For 'never' answering my mobile phone?

[AdmiralBenson]

My friend doesn't like to send text messages, so instead of texting, she'll call me. She is superglued to her phone. I am not, and she has mentioned a couple of times how 'impossible' it is to get hold of me.

On Saturday I had organised a get-together in town for about 30 people. It was the first time I'd been OUT out since before my pregnancy. It was at a pub on a well-known London street and I had included a link to Google maps, an address etc.

The party was in full swing by the time she arrived, looking annoyed. She had been trying to call me for directions for about an hour. I had been having a fantastic time catching up with my old friends and my phone was in my bag, hooked over a chair. We do have mutual friends who were also there so eventually she called one of them.

Later she told me I was really thoughtless for not answering, and brought up my sorry history of never answering my phone and said I was 'hopeless'.

I told her that see my phone as a necessary evil (used mostly for work) but I'm not an automaton who is programmed to jump every time the thing rings. If I don't answer it's because I'm busy, I have my hands full (baby/washing/showering/cooking/whatever), I am with someone else and don't want to be rude or I just don't want to answer it (this is rare, I don't get THAT many calls!). However, I do check it regularly so there is no reason why she can't leave a message and I can call her back later. She did not accept any of these reasons and implied that I was treating our friendship very casually by effectively ignoring her.

I called her up yesterday to try and smooth things over but she wouldn't answer (the irony!). She is a lovely person, really reasonable and a great friend, this is the only thing we have ever really disagreed on. Which makes me wonder ... am I being unreasonable, should I make more of an effort?

Sorry this pointless problem has taken up so much of your time to read...

[theincredibequeenofwands]

Someone never answering their phone is kind of annoying.

If you're calling/texting back as soon as you can then I don't see the problem though.

It up to her. Maybe if she needs friends who sit and stare at their phone all day instead of getting on with life them she should find some.

Wait until she calls back. If she doesn't send a text or email saying you're sorry that's how she feels but that's the way you are.

Then move on.

[TroublesomeEx]

I don't really answer my phone. I'm certainly not permanently attached to it. I quite often misplace it or leave it in the car and haven't got a clue if anyone's tried contacting me.

But then, my friends know that I don't really answer it and so they use the landline and email to get in touch.

Why spend an hour calling a mobile you know isn't going to get answered!

[sleeplessinsuburbia]

I never answer my phone. I text and read texts, I make that very clear!

[Pandemoniaa]

If you never answer your phone then yes, I can see how annoying that can be. I have a friend who does similar and with her, it seems to be a matter of principle rather than of inconvenience.

However, in the circumstances you describe, I can't see why anyone should assume that you'd be answering your phone or necessarily checking it and if you've already sent out clear directions (and haven't diverted from them) then your friend was being a bit clueless and certainly more than a little U.

[sausagesandmarmelade]

I called her up yesterday to try and smooth things over but she wouldn't answer (the irony!).

What do you expect?

I had a close friend (for 15 years) who was terrible with the phone....if I texted her (on very rare occasions to see how she was) she'd take days to respond, if I called her home (on very rare occasions) she sometimes wouldn't bother to pick up...even though she had heard it ring...if I emailed...she wouldn't respond....in the end I got fed up of it and decided that she couldn't value our friendship very much if she couldn't be bothered to take a few minutes to respond to my texts/emails/calls.

Needless to say....I let her go. We are friends no more....which is very sad!

[HeathRobinson]

I think SIBU for trying to call you for directions for an hour, after you'd already sent details.

She could have used her phone's sat-nav, asked someone, popped into a newsagent for a freaking map! Etc.

Always wanting you available on the phone - controlling, much?

[AdmiralBenson]

I'm definitely not as bad as your friend, sausages, I will always reply (one way or another), just not instantly. I do value her friendship, very much.

I definitely don't think our friendship will end over this, we've been friends for years. I will take her round some cake or something to smooth the troubled waters. But I would find it very difficult to change my habits and glue myself to my phone.

[Fireandashes]

YANBU not to be glued to your phone every second of the livelong day, but YABabitU to sound superior because you use your phone less than your friend. If it's a work-only phone, don't give the number out to your friends. If you do give the number to your friends, don't be surprised if they try to contact you on it.

TBH if I'd invited a friend to a party, she'd accepted but hadn't turned up after an hour I'D be ringing HER to make sure everything was okay.

[AdmiralBenson]

Heath - she's not controlling but she absolutely hates thinking she might be missing out on something. We have a very large group of friends and she is always a bit upset to find out that some of the others have done something without her.

[dissle]

Well im like you op. I look at my phone maybe once or twice a day. Never phone from it, occasionally text from it.
Its a pay as you go, no internet or fancy bits, and i also see it as a necissary evil.

I do however have a friend who never answers her texts until days later some times. I find this rude and very annoying tbh. Just because its usually when trying to make arrangements for stuff.

I would take on board her annoyance, because it IS deeply frustrating when the reason for the contact is important, but wouldnt feel too bad about it really.

[AdmiralBenson]

Fire - my phone is necessary for work but I use it for social reasons. Didn't mean to come across as 'superior'!

The party wasn't a 'be here on the dot of six' do, it was a 'I'll be here from 5pm, come whenever you can' affair. So I didn't know when she was going to turn up.

[sausagesandmarmelade]

Haha....cake works wonders! Hope you can sort this out...

My friend seemed to change when I got into a serious relationship....and after I married. I tried to convince her that our friendship wouldn't change and that I'd still go on holidays with her and that she was welcome to our place anytime etc....but she seemed to change!

I'll never know the ins and outs...and have put my hurt feelings to bed....nothing more I could have done.

[NannyPlumIsMyMum]

I don't like people calling my phone.
I use it for texting .
Apart from family I'm too tired to want to talk on the phone and prefer to text .

YANBU .

[sugarice]

I only pick up the call off a mobile if it's one of the kids /dh / school and then it's only a quick chat to establish what's up.There's nothing more irritating than hearing a conversation in 1.supermarket queue 2. doctors/dentist surgery or 3.on the bus. By the way yanbu.

[thestringcheesemassacre]

I find this whole I don't answer my phone thing quite sad. It's one thing not to answer to cold callers, but if I see my mates/familys etc number come up I will always answer.

But YWNBU, you gave her the address, the google map etc. She should of been able to find her way there.

[Hebiegebies]

Normally I'd say YABslightlyU not to answer your phone

However in this example UANBU.

You had given out info, your other friends had managed to find you!

You can't hear a phone in a pub

She found you in the end

I do find it frustrating if friends don't answer their phone within the hour (call or text) if I am looking after their kids unless I know they are at work and can't answer

[littleducks]

My friend says this to me. She is a Sahm with teenagers and a pre teen. I travel into central London daily, have a preschooler and a 6 yr old. She doesn't get that we just operate differently, I am either too busy or too tired!

The remarks irritate me now, especially now she has started calling dh. The other day I didn't answer as I was driving so she ring dh. I explained I had been driving to the station to pick him up as the trains were cancelled and she apologised but said she ring him to pass phone to me as she thought I was putting the kids to bed

[ivykaty44]

it is fine for you not to answer your phone - but don't expect anyone to answer the phone when you phone them - as it is really rather foolish of you to be phoning anyone anyway....

So if you have an emergency and need to call - well don't

[BigBoobiedBertha]

YANBU - she sounds needy to me. Why should you spend your life glued to your phone on the off chance that she can't read directions and needs you to go through it all again.?

And why aren't you allowed to use your phone as you see fit? She doesn't like to send text messages and yet that is fine but you aren't allowed to prefer texting to speaking? You both have a preference about how you use your phone but she has taken offence about your choice. She knows you don't answer too why spend so long trying to get a reply.

I find people who interrupt conversation because of their phone ringing very rude - why is the person on the end of the phone more important than the person you are already talking to. I know you say she is a good friend but she sounds like hard work

[ToryLovell]

YANBU I will only answer the phone if it is convenient / polite to do so.

I cannot bear people who are forever checking their phones mid conversation/ chatting at the till / waiting in a queue etc it is rude.

[AdmiralBenson]

ivykaty - I don't expect anyone to answer the phone when I call them! That would be rather hypocritical of me!

Thanks for your replies. I will try and be more vigilant in the future but I can only do so much until the day phones can be implanted in our brains and there is no escaping any phone call, even on the toilet.

[AdmiralBenson]

BigBoobiedBertha (love the name) - that is what I was annoyed about. Fine, she doesn't like texting. But it's not always convenient for me to speak. Work with me here!

[Pandemoniaa]

We have a very large group of friends and she is always a bit upset to find out that some of the others have done something without her.

I can sympathise with this. Another friend of mine who I used to be in a performing group with is almost obsessed by the idea that people might be doing something without her and doing so deliberately. She also refuses to take any notice of directions and instead, relies on a barrage of phone calls on the day itself.

Last summer we were at a huge public event about which very clear instructions on where to meet and what we'd be doing had been sent. As usual, she took no notice, arrived late and then phoned 10 people up to 5 or 6 times. As we were surrounded by about 3,000 people doing noisy stuff, none of us heard our phones. So eventually, when we caught up with her she had a massive strop about "you were all hiding somewhere and not deliberately talking to me so I might as well fuck off home now". Er, no. We were where everyone else had managed to collect up!

Sometimes you have to accept that you can't win and as far as the paranoid are concerned, you'll never win! No matter how organised you thought you were.

[NotSureICanCarryOn]

I am wondering how the world manage before mobile phones....

There is this expectation now that if you have a mobile phone then you should answer automatically. That you should be contactable at all times....

So you are putting the dcs to bed and not answering your phone so it's OK to ring your DH so that he can give you the phone, even though you are busy with putting the dcs in bed... This is what call imposing yourself regardless of what the person you are ringing is doing. What a nice way to say 'I am more important than you'....

[DamselInDisgrace]

I rarely answer my phone. I don't see that I should be obliged to. I really resent being expected to be available all the time.

I certainly wouldn't expect the host of a party to be glued to her phone, just in case I call to say I'm lost.