... to want MIL to spend time with DGS without her other DGC?

[chanie44]

This has happened to me and a friend of mine...

My story
Sometimes, when MIL comes around to visit and spend time with her grandson, she often has one of her other grandchildren with her. SIL pretty much moves in with MIL over the weekend, so she see's her other DGC loads. When OH (her son) and I had DS, I think she expected us to spend pretty much the whole weekend at her house. However, we both work full time so we have to plan our time. I have tried to make the effort to invite her around to our house and cook dinner, so she can spend quality time with DGS, but half the time, she has one of the others with her.

My friend
SHe told me a smiliar story. Her DH is going away for the weekend and wanted some company. She decided to invite her MIL instead of her mother (who is probably going to feel quite left out when she hears) so that MIL could spend quality time with her DGS (who is about 3 month and they live halfway accross England, so its not like they can just pop in). ANyway, MIL invites her DD (my friends SIL) and her two children along, so now my friend is having to host them a well.

I would genuinely like to know if it is BU for MIL to bring along the other DGC when they already spend loads of time with the other DGC.

BOth of our SIL have 2 children - one of pre-school age (e.g. 3-4) and a younger one, so they do need a lot of attention and supervision.

Its not that I'm hugely bothered, but it does feel like a bit of snub when you try and make the effort for MIL to spend more time with DGS.

[squeakytoy]

I dont think it does any harm for cousins to spend time together too.

[WorraLiberty]

I don't see a problem

She sees lots of her other GC's so she probably invites them along to see their cousin.

I don't really think it's your place to want to engineer her relationship with your son.

[TheAvocadoOfWisdom]

I think YABU a bit. What is your MIL supposed to do with the GC if she doesn't bring them? And how old is your PFB?

[RedHelenB]

Isn't it nice for them to see their cousins though?

[HandMadeTail]

My grandmother always thought we needed the company of other children, and used to arrange for her friends children to come over when we were there. We would have been happy to spend time with just her, but she thought she was doing the right thing.

[WheresMrMonkey]

No YANB completely U.... It is lovely to spend time with your cousins but a bit of one on one time with a grandparent is great for a child too

[usualsuspect]

I think its ok.

[chanie44]

I'm all for the cousins spending time together. In fact, every time we go over there they are there. It is nice for DS and I am keen for him to have good relationships with them, as I had with my cousins growing up.

THe point I was trying to make was that MIL often has one-to-one time with the other two, but rarely has any with DS and when she comes over, she often has one of them with her. Yet she always complains that she doesn't seen enough of DS.

[Salmotrutta]

See, MIL can't do right for doing wrong.

What is all this stuff about one to one?? What a load of nonsense.

My folks have 8 grandchildren, some live abroad too. The logistics of doing one to one would be utterly impossible.

Cut your MIL some slack for goodness sake.

My MIL adores all of her grandkids - but she couldn't do one to one. She's getting on a bit and things have to be carefully arranged. She likes her routine and having things her way.

[Salmotrutta]

Meant to add - my MIL has 4 grandkids, and some of them also live abroad.

One to one? Why exactly?

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

YANBU about your friends story, it was rude of that AmIL to invite someone else to stay at a house that isn't her own.

I think YAB a bit U about your own MIL. She obviously doesn't feel she is missing out on anything otherwise she wouldn't do it, and your ds will know know different so can't miss what he hasn't had. My ds's aunt and dd live with their Nanny (my ex's Mum) so they nearly always have their cousin there when they see their GM. It's never occurred to me that they would have a problem with it, and I'm fairly certain it's never occurred to them either. They love their cousin and they know their Nanny loves them.

I think you need to be aware that you could be creating a problem when there isn't one.

[working9while5]

I think it depends.

In our case, we live abroad and only get home 3-4 times a year. The other dgc are there weekly, one of them even more (sometimes stays there 2-3 nights a week).

One of the dgc who is much older than ds is going through a phase of being particularly difficult and most of the time we are there, there is screaming/naughty steps/arguing etc. This is stressful for the adults in the house, not to mind the kids. Ds is only 2 but it's notable to me that he talks about his time in my mother's house loads and barely ever mentions their family. I think it stresses him out tbh. I wish that they didn't always have to be there - it's lovely for the cousins to meet but right now it's not really that enjoyable for anyone and dgc who is tantrumming the most (nearly 6) is clearly jealous at any attention ds receives.

Also, SIL will often "disappear" meaning I am left with all 6 dgc while she "has a break" e.g. if grandparents are cooking or have chores to do meaning ds isn't really getting to see his parents OR his grandparents as the cousins command so much more attention.

[BackforGood]

Agree with others. Your friend's MiL was being unreasonable - if you are invited somewhere for the weekend (or even a couple of hours, tbh) it's not your place to invite anyone else along.

However

YABU about your own situation. A local visit doesn't involve 'hosting' in the same way, and it's nice for LOs to spend time with cousins too. From what I've read, your ds is an 'only' - so why would you have any concerns about him needing "1:1" time ?

[BackforGood]

I also think your MiL can't do right for doing wrong. He other grandchildren come and visit her at the weekends. You choose not to (for reasons I understand - there's a lot to be done at weekends if you are both out at work all week), but she still then puts herself out to come over just to visit your ds.
A lot of people would think this is nice.

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

I've got an opposite situation.
I live 8+ hours drive away from PIL.
Usually when I go through (often just me and the DC) my neices/nephews aren't there even though they live 10 minutes away and spend loads of time at PILs (overnights, days)

They know we are going there. MIL 'forgets' to tell them.
My DC would like to see their cousins.
It's not because she wants them to herself. She gives them a box of (very old ) toys and leaves them with the TV.


And as an aside- she doesn't buy them anything. Not a book or a bag of sweets? After I've driven a whole fecking 8 hours.
And they complain that they "never see them" but won't travel down here to us.

I'm not being grasping. A bag of marbles would be nice. My DC don't say anything but they have noticed, especially as my dad goes out of his way to get them books and sweets etc.

[chanie44]

I guess Iabu then.

I suppose I was trying to make the effort to ensure that mil felt included as she always complains that she doesn't see enough of ds.

The reason I asked was because mil does go to sil for dinner and ds isn't invited (which is fine) but when I invite her, she will pick up one of her other DGC on the way.

I work full time so I view my time with ds as precious and try to have as much quality time with him as I can. I suppose I felt that invitng mil around meant that she wouldn't have to cook and could enjoy quality time with ds. When we go to mil's house she is often cooking/pottering around. I only make a point of specifically inviting her around every 3 months or so (otherwise she has an open invitation to pop in when she wants) I didn't think an occassional visit was unreasonable.

[2rebecca]

Several thoughts on this.
Your friend's MIL is being unreasonable and if I was your friend I would have told my MIL that i only wanted her and husband (do these women have partners?) not a houseful of guests.
I think expecting time with a 3 month old to be quality time is a bit much as babies aren't very interesting, although some MILs on here seem desperate to spend hours alone with babies.
Your MIL shouldn't be inviting other children without your permission though and I don't understand why she brings them as they are older than your baby and can't really play with them and toddlers are tiring and noisy.
I think you and your friend should talk to these women. You should both be more assertive about not wanting add ons when you invite someone, and ask your MIL not to bring any grandchildren with her as your baby is too young for them to play with at the moment.

[pigletmania]

I see what you mean. Why not tell your mil that you would rather your ds sees her on her own sometimes. Not an unreasonable demand as it can be done

[pigletmania]

He is only a baby at the moment but when hd is older would appreciate more one to one time with granny

[curiositykitten]

What if you had more than one child? Would you insist on her spending one on one time with each child without the other(s) being there?

[chanie44]

I think its more about spending time with us as a family unit rather than DS alone - I'm expecting no 2 this summer.

To give you an example: a couple of weeks ago, MIL wanted to come to a Farm Shop near me. I hadn't been there before either, but I'd heard good things about it and mentioned to MIL I was going. She asked if she could come along and wanted to bring a female friend, which was fine.

On the day, I said to OH that I was thinking about not taking DS with us as he's too much hard work in shops - he's 2.5 and would be running around the shop: I'm pregnant and MIL's friend has some mobility problems. OH said that MIL would insist I bring him and she would look after him.

ANyway, MIL and friend turn up with DGS, who is also 2.5. MIL had popped in to to see SIL (as she lives on the route to our house) and decided to bring DGS. THis would have been problematic because there wouldn't have been enough room in my car for all of us (Me, MIL, her friend and 2 car seats). As it turns out, DS was asleep when she arrived, so it wasn't an issue as he stayed at home.

When we arrived at the Farm Shop, guess who spent the time running around after DGS......

[TandB]

YABU
My DP is the eldest of 14 grandchildren. By the time the 14th was born the great-grandchildren had started arriving. Only the first two ever had "one on one" time with grandparents but all 22 of the grandchildren and great grandchildren have good relationships with their grandparents, and with each other.

[bettybat]

I can't wrap my head around this, I'm afraid - I think you're being pretty unreasonable.

Just going off my own childhood experiences, I spent the entirety of the time I saw my grandparents in the company of my brother and cousins. Very, very rarely did any of us spend "one on one" time with them and if we did, it was through random circumstance rather than planned. I never got the sense it was needed! All of our parents worked, we all went to nana and grandad's after school and in the holidays - one or two of us might rock up before the other but it was always just how it was - we all spent time together. We all went to the same infant and primary school and our families were very integrated (my dad and his sister, my aunt). I have many, many wonderful memories of so much time spent with my cousins - they were my comrades in arms!

So I guess I just can't my head round get this idea of one on one time...time with my nana and granddad just was. Granddad fixing our bikes up, nana chasing us off the doorstep with a broom so we'd go and play somewhere else. Time spent together was very casual and very low expectations, and possibly - much closer than formal, arranged visits? I dunno.

It sort of comes across like there's a sense of proprietary going on? You do come across insecure (not sure that's the right word but the closest I can get!) about your children not being as close to their grandparents as their cousins?

[ArtVandelay]

Working thats exactly my situation. The PILS house ends up absolute mayhem and noone enjoys themselves. Plus there ends up 11 people round the dining table and poor MIL never makes enough main course but overcooks on things like peas and string beans which she tries to make everyone eat so everybody is hungry and fed up. My SIL is always having the vapours... God I hate going there and haven't been back since the last time which turned into WWIII with SIL storming off in tears (as usual) which meant again we were all left with her bratty kids! I can say that because its always my SDCs that get the blame and they are like Pollyanna compared to their cousins - makes me so on their behalf. My DS is 'the baby' but I don't see why they should get the pleasure of him if they are going to shout at my SDCs all the time - so unfair.

[ArtVandelay]

Could have probably explained that better by adding that SIL and cousins go to PILs every day and we are abroad so see them about 5 times per year. SIL is not ill or single, she has just come to rely heavily on her parents. All I would like is a couple of hours or a dinner with just us and the PILs.