I know IABU about DH & the gym... but I need to vent!

[TheEpilator]

Whenever DH wants to go out for a run or to the gym I get really annoyed.

His timing is usually really inconvenient e.g he sees me starting to get dinner out to prepare and says "have I got time for a run before dinner's ready?" (not "can I help you get dinner ready/lay the table/help with DCs homework? etc) I know he has to take the free time when he gets it, but I still feel really narked by it.

I know I should be glad that he's getting himself fit, but I'm just jealous and resentful that its all he seems to think about. I started running before him, but got an injury which left me unable to go for a few weeks, so then he started and is getting totally into it, logging his runs, wittering on about energy shakes and gels etc.

I just find myself feeling unreasonably angry whenever he wants to go and feeling really pissed off that he's losing weight and basically 'stole' my hobby! I know its stupid and I should just get back to it, but he's so far ahead of me that if we run together he uses my run as a warm-up then goes out afterwards for 'a proper run', so I think why bother?

Yesterday he mentioned that if we went away to Rome (never gonna happen) for a long weekend, he'd probably get lost running round the city. Even during his fantasy 'romantic' weekend he's off on his own bloody running

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

YANBU... sounds like (and a lot of blokes do this) he's taken a hobby and turned it into an obsession. BTW the correct answer to 'do I have time... etc.' is 'No you don't'. :)

[bibbitybobbitybunny]

"Actually, no, you can see I'm busy and someone needs to sit with the dc while they do their homework."

[Olympia2012]

Are you back running soon? I can understand your frustration!

[bigjoeent]

understand completely, its also my OH answer to everything, feeling a bit down, go for a run, have a cold, go for a run. He goes on and on and on about it, about getting variety into his runs, running backwards to use other muscles and interval training for make it harder. Yawn.

[defineme]

Dh and I have set times/days for our exercise. Eg he has Tues and Fri at the gym whilst 2 of kids are doing activities in same leisure centre. I go out on my bike Mon and Thurs after tea while he puts kids to bed/homework and so on. Weekends are more fluid so we'll negotiate an equal arrangement around whatevers on.
Can't see why you can't arrange this stuff in advance and state that the hours between 4-6pm are never a good time(if that's the case?).
Can you swim or something? I would run on your own and block out his obsessive wittering!

[TheEpilator]

Ah thank you all. You have made me well up! I fully expected to be told to stop being selfish and snap out of it.

I do try to say when its not convenient but then I feel like I'm being mean and not giving him time to himself. He says "so basically any time after 4pm is inconvenient then" - well yes! Until the DCs are in bed. Its the busiest time of the day and many dads would be glad to be home in time to spend some of it with their DCs, but H would rather be out on his own.

Last night he went out running 4-5pm then later told DS he didn't have time to read to him in bed as he had stuff to do Just seems like his priorities are all wrong to me.

Agree that I must get back into it as I feel much happier when I'm able to run, so I see why he wants to do it. Trouble is he's so competitive that if I start building up to 5k and 10k, he'll see that as a challenge for him to do a marathon and it will get even more obsessive!

[TiddlesTheNaughtyTortoise]

YANBU. I know exactly how you feel OP.

Dd2 is 6 mo and as she'sBF dp basically just leaves her to me, including all night wakings.
So when he goes out running for 1 1/2 hours I feel really pissed off that he gets to do something that seems so self indulgent when the only time I have had to myself in the last six months is when I'm in the sodding shower. Bastard.

Ooh I feel much better now I've vented!

[Mrsmuppethead]

Trip him up

[Mrsmuppethead]

Or tie his shoelaces together...

[TheEpilator]

Well I suppose that's why I feel torn Tiddles. You have a valid reason to be pissed off as you are so busy with DD all day and night, whereas I'm a SAHM to 3 school age DCs and although I spend my days tidying/cleaning/hoovering/cooking/PT working/ MNing I know I am in the enviable position of being able to spend an hour or two on myself without it impacting on anyone else.

Its just his shit timing and annoying 'train-spottery' obsessiveness that gets me down.

Defineme set times are awkward as he works shifts, so he can be home by 3pm some days and 10pm others and only gets 1 weekend off every 2 months, so doing anything regularly is difficult. I tend to arrange my week around when he'll be home i.e. what meals to have when he is home for dinner, when to see friends so I am free on his days off etc, but then when he doesn't give me the same consideration I feel totally invisible.

[TheEpilator]

Mrsmuppet

[CeliaFate]

I can see both sides. He works and sees coming home as his time to relax. You work in the home so you're seen as having all the time in the world for your hobbies.
I think you need to compromise and talk to each other about working out a rota for having time for hobbies/relaxing separately, together and with the children. Instead of a run every day could you all go out on your bikes, or for a walk once a week?
Dh is sometimes like this, but it's usually when he's super stressed at work and his head's about to explode. To be fair, when I'm at home I do have more relaxation time and he rarely gets the house to himself, which would drive me nuts if the situation was reversed.
Spend time during the day getting fit, then suggest a run in a few weeks and sprint past him .

[ReindeerBollocks]

DH does the inconvenient thing of 'can I go to the shops/shower/play with stereo' when I'm knee deep in house duties. Really pisses me off.

YANBU on that score alone.

Plus if you are at home with the DCs I'd say you should probably go for a run first and let him make dinner. Then once dinner is done he can go for his run, whilst you put the children to bed or do dishes.

It should be fair and equal, and it doesn't sound like you both have the balance quite right yet.

[HeathRobinson]

Erm, so you could go for a run now and don't?
I really don't understand that.

Why not suggest to dh that he goes to the gym on the way home from work, on the days he could be home at 3 pm. He'll be done that much earlier in the evening, then.

[HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer]

YANBU at all. Basically he's saying that all the household duties/teatime/bedtime are your responsibility and he can feck off and do as he pleases.

I would start planning some things for you to do a couple of afternoons per week and leave him looking after the DCs

[HeathRobinson]

Well, as you've got 6 hours while your kids are at school, YABU if you don't go for a run then or do something else for yourself.

[HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer]

Also OP, I sympathise on the OH 'Stealing your hobby'.

A couple of years ago I lost quite a bit of weight on WW, and was really pleased with myself and felt I looked good. DH then decided to 'go on a diet' and because he was a lot bigger to start with his weight loss was more noticeable and before I knew it people were all congratulating him on his weightloss and ignoring mine, and he didn't say anything like 'yes, hex has lost 2 stone too', he just lapped it up and kept talking about his dieting and weight loss all the time, then he started trying to advise me on healthy eating and weight loss.

What's funny though is he has put all his weight back on and more, and I haven't!

[Crocodilio]

Why can't you run while the children are at school?

He can run when they're in bed, or get up early to run before work.

Sorted!

[TheEpilator]

Heath I have suggested that he goes on the way home from work as then we could all just pretend he was still at work and it wouldn't feel so much like he's trying to escape! He says he needs to wind down first by coming home, dumping his stuff, checking his emails etc. then going out when he's in 'relaxation mode'.

I could go running now, but I'm checking this post in between doing the accounts for my business, tidying the house (its Tidy Friday!) and washing up from last night's dinner (yes, my job is to clear up after it, as well as prepare and cook it - I'm a SAHM after all!)

I'm also planning to work on my website and make some stuff to sell on it later today, so while I could run, I do have other things I need to do. What I definitely won't do is to spend the day doing all that, then decide at 5pm that I'm going out and leaving DH to make dinner.

In fact, why am I not doing that?!!

[TheEpilator]

Hex good for you! Maybe that's part of the reason I'm so pissed off. Everyone keeps congratulating him on how much weight he's lost (its prob about a stone, but is obviously very noticable)

They were all saying the same thing to me in the beginning, but now its all "ooh tell your DH congrats on how much fitter he's getting - he's done really well!" and I get "ah, still limping eh, you should give it up, its not doing you any good"! Very disheartening.

One of the reasons I'm reluctant to get back into it is I get a lot of pain and although it was better while I was running, it can trigger it too, and I don't get any help or sympathy from DH at home. In fact last time I was in real agony with it, he spent his evenings showing me £700 treadmills on ebay and couldn't understand why I wasn't being more enthusiastic .

[HeathRobinson]

I am in your position and find that it's best if I take time for myself while the kids are at school. Obviously, you need to do some things while they're out, but I find I'm more relaxed and ready to be with the kids when they're back, if I've done something just for me.

And seriously, why not take an hour out for a run? Don't you deserve it?
Said in the nicest way possible, I'm not trying to be mean.

[HeathRobinson]

Ah, x-post, more info.
Sorry to hear you're in a lot of pain.

If you do want to exercise, what about swimming?

[CeliaFate]

This is not about running, but a selfish dh. Talk to him and let him know how you feel, without making it sound like you resent him for having a hobby.