to be sad (wedding related)

[Archemedes]

Be gentle please I saw another thread like this where th OP got torn a new one to an unecessary point.
It seems that weddings seem to bring out the worst in everyone, I dunno wht this is surely the one time to put aside differences is a wedding or at least pay lipservice and whinge later like normal people.
I made someone chief bridesmaid purely out of proximity and one of my oldest mates has been put out of joint by it.Even though they live far away and have a very demanding career.
A relative of mine has been in a humpf since january because I wont uproot my big day over 200 miles away, for their convinience.

My friend is getting married, due to budget its a family only one in the day anyway. I'm getting married in a few years time and she will hopefully be an active part of mine, planning etc.
I feel quite sad I'll miss all of the pre planning little bits that girl mates do, the dress buying and then finally most of the big day itself.
She is one of my bridesmaids and I dunno feel like maybe I put too much significance on our friendship as awful as that sounds.
Plus i'm scared i'm irratating my OH mates with wedding talk , and I try not to talk to much but its like with anything like baby talk the more you think I won't mention it too much this time? you do. I'm struggling TTC atm an I find it a welcome distraction from that and my DS refuses to toilet train and I always hear this is the happiest time of my life and I just feel incredibly numb and empty. Sorry to whinge.

[AKMD]

Um. You are getting married in a few year's time? Why all this angst then?

[EirikurNoromaour]

You sound a bit too into your wedding considering it is in a few years time! Your friend is having a family only do, no reflection on your friendship. Your relatives sound pains. Sorry you feel sad!

[bettyboo83]

Why have you asked people to be bridesmaids, etc if you aren't getting married for a few years? You say it was a proximity thing but you or her may have moved by then!

[Conflugenglugen]

Archemedes - a direct, but gentle question from me, and I'm hoping it makes sense:

Is this really about a wedding, whether your friend's or yours? It really feels to me like the wedding story is something that is more easy to focus your hurt on, but that the real source of your feelings lies elsewhere ...

[BackforGood]

Not sure why you've asked bridesmaids if you aren't getting married for a few years ?
Nor, come to that, angsting about it ?

[SoupDragon]

I have no idea what you think your problem is.

[nizlopi]

Dunno, based on what you've said your friend sounds a lot more mature than you. Getting married in a few years? Lol.

[squeakytoy]

Sorry, but I have absolutely no idea what you are asking..

[trixie123]

as you said, people do seem to get their knickers in a twist about weddings and I'm afraid you seem to be joining them. If you have not even set a date yet, and its over a year away, talking to anyone about it in any detail is going to be a bit pointless and why on earth would your OH's friends (I am assuming male) want to know? Most men aren't bothered about the finer details of their own (and by that I mean anything beyond time and place ). Wedding, baby and diet talk is utterly utterly tedious (right up there with other peoples' holidays). It does sound like you are generally a bit low and hoping to latch onto these various wedding as high spots but everyone has to do it in their own way, just as you are having it in a location that is annoying to some, your friends are doing their own thing which is annoying you - I imagine she feels just as you do about any negative feedback she is getting. You mention the toliet-training in passing but I imagine that is getting you down - how old is your DC? Can you leave it a while? All in all, put your own wedding on the backburner, say nice things to your friend (and can you not go shopping with her even if you're not at the ceremony?) and try and get to the bottom of what is really upsetting you.

[PeppyNephrine]

I'd say you are definitely irritating people with your wedding talk, if you aren't getting married for years.

[Gumby]

I recommend a 6 month engagement
Means you can get on with organising straight away & you don't have months , or years, of angst

[Bearcrumble]

Oh dear, you shouldn't really have posted in AIBU. I'm not going to be horrible because you're obviously feeling a bit vulnerable but you need to work out what is upsetting you (and in what order - what's the most pressing thing on your mind - the wedding in 2 years time or your current lack of TTC success?).

Is there something current you can focus on?

Today is all that exists and if you are concentrating too much on things that are some way into the future (and even things that may never happen) you're not going to be happy in the now if you see what I mean.

What good things have you got going on now? What's exciting you apart from your wedding? Do you work? Do you stay at home with your DS? Surely you must have other topics of conversation apart from a pretty far into the future wedding? You really should have. I'd be pretty firm with myself if I were you and not talk about this wedding to anyone until say 6 months beforehand unless they ask you directly or are people that you need to talk to to book things - ie photographer, venue, dress person.

[mockingjay]

why ask your bridesmaids so far in advance? all sorts can happen in a few years.

i do get what you mean though, weddings do bring out the worst in a lot of people. i was annoyed at one recently - i'd travelled around the world to be there and all the speakers congratulated several other guests on travelling from places much closer than mine! i don't know why this annoyed me so much, because i wanted to be there and didn't need a speech recognising the effort! in short, i think weddings can be strangely emotional days and it would be better if they were private affairs

[cwtch4967]

A few years to plan your wedding and you are this wound up already?

I think you need to get a grip on things or your going to crack up. The more time people take to plan a wedding the more scope for falling out / interfering relatives etc etc etc

I did mine in less than 6 months and had very little hassle!!

[lisaro]

Carry on like that and I'd take bets you don't even get married.

[giantfrillypigpants]

I had to re-read this because I fell asleep half way throught the first time.

[mumeeee]

Why are you choosing bridesmaids and worrying about your wedding now? You are not getting married for a few years and all this seems way to early to me.

[maybenow]

your friends could all live in different places, have different careers and different families in 'a few years'... not to mention that friendships ebb and flow.
it's very silly to choose bridesmaids and maids of honour already.

[feedmefeedmenow]

why cant you do all the girly shopping, planning stuff with your mate even if you wont be invited to the do

doesnt cost owt to help her with the shopping, choosing planning does it

[Ephiny]

I'm sorry you're feeling so unhappy, but I'm a bit confused by the situation and what the exact problem is here. I agree with others that if you're not intending to get married for several years, you really don't need to be getting so stressed about the details of the wedding at the moment, there is plenty of time for things like choosing bridesmaids, shopping for dresses etc. And there's a good chance that the people who are upset with you now will have gotten over it by the time of the wedding!

Of course, weddings being what they are, someone else will probably take offence at something else...but sometimes you just can't please everyone, especially those making unreasonable demands like your relative.

The important things you need to do well in advance are choose a date and book the venue/registrar, as these are the things that get booked up, especially if you want a summer Saturday. No huge rush even with that though if you're looking at a few years ahead, and the other stuff can definitely wait!

(Not sure if you are already, but if you post on the relevant forums, you might be able to get some advice and support with the other issues, e.g. TTC and toilet training, no useful advice myself, but there are lots of people here who will have been through the same things. )

[cookielove]

I read it, that you are sad that a friend you are having as a bridesmaid isn't having you as a bridesmaid, but it really isn't tit for tat and you should be happy for her.

Also with a wedding so far away, i really wouldn't sweat the small things, it will all happen when it happens.

And families are really annoying when it comes to weddings, take a deep breath and calming smile and nod your head, then do whatever you want.

[SarahBumBarer]

I think long engagements with huge amounts of time to plan the perfect day bring out the worst in most brides. If you're getting married in a few years you have to get over talking about it all the time. You will be an absolute Bridezilla and by the time you do get married your DH will have learned to tune you out

[BabyDubsEverywhere]

Just marking my place, this sounds nuts

[LilacWaltz]

You are ttc?? Oh, things will change alright!!

[MorrisZapp]

Me too.