So bored with friends who talk endlessly about relationship problems

[treadwarily]

First up I should say I am lucky to have some very excellent friends.

I also have some who, well, I am getting very bored with.

One in particular talks of nothing but relationship problems with her DH and her DD's behavioural problems. It has been this way for as long as I can remember.

She has many good qualities and tries to be a good friend, but I am finding it increasingly irritating and can't really imagine continuing the friendship.

She is right about her dh, he is an arse, he treats her badly, but I do find myself wondering, sometimes aloud, why she stays with him if it is so bad. And I have come to the conclusion that she is comfortable with the discomfort, that on some level she needs to play martyr.

She is also right about her dd who is very spoilt and bratty to the point where I don't do playdates etc. They have been offered professional help through the nursery but they declined because they felt it would be intrusive.

Meeting up with her leaves me feeling irritated because it's a conversation on repeat, and also it's quite negative.

What do you do with friends like these? Do I tell her or do I just fade out? She instigates all our contact.

[Nanny0gg]

I'm wondering what she gets out of the relationship as you clearly don't like her or have much in common...

[treadwarily]

Well that is an interesting point because I have liked her very much in the past. And I wouldn't say I dislike her, but I am rapidly losing respect for her because of all this. And she is getting more needy which is turn irritates me more - and I'm starting to understand why her DH treats her badly.

I am wondering whether she has some kind of martyr-type complex and is most comfortable when she is being treated badly.

[ebbandflow]

I agree that it can be emotionally draining to hear these conversations from people constantly-just let the friendship fade.

[Kaluki]

"and I'm starting to understand why her DH treats her badly"
Well with a friend like you she doesn't need enemies does she!!
You sound delightful.
Do the woman a favour and end this so called friendship. Then she can find some more supportive friends.

[FatherHankTree]

'She is right about her dh, he is an arse, he treats her badly, but I do find myself wondering, sometimes aloud, why she stays with him if it is so bad. And I have come to the conclusion that she is comfortable with the discomfort, that on some level she needs to play martyr.'

Maybe this is all she knows. If you can't help, point her gently in the direction of a counsellor or someone who cares about helping her.

[MrsKittyFane]

Kaluki : Well with a friend like you she doesn't need enemies does she!!
Nanny:I'm wondering what she gets out of the relationship as you clearly don't like her or have much in common...

So If you are a person's friend you are fair game to become their personal sounding board & emotional dumping ground?

This friend isn't showing you much respect OP.
For a friendship to last both people need to make it work. A one sided moan is not a friendship.

[MrsKittyFane]

BTW, I know a person who I used to feel was a good friend until I had a bad time myself. I was used to her talking about her many problems and tried to be supportive but when things went badly for me she didn't care and changed the subject if I tried to talk.
Some people just want a crutch.

[Mia4]

Have you been honest with her? Told her how you feel? It may shock her into re-evaluating or taking a hard look. If you are upfront and blunt and pretty much say 'either put up and shut up or instigate a change' she may actually do it I know i did when it was said to me, i realised that constantly bitching about the same things meant they really were a bad issue, one i was avoiding by just venting to mates. When they said that i realised that actually i should have nipped them in the bud right away or, in one case, compromised. Now I don't bitch about the issues because i've confronted them head on and dropped the dead weight and held tight to the loving weight.

On the other hand it may make her annoyed with you but since you are considering phasing her out anyway, it gives her the chance to walk away first and she'll do so knowing you were honest.

[treadwarily]

MrsKittyFane - thanks Kitty. The only real personal challenge I've had during the course of our 5yr friendship is giving evidence in a rape case, the trial lasted a week and of course was unpleasant. She did ask how it went and I said it was quite hard and she said, "Oh well, it's over now isn't it" and went back to talking about herself.

Not that I wanted to talk about it at great length, I had professional support for it, but it was so dismissive and, given the amount of time I had invested in her stuff, I found it quite revealing.

How did you offload your needy friend?

Mia4 - I haven't told her bluntly. I have pointed out that she has moaned about him for as long as I've known her and that it hasn't improved and won't unless she confronts it. Hasn't made any difference though.

I did also encourage her to take the professional help offered through the nursery but again, not interested.

[BellaCB]

OP, that's such a tricky one. I don't think you are necessarily BU, but it is so hard to know what to do in these situations.

I have one very close friend who is very intense and who is certain that everything in her life is terrible, and everything in everyone else's life in amazing. Unfortunately most of what she complains about are the same problems everyone else has - money, job stress, DH annoying her etc - she just doesn't quite realise that most people don't complain about these problems for hours on end every single time they talk. When I see her and I can see that a 3 hour complaint is coming I light-heartedly suggest that we put a limit on both of us having a therapeutic whine, and then we spend the rest of the time talking about more entertaining things because that might cheer us up. This does tend to work most of the time - I know it rankles her a bit as we had a conversation with a mutual friend and my friend made a remark along the lines of "oh, she's so odd, she sets time limits on our conversations!" but I just explained that seeing friends is about lots of things, its about a good old whinge, and talking through problems, and also having fun, and that if I see she is stressed then I want to cheer her up a bit. But, just like you said, I'm also doing it to avoid getting irritated by the repeated, negative conversation. My friend is a wonderful person and great fun to be around, but sometimes it seems to take quite a bit of work to bring that side out of her!

However, I also have another (very old school) friend who is constantly going on about her many relationship problems. She is long-term single, which (my fault) I find hard to relate to as I have been with DP since I was 21; but then she sleeps around, sometimes with no protection, and has 'friends-with-benefits' relationships with guys who just seem to be using her, but no matter how strongly I try to suggest that maybe she ought to not do some of this because it is obviously making her unhappy, she always carries on! We just don't have anything in common any more. But it all seems a bit of a petty reason to end a friendship... (I'll nick any suggestions on that front!)

Sorry, long waffle, but maybe with your friend give it one last chance by deliberately and obviously turning conversations around after a while to ones that a more 'fun', more about your shared interests?

[treadwarily]

Bella your time limits made me laugh, and very clever of you. I think I might try that when I'm feeling more energetic. Part of my wanting to fade away right now is that I don't get many breaks so when I do, I want to enjoy them and not get bogged down in someone else's misery.

I'll let you know if I come up with any clever ruses for ending long-term friendship-going-nowhere scenarios

[BellaCB]

If you don't get much time off then that is a perfect excuse to try that!

[MsVestibule]

I think most of us have a friend like this. My friend has a life limiting illness (not terminal, but very debilitating). I really, really feel for her, but after an hour of listening to her talk about her problems with her DH, DM and how has she's feeling, I just want to say "can we talk about me now, please?"!

I think she would like to show more interest in others, but doesn't have the emotional or physical energy for other people's lives.

Fortunately, I have caller ID .

But I often worry - am I one of "those" friends to somebody else .

So sorry, OP, no real advice, but given that she didn't give you any support during the one time you would have appreciated it, I think you should drop her, nicely. After you've told her how self obsessed and martyrish she is.

[treadwarily]

MsVestibule I think the fact you are aware of how you may come across probably means you are not one of "those" friends.

And I can understand you getting tired of hearing about your friend's problems. Was she like this before she was sick?

[youhavetobekidding]

Your friend could be a victim of domestic abuse. If that's the case, then victim blaming won't help her

[Windbeneathmybingowings]

I have the same friend. I am currently ghosting her because I cannot deal with giving her the same advice over and over again when she moans about her DH, only for her to flatly admit she wont ever leave. She's having affairs, she's in couples councelling and seems to thrive from him being "in the wrong", she tells me he is violent but conveniently forgets she has told the story so many times that I know the first version i.e. She was and is equally violent to him. It's a dead end relationship and yet every time we meet we dedicate 90% of the conversation to it. Ive had a terrible year so far. She hasn't once asked how I am and actually listened to the answer despite years of me listening. I'm done. So yanbu.