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AIBU?

to be so insecure about EVERYTHING

38 replies

46andacompletemess · 15/05/2012 09:26

Have name changed as I feel a complete idiot. There's noone I can talk to in real life, noone who has any clue about how I feel. This probably is a pity party, so sorry.

I just feel paralysed by insecurity at the moment but it's only really in the last day or two I've realised that the problems are mine and mine alone. In the past I've blamed a million other things for how I am.

This morning I sat down and made a list for the first time of all the things that have probably impacted on how I feel. I can safely say though, that no one would ever suspect this is going on in my head.

Moved house and schools before age 13 x 8 times
Raped by stranger at 11 - to this day only a few people know and I never told my parents
Didn't have many friends
Was bullied a bit at school
Dh hit me the first Christmas we were together
Had an abortion
Had an affair and got caught
Paying off 90k debt (1 year to go)

Secrets, so many bloody secrets. I'd love to be free from it all. But I feel like I'm stuck, can't come clean to anyone because a) there's noone really to trust and b) have high powered job where all that shit up there WOULD have an impact.

I tried counselling once, went to a house where a woman in an orange skirt just said (when I told her about the rape) oh, poor you. I don't know what to say. I never went back.

Deep breath, press create.

OP posts:

Report

CailinDana · 15/05/2012 09:29

You've just taken a really positive step. I know it probably doesn't feel that way, but you have. Deciding that you can't hold your secrets in any more and that you're just going to let it out is a massive step forward.

I'm so sorry to read that you had such a tough childhood and that you were raped. That is a huge thing to deal with on its own.

How are you feeling now that you've written it down?

mockingjay · 15/05/2012 09:30

Hello 46. Well done for realising and getting it written down.

I suspect that a lot of people, especially those with high powered jobs, feel this to an extent. That is not to belittle your experiences at all, it sounds like you could do with some help with some of them. But just a reassurance that a lot of people who look like they know what they're doing are bumbling along hoping for the best as well. I know I am!!

What do you feel would be a good way forward for you?

46andacompletemess · 15/05/2012 09:32

embarassed in case anyone sees it. It's only really just dawned on me that people might feel sorry for me and that makes me feel shit. I'm a proud person but think I may actually be making myself ill. I have so much in my head that I don't actually know who I am at the moment.

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CailinDana · 15/05/2012 09:34

Can you identify why you feel embarrassed and why you don't want people to feel sorry for you?

46andacompletemess · 15/05/2012 09:38

Good way forward would be to get into my car and leave all this behind. I can absolutely see why people would do that.

I guess I'm embarassed as everything that I wrote above is tinged with shame and I just couldnt bear to be the one people gossiped about.

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CailinDana · 15/05/2012 09:39

Leave all what behind? Your particular life, or life altogether?

Nyac · 15/05/2012 09:40

Have you really paid of £90k of debt? That's an amazing achievement and shows real strength of character.

Being raped at 11 would have a terrible effect on you. You had your innocence and trust stolen from you when you were still a child. Have you ever had any help or support with it? It's possible to carry these things around for years, unless you are given help to heal from it.

Nyac · 15/05/2012 09:41

Are you still with your dh if he hit you?

Levantine · 15/05/2012 09:44

It sounds as if you have been bottling all this up for a long long time and now you are ready to let some of it out. Hugs to you, it sounds as if you've had a really tough time.

46andacompletemess · 15/05/2012 09:44

No, I'm not about to do myself in. Just feel at the end of my tether with all this shit. I just want it gone and I don't want some woman in an orange skirt empathising with me over a box of kleenex in a terraced house. I'm sick of carrying the load and feeling I'm not good enough/worthy enough whilst appearing to be employee of the year/superwoman.

Yes have paid off 90k, Its taken us 6 years and we have 1 year to go. Spending was another of my bright ways of coping with unhappiness.

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46andacompletemess · 15/05/2012 09:45

Nyac yes I am.

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emeraldgirl1 · 15/05/2012 09:48

Am so sorry to hear of the tough times you've had. But am in awe of someone who can go through all these things and still be standing.

When I had problems (nothing like as hard-core as yours) I went to several counsellors before finding the right one. It's a really personal thing. And many are useless. On the flip side many are absolutely wonderful and a godsend. Can you try again with a different person? I tried 3 counsellors before I found one I trusted and liked, and who helped me.

46andacompletemess · 15/05/2012 09:52

emerald I don't think I can face it. It's the sitting down in front of a real person and being honest. I really can't strip myself so bare. I did it and it was awful - I just don't have the courage to do it again. It's easy on here as none of you have a clue who I am so I can absolutely tell you everything and don't feel ashamed of any of it (well I do, but ykwim)

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CailinDana · 15/05/2012 09:54

Having counselling is a big step, it's ok if you're not ready for it. You might be ready in future.

When you imagine people gossiping about you, what would they say?

46andacompletemess · 15/05/2012 09:57

They would talk about how awful it was for me, and I'd be forever known as "the one who was raped". Or something like that. Couldn't bear it. If there's one thing I have it's that I'm outwardly normal, if inside my head I'm a complete fubar.

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lovelydogs · 15/05/2012 09:58

That is an awful lot to be carrying around with you. I am far from being an expert but sounds as though counselling would be a good step. I've heard it can take a whle to find one you like and click with, only then wwill you be comfortable talking openly to them.

CailinDana · 15/05/2012 09:58

You feel that if people knew this about you, it would define you as a person in their eyes?

lovelydogs · 15/05/2012 09:59

PS well done on paying off all that debt..pretty amazing!

Notoutorabout · 15/05/2012 10:01

Add my congratulations on getting to where you can acknowledge it and write it down. MN is a good safe place for that.

I think lots of us with difficult backgrounds feel like frauds at work. That insecurity does linger on. It doesn't necessarily cripple you, though - unless, as for you, the experiences have been damaging enough to make recovery alone a very difficult task.The rape alone is a professional counselling job...plus abortion and DV?? - no wonder you feel paralysed.

It can take a while to find the kind of counselling that suits you....worth looking around. Your last experience didn't sound great. In the meantime, would suggest doing loads of reading on coping with rape, abortion etc - wish I had specific titles to suggest, but probably someone here will. Just seeing that your feelings are totally normal does help.

And finally, don't forget to congratulate yourself on achieving a huge amount despite it all... just getting to where you've got to is a massive achievement in itself.

46andacompletemess · 15/05/2012 10:06

There's a massive dichotomy going on - on one hand I know I am a decent, hardworking person. On the other hand I feel like I have a massive sign above my head highlighting my failings/things I'm ashamed of. Recently the latter has become more pronounced and I woke up this morning feeling utterly, utterly sick of it.

I've been on mumsnet long enough to have read some absolutely heart rending, terrible stories and nothing I've gone through can ever compare. I just don't feel worth anything, and my self esteem is so poor (even though noone would know it) that I need to slap myself and just tell myself this IS my normal or I'm scared where I will end up.

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46andacompletemess · 15/05/2012 10:09

and yes, I think the things above would define me as being weak. Not the rape but the violence and the debt, and that would damage my pride and tbh that's all I have left that makes me feel good about myself.

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amillionyears · 15/05/2012 10:33

well done for writing on here
you are a worthwhile person
the thing to remember is things can get better
is there no one you can trust like a vicar? or someone you have shut out in the past who would genuinely want to help you.
are there counsellors online.You seem more comfortable online
you can change things you dont like about yourself over time.Take things slowly at your own pace.

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amillionyears · 15/05/2012 10:52

crying is good btw
it is not weak,it helps to heal
we will aim to lift your self esteem

Nyac · 15/05/2012 10:55

How do you feel about still being with your husband who hit you? Has he been violent since then, or dominating?

I think you should stop worrying what other people will think of you. Much, much easier said than done of course.

amillionyears · 15/05/2012 10:58

she may not still be with him

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