More WWYD ? am i being too sensitive re DS/Mothers group?

[kiwimumof2boys]

Hi, my first post here so please bear with me !
Anyway, My oldest DS is 4, and before he was born I joined an ante natal group. We met up fairly regurlarly, and while I wasn't buddy-buddy with anyone in particular, (Everyone else is older/richer than me) but that was OK.
However, a few of the others are getting pretty chummy and I have essentially been 'dumped'. At the end of last year the 'leader' who does the roster of when we meet up, who organises etc said she'd do another roster, but I haven't heard hide nor hair from her since. Well actually, I did email offering to organise and asking when did she think suited else but got a terse reply stating she 'would try and organise something after easter.'
Anyway, what has kinda hurt is that in the last month there have been photos put up on Facebook of the others having playdates from earlier this year, I drove past the one who lives close to me and saw the others' cars in her drive, and now there have been photos of birthday parties been put up on Facebook - one with every child except my DS invited !
Now that hurt. The thing that gets me is that I was always nice and helped organise things, really made an effort, where another mum wasn't keen on meeting up (Sent and email saying we were meeting up to often for her. I got the impression she thought some of us were 'beneath' her), never helped out and now shes been bloody invited to all the parties !
Anyway, hopefully meeting up with 2 of the others tmrw, really want to say something, but I know I'm gonna be told by MN-etters not to ! esp re parties.
Any advice would be great ! Hope this makes sense !

[starfishmummy]

Sometimes friendships run their course; just accept it and find some nicer people.

[sunnydelight]

You need to find some new friends. Easier said than done I know but really, why chase people who - for whatever reason - don't seem to want to hang out with you. If you can afford it find a music or gym class where you will meet other mums, go to story time at the library etc.

By the age of 4 the kids themselves will start to have strong preferences about who they want to play with, and unfortunately that sometimes splits along gender lines. I remember with DS1 a lot of the mums I was friendly with had girls and by 4 it was very much "girls playdates" that DS wasn't invited to.

[Everythingsgoingtitsup]

I had such a similar experience with my nct group. They were all wealthy, designer clothes, wine collections, cleaners etc. Thought I was fitting in ok but discovered that meetings were going on which I was not I invited to. Little snide comments were made about ds wearing supermarket clothes, about me returning to work, etc. They made me feel so inferior. Then I woke up and realised they were a bunch of superficial bitches. Dump them all. Move on. I never once regretted doing do. Are your lot nct op? I think the nct breed superficial bitches.

[fluffypillow]

I can see why you would be hurt by this, I would be too.

It may be a good idea to put it down to experience, and move on.

[Everythingsgoingtitsup]

Ooh maybe I was a bit harsh there. Touched a nerve. Still think you should move on though.

[suburbophobe]

It hurts, yes, but you sound a lot nicer than them.

Time to find some REAL friends....

[kiwimumof2boys]

Oh thanks for your messages. Yeah deep down i knew I had to let them go - just wanted some advice. everything yes they are a lot wealthier than me - we live in the 'poorer' side of a wealthy suburb and they all grew up in surronding areas too (I grew up in a nice, if poorer suburb).
I guess it was the whole birthday party/facebook thing which really hurt me - one of them had a 'princess' one which i can fully understand DS not being invited to, then was flicking through photos and saw another boy, T, there dressed as a king and the host made the comment 'poor T being the only boy!' grrrr. Anyway, I will prob be seeing one of the nicer ones tmrw - do you think i should maybe casually ask if I have done anything to upset anyone ? or just leave it ?
Oh OK - I know the answer already . . .

[MordecaiAndTheRigbys]

This is one of those times when you can say its not you, it's them. Why you want to be friends I don't know but I understand being lonely and left out. Please just don't bother with them anymore. If you message them it will look like begging.

[Everythingsgoingtitsup]

Cancel your meeting tomorrow. Take yourself and ds off to a posh cafe instead and have a big cake. Then cut them off totally, he's four, he'll be making school friends come sept.

[bobbledunk]

Dump them, you're better than that.

[thatisall]

I think its especially painful if your telling yourself that your son is being left out because they haven't befriended you. He isn't missing a thing love.
Screw them!!
I've met plenty of these superficial mums in my time and trust me...not one of their lives is as perfect as it appears. You don't want your son to be looked down upon, so rather than trying to be 'good enough and put more effort in, fuck em, go somewhere else, to a different playgroup, somewhere where you're considered equal.
Call the NCT and find other meetings. Trust me, as an organisation, the NCT is aware of what it is and the kind of women than some groups are made up of. They will be able to advise you of a more welcoming group, who don't mind a George vest here and there.
IMO I think you should cancel your meeting. If you think it will make you feel better tell them why; that you don't want their non-welcoming dispositions and bad attitudes to rub off on your ds.
See how they like the taste of that organic, fair trade piece of honesty.

[AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb]

Agree with thatisall your DS A doesn't know about this and B doesn't care.


These women are randomers...nothing to do with you and your son now....they are not worth bothering about it they're so mean as to exclude you.

And remember when DS is older HE will make his friends for himself....not the parents.

[fussbucket]

Just a quickie to say I went through a similar experience, we genuinely needed each other at the very beginning, all new mums together, but as time passed, those who had similar social/financial positions started to get all matey, and the group split - three of us who didn't buy into the Little Princess theory of parenting found ourselves quietly excluded. We took to doing stuff the Princess mummies didn't want to do, like den-building in the rain, and let it go, because we were having a lot more fun with each other.
Your DS will soon be making loads of new friends in Reception - and so will you.

[mayaswell]

That's so hurtful, most people I know have had it happen to them in one way or another. The only thing you've got in common is location and offspring, its not always going to gel.

You don't need someone to say the words to you, in fact I can't think why you would want them to. And go and block them on Facebook right now, don't torture yourself.

And anyone who rates someone solely based on the price of the clothes on their back is leading a shallow existence, and certainly displays no manners by commenting.

Good luck OP - enjoy your ds. Set a good example to him in making good positive friendships with people who support and respect you, and bring joy to your life.

[xmyboys]

The friendly one you are meeting today, was she not hosting? Organising?
If so can you not have a friendship with just her?
She might welcome the break from the group.
Just steer clear of conversations about the others.
Or make the break.

[RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief]

I think YAB(a bit)U, or rather I think you're maybe looking at it in the wrong way.

Firstly, i'm amazed the ante-natal group is still going in any way, shape or form after 4 years. In my experience, they tend to splinter by the 1 year mark at the latest (prob because that's the end of mat leave). Remember that they are pretty artificial constructs- you all have a new baby and live in the same area. That's it. Some lasting friendships (often 2's or 3's) will come out of them, but you shouldnt feel slighted because you didnt form one, especially as you admit that you're at a different life stage to the majority of others.

The other things that I feel influence the tendency for smaller groups to form is that when they're little, 12 baby playdates are totally do-able. When they're all mobile/ toddlers, far less so. Also, the fact that you all have a new baby in common becomes almost irrelevant as the children get older, and people go onto have their second/third child, go back to work etc. That "support" function from the early days doesnt bind the group anymore and people are all on different schedules so big meet ups become less practical.

I think you have to get away from the feeling that "the group is meeting up without you" and into the mindset that some of the members have formed independent friendships that don't include you. It may well be that the group hasnt formally met up without you (sounds like there hasnt been a meet up this year). It may also be that some group members have basically indicated that they're not really interested in continuing on a whole group basis anymore.

In any case, I dont think you should take this personally. Just consider if you want to continue to remain friendly with the ones you like, and meet up with them individually, but if you don't have much in common with any of them, just move on and dont worry about it.

NCT friends are usually "friends for a season", and valuable for that, but they often have a shelf life. I am in touch with very few of the friends I met directly pre and post-DS. No big fallout, just the reasons I alluded to above, but I then went on to make other friends as my life evolved.

HTH

[Pixieonthemoor]

You could view it that they are all a bit desperate - you know, clinging desperately together because perhaps they are worried they won't make other friends. It always astonishes me that, a few weeks in, some school mothers are acting like life long friends - surely it takes longer than that and with more basis than an accident of age of child/where you live?!

Anyway, try not to be too upset - birds of a feather and all that and this lot sound fairly shallow. There will be plenty more opportunities when your DS starts school.

I do understand though about you wondering if you should say something. I think I would feel the same way! I am probably going to get told off for passive-aggression but how about saying to the nice one you are seeing "oh, it's lovely too see you. I seem to have been dumped by the others ha ha!" and see what she says? At the very least you will have made your point that they are a load of shallow cows who don't know how to behave.

[Debsbear]

It hurts I know, but it's time to move on with your life. There are lots of other (nice) people out there who would love to be friends with you and your child(ren). You'll meet some of them in the playground when he starts school, but you don't need to wait that long. Go to as many activity groups, where he can meet kids and you can meet other mums with kids of his age, as you can. Have fun getting out there and making friends!! It doesn't sound like you've lost a lot worth keeping tbh.

[porcamiseria]

they are mean bitches

first step, defriend them on facebook, sounds drastic but nothing worse than seeing daily reminders of ex-muumy mates having fun.

second step, accept that you do NOT want to be mates with mean folks and make some more friends, make a clean break with the mean ones

you might want to say in a matter of fact way "I found it somewhat hurtful, for DS sake, to see umpteem photos of party he was not invited to" but leave it there

fuck em OP xx

[RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief]

I just re-read your Op. With the exception of the recent party, are the playdates all of them meeting up without you, or just a few of them, as I think that makes a difference. I assumed a few of them, but now think I might have misinterpreted that. Also, how many of you are there in total?

re the party, you can only real blame the host for that, as the others cant really control who was invited, nor were they probably aware until the day (i.e. if DS is invited to a party, I dont ask the mum who else is going in advance)

[Bambino81]

I would be hurt as well, but i'm also pretty stubborn and don't like playing games, can't stand fickle people.

Find yourself a new group if you can, fuck them off, bitches.

[WatneyShed]

RichMan makes a good point - is it really all of them meeting up without you, or just a few?

[kiwimumof2boys]

Wow thanks again for all your helpful responses.
The meet up tomorrow is at a huge soft play place, so if the others (i think another is coming, she just emailled shes a bit tricky arrghh) are being clique-y i can just get lost with DS's. Yeah Pixie I was actually thinking of making an off hand light hearted comment re being 'dumped' like you suggested, but knowing my luck it'll come out completely wrong ! i might just say something along the lines of 'so, have you seen much of A or B etc, how are they ?' and keep it at that, then stick to safe DC related conversation.
And, if worst comes to worst we are meeting up at 10am, generally by 11:15 - 30 DS2 is ready for a nap - so gives me a good excuse to leave !

[WatneyShed]

I really wouldn't mention being "dumped" - there's every chance that if you have been excluded it's been unintentional and if you do, you'll sound clingy.

I've been in a similar situation. Looking back it really wasn't a case of anyone deliberately excluding me.

[oopsi]

I think it is very rude TBH i am not surprised you feel slighted.