More what would you do really. My Mum and childcare.

[Nobhead]

Not sure what to do really but here goes. My DS goes to school in Sept and currently my Mum looks after him on Fridays which I really appreciate. Before I had DS my Mum had basically organised my childcare for me and assumed she would be looking after him full time when I went back to work . When I informed her that we wanted him to go to nursery for many different reasons (didn't want to have to rely solely on her what if she got ill, what happens when she goes on holiday, want him to mix with other kids etc) she was mortally offended to the point of tears. Also because she has very different parenting ideas to me and DH which I knew would ultimately end up in us all falling out. We then came to a compromise and she now looks after him every Friday which works out quite well as her and my Dad get to see him regularly but it also frees up our weekends as we don't feel obliged to go and see them (my Mum is adept at making me feel guilty if she doesn't see him at least once a week) as they have already spent time with him.
So I have just got off the phone with her and she said"nobhead I have been thinking about what happens when DGS goes to school (it's 4 months away FFS!) when will we see him? I thought I could pick him from school for you on Fridays and take him back to your house and you and DH could go out for a meal or something otherwise we won't see him."
This is obviously a very kind offer but I'm not keen because

1. I don't really want her to do the school run for a number of reasons. The other day DS told her about being told off at nursery for doing something before he was allowed to and she said "nobhead why are they shouting at him, there are better ways of doing it" . I can just imagine her marching in to school to give the teacher a piece of her mind if nhe gets told off at school.
   
2. DH and I just want to come home and relax on Friday nights after a long week at work.
   I'm not sure what the solution is TBH- she won't be happy unless she sees him at least once a week but DH and I work full time and never get to spend lots of time with DS as it is so we don't really want to spend every Sunday afternoon with them (they tend to take over and we don't see him for the whole time we are there as they disappear with him and don't really chat with me and DH when we visit) or leave him with them as we won't get to spend time family time with him. I understand that when he goes to school they will miss him terribly but isn't that just part of what happens when DGC grow up and go off to school- you inevitably aren't going to see them as much. I don't know what to do- any advice? AIBU?

[YouChangeWithTheWeather]

Tell her there's no space in the after school club on Tuesdays and it would really help if that's the day she collected from school?

[moogster1a]

Can't she pick him up from school at least once a week and take her back to her house for a couple of hours. Gives you time to get stuff done/ get home from work.
It'l save you a lot in CM afterschool fees and still free up your weekend.

[YouChangeWithTheWeather]

That's assuming you want her to collect him at all. Give it a year and he'll be doing some school club after school.

[MonaLotte]

I think you are very lucky to have GPs who want to be so involved. DH and I have been out for a meal twice sine ds2 (2) was born.

[Debsbear]

Lots of possibilies, maybe suggest a different day for her to pick him up if you want Friday evenings free. Maybe get a friend (or yourself) to drop him round to your parents on another evening if you don't want her going to the school. If your son has any after school activities/ weekend sports, why not ask her to take him to them. Suggest once a fortnight might be a better option as you can spend a bit more time with them. Ask her to babysit one evening a week/ fortnight so you can go out with your partner. Oh, what a lovely dilemma to have! (seriously, I know it's hard to be tactful at times, but it could be much worse)

[StealthPolarBear]

I thought she actually caLled you nob head on the phone :o
Can she take him back to hers? Or have him on a Sunday morning, say?

[Meglet]

yanbu. I like having a quiet Friday tea-time once the kids are home from school and nursery.

Can she do another day? Don't look a gift horse in the mouth etc etc....

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

My mum comes over once a week as she has done since my dc were babies and she used to look after them on that day. Oldest ds is now at secondary school, but my mum still picks up the younger onand has them both to give them dinner and spend time with them after school. She usually goes home around six, which is just about when dh gets home.

Would something like that work for you?

Tell her you don't want to be forced to go out every Friday night after a week at work because you will be tired and that will get expensive, but she could still have him for a little while.

I don't think you should be upset with her for asking why your ds was shouted at, and unless she has form for barging in to nursery to complain, she is unlikely to do it at school. It's too chaotic for teachers at pick up time for it to be encouraging for grandparents to start trying to take up teachers time, and even if she does, you can forewarn the teacher. She won't mind, dealing with carers is part of the job.

[Hownoobrooncoo]

Don't see why she can't pick him up from school one or two days till you can collect him. Seems like a winner.

[mrsnesbit]

Is there no room for compromise here at all?
Why cant he go on a Friday for his tea with his granny? I dont think that your arguments against are adequate tbh.

Seriously, im the opposite end here and have 2 sets of gp who dont give my son a second thought, and wouldnt be bothered if they didnt see him from one year to the next.
Cant rememebr the last time me & dh went out for a meal alone since we had him (he is nearly 9 years old now!)
She may be a pain, but she obviously adores him, let her have one afternoon a week with him.

[Debsbear]

I thought she was calling everyone "Nobhead"!! Good grief, I'm slow this morning!!

[pinkpyjamas]

She sounds like a lovely grandmother, and I admire the way she is making it clear how important he is in her life.
Could he stay over at his GPs on Friday nights?

[Nobhead]

Thanks for the advice folks. I know I'm really lucky to have someone there who is willing to look after DS for us but I just find her over bearing at times- she doesn't have much going on in her life, she doesn't work (out of choice) and doesn't have any hobbies and my Dad is at work all day so she gets bored and looking after DS is the only thing she does all week. I don't really want her doing the school run at all if I'm honest but I know we will have to arrange something if only to keep the peace.

[Fillybuster]

Much as I appreciate your concerns, I think you're being a bit overprotective (and a bit ungrateful) on this.

I can't work out whether your main worry is keeping your dm away from the school altogether (why? is she that much of a liability? or are you being waaay overprotective of your pfb's relationship with the school?) or that you don't want to go out every friday evening? Why can't your dm collect him from school once or twice a week (I assume you don't finish work by 3.30pm?), and take him back to her house or yours, or the park, or whatever, until bathtime? What is your current plan for the bit of time between end of school and you getting home from work?

If you don't want your mum to talk to his teachers about his progress, then just tell her. And if you think she will ignore you, then tell his teachers not to discuss him with her if she tries...

[WhataMistakeaToMakea]

OP have you asked what DS would like? (Not saying that you should just do what he wants, but if he is used to being with her every friday he might miss her when he goes to school too. My DD's adore their Grandma and I know they would be devastated if they only saw her once a fortnight after they start school).

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

What are your reasons for not wanting her to do the school run?

[Fillybuster]

By the way....yes, I get that you and your dp work ft and want to spend time with ds at the weekend, but don't chuck away the opportunity for the occasional break....gift horses and mouths and all that....

[AThingInYourLife]

I don't think you're at all lucky to have such an overbearing, bossy mother.

If Friday doesn't suit you, then suggest another day.

But this is your son, your arrangement to make, and you are under no obligation to accept her offer.

[QuintessentialShadows]

You are lucky. You can even ask her if she wants to pick him up twice a week, take him home and feed him tea. School finishes very early, if you both work full time, you need to get an after-school nanny anyway.

[GinPalace]

Even if she did march into school and question their methods would that be such a big deal? They would probably take no notice and if they asked you about it you could say her views don't necessarily represent your own.

My mum looks after my ds one day a week and they have their own relationship which I don't own - I can't imagine coming between them having that bond. My Mum also does things differently to me often but nothing earth shattering so I let her be her own autonomous adult and I am sure DS will cope. I think expecting her to lose that weekly contact would be like a bereavement for them both after all this time, so I think doing the school run once a week is a fab solution. If not Friday just another day.

In no time your DS won't want it anymore and will be off with friends so she should be able to have this while she still can.

There must be some way of making it work for you and as you say it would allow you to keep weekends for family time.

[boringnickname]

God, let her have him friday night for you to pick up on saturday morning and be grateful you have someone who is willling and able to do it. That is a whole evening of peace and a whole morning shagging with the papers and radio two!

[chocolatebuttin22]

I totally understand nobhed if you want to do the school run yourself, to get DS settled in and what not.
Can your DM not go with you once a week to pick up DS, that way you are still picking him up, so she cant bombard the teacher with questions etc etc. Then all go back to your house, by the sounds of it your DM wants some company. You shouldnt take that away from her just for the sake of it xx

[GinPalace]

I think it is one of those occasions where your own personal emotional discomfort (at her over-bearing way) should be borne for the wider benefit of everyone including hers.

OK so her life seems a little empty which explains her keen-ness, but all the more reason not to deprive her. And maybe she just really really cares and would put herself out like this even if she had lots of other things on.

Many would kill to be in your shoes.