to not invite my dad

[badtimesformoi]

namechanged, if any of you recognise please don't out me as its a very sensitive situation and its bugging me all the time.

My dad is religious, and doesnt drink or celebrate birthdays or celebrate Christman,Easter, etc you get the picture. Never a card or present not even for DC.
In the past he has not attended my sister birthday party because people were drinking and doesnt go to pubs etc.
The thing is I am having an engagement party in a few weeks and I havent really invited him

As much as he makes very little effort with family events he gets upset when he isnt Invited and makes you feel very guilty about it , my parents are seperated and I can see he doesn't want to be alienated, but I find it hard to see how you can alienate someone who you hardly see anyway .
And also i'm ashamed to say I get quite embarassed by him, he dressed scruffily and doesnt take good care of himself and will often talk about his religion incessantly and is a great cause of embarrassment to me. And I have to be honest a small part of me doesnt want him there to humiliate me on a special occasion especially as it seems he wants to pick and choose when he's part of this family.

I'm dreading the moment of when he finds out I havent invited him but the voice in my head is saying well he never comes or celebrates anything why should he expect it.The look on his face , urgh.

I'm a horrible bitch I know I am please be gentle. AIBU ??

[bowerbird]

Congratulations on your engagement! Sorry your dad is such a knob, and no you're not being a bitch, you're being incredibly honest in difficult circumstances. You sound a generous-hearted person.

At this point in your life, where you are about to begin life with your husband and possibly start your own family, you might want to ask yourself some hard questions (and possibly discuss with DP). How do you want to deal with your father in the future? Will you, for instance, want him at the wedding? Or at the birthdays of your children? How involved/uninvolved do you want him to be?

You have to live YOUR life, and are entitled to celebrate the good times and significant occasions without anyone putting a damper on it. Personally, I don't see how having him at your engagement party would be anything but stressful, embarassing and horrible. But maintain limited contact, leave the door open, and your heart, in the unlikely event that he changes.

All the best of luck!

[ShirleyKnot]

YANBU - BUT, I think I would invite him and then ring him up and tell that there will be lots of drinking and devil worship?

It's a tough one, do you think he'd actually come if invited?

[Nanny0gg]

Can't you invite him and then have a discussion about the dancing/buffet/drinking/present bringing so that he'll refuse?
(And ban him from the religion chat if he does actually come?)

[TheRhubarb]

Hang on, you said he doesn't normally attend these things so just tell him that people will be drinking and presumably he won't go?

I think it's sad you hold your father in so little regard. He may be odd and his dress sense may not be to your taste but he is still your father. My dad has a huge paunch, a very very strong Mancunian accent and a very gruff, blunt attitude. He wears the most inappropriate things (he lives in Scotland now so has a kilt and tartan trousers) and will often say the most inappropriate things, but rather than be embarrassed by him I'm actually rather proud that he doesn't conform to convention.

Your boyfriend is choosing to marry you for who you are and not for who your father is. His family are accepting you into their family, not your father. So what if he criticises people for drinking and dresses funny? Who hasn't got the odd eccentric in their family? It makes you seem all the stronger for having tolerated that and yet been strong enough to go your way in life.

I say invite him and if he comes, make sure he is welcomed and warn people jokily about your "eccentric" dad. If he doesn't come, then there's no problem is there?

[badtimesformoi]

Its nice that your so accepting rhubarb, but I would be dishonest if I said the possibility of him turning up scruffy and preaching religion doesn't make my stomach churn.

Hes unpredicatable and theres a tiny part in me thats scared he will turn up and embarass me. If I told him stop he probably wouldnt and make a scene.

[badtimesformoi]

Well thats another story , there is a strong possibility that he will refuse to 'give me away' due to the church not being his religious building.

thats a whole 'nother thread :/

thats an idea maryz. Thanks I may ask him.

[googietheegg]

I agree with bower. You sound lovely. You're allowed to start thinking a bit about yourself and your future family now, while trying to do the right thing by your dad where possible. Tbh it doesn't sound like your dad considers you all that much with his actions, so try not to feel too bad.

[TheRhubarb]

Do you communicate with your dad? Can you not tell him your fears and how important this is to you?

Thing is, sooner or later his family will meet your dad and if I were you, I would want that meeting to be in a controlled environment under my terms. So I would tell him that you are having a party, there will be drinking, it is a celebration and that he is free to come, in fact you'd love to have him, but that if he upsets you (use the word upset rather than embarrass) then you will ask him to leave and will even have him escorted out if it comes to it.

The way he is should be no reflection on you and I suspect that he only plays up because he knows that it DOES affect you. Make it clear that you accept him for who he is but that the only person he will embarrass is himself, instead you would be most upset if he does not give you the respect that you are giving him by inviting him and that his behaviour will dictate whether or not he even gets an invite to the wedding.

I'd rather he was at a party where his behaviour might be diluted, than at a meal which is much more intense.

[badtimesformoi]

I do sort of I don't see him much,

I couldn't really tell him without him being upset, even though I've said it before, i'll be the bad guy.

There was one particulat incident where i invited him to my dc birthday I got a text saying 'Oh If i'd have known it was birthday , I'm off to for a few days my coach is booked for today , sorry.

I was :O :O :O
so hes either telling fibs and deliberately went away on that day to avoid 'the pressure to come.
Or actually forgot his grandchilds birthday, he can't remember how old I am.

[TheRhubarb]

I don't get it sorry. You are embarrassed by him and yet when he doesn't turn up, instead of being relieved by that you are upset?

My dad never remembers my birthdays either, hey ho.

Look, if he can get upset then he can surely understand it if you get upset. You don't have to be the bad guy, you just tell him that you would love for him to come but that his behaviour can sometimes upset you and as this is a very important occasion you are asking him to be on his best behaviour and just be polite. It's not banning him from talking about his religion, it's asking him not to make a scene or else you will have to carefully consider the wedding invitations.

[Pagwatch]

I would ask him. We all have family members who are embarrassing. Hiding him is just delaying the inevitable.
Do you feel a bit fragile about him? I have one relative who is just vile, aggressive and unpleasant. I have another who is 50 plus and dresses like a hooker. But the people I like don't judge me because of them. The people who woukd judge, I don't care about.

I really recognise it is awkward and uncomfortable. But that is the whole families and formal occasions things.

[badtimesformoi]

not so much upset,

he gets upset when hes not invited, but doesnt acknowledge birthdays he very good at making me 'feel bad' which results in me probably being quite manipulated to keep that door open , when my life would probably be quite less stressful If I just shut it.

But does he remeber how old you are rhubard??

I wish I could be as tolerant as you Rhubarb, I feel like I don't have the energy.

[badtimesformoi]

I do feel fragile, yes there is the worry that certain people will think badly of me once they meet him.

[badtimesformoi]

I like Maryz idea i will try that.

[Pagwatch]

Ah. Then that makes more sense. If you feel fragile then it is hard to be rational.
I still do think you should invite him. But your apprehension makes sense.
Could you talk to other family about it? What does your fiancée to be think?

[TheRhubarb]

No he doesn't remember how old I am, neither do I remember how old he is. He doesn't know the ages of my kids either. I rarely see him.

I understand your feelings and trust me, I was just as nervous when dh's family met my dad for the first time. He didn't have his teeth in and was as gruff and working class as I expected him to be. Dh's dad is an ex-Mayor and was a conservative councillor and I've had to endure slight digs and jokes about my background. But at least my dad is honest and true to himself, unlike my mother who would pretend to be all middle class and nice but who actually can't wait to stab me in the back and is a deceptive and highly disturbed individual.

My dad is my dad and I cannot change him nor would I want to. However it has taken me a few years to get to this point. I'm now at the age where I no longer give a shit what people think of me, if they want to judge me because of my dad then they are shits themselves.

My sister and I joke about visiting my dad as apparently he has made a name for himself and it's not a flattering one. They see him as a moaning, whining Englishman who is forever asking for favours and complaining. We want to get t-shirts made up for when we visit saying "I'm not with him!" or "I'm adopted - honest!"

Make a joke of it and it will diffuse the situation. I'm sure your boyfriend's family have their own embarrassing relative who they would rather you didn't meet. My now dh did and I did meet him and he was much worse than my dad - he started telling me how much I looked like dh's mum and how she was having an affair! He was proper working class too and they tried to hide him, so when he did get loose he went into overdrive!

Go with the flow, relax and warn them beforehand.

[Nagoo]

I think it is unreasonable to be offended that he doesn't remember birthdays and ages. I am an organised person in general, but I am SHIT at birthdays. I have a vague idea when my niece's birthdays are, but not the exact day, TBH. I still have problems remembering my mum's birthday, since I had a friend at school when I was about 7 who's birthday was the day before (or after, I have a block on that ) You can choose to be offended about the birthday, and you have chosen to be. This looks to me like you are trying to regain some moral high ground but you can't rest on that argument.

I wouldn't invite him to the party. I would want to have a nice time. If there is any possibility he will find out you had a party, then tell him about it, but say it is for friends or whatever. Do what Maryz said, and arrange a dinner for 'family'.

[badtimesformoi]

Nagoo, do you think its acceptable to forget how old your own child is?

When its due to sheer I cba, rather than like a head injury.

He doesnt celebrate anything I think its quite hypocritical for him to get upset about getting invited when he doesnt make much effort ,I feel thats him picking and choosing when he wants to be part of the family. He often uses his religion as a reason to not do these things, but I feel its something to hide behind. I'm pretty sure some muslims celebrate birthdays.

[badtimesformoi]

Yeah pagwatch I know I should be more well hes my dad , but its hard.

[Pagwatch]

I don't think you should be 'oh well he's my dad'. I have a sister who I don't speak to and hope never to see again. But that is because she did some unforgivable things, not because she is a bit crap and embarrassing.

I just think you are over emphasising how awful he is in your mind when most people know we all have relatives that are embarrassing and grim.
Would you think worse of your friends if you met their father and he was an arse? Most people wouldn't.

[badtimesformoi]

My mum and dad had a very nasty marriage and nast seperation, being in the same room with them even for 10 mins is horrible.

I could just say you don't drink, and I'm not spending my engagment party in a room with you and my mum. So why don't we go for a meal another day??.

[badtimesformoi]

He didnt go to my sisters birthday in a pub function room as he said he couldn't for religious reasons, my worry is that if he comes to this one I will be confronted with the hypocrisy, and that really bugs me for some reason.

[Pagwatch]

Oh it's difficult. You have lots of things coming to the fore I think. I don't know what to suggest. I guess you need to think about what you want your relationship with him to be in 10 years time, what you want you dcs to think of him.
I think if you can avoid it, modelling a distant and resentful relationship with a parent is a bad idea. And I say that as someone whose dc didn't see their grandparents for 9 years.