Help with MIL problem....(229 Posts)
Christmas 2010 we went to the PIL a 5 hour drive away. This way my idea. Things have often been fraught between me and MIL but I was trying to please.
So we arrived to find them out. We had travelled 5 hours in a car with lots of luggage/presents a 3 and 4 year old. NIGHTMARE.
They were busy so we settled ourselves in our hotel. Hotel was necessary - as staying at theirs was too much trouble. Their words.
We let the kids run riot and burn off some energy. Much needed and then we make our way to PIL home.
Was nice. OK.
Then back to hotel to get ready for Christmas day. I decorated the soulless hotel room with a tree and stockings (for Santa to find) and more... then we went to bed.
Of course, sleep, stockings prepared and delivered and then at the usual 5.30am kids awake and of we go......
We had been told the the day before that we couldn't arrive to PIL until after 11.30am. So we made the first 6 hours in a hotel room as fun as possible with the kids.... they are still 3 and 4 years old.... It was pretty shitty really.....
We arrive at PIL and have a jolly enough time of it. We are all making an effort. Its ok. Christmas dinner is late IMO for small kids as it always is. It was 4.30pm before we ate. The boys were over it by then. One ate a bit the other didnt. The littler one was already showing worrying signs of over tiredness.
I have to say they behaved beautifully up until this point. I was very proud.
We (me and hub) ate (in a hurry) and then little one (aged 3) started shouting. I couldn't placate him and I tried every trick in the book. We eventually had to leave. Bath, bed, story etc was much needed.....
He had been up for over 12 hours and was hot tired. Something, I didnt know what, was wrong with him and I knew we had to get him to bed. Routine etc.
It was a 15 min walk to the hotel room in the snow.
We started to leave. Coat alll the rest etc.... while PIL etc were still eating cheese and drinking coffee after Crimbo dinner.
MIL came in and I was on my knees trying to get coat on 3 year old... She just kept repeating (bearing down over me) that we couldnt leave and had to stay as there were more presents to unwrap. I said that we had to go (coudnt she SEE?) and that she wouldn have to be up all night with little one?
We had to 'just leave' my boy was screaming.....
She told me that I just had to leave him to cry....? We dont do that in my house. My children are 11 months apart and when they cry - we go to them....!
We left. It was awful. Little one up all night with a fever... no calpol, no thermoter, no hotel staff just me and my hand on forehead and no sleep....
We went back Boxing Day. SCREAMING ABUSE. CHILDREN SCARED SHITLESS, SO WAS I. SCREAMING, SPITTING, OBSENITIES. Awful.
It took me six months to stop my 4 year old from asking why Daddy is a BLOODY SHIT!!!!
We had upset her because we left early. No consideration for her efforts over Christmas etc etc. FYI. Christmas dinner was reheated and not cooked. Pre preared roast potatoes (the best kind not Aunt Bessies) and all the rest pre prepared too....Not that much effort IMO.
Hub is really upset that they have behaved this way but undersatnds that this is normal behaviour for her.
I am expecect to brush under the carpet.
I was badly absused by MIL 40 hours after giving birth and cant brush this under the carpet again.
Kind of feel like we should split up.... Me and hub.
Sad. :O( Confused....
Thanks for listening. Any help/advice gratefully received. I want to leave Hub even tho I love him so I can be free of the last 18 months of hell Ive been in......
If you're at the stage of leaving your OH purely because of your in-laws then surely you need to give your OH the chance to sever ties with them for the sake of his family. Of have I missed the point?
Im probably being dim, but has more happened since then or are you still rankling over the events of 18 months ago?
She behaved appallingly, but if thats been it, maybe you need to try to figure out how you move on and not let it ruin your life?
Why is this bothering you so much now - it was Christmas 2010.
Have you not spoken to your DH about this since then?
It sounds like you have had a really awful time. I know this might sound obvious but have you sat down with him (just him when child free) and explained how you feel?
Draw a line - ask him if he thinks their behaviour was acceptable, if he agrees it was unacceptable, then how will he garentee you and the DCs won't have to experience that again. Your plan is to not see them again, if he can find a way to see them while be certain this won't happen, you're happy to hear it. You do'nt think she is more important than your DCs. Does he think she is?
Agree with that. You live five hours away from them, that should be manageable. "I try to please" is setting yourself up, and is a very foolish life strategy. Have you considered some kind of assertiveness training.
They sound toxic and lacking in empathy and understanding. Sorry you had to go through that, awful.
I wouldn't let them split you up.
You and dh need to be a united front to them always. If you choose to stay in contact with them that is, I wouldn't.
Do you see them often? It can't be that much if they are 5 hours away and you have LOs. Can you let your DH see pil and you stay away?
Its been 18 months and things have been difficult. He has finally understood that just because HE is used to that kind of behaviour - that me and his boys shouldnt have to put up with the abuse she freely dishes out.
His family want him to do the usual of put up and shut up....
I cant let her continue to treat me, my kids and my hub the way she does....
She is I see troubled.
Today - he tells me that he had a nice little chit chat. After 18 months of prettly much hell on my party - he is brushing under the carpet.
MIL has made it clear she WILL NOT APOLOGISE as she was a bit upset.
Thanks for reading lechatnoir much appreciated...
Why has something that happened at Christmas reached such a head at Easter?
Well, then tell him until she apologises and promises she won't do this again, you can't trust her round the DCs so she won't be seeing them again, and you won't have anything to do with her either. It's her choice, he's to tell her. Don't back down on this. If he doesn't want to tell her, then he can make excuses for your absence, but she isn't welcome in your home and you won't go to hers.
How old are your PIL?
What do you mean about your MIL abusing you 40 hrs after you gave birth?
What has happened in the interim? Something must have for you to be posting this now - 16 months later.
Surely all the 18 months of hell is not down to MIL, given they live 5 hours away you can't see them enough for it to get that bad
You just need to agree that NEVER again will you go away to a Travellodge for Xmas whilst the kids are small - not if your in-laws won't really welcome you into their house. Your in-laws sound rather old and unable to cope with small children - better that they come to you and stay in a b&b, then on your own turf you are in control!
And your OH needs to deal with his in-laws.
Give your DH a chance, please!!
I'll quickly go into my story - MIL was (is) a horrible, interfering, jealous poisonous, manipulative witch who tried to interfere with everything between me and my DP. DP at the time would not stand up to her, and I always ended up being the bad one. I started to stand up to her and she hated it.
This all came to a head last year when my mum and DP fell out. Between them - two adults. At DD1's 5th birthday party last year MIL assaulted my DM because of this. AT MY 5 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER'S BIRTHDAY PARTY. DP was still totally blind to his mum by this point, and it ended up with us splitting up for 6 weeks because he backed her up. Eventually he realised what a twat he was being and what a manipulative cow she is and came back. None of us have had any contact with her for nearly a year. DD1 refuses to have contact with her, because (in her words, I have put nothing in her head!!) "My granny a did a horrible thing, she hurt my granny b and ruined my party".
This is the last thing I wanted, at the end of the day it is caused a huge family divide, if DP ever wants to speak to her he has been told not to involve me and the children (unless they want to see her).
I know this is how you are feeling, but I chucked DP out on his arse due to all the high emotions running - give it time, he will come to his senses. His wife and children should come first. I regret the way I handled things now, it made me no better than her. Do your children say anything about that day?
Hope things work out and if you need to rant, PM me xx
Totally agree with what Lydia said. Absolutely no compromise because you can guarantee even a slight shift & you'll be back to square one. Good luck op & stay strong if not for your own sanity then for your DC.
Oh that is an awful situation, a little similar to my mil who is vicious and nasty to me but sweetness and light for DH, he knows she is like this and he shrugs it off as he is used to it, I have however made it very very clear to him that she will not treat me like that, I will not put up with it. Please don't leave your DH over this nasty piece of work but make sure he knows you will not tolerate this, it is not normal and will not be accepted! Ooh all for you.
What happened xmas 2011? Did you see the pil?
When I say give it time, I mean of course tell him exactly how you are feeling and that you will not bow down to her - and give it time to sink in x
Oh gosh. Thank you for even reading!!!! Thank you.
Hub and I have been in therapy since in happened.
He understands his parents are damaged but he by default is damaged too. Hubs life as always been to please/do as told and so saying he is not happy with her behaviour is MONUMENTAL. Not that I knew this when I married him.
We have not had them in our home since that Christmas.
SIL lives near us and MIL visits every 6 weeks. She wants to visit us too but we haven't extended the invitation/allowed. She is pissed off and makes it clear to all the family that she is the victim of our being distant.
Hub gets regular calls from Father and Sister telling him that his Dad could die (he has a small/minor stoke 2 years ago) and he should make things better.... The emotional blackmail and pressure on our marriage is IMMENSE.
Its been 18 months of hell. My trying to find forgiveness (Ive found understanding but I cant seem to forgive someone who isnt asking for forgiveness)....?
Hub casually told me tonight that he rang his Mum and had a nice little chat with her. Just catching up.
She will see this has him brushing the past 18 months under the carpet. Its rewarding her bad behaviour and I dont trust myself to even speak to my Hub Im so angry....
I think you need to tell your DH that if he wishes to have a relationship with his parents that is his choice, but that you and your children will not be part of that abusive cycle.
point taken. My mil is a manipulative cow. I should have put my foot down years ago but I think she manipulated me in the first 10 years . You need to lay down the law. Nothing to stop DH seeing his parents but everything to stop you and the dc seeing them until she apologises and meets on your terms.
YES YES YES, it's about HER being the bloody VICTIM!!!! Bloody martyr!! Don't give in x
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