PILs smoking around DS and me (pregnant)

[Badgerina]

So. DH has a rather "precious" attitude towards his parents (mum in partic.) in that he won't be assertive about things, in case they get upset about it. Not sure what he's so afraid of, his parents are actually rational, reasonable people.

His parents both smoke. They smoke in the house (which I think is gross anyway, but it is their house). What I don't like is them smoking in the house when we're there with my DS. I also really HATE myself for never simply politely bringing it up 4 years ago when DH and I first met.

In my defense, I did mention it to DH at the time, but was told "it's their house, I'm not about to tell them what they can and can't do in their own home".

Since I've been pregnant, I guess I've become even more unhappy about it. Since DH or I have never said anything about our feelings about smoking around DS (a fact I feel VERY shit about, and feel like a crap mum about), I worry that my PILs will continue to smoke in the house when we visit with our new baby, when he's born.

AIBU to expect them NOT to smoke in their own home, around children, pregnant me, baby?

AIBU to expect DH to say something (he will try everything to avoid that conversation).

WIBU for ME to bring it up with PILs?

[blondiedollface]

I could have written this post... Looking forward to what people have to say about this one!!

[Nanny0gg]

You'll have to bring it up.
Do they know your views on smoking in general?

[squeakytoy]

We smoke in our house, when granddaughter was little if we knew she was coming round we didnt smoke in the house for a few hours before they arrived or during. If we have guests coming round who dont smoke we dont smoke in the house then either.

All you need to say is that they are welcome to visit you but their house is too smoky for your baby. They have the option then to offer not to smoke in their house when you visit, or just to visit you.

[SmellsLikeTeenStrop]

As they smoke in the house you'd be breathing all that crap regardless of whether they were puffing away in front of you or not tbh.

How often do you visit them? Is them visiting you an option?

[entropygirl]

Well you can always not visit. Or at least suggest that rather than telling them what to do in their own house.

I think I would probably do that...just mention that I didn't want to take any chances with the pregnancy and so won't be visiting for a while.

[Noqontrol]

Well you need to bring it up with them, or your oh does. And if they carry on when you're visiting then I would stop visiting and tell them to come and see you instead ( in a no smoking environment). And tell them why. YANBU.

[Badgerina]

No. The thing is, when I first met them, they knew I had the odd one every now and then (literally about 3 a year, only socially, with a drink - the classic really rolls eyes). I haven't had one for 2 years.

However, I would have NEVER smoked around a child. EVER.

[CakeMeIAmYours]

YANBU at all - I am die hard smoker and wouldn't dream of smoking around DCs or pregnant women (or anybody else for that matter - I only really smoke in my car or outdoors). To give you some context, I don't even smoke with my dog in the car

I would frame it as "if you continue to smoke in the house, then I'm sorry, but we wont be coming round anymore"

That way, you are not telling them what to do, but merely adjusting your own actions in light of their choices.

[Rubirosa]

I would expect DH to speak to them about it.

I have a similar situation in that PIL smoke in their house, but luckily as soon as I was pregnant DP asked them not to smoke around me. We kind of have a compromise now that when we are there FIL smokes in his shed and MIL smokes in an upstairs bedroom/office when DS is around - or they smoke in the kitchen with the back door open after DS has gone to bed. I would prefer they didn't smoke at all in the house while we stay there but this is better than nothing.

[Badgerina]

Sorry should have been clear that last post was in reply to nannyogg.

Yes I suppose I could say "please come and visit us at our place", but is that realistic long-term? DH has suggested it, but I think it's purely to get out of letting them know he doesn't like something they do (SHOCK HORROR! Imagine a grown adult disagreeing with his parents about something...)

[Badgerina]

I also worry that with DH (only child) pussy footing around them his whole life, if I go in and say "well, we won't come and visit you because you smoke in the house", it'll be perceived really badly. By that I mean, they aren't used to having (adult) children say this sort of thing to them (unlike my parents who have had 30 years of barneys with 4 children!)

[mynewpassion]

Well, if you and your DH never bring it up, how will they expect to know? It should be obvious but they've probably never thought about it. And as you say they are reasonable people, ask that they don't smoke inside the house when you visit.

[Badgerina]

Ivananap DS is 7 and he is from a previous relationship. I met DH when DS was 4.

I absolutely SHOULD have said something about them smoking around DS, 3 years ago I'm shit.

It's actually very unlike me NOT to say something about this sort of thing.

DH's attitude has really thrown me. I've tried to respect his relationship with his parents. He seems EXTREMELY uncomfortable talking about anything that might "upset" his mum. He is unable to even say to me, out loud, that he doesn't agree with something they do. I don't know what he thinks will happen????

[Badgerina]

mynewpassion I completely agree. Of course we need to say something. I just am in a situation where I've begun doubting whether it'd be reasonable to. DH is being so weird about it.

[stripeyZ]

I have this problem with most of my family. I did what squeaky said once DS was born. Wasn't strong enough to properly enforce it in pregnancy.

DSis was ok with it. Didn't go down well with my parents.

It may also be worth preparing them for the 'don't let anyone who has had a cigarette hold your baby for 30 mins' advice too. Another thing that ended in an argument

[mynewpassion]

The pregnancy is the best time to approach it. Its a new day and opportunity to address the problem.

Just say that the doctor states that cigarette smoke is not healthy for the fetus and children and would they mind not smoking or if they do smoke, go outside.

If you don't say anything, then it gets harder and harder to change the status quo. They probably think you don't mind if they smoke around your child because you and your DH never objected before. Now is the best time to do it. If your DH can't, then you have to do it for the sake of your DS and your unborn child.

[Krumbum]

It's their house, if it's a problem for you could you ask them to come see you, then you can ask them to smoke outside. But in their own home yabu.

[Noqontrol]

If Dh won't say it then would you be brave enough to say something? Its not that hard once you get started. You might be pleasantly surprised then again you might not maybe you and Dh could say it together. You start, he carry on, might make him braver in the future after the first hurdle. If I asked my parents to stop doing something around the kids, they'd be shocked, but they would do it.

[Badgerina]

I think I'm pretty much resigning myself to bringing it up with them. I'd much rather do that than avoid going there. I think that would upset them.

The trouble I have with this whole "it's their house" attitude, is; what kind of person would think that? What kind of person would prioritise their right to smoke in their house, over the health of their grandchildren?

I don't think DH's parents are like this AT ALL. I'm sure if I speak to them, they'll understand. I just find it weird that DH has said "I can't ask them not to, it's their house". Does he think they would have that priority???? WEIRD no?

[Inertia]

Those health care professionals give advice about all sorts of things these days, don't they? Why, just the other day your midwife was absolutely aghast that you were sitting in smoky rooms while pregnant- to be honest she gave you a bit of a telling off,didn't she? Also told you how much damage the smoke could be doing to your DS - I bet you felt guilty listening to all that, Badgerina. So , PIL, so sorry, but the upshot is that we really cannot visit a smoking household, we just hadn't realised the extent of the danger - but you are welcome to come and not smoke at ours.

Job done.

[PorkyandBess]

Of course you need to raise this issue - or only have them visit you at your house.

There is no way I would expose my children to cigarette smoke, and your ILs are being very inconsiderate and ignorant.

Tbh, I wouldn't be happy about them going to a house where people smoke. I went to a colleague's house today. His son smokes - in the garden, but the house still stank from his stinky fag breath -yuk.

[Noqontrol]

No he's not weird really. Just still in that child / parent mentality that he needs to break free of. I remember standing up to my parents for the first time, it's not that easy, but after a while it becomes second nature. Help him out with it.

[lisaro]

It is disgusting, but YABU to tell them what they can or can't do in their own house. You just have to either meet them out or have them at yours.