup]

I have no idea what advice to give you about this. Why do they use 'mummy' if you don't want to be known as that? What's their reasoning? Do you feel they are doing it because they disagree with your choice or just because they're conforming?

[Noqontrol]

Why don't you just ask your daughter to call you by your name? I doubt it would make much difference what your in laws call you, your daughter will just call you what you want her to call you. Well she'll probably decide for herself tbh. I always called my mum by her real name, other people referred to her as mum or mummy, but it didn't make any difference. Not sure why I call her by her real name though, I assume it was my choice rather than my mums. My dad offered for me to call him by his real name but I just stuck to dad. I don't think his real name rolled off the tongue very easily and shouting daaaaad was obviously easier to me.

[soozeedol]

same Q as scarlett.....it seems your DD might be having to explain this time and time again throughout her life...why would you complicate the simple...I can't see the reasoning....please explain...I'd like to understand

[Noqontrol]

I didn't have to explain it to people, well, only very very occasionally. People didn't really take much notice on the whole.

[EdithWeston]

If you've told them, and they've not fallen into line, then telling them again is unlikely to have much effect. You'll have to model it to them when you can: eg "Go to mummy" is invariably met with "Yes, come to sc".

This will come in handy as it is so engrained that a mother is called one of the standard Mummy variants, especially when children are very small, that you will be making many such corrections over the years.

Do not worry about your DC being confused. You will find yourself referring to yourself in the third person more than you would ever have thought possible. And you will be the bigger influence on your DCs.

[sc2987]

MushroomSoup last time I mentioned it my MIL seemed to just throw it off like I was just wrong and of course I should want her to call me that.

They do think my other parenting choices are a bit weird too, and do their own thing whenever possible with regard to those too (again, have mentioned a couple once or twice but it's been dismissed). There's only really one thing they will follow me on (bringing her up vegan, and even then my ex uses it as a stick to control me with).

Noqontrol I would, but she is only 15 months, so I assumed she would just get used to hearing Mummy and say it automatically when she starts talking. A couple of my friends did start using their parents' names by their own choice but that was much later, like at secondary school.

[SCOTCHandWRY]

My DH has called his parents by both name and Mum and Dad since he learned to talk. It doesn't have to be one or the other

[Doilooklikeatourist]

My son used to call me by my name , it's what everyone else calls me so I suppose he heard that , and just used it as well .
I didn't mind at all , it showed he was aware , as far as I was concerned .
Other people found it strange though , but it's up to you to do as you think is best .
How often will DD see the inlaws anyway and what's it got to do with them ?
Come to think of it DH calls his Dad by his name .

[sc2987]

Well this thread isn't really about the reasoning behind it. One of the reasons is that I think of myself as X, that's always been my name, I don't suddenly feel like 'Mummy' just because I have a child. You wouldn't want someone to randomly start calling you Mary if that's not your name, would you? I am not remotely concerned about the impact on her, no (i.e. I don't think it will be negative, not that I do and just don't care).

[sc2987]

Well at the moment she sees them every week (and her father three times a week). But hopefully we are moving soon and I think my family will be more supportive about it, so maybe it won't be an issue anyway long-term.

Thanks Edith, I will try that.

[Tortington]

how awful for you

[Noqontrol]

My dd went through a phase of calling me by my first name when she was around 2. I think they go through a phase of this to try and be cheeky. I didn't correct dd either way and she just changed back to mummy, but if you actively encouraged her to use your name, then I guess she would do that instead. I've always called my mum by her real name, I don't think she bothered to correct me either way when I was small, and so I settled on her real name instead. But my dd went to nursery and I didn't really, wonder if it makes a difference who you're mixing with at the time.

[littleducks]

I wouldn't worry about it, my kids call me Mumma, everyone says give this to mummy or mum. They dint get confused, kids seem to be quite flexible

[Mrbojangles1]

Sorry but just because you want her to call her buy your name which is strage by usual standards i dont think everyone elese should have to fall into line


My sister dosent want my kids to call her auntie but you bet your life hers will have to call be auntie

[Blueoctopus]

DH has always called his parents by their names and so the DCs call their grandparents by their first names. It bugs me so I always refer to them as Nanny x and Grandad x. It makes no difference the DCs still use their names not titles so although I don't like children calling adults by their first names I don't think you are being unreasonable but in the long run it won't make a difference.
Incidentally DH is Dad to the DCs as he didn't like being the only child in his class that called his parents by their names.

[Portofino]

But you ARE mummy because you had a child. I must admit I worry a little about the motives behind this. At the end of the day, your child will call you want SHE wants to call you. It isn't up to you ime.

[horribleneighbours]

how odd and sad that your little girl cannot call you Mummy, sorry, I find you very strange.

[shinyblackgrape]

Agree -porto.

Mummy would not be your name. It is a title. No one else (unless you have other children) will start calling you mummy so I think your analogy re Mary is a bit out of kilter

[GrahamTribe]

The chances are that your DD will view the GP's attempts in the same way that she would if she knew another parent as Jane while most of her friends called the woman Mrs Smith. I mean that she would just take it that they called her Mrs Smith but that didn't impact on what she called the woman. I'm struggling to explain myself here but another thought is that your DD will just consider the GP's saying Mummy a descriptive term - as in "Take it to Mummy" meaning "Take it to your mother", IYSWIM.

YANBU to be miffed that your ex PILs are undermining your choices, I've been there and it's bloody annoying! I resolved it by correcting/calling my parents on the name situation they had an issue with (what my DD was to be called) every time until they got fed up with trying.

[Noqontrol]

I wondered about getting my Dc to call me by my real name too, probably because that was what I was brought up with. I know what you mean about being called by a different name, it does seem a little strange to start with. But when it actually got to it I found I didn't care that much after all, and have slotted into the name 'mummy' quite well But completely understand why you might not want to. I don't think it really matters a jot either way. It certainly won't have a negative effect on your dd. Do what you want to do, it's your family after all.

[Haberdashery]

DD calls me by my name and mummy completely interchangeably. I quite like both, tbh, and certainly don't think that she is in any way disadvantaged or affected by it but I slightly think it ought to be the child's choice rather than the parent's.

In my maternal family, we also don't use aunt/aunty or uncle and I called my mother's parents by their names rather than any Grandma/Grandpa variants.

No one else (unless you have other children) will start calling you mummy so I think your analogy re Mary is a bit out of kilter

Actually, my MIL calls me, her, my mum, her dead mother and her daughter Mum. I find this confusing, irritating and excruciating in equal parts.

[CurrySpice]

My DDs think it is the height of giggly, hand-over-mouth, wide eyed cheekiness to call me by my name

[Paiviaso]

Part of me thinks they may just be struggling with the unnaturalness of your choice. If I was talking to someone's child, I would say, "Did you to the park with Mummy yesterday?" It would feel really wrong to say to the child, "Did you go to the park with Cynthia?" Even if I knew its what Cynthia wanted, it would still not feel right.

You are breaking social norms, so maybe give everyone a little time to catch up with the idea.

I think it is a bit sad you don't want to be called mummy, to be honest :(

[TheSpokenNerd]

I think you will have to chill out about others calling you Mummy...people are going to call you that ALL the time once DD begins to mingle in society more..."Is that your Mummy over there?" "Ask your Mummy if you're allowed a sweetie from DS packet"

It will be CONSTANT. You should simply do as you do....and ignore others.