To be annoyed with my husband's lack of enthusiasm for trying for a baby

[Marymaryalittlecontrary]

I am desperate for a baby. I feel like all my life has been leading up to me being a mother and I really see motherhood as my calling in life. I love babies and children, but at the same time am starting to find it quite difficult to be around people with children as I am so incredibly jealous (not that I'd ever let on to anyone that I felt like that, and am suitably enthusiastic when family and friends announce pregnancies).

Anyway, my husband and I have been married for 4 years now, and although we were very hard-up to begin with, about a year ago he agreed it was a good time to start trying for a baby. Nothing's happened so far, and then he went away to work for 7 months, and though we tried to time his visits home for when I might be fertile it didn't always work that way.

So when he came home for good a couple of months ago we both agreed that now was a really good time to properly try for me to conceive. Last month was okay, we 'tried' quite a few times but I didn't get pregnant. Fair enough, I know these things take time. But this month I'm getting to the end of my likely fertile time and we haven't tried once. Tonight I told him I was having a bath and would see him in bed, then exfoliated, shaved my legs etc, got into bed and he just ignored the fact that I obviously wanted sex. I kissed him etc and when it was clear we weren't going to do anything I sort of lay back (in a pretty obvious huff!) and then he chatted about something inconsequential, turned over and went to sleep.

I am so pissed off. He's working a 12 hour shift the next 2 days so he'll be too tired, and I think after that it would be unlikely to result in pregnancy this month. I didn't push it last night but really thought we would tonight and we haven't. He says he wants a baby but makes no effort to try and make one!

People keep asking when we're going to have kids and I'm just getting so disappointed that I'm not pregnant yet when it seems like I see pregnant people wherever I go. All I want to do is be a mum and I'm just so disappointed he won't make a bit more effort. Plus, surely having sex with me isn't too much of a chore?!!

[yellowraincoat]

It sounds a bit like you view him as a baby-making machine.

That wouldn't really encourage me to want to shag you.

Does he actually want kids?

[BestestBrownies]

It sounds as though you're having 'baby-sex'. IME, (from the other side), there is nothing more off-putting. It's like throwing cold water all over your sex life. Expect him to get less and less interested with all the pressure you're unneccesarily putting on this issue.

[scottishmummy]

ease up on the obvious procreation pressure
you both need to feel relaxed,happy. - make love for pleasure not function
your pissed offness will be apparent, and maybe off putting
really try reconnect, fun, support how's it going as couple.rather than it's your fertile time,oats off

[scottishmummy]

whilst your at it
have you discussed back to work, finances, expectations,etc
these are pivotal discussions in a relationship
you're wannabe mutha is my calling. well,maybe it's off-putting

[Marymaryalittlecontrary]

I don't view him as a baby making machine, I view him as my husband with whom I want to raise a family. As I'm 30 and have been with him for 6 years altogether I don't think it's unreasonable that I want us to have a baby.

There is nothing I would love more in the world than to just have sex often rather than because we're trying to conceive. Unfortunately he's not really into sex full stop. He used to say it was because he was worried I would get pregnant when we couldn't afford a baby at the time. Basically though he just doesn't have a very high sex drive. We once went a year without having sex at all (so I definitely don't force him into it !). I suggested he go to the doctor in case he has low testosterone or something, but he won't. So I'm forced to just wait around for him to want sex, all the time getting sadder and sadder that I don't have children! (which I keep to myself pretty much. He knows I obviously want kids, but I don't tell him how upset I am that we haven't had a baby or got pregnant yet.)

[scottishmummy]

so treat him nice stop banging in about getting pg
such a single minded drive, it does reduce him to the enabler.sperm
then you get huff when you're not pg.

have you discussed working,nursery,parental expectations

no woman is born just to have kids
it's a likliehood if fortunate. but not health to become preoccupied by

[minimisschief]

i never understand people that try for a baby with dedicated times and what not. surely couples enjoy having sex and you carry on as usual minus the contraception. or did we just do it wrong?

[RubyFakeNails]

I understand this something you really want, but if you re-read the first paragraph of your OP it's just I,I and more I want a bay, you haven't said anything about how he feels about having children other than he agreed you should start trying.

Is it possible he's not that fussed or just doing it to make you happy? As it seems so fundamental to you existence, does he have concerns about you becoming a mother, e.g will he get left behind, is he just a baby maker to you etc

Also if I'd been away from my partner for 7 months, I think I might feel a bit hurt that you just want to have baby sex on my return and not just sex due to missing me.

Once again I understand it's really important to you but you know it's just one month, surely making yourself so tense about the. Whole thing can't be good for you or your relationship ( which you need to fulfill your dream) . I'd try and relax, I've always got up the duffers when I've least expected to and when it's been least convenient so just go with it.

[RubyFakeNails]

Sorry my spelling and grammar is so bad in that most, me think I overdid the champers at the street party

[Marymaryalittlecontrary]

Hmmm, just wrote a l

[Marymaryalittlecontrary]

Whoops!
Was trying to say, just wrote a long post then my Internet connection went funny and it wouldn't send!

Anyway, what I may write in a long rant on here is not how I act in day to day life! I don't mope about because I don't have a baby yet! I have a job and hobbies, and my husband and I have a very good relationship. I love him dearly, but don't think it's unreasonable that I should want to have his baby!

But, I don't weep and wail every month when I'm not pregnant. I just feel quite disappointed privately, but get on with things. I do realise that my post is quite me, me, me but I promise that in real life I am not a selfish person! :)

I wish we could just have sex and let nature take its course, but if I don't tell him the dates when I'm likely to be fertile we don't have sex basically because he never wants it. I didn't tell him this month and lo and behold - no sex. That's another reason I'm really keen to try for a baby, because it means I get to have sex with my husband. I really wish he would go to the doctor but he won't, so I have to accept it.

[scottishmummy]

does he actually want a baby
do you want a baby
or baby with dh specifically

[RubyFakeNails]

I still think you need to find out his feelings towards having a baby. You've said you don't share with him the extent of your feelings, he could have feelings you aren't aware of but I think if you share how you feel with him and find out he feels it will do you both good.

^ rambling much? Hope it makes sense.

If you are starting to find it difficult to be around people with children then I would say you have reached quite an extreme.

I do think something needs to change within your relationship as it really doesn't sound like its just you hubby's lack of sex drive that is slowing things down.

Maybe he is still scared you will get pregnant, but doesn't want to admit it. I think you need to find out where things stand.

[humblebumble]

You poor thing.
A sexless marriage is awful if one person wants it and the other won't discuss or do anything about it.
Do you really want to be in a relationship like this for the long term? If you have a child you will still want the closeness and intimacy that sex brings.
The pressure of sex anytime won't be great for him if he isn't that into it and if he realizes it is because you are timing it to get pregnant it will build resentment.
I speak from personal experience.

[JosephineCD]

He clearly doesn't want a baby. You need to choose between him and wanting a baby. Because having a baby with a man who doesn't want one never turns out well.

[Marymaryalittlecontrary]

He does want a baby though, or at least says he does. But I will talk to him again and make sure.

[badgeroncaffeine]

I'm male and get the feeling from this that he either doesn't want a baby, or doesn't want one with you at any rate.

[Ladybee]

mary, I completely understand how frustrating this is for you - my DH also has a lower sex drive than me, and we unfortunately had to TTC for a long time due to recurrent miscarriages. I think there are a couple of things you could try here but it's basically about talking honestly but without too much 'pressure' on him. Try to keep it a bit humorous and light if at all possible. The points you should try to address:

1. Does he realise that there is quite a limited 'window' of opportunity and that it's not that easy to predict so sperm needs to be there ready and waiting? If he doesn't understand that he needs to. Then you need to point out the implication of it - sex every 2-3 days after your period stops until you feel absolutely sure you've ovulated.
   

1. ask him whether he will agree to this
   

1. ask him how he wants to 'find out' that it's time to get started. As low-key a 'heads up' as possible.
   

It would be nice if every couple could just throw away the contraception and continue with their (already) perfect, regular sexual relationship but as this is the real world and not the imaginary one of magazine-perfect relationships you need to stop pretending and talk about it. Be kind to each other - if you're successful you need that relationship to be solid and if it ends up being more difficult for you even more so :-)

Good luck

Oh YANBU to be upset. But YABU if you only be in a huff, and don't do anything more to resolve it.

[MummysLittleSunbeams]

Ignore the people saying he doesn't want a baby, I'm sure he does but sometimes men can be a bit dense to the fact that we only get TWELVE opportunity each YEAR to fall pregnant!

I've been in exactly the same situation as you. Dh with little enthusiasm for sex, although he did want to start a family. It's so bloody frustrating & some months I'd want to shake him & tell him that if he didn't make a move in the next 24 hours then that was another egg down the pan!

Have you thought about herbal Viagra substitutes if he won't go to the doctor? I had to resort to temp charting, opk's, using pre-seed, drinking gfj & all of this trying to do without him knowing so that he thought the whole ttc thing was as 'natural' as possible in case it put him of totally! Ttc is supposed to be fun & the most natural thing in the world but for me it was more like a bloody stealth military operation!

[maddening]

does he let you know what turns him on? I think you need to work at that any time of the month not just ov time - think the idea of herbal viagra is good - at least get him back on his sexual bike

[maddening]

and haha at stealth military action

[AThingInYourLife]

"It sounds a bit like you view him as a baby-making machine."

This is one of the ugliest, most sexist arguments that gets trotted out in this kind of circumstance.

Women are supposed to be perpetually available for sex, but if they actually want it themselves and make any demands, they are unreasonable harridans.

If you want to have a baby, you need to have lots of sex.

The idea that it's not fair on a poor man to have to have sex with his wife for procreative purposes, but that she must figure out a way to seduce him every night and pretend it is all just about how sexy he is and how she can't resist his giant golden cock, is a load of woman-hating bollocks.

Having regular sex with your husband because you both want to have a baby is not treating him like a baby machine, or else having sex with your wife just because you fancy a fuck is treating her like a fuckee doll.

You are never going to get pregnant at this rate. Tell him that and see how he responds.

Do you really want to spend your life with a man who doesn't like sex and needs to be cajoled into it?

[NapaCab]

When you're so used to trying to avoid having a baby, it can be hard to adjust suddenly to deliberately trying to get pregnant. When we first ditched the contraception, it took us a few months to really get our heads around this 'fertile time' concept and the fact that you really only have a few days in the month to get pregnant.

You're warned off being careless so much when you first start having sex and you are made so paranoid that even one little slip can mean a baby. It's a shock when you realize that baby-making is not as easy as you think and a couple of 'off-days' at the wrong time can mean having to wait a whole month again until you have another chance.

Maybe that's the problem that your husband is having, just adjusting to having to be proactive about your sex life? To go from not having sex for a year to having sex intensively for a week or two every month is a lot of adjustment.

It sounds like something you need to discuss together but try to make the adjustment fun and enticing rather than rigidly scheduling sex and getting uptight if it doesn't happen when it 'should'. I was like this initially about TTC and it just made everything so stressful. I got pregnant eventually after a year but then had an MMC. After that I just gave up planning and obsessing over my dates and 'fertile window' etc and 4 months later got pregnant with DS

[NurseBernard]

"i never understand people that try for a baby with dedicated times and what not. surely couples enjoy having sex and you carry on as usual minus the contraception. or did we just do it wrong?"

You're either deeply disingenuous, or have absolutely no imagination whatsoever...

Clearly you didn't do it wrong.

But likewise it's not quite that easy and straight forward for everyone...

[ErikNorseman]

YANBU because it's about more than just trying for a baby. A sexless relationship must be awful and it must be awful for so many reasons that he doesn't want to have sex with you. The baby making is another element to that. I feel for you.