About My Mum's Drinking

[Hecubasdaughter]

Last year I had to go to a course for work and was going to be back late. My mum said she would collect DD from school and stay with her until I got home. I spoke to her in the morning and she was fine. Got a call from the school that afternoon to say dd hadn't been collected. Called my mum and she was very drunk with no idea of the day or time. I managed to get DD collected and left early (very embarassed having to explain that). Then got stuck in 3hr tailback because of an accident. It was a very stressful day so I decided not to rely on my mum any more.

She spent the year moaning at me to let her help with DD and saying it's my fault she drinks as I stress her out. 2 weeks ago I had to take dd2 to the dr and the only emergency appointment I could get was 3pm. The school is directly across from the health centre so I caved in and asked my mum to collect dd1 and bring her across to meet us. I figured that it wouldn't put too much pressure on her but when I called my mum at ten to 3 she was very drunk again. Had to cancel the appointment at the last minute to collect dd1. Next morning my mum called as she had just remembered she was supposed to collect dd and didn't know where she was.

I decided I was right the first time and shouldn't rely on her. She has spent the last 2weeks going on at me about how distespectful I am not to trust her and begging me to let her baby sit but I won't.

She can't seem to have just a drink but is either sober or fall down drunk. Often she gets drunk when she has to do something to the point of blacking out.

[ripsishere]

No, YANBU on any level. Your Mother needs to sort herself out if she has any chance of being responsible for her GC.

[Eglu]

You need to be very firm back to her and tell her quite clearly that it is her fault she drinks not anybody elses. She has proved to you twice now that she can't be relied on and you will not trust her again, and it is her problem not yours.

[HalfPastWine]

If she harps on how disrespectful you are then remind her of the incidents above which you have described to us. She needs help and until she gets it then she is not capable or should be trusted with the care and safety of children.
You are not to blame for her drinking, she is. She has issues and she needs to speak to someone about them.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this, it isn't a nice to see someone close suffering with alcoholism.

[AceOfBase]

You don't need that kind of influence around your dds. Yadnbu. It's horrible when a loved one is so self destructive. You are a good person to have given her a second chance in the first place but there cannot be any more. None of this is your fault btw. She needs to sort herself out for you to have her in your life

[Hecubasdaughter]

I made her a GP appointment but she told the GP she didn't really drink and that I'd made the appointment as I had issues. I'll admit I don't drink but I don't want to end up in her state.

When she pours herself a drink she uses a pint glass so has at least 6 units of spirits per drink.

[FabbyChic]

Get tough tell her she is an irresponsible grand parent and cannot be trusted, that she is a pisshead and needs to sort herself out before you will consider handing over any responsibility for your child.

[mumsachocoholic]

YANBU. your mum needs to sort herself out.. and she cannot be blaming you for her drinking. she needs to take responsibility for herself first before i would trust her with a child. stand your ground and keep pushing her to get some help.

[Tigerstripes]

I suspect the GP saw through that excuse but what they say is true: you can't help someone until they admit they have a problem. As a child of an alcoholic mum myself who now has no contact with her, I know this firsthand. And YADNBU to not leave your DD with your mum again. This is not your fault, it is HERS. Don't let her make you believe otherwise.

[PacificDogwood]

You cannot make her not drink.
There is NO point in making dr's appointment for her if she does not want to change her drinking. I am saying this as a GP btw - one of the hardest things for families of alcoholics is that there is nothing you can do until the person in questions wants help. Check out Al-anon, it's the AA organisation specifically for people affected by other people's drinking. Go to a local meeting.

Your responsibility is towards your DCs. Never trust an alcoholic to deliver what they are promised. You need to give the benefit of the doubt to your children's safety. Hard, but there you have it.

[AceOfBase]

:( do you think contact is helping either of you? It's a terrible situation, I know, believe me. My lovely big brother was a heroin addict for many years and it eventually killed him. I withdrew my support and family as i didn't want that person (who was not my brother anymore, just a shadow) near my kids and after years of being used and loving him I couldn't watch anymore. It hurt. But he got clean. Unfortunately his body was damaged and gave up before he did.

[blueballoon79]

YANBU, My sons father was an alcoholic and would tell me the exact same things that your Mum is telling you-that it was my fault he drank as I nagged him too much and he felt stressed out by it.

He would also get so drunk that he would forget to pick my son up from appointments and I couldn't rely on him whatsoever.

I tired getting him help, but he would not stop drinking and I had to end the relationship.

Unfortunately it's only when the alcoholic admits they have a problem that they will actually do anything about it. My sons father never did and he died two years ago due to his alcoholism.

You are right not leave the care of your children to your Mother, an alcoholic is not capable of caring for a child properly and also it is very scary for children to be around someone who is very drunk.

I would tell your mother quite firmly that you cannnot trust your children to her care when she is drinking so heavily.

[Spagbolagain]

YANBU at all. It's not just that she couldn't be relied on to pick up your child, how much worse if she had remembered and then been very drunk whilst in loco parentis.

I agree your responsibility is towards your children. Unless you get a commitment from your mum that she is seeking help, and that you see it in action, I wouldn't be entrusting her with children. And it would take some time to offer that proof and to build up the trust IMO.

[YouOldSlag]

It's tough love time by the sound of it.

Your Mum is very unfair to blame her drinking on you, but a lot of alcoholics can't or won't take responsibility for themselves. It is NOT your fault.

I would put some space between you and let her cool off. She needs a wake up call and not seeing you or her GC might be it.

You are completely in the right on this one and don't let her try and tell you any different.

[QuietNinjaLamp]

I told me mum she would never look aft er my ds without me being there cos I couldn't trust her not to drink. He is too important to me to risk. You should do the same. Don't accept excuses or blackmail.