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To be annoyed at being left out of wedding party?

(125 Posts)
Buttercup2926 Mon 02-Apr-12 14:18:41

My general rule is to accept whatever other people want for their own weddings, no matter how loopy it is just suck it up and smile.

I am feeling totally pissed off at the moment though about being left out of my sister's wedding party. There are 5 siblings, 4 sisters and a brother. It's my youngest sister who's getting married. Her fiancé is my brother's best friend, that's how they met. So my brother is the best man.

I hadn't given too much thought as to who would be bridesmaid. I thought they were keeping things fairly small and having 2 bridesmaids, so figured she might ask one of her 3 sisters and her best friend. I would have been delighted to have been asked but equally happy if one of my other sisters was asked instead. All 4 of us sisters get along quite well, but we all live in different cities so don't live in each others pockets.

It now transpires that she is having 4 bridesmaids, my other 2 sisters, her best friend, and another friend. To be honest I am feeling really hurt about it and finding it hard to understand. The wedding party are all staying in a hotel the night before the wedding, having dinner etc., so my brother and 3 sisters will all be there while I'll be at home. They'll all be at the top table, etc.

I plan on doing and saying absolutely nothing about it, I will just put on a smile and get on with it. AIBU to just feel really left out and hurt?

TroublesomeEx Mon 02-Apr-12 14:20:56

YANBU to feel left out or hurt.

Sadly there's fuck all you can do about it.

I understand what you mean had she just chosen one of her sisters, but for them all to be chosen except you is a bit rubbish.

Perhaps she hasn't thought about the reality of it all and the implications for the top table and stuff. Are you close enough to her to ask her about it?

ImperialBlether Mon 02-Apr-12 14:21:26

No, you're not being unreasonable. What a horrible thing for her to do. I would have to ask her (or get someone else to ask her) whether she realised how hurtful it was for you.

pippop1 Mon 02-Apr-12 14:22:05

That does sound rather unfair. Perhaps they have a different role in mind for you? Speeches or something else. Is there any reason that you can think of why you might be left out e.g. just had a baby or don't like public roles?

SarahBumBarer Mon 02-Apr-12 14:22:28

YANBU at all. I think she must be incredibly insensitive not to really how this will look and make you feell and not to have had the guts to speak to you about it.

ZillionChocolate Mon 02-Apr-12 14:22:31


Are you the only married one? Going to be pregnant? Already have children? I wonder whether there's a reason she's making a distinction between you.

<clutches at straws>

Mrsjay Mon 02-Apr-12 14:22:49

I would be very hurt if i were you , YANBU , not 1 sister but 2 are bridesmaids , I guess your sister wanted her friends too but to leave you out is hurtful , i know its her wedding blah blah but i think its ok for you to feel hurt ,

Inertia Mon 02-Apr-12 14:24:06

Are you perhaps the only one with a family of your own, and they thought you'd be busy?

Not surprised you feel hurt though. Me and DH have 7 siblings between us, and each of them was either best man, brisesmaid or usher. Would never have excluded one sibling!

Sarcalogos Mon 02-Apr-12 14:24:21

shock you are not being unreasonable, I'd be really upset in your shoes.

Although, you're right don't say anything, IMHO, your mum or one of the others will surely speak to her for you first!

paddlepie Mon 02-Apr-12 14:24:47

I don't blame you for feeling hurt - I would too. Are your other sisters married/have kids? Do you have kids, so your sister is maybe thinking you would rather be with them on the day rather than having to do any bridesmaid "duties"?

Panamama Mon 02-Apr-12 14:26:20

I would feel exactly the same way, and you can't help the burst of pain you felt on first finding this out. It's very sad that you're the only one left out. Your determination not to make a fuss over it and be happy on the day is admirable and shows maturity.

I think it would be okay to discretely try and find out why this is how it is though. There's nothing wrong with wanting to know rather than being upset in private.

confusedpixie Mon 02-Apr-12 14:29:26

Yadnbu, that's just cruel sad I hope another sibling raises the issue.

otterface Mon 02-Apr-12 14:30:25

YANBU sad Not nice at all.

Hopefully a misunderstanding - do you think it's likely that one of your other sisters will raise the subject with her?

otterface Mon 02-Apr-12 14:30:44

x-post pixie smile

wishiwasonholiday Mon 02-Apr-12 14:30:49

Yanbu I would have been hurt too.

doctordwt Mon 02-Apr-12 14:36:37

Actually that is horrible. I would find it hard, if you all get on I imagine that your other siblings will also find it upsetting and sad, and it will look odd to other guests.

Can you speak to one of your other siblings about it?

FriskyMare Mon 02-Apr-12 14:36:50

Aw, that's awful. You are well within yout rights to feel upset.
Can you not speak to your parents or another sister to find out if there is a reason you have been excluded?
Are you married and she wants you as maid of honour or something? I think I would have to find out her reasoning.

doctordwt Mon 02-Apr-12 14:37:10

And what do your parents think?

EnjoyResponsibly Mon 02-Apr-12 14:38:08

Is at all possible that all the other BMs are single and you're married with kids?

Disclaimer I'm not saying that shouldnt make you a contender OP, just trying to understand her rather mean motivation.

akaemmafrost Mon 02-Apr-12 14:41:33

My dsis and I were not getting on AT ALL round the time of her wedding, she still through gritted teeth asked me to be a bridesmaid though.

I would be very hurt and I think you should say something.

Buttercup2926 Mon 02-Apr-12 14:47:46

I am married with kids but so is one of my other sisters.

It was my mum who told me, she was quite upset. Apparently the reason is she wanted her best friend (obviously) and the other friend because she was her bridesmaid last year. She decided on 4 bridesmaids because there are 4 groomsmen. So she had 2 spaces left and 3 sisters. She picked the 2 closest in age to her. It's not a huge age gap, I'm 3 years older than my next sister, sister getting married is 9 years younger than me.

I told my mum it was fine, don't want her worrying about it but I really feel it has marred the whole day for me.

BackforGood Mon 02-Apr-12 14:55:57

I agree with most, I think YANBU to be a bit upset at this. Like you, I'm a bit of a "It's their wedding, their choices" thinker in general, and had it been she'd just not asked you to be a bridesmaid then I'd say that. But it does seem odd to ask your 2 sisters and not you. sad I think I'd have to get one of my other sisters to ask her about it, tbh.

BackforGood Mon 02-Apr-12 14:56:36

x posted

LeeCoakley Mon 02-Apr-12 15:00:06

But why haven't your other sisters questioned it? What have they said to you?

SomethingSuitablyWitty Mon 02-Apr-12 15:00:20

My Dsis did this - though not quite as blatant. We are three sisters and she had just one bridesmaid. My other sister. Ok it was small wedding, but really, how hard would it have been to have two? My bro and I were therefore not in the 'wedding party'. It hurt. It really did. And I feel for you. But like you, I put it behind me and accepted that there were reasons and that they were valid and the aim and intention was not to hurt me. You have to try and not let it spoil the day for you and not let it damage your relationship with her. Let it out here and if you are strong and feeling generous enough, let it go then. Hugs though. It's shit.

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