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Somebody else's cheating husband. Am I wrong to be so annoyed?!

(113 Posts)
babbashouse Sun 29-Apr-12 15:14:22

So DH and i keep having a row about this other couple, well not about them really, more about the principle of the matter...

We knew this couple, as a couple. DH knew them before me. Last year it transpired the husband had been cheating and was now leaving the marriage for the other woman.

Since then the other woman (younger, thinner than his wife, who I keep pointing out to DH looks older and fatter on account of having carried his two children!) comes to weddings/ parties etc with the 'husband'. Anyway, this puts me out a bit in that I just feel so sad for the wife - why should she be the one who gets cut out of everything so that her husband can parade around his new younger model. DH argues their friendship group was closer to the bloke so he's the one who gets invited to things (despite the fact the wife had been part of the same group for the last probably ten years)

So what's really pushed me over the edge of fury recently is that the husband now has a facebook profile pic of him, his new woman AND HIS TWO KIDS! Aibu to think this is off? Like he's gets to show off his 'family' and just switch the woman in the picture when a new, better model comes along. I just hate that it looks like a nuclear family, but it isn't the nuclear family - that new woman has no business posing as the mother. To top it off, he has then sent messages to us signing off 'husband, new woman, dd1, dd2' - again, as far as I'm concerned, completely inappropriate!

DH says people should be allowed to get on with their lives. I don't know, it just sickens me - the thought of DH not only cheating on me, but then leaving me for new woman and parading her around with my kids, as if they are now the family. AIBU?

Oh, the new woman has also added me as a friend on the dreaded fb. I can't face it. I want her to go away. I feel really strongly about this. I just feel like people/ 'society' should frown more on this sort of thing that they seem to be doing in this situation. Am I completely out of touch?!

TheFeministsWife Sun 29-Apr-12 15:17:58

YANBU but I don't think there's much you can do about it I'm afraid. Have you met up with the wife yourself since the split?

FeakAndWeeble Sun 29-Apr-12 15:18:01

What on earth do you have a problem with exactly? How is it inappropriate to sign messages from him and his new partner?! confused

Snowboarder Sun 29-Apr-12 15:18:40

No you are not BU to be annoyed, it would annoy the he'll out of me too - his poor ex wife!

That said I suppose you never know what goes on inside someone else's marriage and as your husband points out, at some stage people have to get on with their lives.

All the same, I'd feel sad for the poor woman who's been replaced, and I'm not sure I'd want to befriend the new girlfriend.

NatashaBee Sun 29-Apr-12 15:18:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 29-Apr-12 15:20:17

You don't have to like the man or approve of his actions, but you can't expect other people to put their lives on hold.. If you don't like these people, stop being their friend.

SoupDragon Sun 29-Apr-12 15:20:25

Your DH is right but you aren't unreasonable to find it all distasteful.

Surely you have to accept the OW as a FB friend though - she can't just add you.

gamerwidow Sun 29-Apr-12 15:23:40

YABU the new woman is the cheating husbands family now and he has the right to present her in that way.
For you to be so involved in other people's relationships that you are rowing with your husband is ridiculous.

babbashouse Sun 29-Apr-12 15:33:38

Alright, to clarify gamer, as I say, we are not rowing 'about them' - more about the principle of the matter. And it isn't a 'rowing' at all really, I used the wrong word - it's more of a debate, that gets a bit heated, but certainly doesn't result in falling out. It's just a point of disagreement. I feel really uncomfortable and actually like it's back-stabbing the wife to have anything to do with the new woman, or to give the impression to the husband that I think it's all fine and dandy. If I was that wife I wouldn't expect friends to simply, unquestioningly replace me like this.

Feak, I have a bit of a problem with him including her in the sign off as she is still, to me, the other woman; I don't like 'the other woman' as a species. But I understand that is natural - he's moved on to her. But it's the adding of the children that gets me - if he was signing off just him and her I could just about deal with it, if it was him and the kids, then lovely, but the four of them, as a set - they are NOT the set as far as I'm concerned, those children have a set of parents, and neither one of them is her.

soup, you're right, I've got the lingo wrong - she's 'requested' my friendship, rather than adding me on fb. I have not responded.

WorraLiberty Sun 29-Apr-12 15:35:52

Dear lord I think after reading that, your DH does very much have a point.

It's always sad when couples break up

But really, everyone's allowed to get on with their own life.

She's not 'posing as their mother'...she's accompanying him out and not being 'paraded' around. People don't necessarily get fatter or older looking because they've had kids.

You've every right to feel bad for the wife, but I think you need to step back and just support her.

Go out for a meal/drink with her to show she has some support perhaps?

babbashouse Sun 29-Apr-12 15:38:33

To clarify further, I think it's the involvement of the kids that gets me the most.

But on the basis of some of your response, maybe I am out of touch. You're stronger women than me that if your husband left you and months later was publishing pictures for all to see of him, the new woman, and your two kids. I personally don't think I could survive that. sad As such, I just feel really protective of the wife's feelings in all of this.

babbashouse Sun 29-Apr-12 15:39:21

To clarify further, I think it's the involvement of the kids that gets me the most.

But on the basis of some of your response, maybe I am out of touch. You're stronger women than me that if your husband left you and months later was publishing pictures for all to see of him, the new woman, and your two kids. I personally don't think I could survive that. sad As such, I just feel really protective of the wife's feelings in all of this.

rogersmellyonthetelly Sun 29-Apr-12 15:40:09

Difficult one really, but I would find it very difficult to be friends with anyone who had an affair with someone. I know it happens and I don't have a problem with anyone ending a relationship and starting a new one with Someone new but the cheating makes my skin crawl and no matter how close a friend I think I would lose respect and not want to be in their company. He does have a right to sign off as himself, new woman and his kids though, as they are his kids. If new woman was doing same, that would be out of order.
Don't think I could be friends with the new woman either tbh and would tactfully ignore the friend request.
If you were close to the original partner or you liked her there is nothing to stop you still maintaining a friendship with her if you wanted to.

crescentmoon Sun 29-Apr-12 15:40:29

thank you OP i feel the same way!

i hate it when men do something like that and people shrug their shoulders. i think the lack of stigma makes it easy for a man to walk out on his wife and children and shack up somewhere else. i absolutely could not be civilised if that happened to my friend let alone closer family.

imagine you give the best years of your beauty and fertility and health to raise children and a family, and then your partner decides to trade you in for a younger model?

WorraLiberty Sun 29-Apr-12 15:41:38

But you're talking as though it's happening to you

If my DH left me and was publishing pics of him, the OW and our kids...I wouldn't be as 'strong' as you might think.

But this doesn't take strength on your behalf does it?

Really, I think you should carry on supporting the wife but try to calm down a little bit.

babbashouse Sun 29-Apr-12 15:42:42

Oh crescentmoon, thank god!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for posting that. I was beginning to feel very sad about the state of the world indeed!

SoupDragon Sun 29-Apr-12 15:44:06

Babbashouse, I am that wife. Well, not the one you're talking about obviously but I am certain my XH has pictures of him, the OW and my children playing "happy families". I have blocked him on FB so that I can not see when/if he posts on the children's walls and thus do not see any pictures.

I also broke off all contact with his family for similar reasons. He is their son and inevitable they have to have a relationship with the OW. It is easier all round if I do not have a relationship with them.

Head-in-sand is the only way I can deal with it. The thought of it all makes me want to throw up!

babbashouse Sun 29-Apr-12 15:45:42

But worra I do think as a fellow human being I have a responsibility to empathise and respond morally on the basis of that - rather than, as crescent says, just shrug my shoulders because it isn't happening to me.

MistyMountainHop Sun 29-Apr-12 15:49:19

none of your business!

sorry but you couldn't possibly know what was going on in the marriage and why her husband cheated and left.

are you jealous of this young pretty woman and don't want her in your social circle? hmm

bjf1 Sun 29-Apr-12 15:49:44

Agree with you OP.
It really makes my skin crawl. This happened to a couple me and DH knew. When the cheating spouse turned up at a function night, all the blokes were literally slapping him on the back and complimenting him on the fact that his new woman was a younger model.
Made me feel quite sick.

crescentmoon Sun 29-Apr-12 15:51:28

like, i love liberalism same as anybody else but i think when a man leaves his wife/partner and children for someone else, and then without shame parades the other woman around - and social networking makes it worse! - its so sad. seriously, people are so civil, if it was me who was the wife i think i would be 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' kind of woman.

but its so common now that its almost dangerous to take your marriage 'in sickness and in health'.

babbashouse Sun 29-Apr-12 15:56:02

misty, the wife is in her 40s - as is the husband - the new woman early 30s, and I am younger still - and probably slimmer if we're counting. So no, I don't feel threatened by her. It's not about me - I'm feeling on behalf of this other woman who's been thrown on the scrap heap. The incomprehension of being angry about this selflessly I think says a bit more about you and your motivations that me and mine!

bewitchedandbewildered Sun 29-Apr-12 15:58:52

I remember the time my eldest called me to "come look at dad's Facebook page". It was like a punch in the gut to see my boys and their father on a summer break away with another woman in my place. It hurt. Not because I missed or wanted my ex back, in a way it felt like some woman had just walked in and stolen my family. Which, in a way, she had done. But only because we weren't a happy couple in the first place.

A good few long years down the line there is no mistaking whose family those boys on that Facebook page belong to. Stealing a philandering husband is easy to do, but replacing the bond between mother and sons is not so easily done, I'm happy to say.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 29-Apr-12 16:00:21

crescentmoon
This man hasn't walked out on his children though.

WorraLiberty Sun 29-Apr-12 16:02:38

But worra I do think as a fellow human being I have a responsibility to empathise and respond morally on the basis of that - rather than, as crescent says, just shrug my shoulders because it isn't happening to me.

Fair enough, I understand that.

But you can empathise without getting so far involved/so angry and arguing with your own Husband about it.

How many times have you had the wife over for coffee/gone out together?

That's what I'd be putting my energy into I think.

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