I know I probably ABU however

[FridayNightNameChange]

Have name changed for this as don't want to out myself if any family are on here.

AIBU to be dreading going to see my 'D'M tomorrow? She is in hospital 4 hours away from here so I have a good 9 hour round trip on train etc to spend at the most 4 hours there. We do not have a good relationship at all and it is gradually getting worse. I have spoken to others about this and they all agree she is the problem, I would almost go as far as to say she is toxic having looked at the stately home threads on here.
She went in for fairly major surgery at the beginning of the week. Originally she said she would be having this in June which was fine as I could take some time off work then however last week she announced it would be this week when I am at my busiest time. She isn't ill enough for me to be granted compassionate leave and I really couldn't have been spared from work so I have spent all week trying to find out how she is from the nurses (fairly positive) or receiving calls from her or my uncle(always negative and she will always ring him over me). I have made contact every single day but she claims I "haven't bothered" to ring so I am going down more to prove a point than anything else.
I really don't want to go but feel I have to, not willing to put the kids through the journey so they are staying at home with DH
I do appreciate there are many of you who no longer have your DM with you and wish you did but my relationship with her is not good.
So AIBU?

[TheHappyHissy]

Why not suggest you go when she is out of hospital, then you can offer to help out a little more? a 9 hour round trip is a long way to go for an afternoon.

DO WHAT SUITS YOU BEST. Seriously, if you are concerned she is toxic, reset the rules on your terms. She can't make you do anything.

Whatever you do won't be enough, so why knock yourself out if you are only going to be criticised anyway. TELL her this if you must.

[FridayNightNameChange]

Hissy - thats the thing she was planned for discharge today but they have decided to keep her in longer (probably at her insistence) hence why I want to go to get the real story from the nurses
She has already exagerated her condition and operation to me and family members so going down means I get to call her bluff slightly.
She is due to be discharged next week now but I am in the middle of trying to handover my job and then on a course in Scotland which cannot be cancelled.
I have been slowly trying to reset the rules but the only option appears to be no contact and I cant put my DD through that as she loves her grandma (too young to understand)

[TheHappyHissy]

Your ONLY resoonsibility in this is to yourself and to your DD. If she's too young to understand, then it's the right time to nip this in the bud now.

When the time is right you can explain. Your mother will carry on damaging you, and the more your DD is exposed to it, she'll be harmed too.

You're your DD's mum. Protect her, as someone ought to have protected YOU.

[AgentZigzag]

I can see you're trying not to be bothered about her, but caring about what she (and perhaps others?) would think of you not going down shows it's perhaps not all the case.

If you'd distanced yourself in your head from her, you'd be able to brush off her accusation that you haven't bothered.

And you certainly wouldn't do a 9 hour round trip just to find out the real state of her health, you just wouldn't give a shit.

Could it be more that you want to like/love her but the kind of person she is makes that very difficult?