To ask the school that this teacher does not teach my dd again

[ChangyChangyChangy]

Hi have namechanged as have rl friends here and they may recognise me from this.

About 3 years ago dp and I seperated and he had a fling with a girl we both know. It all ended and he and I got back together. We have since had a second child. She has since started a relationship with a very good friend of his and had a child. She is on the periphery of our lives all the time, she came to a family memorial thing lately which I found a bit odd, and she is in the same group of friends with my best friend from school. She worked in dd's school for a year which always kind of niggled with me, but left after maternity leave, so hasn't worked there is about a year and a half.

Last September dp went out and left his phone behind and rang me to ask me was his phone at home. When I found it there were messages on it, asked him did he want me to read them out? He said yes and I found messages from her. Very flirty messages, reminiscing about the sex they had, laughing and joking, saying they were great times. I was of course very upset about it, we talked it all out, he apologised. Sorted. Forgotten.

Until dd came home from school today saying this girl had subbed for her teacher and dad and her were talking in the yard after school. DD doesn't know anything about dp and the other girl btw, knows they are friends, assumes I am also friendly with her. She was delighted with the novelty of having someone she knows of teaching her (just gone 7)

Can I ring the school and ask that she doesn't teach her class again? It makes me so uncomfortable, and I find it really innappropriate tbh. I think texting messages like that to the parent of a pupil really unethical as well as upsetting for the other parent (me)
I'm not at all worried about anything starting up with dp and her again, I trust him, I even trust her but something about it all just doesn't sit right with me.

Am totally prepared to be told IABU btw, will accept if I am

[AnyoneForTennis]

No, don't think you can!

[LentillyFart]

I don't think, given the circumstances, that your feelings about this are unreasonable but I very much doubt the school will bend to your wishes. It seems to me your greater problem is your OH who is carrying on cheerfully as if nothing had happened with no regard for your emotions.

[Highlander]

You need this moved to the relationship board. There's a very similar thread there just now.

Basically, do not contact her. Your DH needs to cut all contact with her, and that includes chummy chats in the playground. He cannot rebuild a relationship with you if he's still flirting with her.

[ComposHat]

Err no probably not. Your beef is with.your husband.

[LaurieFairyCake]

No, you can't - neither of them have done anything wrong have they as you were on a break. I wouldn't be happy about it though but I would move if I couldn't put up with it.

Its her job to remain professional at work.

[cocolepew]

Of course they wont stop her.

Your problem is with your husband tbh.

[Bucharest]

Of course you can't ring up the school and ask she doesn't teach your child.

You need to read this bit:

"I'm not at all worried about anything starting up with dp and her again, I trust him, I even trust her but something about it all just doesn't sit right with me."

again,and be honest with yourself.

You clearly do still have massive insecurities about your dp. Which you need to sort with him,not the school where his ex-shag works. You also need to remember she wasn't sending the texts to the father of one of her pupils. She was sending it to the bloke she used to fuck. Which, whatever the rights and wrngs morally, she can do if she wants. If he doesn't like it he needs to tell her. If you don'tlike it, you need to tell him.

[cornysilk]

she sure has some nerve if she's willing to teach a class containing your dd after having an affair with your dp. Does dd know about the affair?

[Pinkflipflop]

That's dreadful. Are you sure that there is definitely still nothing going on? Why would she be texting those messages if the affair was over? I wouldn't like her teaching my child but I can see both sides tbh. The teacher has to make a living so it seems unfair to do her out of work.

Your dh needs to have very strong words with her (and you with him). Why is he having chats in the playground with someone he had an affair with? It's weird.

I don't really know if YABU.

[Callisto]

I would be very unhappy with this scenario but short of removing your DD and finding another school (which I would probably do, though we do have lots of very good primary schools around here) I don't think you can do much about it.

[ComposHat]

Was it an 'affair' though? If I'm reading this correctly, the op and her husband split up. He then had a brief relationship with this woman and after this relationship broke up, he and his wife decided to give their marriage another go?

Is that right op?

[bleedingheart]

You say there were messages? So had he been responding in a similar vein? That would kill me.
I don't think you can prevent this but I understand why you feel this way.

[perfumedlife]

Flirty texts about the sex they had are not harmless. YABU to trust your dh in my opinion.

[PedanticPanda]

Yanbu to want to ask them, I can see why you'd feel this way and you're a hell of a lot more restrained than I would be in your situation, but I don't think the school would intervene sorry.

I think you need to tell your husband how hurt you are by his cost playground chats and ask him to stop talking to her and focus on your marriage.

[Pinkflipflop]

Yes, reading op again I see they were separated. However he is still a twat for his cosy chats in the playground with ex lover.

[Paiviaso]

I think YANBU to be annoyed/uncomfortable that this woman pops up all over the place.

But YABU to think that the school should get involved in your relationship matters.

[PropositionJoe]

No, you can't ask that of the school. But I quite understand why you would want to!

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

YABVU. If you choose to send you child to a particular school, then you accept that they will use their staff in whatever way they want to cover classes.

You have no right to make things harder for the school just because you feel a bit uncomfortable about your dd being taught by a perfectly capable member of staff. Just because you don't like what she does in her personal life. You cannot judge her professionally unless it is based entirely on her teaching, which you are clearly not doing.

If you want to make sure your dd isn't taught by this woman at school, then you need to find your dd a new school. You cannot dictate to them how thy deploy their staff and expect to be taken seriously.

[ChangyChangyChangy]

Ok, thanks. I will do nothing about the school so, but will definitely be telling dp again later how uncomfortable it makes me that they talks still. You're all right, it is totally inconsiderate of my feelings.

It is a Catholic school so it definitely goes against their ethos.
I think I was just working my way through my feelings about this, wondering could I just remove her from the equation.

I am certain there is nothing going on with them, certain.
It niggles at me that she can have his information on my dd, you know, like she's not great at reading or spelling and it's a private thing I'd rather not have his ex fuck buddys know.

IABU. Shite :o

[takingiteasy]

You really think the school give a fuck that your husband can't keep it in his pants!?

[Bucharest]

Glad you've taken the YABU on the chin,OP,but I would definitely also be questioning long and hard just how "over"this fling is.

[Dprince]

But she is not just his ex fuck buddy. She is a teacher. end of.
The texts are inappropriate. But it wasn't an affair, was it?
I also don't think you can ban him from speaking to an ex.

[ChangyChangyChangy]

No, not an affair, a fling. Just sex. Then after we had reconciled I found the messages.
I didn't send dd to the school btw knowing that she was a teacher there, she joined when dd started and left after only one year, is now back it seems as a sub. I don't want them to get involved involved in my relationship, just use another sub in her class room if the need arose but I won't approach.

[Limejelly]

I honestly think the school would take a very dim view of this and would definitely talk to them about it.

[JumpingThroughHoops]

About 3 years ago dp and I seperated and he had a fling with a girl we both know


Unless I'm reading the Op incorrectly, she and her DH were apart and he had a legitimate relationship with someone else, it wasn't an affair on his part. After he and the girl parted, the DH and the OP reconciled?

I'm afraid that puts her in the category of ex-girlfriends.

She's moved on and in a relationship, with a child, to a new partner.

If the DH was untrustworthy and there was anything 'going on' on his part, he wouldnt let his mobile out of his sight. Neither would he trust the OP to read messages. Gossiping in the playground in full view and earshot isn't tantamount to resuming a relationship.

Especially in small communities, if you never spoke to an ex you probably wouldnt be speaking to anyone.

No you shouldnt ask the school to move her. She isn't a threat or danger to your child, nor your marriage. The school quite probably would view such a request dimly as staff are entitled to a private life.