To be absolutely fuming that he let his ex rummage through my stuff??

[OffMilk]

Im due to move in with my partner over the easter hols. In preparation I've started moving a few non-essentials over there, such as my "art stuff" and a collection of art work I have done over the years, mainly when I was a teenager. We put it all in a cupboard in his kitchen.
I was over there yesterday and DPs son was there and he started off by saying he loved some of the comic stuff I drew when I was younger. I thanked him and said he was free to use any of my art stuff as I rarely get the time anymore. He then said "oh, you should have heard my mother on wednesday, she came over and she was critising everything you'd done, she's like that sometimes, it annoys me". So I was like "how did she see my stuff? it's all away in the cupboard" so he said "oh dad had mentioned that you'd brought some stuff and she asked to look at it and then just spent ages going through your drawings and saying how unprofessional they were". So I was already angry at this point, not because of what she'd said (of course they were unprofessional, I was 16!) but at the fact that DP had let her rummage through my personal things.

So I got DP alone and asked what had happened and he put on an un-genuine disproved face and said "oh yeah she was going through all your art stuff and criticising it". I said "well why the hell did you allow her to do that?? and didn't you defend me in anyway or were you ok with her slagging me off to you like that" and he looked uncomfortable and said "well I didn't think it was worth an argument".

I now have visions of the two of them sat there criticising my stuff together with poor DSS looking on disapprovingly.

Am I over-reacting?? can't believe he let her go through my private stuff!

[chipsplease]

Thats weird. You sure about moving in with him?

[Sparklingbrook]

So when you do move in will she be in the wardrobe criticising your clothes and perfumes?

[Proudnscary]

I don't think it's as big a deal as you are making out, though I appreciate it felt weird and intrusive.

All I'm really thinking about is your partner's ds though.

Way to make him feel stressed/tense/awkward at a difficult time for him!

[Alliwantisaroomsomewhere]

I would be highly fucked off if I were you.

[Sparklingbrook]

How old is DP's son? Why does his ex go round?

[OlympicEater]

I'd be so annoyed at that. Time for a discussion about boundaries.

As in she needs to respect that it is now your home and he needs to stick up for you

[Dustinthewind]

He sounds spineless, I doubt he was actively involved in the judging, just allowed her to dominate and go past the usual boundaries. How long were they together and how far in the past is the breakup?
It sounds as if you have got some tough choices ahead, setting up some rules and limits to what is OK and what is not if it is to be your home as well as your partner's. Your partner sounds a pushover, so you may have to stand on your own two feet to show him how it's done if he's used to complying to avoid an argument.
Will the son be living there too, or does he live with his mother?

[runningwilde]

Why was she there and he was disrespectful to you. Warning bells...

[NeshBugger]

After you move in does your DP assume his ex will be 'popping round' out of interest? Does she?

[flossiebella]

YANBU. I'd be apoplectic.

Who is she anyway? Unless she is Tracy Emin/Damien Hirst/Judge for The Turner Prize her opinion counts for zip.

[NarkedPuffin]

That's a hell of a warning to have a conversation about boundaries before you move in.

[Proudnscary]

'ex is obviously a jealous bitch' - delightful, absolutely delightful

[Nyac]

Don't move in. He sounds like a waste of space.

[Dustinthewind]

It depends what sort of relationship the original couple have with each other, if she's used to popping round, does she have a key?
How old is the boy, she could be very nosy indeed and dress it up as worrying about the new relationship and its impact on her son.

[Sparklingbrook]

Does the Ex have a key by any chance?

[Dustinthewind]

It's really a lot simpler to be single OP. You seem to be heading for a zone with a lot of left luggage around.

[Spuddybean]

I would be furious OP. On 2 levels really. The going through your stuff whatever it was and being allowed to do so, and then the critiquing of your (teenage) work. I know i get cross when people do that with mine which is why it is away (like yours was!).

I would also be angry with the wimpy 'not worth the argument' response. Totally unacceptable. And i would also be livid he couldn't see what the big deal was.

I would make sure he realises how upset you are and aknowledges your boundaries. i'm actually quite angry now on your behalf.

[3littlefrogs]

Time to rethink the moving in plan IMO.

He has let her do it once. He is not prepared to argue or disagree with her over anything.

It sounds as if he isn't ready for a new relationship, and I certainly wouldn't be wanting to move into his home knowing that his ex wife was in and out of the house and didn't respect my privacy.

Consider it a lucky early warning.

[OracleInaCoracle]

how old is his DS?

[FizzyLaces]

I would not like this one bit. My dd's Dad had a key to mine and nipped in to get stuff she has forgotten and once texted me to ask whether I planned to do any housework [embarrassed] He no longer has a key .

It does sound like there's a lot of baggage here OP and it seems like they are teaming up against you which will not do. If there have to be sides, he should take yours, not his ex's.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

3littlefrogs

"He is not prepared to argue or disagree with her over anything."

That is a really big jump and we don't know that.

We also don't know the full story behind the rummaging through stuff.

Was the DP in the room?
Did the ex drag the stuff out or did the DSS grab a load of it and show her?
Are comments being taken out of proportion?
What was the DP's and Exs relationship like?

there is far to little information to call him spineless and for calling the ex a jealous bitch.

[3littlefrogs]

OP said that the ex spent ages going through the stuff and crticising it while the DP was there, and he didn't make any attempt to stop her.

That sounds a bit spineless to me. Just my opinion.

[letseatgrandma]

Take this as a warning sign-I wouldn't be moving in!

Art stuff does seem an odd choice of thing to move in first though. Have you been getting up anyone's nose by saying how good you are at art and sent them round to show off? Stuff I did when I was a child is generally boxed up in the loft!

[PomBearAtTheGatesOfDawn]

Get the comic book stuff framed and gift it to your DPs son. Does he have his own room at DPs place? Let him hang it on the walls, or attach it to the ceiling or whatever he wants to do with it. Don't say anything about her at all, it's not fair to the lad to end up in the middle, and it's not his fault his mother has been so nosy and rude. She's probably jealous of you and this was a way she could "have a little dig" and have a little nosy. Your DP probably really didn't think it was that big a deal you know, "they're pictures, for people to look at, why would you mind someone looking?" type thing. It probably just never occurred to him how upset you'd be. You are the one he's with, you're the one moving in, and his ex might be desperately worried about the effect on her son, and possibly having to give up any faint, well hidden hopes of a reunion between them. I know it's nothing to do with you really, and you aren't obliged to give a flying fuck about her feelings, but maybe you could just let this one go with asking/telling DP that you are upset, and will he please not let her do it again... life's too short, and you have what you want - you have him and she doesn't.