Is my husband being unreasonable?

[stroppyhusband]

I would really appreciate opinions on this issue. Sorry it's long!

Husband works full time, I dont work at all. He hates his job. I have looked for work to fit around children (no family to help) but no success. Did see early evening job advertised but H said "that means I will be stuck with the kids every night".

Our income had reduced as I used to work then claimed incapacity benefit (now stopped) as had breast cancer and other health probs.

have put loads of weight on due to medication. I'm swimming twice a week during the day and recently started couple exercise classes and slimming club in the evening. These are only 1 hour classes.

Husband has been moody for a few days about my "going out all the time".
First he questions the cost of the classes, I tell him the cost and say I will cut down on any luxuries I have, make up, hair cuts etc.

He then asks why should he be looking after the children after being at work all day. I tell him I will take them with me to the classes.

He then says that he might like to do some classes himself so I tell him go ahead. I've mentioned to him many times about doing something himself. He then says, how will I find the time to do some classes (?).

I then tell him okay I will stop slimming club and exercise classes. His response is "do what you like", and that I should discuss with him first about doing anything in the evening instead of just telling him about it.

Who is BU?

The children end up being caught in the middle of this. He tells me in front of them that I am being moody and that I read too much into what he says and that he has not asked me to give up anything. He then says that I am gaslighting him!!

Thanks

[scurryfunge]

I think you should go ahead with your plans for evening work- you will have more money and therefore more independence.

[knowitallstrikesagain]

You are both being a bit unreasonable. If you can afford the swimming and classes, my suggestion would be to stop these, and the luxuries as you call them, and find a part time job using this money to pay for childcare while you are working.
However, this means that any household jobs you do during the day would then have to be shared, meaning that he would still have less time in the evenings.
Slimming can be done at evening classes after DC are in bed, or by walking everywhere with DC.
He needs to decide whether you need the money, in which case he will have to do evening chores/childcare, or whether it is more important to him to have evenings free, in which case you are at home, But either way, I would look at trying to cut down on paid activities.
It sounds like a tricky situation, good luck working it out.

[cestlavielife]

soudns like he hates his job his children and maybe you...

does he spend any time with the children eg weekends?

does he like anything?

was he supportive thru your illness?
has he had help counselling to deal with his job-hatred?

[knowitallstrikesagain]

Before anyone bites me, the bit about using your income for childcare is not specifically saying that 'you' should pay for it, more that there will be more in the pot and you will have to consider whether then paying for childcare makes it worthwhile for you to work.

[redskyatnight]

Are your DC school age?
If so, why can't you do the classes during the day?

I do see your husband's point - he is stuck doing a job he hates, while you swan around all day (from his point of view), then you are out again 3 times in the evenings so he then has to look after the chlidren single handedly. An hour's class is more than an hour by the time you've got changed, gone there and back ...

Also guessing that the classes are on between 6-8 that's a hard time of day for a family as you are busy with meals/homework/baths/bedtimes. DH and I have mutually agreed that we will try not to be out more than once a week each at this time as it is harder to do everything by yourself.

I think you both need a chat about the working thing - it's unrealistic to expect a job to fit round the children, maybe a combination of husband going part time, you working part time and some childcare might be better for your family?

[stroppyhusband]

Thanks.

In response to your comments.

I dont think its all about the money as I look after the money, bills etc and we are not broke. We are also mortgage free.

He was very supportive through my cancer treatment. However after my last op when I couldnt cook, clean, iron etc, after a few weeks I think he started to resent it. He would say " I suppose I'll have to cook the childrens tea then). He did have two weeks off work at the time.

He doesnt really spend much time with the children. He's always saying they are annoying him, too loud etc. They are 11 and 6 and very well behaved. My 11 year old is very mature.

Prior to having children and me working full time, he was not happy when I would go out.

I do swimming in the day. The two evening classes I've only been doing for two weeks. I decided on the evening because I get to see my friends there (they work).

I cook the tea, do the childrens homework reading etc with them before I go out. I also get the little one bathed and ready for bed. The older one is usually doing something in her bedroom.

He's not really got any hobbies.

I have suggested we both find part time jobs.

[talking2myself]

I don't think it sounds like he hates his family, just his job. I had a similar reaction from my DH. I can see where they are coming from. They've just been at work all day and want to be catered to. We take off and leave them to it. I would probably have a similar reaction if I was working full time and my DH wasn't and wanted to go out often in the evening. You might have to compromise and go out less often or a more suitable time for him.

If evening work was a possibility for you, could you try to convince him it would be good for the family for him to look after the kids a few evenings for you to earn some money?

[Proudnscary]

He's being unreasonable, not you.

Get a job (I mean that in the nicest way!)

[knowitallstrikesagain]

Your last post puts things in a different light. I get the impression you don't feel emotionally supported by him.
If finances are not an issue, I am not sure why you have not looked for work during the day, you would only be paying for childcare before and after school anyway.
If he hates his job so much but does not have to rely on it for income, he needs to be proactive and change his profession. Although maybe he is worried in the current climate that he would not be able to get enjoyable part time work? This may be adding to his stress.
Either way, time for another conversation. Maybe write down beforehand what you want to do for your own enjoyment and then ask him if there is anything he would like to do in the evenings that you can accommodate. Also, check if he has any fears over moving jobs.
If it is his job that is contributing to his dislike of spending his free time in the evenings with the children, he will have to do something about it. If he just doesn't like being around them, that is a much more tricky problem to solve.

[stroppyhusband]

Thank you again.

He really does hate his job and is worried about finding another job. There isnt much available at the moment He also keeps on hoping that he might get redundancy. However, he has been at his job for many years, when there have been redundancies, its always the ones who have been there the least length of time who go.

I wasnt fit for work for quite a long time. I have actively been looking for work. I do think evenings would suit me best as I would be worried taking time off in the day as I have regular hospital appointments!

[LesserOfTwoWeevils]

He's being unreasonable. And he sounds generally unpleasant and selfish if not downright controlling.
They're his children too, of course he should spend some time looking after them. And they're big enough not to be much trouble anyway.
Does he expect you to be on child-minding duty 24/7?
You seem to be bending over backwards to keep him happy?you'll cut down on other costs, take DCs to classes with you, let him go to classes, etc?but whatever you say, it's wrong.

[cestlavielife]

"He doesnt really spend much time with the children. He's always saying they are annoying him, too loud etc"

that is very sad state of affairs.

even if he hates his job it does not explain why he doesnt like being around his own children. sorry.

not very nice for your children either - what do they think of him?
have you asked them to draw your family? where do they put dad? what is he doing in their pictures?

what about instigating family outings on a weekend?

i used to do everyhing as well in order to go out when i was with exP. feed them bath them etc - otherwise the fallout was too much and the moaning too much. but it really isnt sustainable long term.

sorry but just because you been at work doenst mean you shouldnt take care of /be with our chldren two or three nights a week let the SAHP have a life too. i did take care of the dc when i got home from work when with exP - (and when he was SAHP) nothing changed when i left him but i dont get the moans!

[Ephiny]

I can see his point of view about the job, I know from experience how miserable it is to be stuck in a job you hate.

But he seems to have a bit of a strange attitude towards the children. Being 'stuck with them all evening' after being at work all day? But surely you'd be equally 'stuck with them' during the day before going out to work in the evening? Why does he think that's acceptable for you but not for him? It's just a fact of life surely that when you're a parent of young children, most of your time is spent either at work or looking after them? Or does he think that's just for women?

[Ephiny]

And at that age the children are almost certainly aware of his attitude towards them...

[Paiviaso]

From the info you've given your husband sounds unhappy, and perhaps frustrated - but with no idea on how he can help himself overcome his bitterness?

The idea about you both working part time could be an excellent solution. As well as him spending some one on one time with each child so he feels more engaged with them? Basically some life changes in order to see if he can find some satisfaction with his work, etc. I don't know what to suggest though!

Good luck x

[ooer]

My experience is almost the opposite from you, in that I work full-time, DH works part-time and he is out several evenings per week. I am generally OK with that as he does look after DCs a lot when he is home. [Also they are my children and I shouldn't and don't object to caring for them!]

I do sometimes get a bit fed up - tends to be if he is out several days in a row and I am having to "do everything" - not that it's much, just cooking, dishes, baths, laundry, bedtime ... I think it's a question of degree.

In theory DH and I have equal rights on going out - we have a system whereby whatever is in the diary first, "wins". So all I have to do - if I want to go out - is block out a couple of evenings myself. But in practice I don't want to go out much.

Also, my children are loud and annoying in a way - but I love them dearly and want to spend time with them! The difficulty is in trying to pay attention to anything else when they are around ... which means in turn you have to just concentrate on them! No reading, telly etc.

I don't know what your DH's job is, but mine is pretty full-one, having to pay attention to what people are saying to me all day and sorting out things that they need; sometimes I just crave a bit of "me" time in the evenings.

So in short I can see where your DH is coming from but I think he is being a bit U - you have to work together on this one. It's up to you both to remember you are on the same side.

[cestlavielife]

also while the six year old might be demanding i imagine the 11 year old does her own thing - it is not like he has to bathe under fives or anything!

[gethelp]

He sounds a bit lost to me, does he have friends of his own? All of you have been through a big upheaval, and whereas you're moving forward positively he's floundering. Is there anyone he can talk to? Any chance of finding a family activity to do that you all enjoy? Even a one off day out can break a pattern.

[PinkAndPurplePirateGirl]

It sounds to me like he is depressed. Not that that's any excuse to behave in the obtuse way that he's behaving, but it might be the reason. Would he consider going to see the GP at all?

[stroppyhusband]

In response to the further comments,

he used to be quite hands on with the children. He was fantastic when they were babies, he got up in the night to feed them, changed nappies etc.

As he's got older he's turned into a Victor Meldrew character. He doesnt like noise at all but that's because he works in a noisy environment.

The 11 year old has said he is always moaning. When H is moaning to me, DD will quietly ask me not to say anything to him in case it escalates. Also if H says something and I defend myself, she will tell me he didnt really mean it.

If i'm going out DD has said on a number of occasions, "great, that means dad's going to be shouting at us all night".

We are going away for couple of days over easter so he will be spending time with the children. As for taking them to the park, he'll say he doesnt like it, if I suggest swimming, he'll say it's too much trouble.

DD is also performing at the weekend in a show and I have purchased tickets for him also to attend despite him saying that he doesn't like the theatre! DD really wants him to go. He wont also watch her perform in her orchestra as he doesnt like "that sort of music".

I do think he is depressed but he wouldnt do anything about it.

[lurkinginthebackground]

I don't think you are unreasonable.
I think it is perfectly fine to ego to exercise class 2/3 evenings per week.
You have offered to take the kids with you, or take him and yet he still moans.
I think the root of the problem is that he is unhappy at work every day. He then takes out his stress on his family which is unfair.
At 6 and 11 children are not hard work, it isn't as though you have 2 year old triplets.

[gethelp]

He's disengaging from you all. He needs to see someone about this before it gets worse.

[Ephiny]

I feel quite sad for your children having read that last comment :(

Things are going to have to change a lot if he wants to maintain any sort of good relationship with them as they grow up. Does he realise that?

[bushymcbush]

Also feel sad for your children. How unbelievably selfish to not go to her performances because it wouldn't be his usual choice of entertainment!

[BlueFergie]

He hates his job. It is making him so miserable he has become depressed. He is such a negative place he can't muster enthusiasm for anything or anyone. It is not you or what you are doing. No matter what you suggest he will have an obstacle. He will keep dragging you down. He sounds like he is very deeply depressed.
He needs to get a new job. I bet he hasn't even looked yet? And has a negative reason for why not. Nothing out there, no one will hire me, whatever.
This will not get better on its own. He needs to go to a GP first. Next you both need to move heaven and earth to get him out of that job. A job you hate will sap your soul. I have seen it happen. However do not let him give up altogether unless he has something new or addressed his depression because h could just sink into an abyss.
If he doesn't address it I am sorry to say your marriage will continue to be a horrible negative place.