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Help with MIL problem....

(229 Posts)
ilovemyelectricblanket Thu 05-Apr-12 21:20:00

Christmas 2010 we went to the PIL a 5 hour drive away. This way my idea. Things have often been fraught between me and MIL but I was trying to please.

So we arrived to find them out. We had travelled 5 hours in a car with lots of luggage/presents a 3 and 4 year old. NIGHTMARE.

They were busy so we settled ourselves in our hotel. Hotel was necessary - as staying at theirs was too much trouble. Their words.

We let the kids run riot and burn off some energy. Much needed and then we make our way to PIL home.

Was nice. OK.

Then back to hotel to get ready for Christmas day. I decorated the soulless hotel room with a tree and stockings (for Santa to find) and more... then we went to bed.

Of course, sleep, stockings prepared and delivered and then at the usual 5.30am kids awake and of we go......

We had been told the the day before that we couldn't arrive to PIL until after 11.30am. So we made the first 6 hours in a hotel room as fun as possible with the kids.... they are still 3 and 4 years old.... It was pretty shitty really.....

We arrive at PIL and have a jolly enough time of it. We are all making an effort. Its ok. Christmas dinner is late IMO for small kids as it always is. It was 4.30pm before we ate. The boys were over it by then. One ate a bit the other didnt. The littler one was already showing worrying signs of over tiredness.

I have to say they behaved beautifully up until this point. I was very proud.

We (me and hub) ate (in a hurry) and then little one (aged 3) started shouting. I couldn't placate him and I tried every trick in the book. We eventually had to leave. Bath, bed, story etc was much needed.....

He had been up for over 12 hours and was hot tired. Something, I didnt know what, was wrong with him and I knew we had to get him to bed. Routine etc.

It was a 15 min walk to the hotel room in the snow.

We started to leave. Coat alll the rest etc.... while PIL etc were still eating cheese and drinking coffee after Crimbo dinner.

MIL came in and I was on my knees trying to get coat on 3 year old... She just kept repeating (bearing down over me) that we couldnt leave and had to stay as there were more presents to unwrap. I said that we had to go (coudnt she SEE?) and that she wouldn have to be up all night with little one?

We had to 'just leave' my boy was screaming.....

She told me that I just had to leave him to cry....? We dont do that in my house. My children are 11 months apart and when they cry - we go to them....!

We left. It was awful. Little one up all night with a fever... no calpol, no thermoter, no hotel staff just me and my hand on forehead and no sleep....


It took me six months to stop my 4 year old from asking why Daddy is a BLOODY SHIT!!!!

We had upset her because we left early. No consideration for her efforts over Christmas etc etc. FYI. Christmas dinner was reheated and not cooked. Pre preared roast potatoes (the best kind not Aunt Bessies) and all the rest pre prepared too....Not that much effort IMO.

Hub is really upset that they have behaved this way but undersatnds that this is normal behaviour for her.

I am expecect to brush under the carpet.

I was badly absused by MIL 40 hours after giving birth and cant brush this under the carpet again.

Kind of feel like we should split up.... Me and hub.

Sad. :O( Confused....

Thanks for listening. Any help/advice gratefully received. I want to leave Hub even tho I love him so I can be free of the last 18 months of hell Ive been in...... sad


OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Thu 05-Apr-12 21:52:16

So don't see her again. Tell your dh you won't brush it under the carpet, and you can't forgive what she did without an apology. Then refuse to see her. Let him go whenhe wants to, and when the dc are old enough he can take them with him on his own, as long as you can trust him notto allow any bad mouthing of you.

There is no law that says you have to see your in laws. All you have to do is let your dh go with your blessing, and your children go if you know they will be safe, emotionally as well as physically.

I don't see my MIL anymore. I haven't seen her for nearly three years because I just couldn't tolerate being around her any longer. My dh had no choice but to respect the descison I made.

Eglu Thu 05-Apr-12 21:54:19

X-posted. He will find this difficult he has been brought up with it, but my above post stands. Tell him quite clearly that you will not brush it under the carpet, and you will not have her in your home.

cookcleanerchaufferetc Thu 05-Apr-12 21:54:37

Sorry but you have been in therapy over the Christmas 2010? That sounds very extreme. I don't understand why your won't allow your SIL over. You seem to be taking it to the extreme. Yes, your mil seems like a psycho bitch but you don't see or talk to her so .... Should you not get over it and tell your DH that you won't be seeing mil but understand he might want to. If SIL goes every 6 weeks let him go once......

Calamityboo Thu 05-Apr-12 21:55:18

Exactly what Eglu said, he can speak to her if he wants, but you and your dcs do not deserve to be treated that way by them and it is best if they are kept away from you. I would say though, if DH is back in touch with them, be wary of a relapse of his acceptance of their behaviour!

xxmush1983xx Thu 05-Apr-12 21:56:39

I don't think it's about her DH seeing MIL, it's about him taking a stand for his wife and kids.

DairyNips Thu 05-Apr-12 21:57:37

Cook - its not extreme, I have been in a similar situation and people like this can cause emotional devastation and untold stresssad

Eglu Thu 05-Apr-12 22:04:26

Mush I agree that in a perfect world that the DH would take a stand for his DW and DC, but we have to recognise that it is difficult for him to do that as he has grown up accepting awful behaviour and sweeping it all under the carpet.

Hopefully dome counselling or something in the future could help him to do that.

ilovemyelectricblanket Thu 05-Apr-12 22:06:06

Oh My. So much to take in. smile
If not for my therapist I would have gone mad.
I love my Hub. Is a good man.
He sees her faults but has been conditioned over 40 years to behave in such a way.
Hub gets blackmailed by his Dad and Sister and the rest of his family hasnt spoken to him in 18 months.
I see and feel his pain.
MIL is the victim but we were abused by her. My babies too.
The children dont really remember her.
We used to have her visit (her INSISTENCE) evey 6 weeks. No matter how tired I was with a new born and a 1 year old....

When I gave birth I asked for a 'babymoon'. It was my first baby. I didnt know the rules. I just knew I want to be in bed with my Hub and Baby. MIL said and I quote - Im not prepared to wait....

So she showed up and never left. Didnt once ask me how I was or hug me. Just looked shitty at me and down her nose at me....


I was bleeding so bad. I had forceps, ventouse and and episiotomy . I had a 3 day labour and gave birth (without drugs) to a 9lb 8oz beautiful baby boy who came out with his arm and head at the same time. She made the first six months with him HELL. Hub had his whole family telling him how shit I was because I wanted some privacy....


I had better stop.... I have 7 years of this crap to share with you....

bibbitybobbitybunny Thu 05-Apr-12 22:06:42

In effect you want your dh to make a choice between you and his mother?

xxmush1983xx Thu 05-Apr-12 22:09:50

Eglu - that's exactly what I went through with my DP, he wouldn't back me up when I stood up for myself to her, just told me not to speak to his mum like that angry. DP had counselling and it really helped smile

pumpkinsweetie Thu 05-Apr-12 22:11:04

Completely understand your situation as my pil are like this.
Its always their way or the highway-they will never changeangry
Fil ruined my mothers day by turning up at my house shouting obscenties at my H because he assumed we hadnt got mil a present.(we had got one)
He swore, shouted, spat moaned flowers and chocs wont cut it and said my H treats his mother badly which is not true, then he went on to say he doesnt care if he ever sees his grandkids again !-the thing was the whole time he was ranting my H was standing with the present ready to take to her which was a ds game!!
He promptly sped of after scaring all my dcs half to death with his lunacy.
He has still not apolgised and my pil are expecting us round their house saturday for an easter egg hunt with dcs, cousins and various other family inlaw! -im goin for my H but im dreading it as mil will prob stick up for fil if he rants again.
Considering fil said he never wants to see his grankids again i dont see why we have to go but H has been nagged and guiltripped into going by mil & sil

xxmush1983xx Thu 05-Apr-12 22:12:17

blanket - haha, I've got 7 years worth as well!!

Wine??? wine

pumpkinsweetie Thu 05-Apr-12 22:14:48

Its like pil's cant let go of their little boys and want to keep as obedient children forever

ilovemyelectricblanket Thu 05-Apr-12 22:15:31

bibbity. i guess i do.... sad
is that awful.

what i really want is to NOT FEEL CRAP that i am angry that my MIL abuses me and my kids on a regular basis.

if i say no to her (which i never have) but if i dont let her visit she abuses me...

if the kids are around she will abuse them too.

to see a 4 year old form the words BLOODY SHIT every now and again and ask why Daddy is one is too much for me...... My 4 year old SCREAMED IT each time too - mimicing her....

I see that its hard for DH. I get that.

I get that she is damanged and cant behave any other way.

I get that I can and have (to hub) said taht i wont see them again.

BUT THE PRESSURE I/we are constantly put under to perform i.e. see her every 4-6 weeks is immence.... Hub is hassled badly (blackmailed) every time we dont see her.

I can take it but after hearing that Hub had a nice fucking chat with her (her rang her) on the phone - Im wondering what Ive been doing for the past 18 months.....

Sorry about all this chaps... I wish Id posted years ago....

Thank you muchly for listening and replying.... Sorry to not name check. I will but bashing it out for now....

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Thu 05-Apr-12 22:16:38

If sharing seven years of crap will help you, then do it. It might be cathartic.

But at some point you need to let go. You need to make a conscious descison not to allow this woman to damage your marriage any more, and you need to stop allowing what she has done in the past make you so unhappy today. Because at the moment, you are allowing it.

Maybe therapy on your own would help you. Maybe some kind of ritual that ends with her being cut out of your life will do it.

It can happen, I am proof of it. There are still times when MIL's actions upset me, or I get upset about what she has done in the past, but it is so much easier to get over it when you are sticking to a promise you have made to yourself to not let her have control of your emotions any more. You are giving this horrible woman so much of your energy, and you just don't have to. It's ok to allow her to be a part of your DHs life without allowing her to be a part of yours.

lechatnoir Thu 05-Apr-12 22:18:22

Easy to say when you're looking from the outside in, but I simply cannot understand why you or your DH would want any of his family in your lives? Your DH has been conditioned over the years you absolutely MUST sever ties now before you go the same way & your DC continue living with this sorry cycle of abuse sad

fedupofnamechanging Thu 05-Apr-12 22:21:50

Don't leave your husband - you love him and he is damaged by his parents. He can't help that and I think the therapy will improve how he deals with them in the long run. Don't let this deranged bitch of a mil ruin your marriage any more. apart form anything else, if you separate, he will have access and will take them to visit her - you need to be with your dc to protect them from her.

My strategy for dealing with her would be to tell dh that if he wants to see/speak to her then that it up to him, although you personally, would prefer that he cut ties, following her abusive behaviour. However, you and the dc will not have her in your home or have any contact with her ever again.

If dh decides to maintain contact, then you do not wish to discuss it or her at all.

Basically, cut her off from your life and that of the dc. I also think your husband should tell his dad and sister that he does not wish to discuss his mum with them and if they insist on guilt tripping him, he will end the conversation. i doubt he'll do this, but they cannot make you have any contact or the children.

Eglu Thu 05-Apr-12 22:22:53

Pumpkin I can't believe either you or your DH are having anything to do with your ILs after your thread.

Ilove I can understand that you feel let down after he just phoned his Mother after all this time and accted like nothing happened. He really needs some counselling. Perhaps a reminder of what his DC experienced needs to be reiterated to him.

Hownoobrooncoo Thu 05-Apr-12 22:24:03

Why can't Dh call or see his mother if he wants and op stays clear of MIL so doesn't have to deal with her? Obviously he has to understand and agree to keep you out of it all.

ilovemyelectricblanket Thu 05-Apr-12 22:24:03

I am in therapy. And Hub is in therapy. Its separate.
I agree. So much effort, stress and energy.
I thought we were on the same page.....but he rings her for a chat a fecking chat???? today???
So 18 months of working through therapy to not blame myself (Im like that) and for what??? To let time diminish what actually happened and have it brushed under the carpet.
I have read all posts and I can see that I need to make MY OWN decision and stick to it. As in - I wont see her again.
As it stands Hub has been written out of the will as punishment for him now seeing MIL (no guil there then).....
SIL is coming this weekend as Hubs insistence (quite understandably he feels so alone and so inviting his sister over and her coming is quite a big thing) but I dont see how I can sit and cook/entertain his sister and family without tripping over the elephant in the room....

xxmush1983xx Thu 05-Apr-12 22:24:09

That's the ultimatum I gave to DP, and I feel so shitty for it now BUT I was driven to it, and (not that it's tit for tat) she had said this to him previously. I think you're totally feeling like you're not being backed up or like your feelings even count. Have you thought about counselling on your own?

Men are so fucking infuriating with their mums sometimes, honestly, it's like the umbilical cord is made of some invisible, impossible to sever material

xxmush1983xx Thu 05-Apr-12 22:24:30

Sorry x-post re counselling

pumpkinsweetie Thu 05-Apr-12 22:27:44

I feel as though i have a duty to my H to atleast try but if saturday ends badly i think that will be it the last straw.
Has anyone managed to break away from their pil without any trouble from your H's?

ilovemyelectricblanket Thu 05-Apr-12 22:29:13

Hownoobrooncoo (great name by the way - I did the accent).

He can see them. Honest. But I cant seem to let go enough to let him let them with the children. I feel like I am being excluded when I havent done anything wrong...
What do you think? Too needy? But its how I feel..
No matter what I feel anyway. MIL wants to be invited to our home every 6 weeks, be entertained, have grandchildren, be fed watererd on her time schale etc etc etc until she goes when she is ready.

Its too hard... too much.

He can go to them. But its a 5 hour drive and he seems to not want to go....

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Thu 05-Apr-12 22:29:15

Your dh didn't call his mum because he brushed your feelings under the carpet, he called her because no matter what, he will always love her. There will always be part of him that hopes she will be the Mum he deserves her to be. When you are able to separate the way he feels about her with the way he feels about you, it will be much easier fir you to support the man you love in the crap he has to deal with in having her for a mother.

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