AIBU to tell my dh to just get a grip and stop moaning for once - depression related, massive rant.

[Dirtydishesmakemesad]

He works from home, he has a office downstairs. He is ALWAYS saying he cant concentrate. Today for example my oldest is ill, the three youngest are home (one has teacher training day the others are preschool age). He has done nothing for weeks but moan about how he cant get started with work, he cant concentrate, he cant "get into it". He states various problems from the children being around (sorry they live here?) to the fact I have had to go to the hospital which involves him taking roughly an hour to look after them.
He does however spend 90% of the day in his office - he gets up to sit there and stays there until bedtime. The children are in bed by 7pm and asleep he sits at the computer until midnight.

He has a history of depression and all he does is sit staring at the screenm he has a list of work which i have helped him do - he has plenty of work in. He just doesnt do it. Perhaps he does find it hard to concentrate but then again so would I if i spent all day "organizing my music" or the like.

I am 38 weeks pregnant, I have a cold/chesty thing, my blood pressure is high and I am getting induced on monday. He has been so much better recently with the depression issues but now it seems like hes decided as things seem a bit hard he is going to just shut down again.

I know there are people reading this saying wow what an uncaring bitch dirtydishes is doesnt she realise depression is an illness - but at this point it just feels like a cop out - too much for him, leave it to me.

He wont talk about the birth, in fact i dont even think he will be there so would i be unreasonable to just tell him that i just dont care how he feels - he needs to get on with work as this is the only thing he is responsible for at the moment.

sorry for the massive rant but i havent really got anyone in real life to rant to!

[WorraLiberty]

I feel for you

Depression by it's very nature is a 'selfish illness' and all too often the focus/sympathy is on the person suffering from it.

Trouble is, there's always more than one person who actually suffers and it's not just the person who's actually depressed.

Is there any way he could rent a cheap office outside the home?

Perhaps that might make him more work focused if he had to actually leave the house every day and return home at certain fixed times? He might get more work done by keeping to a timetable?

[OffMeTrolley]

Leave the bastard

[Tryharder]

I agree with you. Yes, depression is an illness but I also believe people can be depressed and miserable without actually being ill. And yes, only they can make the decision to "snap out of it" or at least put some strategies in place to overcome it.

I think you need to sit down with your DH and ask him what he is going to do to make his life/work situation better.

[HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer]

Worra has given good advice.

I sympathise, OP. My DH went through a phase of depression last year, it must have lasted 4 or 5 months. During that time he totally opted out of family life and wouldn't do a thing to help in the house or with the children. He wouldn't even go and give the DCs a kiss goodnight once they were in bed. I remember DD2 asking him to read her a story once and he just said "No, I don't want to". He totally changed from a loving, hands on dad into a stranger.

He refused to go to the GP or arrange to see a counsellor and in the end I had to lay it on the line to him that whilst I understood he was depressed (I have suffered from depression before too but always got help), we were a family and he was at risk of losing us all if he didn't do anything to help himself. In the end he snapped out of it. I really don't know if I could go through it all again, not with him refusing to get any help, it was horrible to deal with and made our house a horrible place to be.

Has your DH sought any help at all? What I found worked for me was ignoring DH when he was acting very down and moody. Not in an unsympathetic way but more of a "focus on the children" kind of way. So if we got up and he was in a horrible mood, I would bundle the children in the car and we'd go and have a day out, as staying at home only made the rest of us feel sad too. Or if he started ranting and raving at me I would just ignore him like you ignore a tantrumming child and just let him get over it.

Hugs to you

[YouOldSlag]

Sympathy here OP. I have had Depression myself many years ago, and more recently my DH has had it. I sympathise with anyone who has it.

However, my sympathy here lies more with you than with your DH. there are children and pregnant woman involved here and he is veering on the self indulgence side.

Does he have medication for it? MY DH is a different person since he took ADs and we are back on track again. Sometimes with Depression it's easier to stay in your comfort zone and to shut yourself away, however, you and the kids need him and he needs to step up to the plate now.

With my DH I told him to go and live somewhere else or get medical help. It's not fair on the kids to have a black cloud and an atmosphere and a detached parent. Depression can be treated. It's unfair of the sufferer not to seek help and solutions.

My DH chose to get medical help and it helped enormously. He is the man I married again and he is "back in the room" metaphorically speaking.

YANBU at all. You need him and he needs help. I'd be out of patience by now.

[Chubfuddler]

Being self employed, particularly working in the home, can be very isolating. The fact he spends vast unproductive hours in the home office suggests he struggles with separating work and home. My Dh was the same. He now rents an office a short drive away and the cost has been recouped ten times over by his increased productivity.

[tryingtoleave]

That sounds awful. He needs to set clear (short) working hours. If you know you have all day to do something it can be hard to get started.

[Chubfuddler]

My sympathy for anyone suffering any illness is limited if they fail to seek treatment or follow medical advice, I have to say.

[YouOldSlag]

Hexagonal- you just described last summer in our house word for word. We are better now, but that exact scenario was us. I totally sympathise and admire your handling of it.

[Chubfuddler]

Sorry to keep posting, just wanted to add Dh has also been able to reduce his working hours as well as increasing productivity.

[HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer]

Thank you YouOldSlag I hope things have improved for you now too. Is your DH any better?

[LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite]

How much of this is depression, and how much is him being a natural procrastinator?

What steps is he making to try and improve the situation? It's all well and good venting at you (people do need someone to listen to them), but why should he expect you to bear the brunt of his dis-satisfaction without actively trying to resolve things. Sometimes it's hard to help those who are not prepared to help themselves.

Is he aware of regular times when he is productive? For instance, if he manages to get stuff done in the evenings, is it worth him only going 'into the office' on those hours. I think the room may now have lost it's association with working, so a good way to re-enforce that is to only go into it when he knows he will actually be able to do something.

[OrmIrian]

Working from home and depression is a dire combination. It really is.

He needs to see his docto if he hasn't already. It might not be depression but if it is the GP may suggest something to help

[YouOldSlag]

Hexagonal- dramatically better thank you. He takes ADs and has left a job that was bringing him down. He is the man I married again, kind, loving, attentive, but it's hard to believe how different he was when depressed: hostile, silent, brooding, angry. Awful. I call it "his evil twin"!

[Dirtydishesmakemesad]

Thanks for the replies- he had a pretty major bout of depression a few years back, he was briefly on medication but stopped . He quit his job and started working for himself and tbh things have been ok.
It's only the last few months when I has been less able to just deal with things that I have really noticed things are worse again.
There is no way he would go to the doctors at this point, he has another fairly minor medical problem he could probably do with seeing a doctor about ( skin problem is all) and had refused so I have pretty much washed my hands of it tbh. It's down to him now.

He has looked at offices but the cost plus the fact he would actually have to go each day would I think be a problem, I know the way he gets and sometimes I have to actually sit next to him to get him to do anything at all which is where the problem has started this time in that I just don't want to anymore.

I keep getting these images in my head of me pushing the baby out and him standing next to me going "but how do you think I feel hmm?" and having a little giggle to myself about how silly it's all getting now.

I am thinking at this point I'll just call him when it's over tbh. I chose a name I'm sure he'll hate it but hey ho

[PosiePumblechook]

What about a room swap, put a bedroom where his office is and put him somewhere out of the way?

[cestlavielife]

nothng you say will change him - he has to seek help.
my exP was like this.
is he on medication?
if no he needs to go to GP and do the depression quesitonnaire and discuss meds or/and therapy.

living with someone wih depression is about boundary setting you have to take charge on some level.
and also ultimatums - he seeks help or you dont put up with it.

depression is an illness but is his illness not yours. he has to own it. you can suppport him thru it but you cannot treat or cure it. you can also set clear boundaries and ask him to give bite-sized support to you and dc that he agrees he can cope with.

have you got other support for when baby is born?
can you sit with him and agree how much he will help, what he can cope with so you know where you are/where you will be?

read depression fallout
www.amazon.co.uk/How-Survive-When-Theyre-Depressed/dp/0609804154?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[scarletfingernail]

Sounds a horrible situation for you all to be in.

I think seperating work from home would be best all round. He's obviously struggling to focus on work while life goes on around him, and him being there all day is having a negative effect on you both.

It's possible to rent-a-desk in a shared office environment, prices for this can be very low depending on where you live.

I hope things improve soon and best wishes for Monday.

[PosiePumblechook]

I also thnk you could insist that he sees the GP, as this affects you.

[WorraLiberty]

He sounds incredibly selfish but only you know if that's 'him being him' or if it's the depression I suppose.

[GrownUp2012]

He really needs to be doing something proactive to deal with his lack of concentration and the depression causing it.

Is he taking medication? It could help with concentration levels. He could speak to his GP.

I would also say that perhaps he needs to work less, but do more. So sit down and write a list of what he needs to do, then work half days and actually achieve something, instead of reinforcing the thoughts and feelings that he cannot concentrate to work and spending long, unproductive days making himself feel worse.

You need to be frank with him about how his illness is affecting you, and supportive of him being proactive, but don't enable him with this current behaviour. Could he try a change of scenery and go and work somewhere like a library or coffee shop? He needs to kick start the work, to feel better about things, and if current approach is not working, he needs to try something else.

I am the person in my relationship with mental illness and I can absolutely see how much it affects the other person, so my sympathy to you, I'm such a pain in the arse to deal with when I am ill. I prefer people being tough and less sympathetic but supportive of my being able to get better, than I do just sympathy and them enabling me to continue being ill. Not at the time, but when I am well enough to see it they get my thanks.

[Dirtydishesmakemesad]

It's not like him at all normally - even now he has moments where the "old" him is there . We have been together since we were 16 and have been happy for most of that time. Last time he was depressed it was different totally different symptoms I just worried for him more than anything this time it's harder to worry because he seem ok until he has to do something he doesn't want so it feels almost like he is choosing it - if that makes sense

[HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer]

youoldslag, yes you have hit the nail on the head! Evil twin! That's exactly what my DH was like. It's' almost scary in a way when they get like that and it's scary to watch their usual personality disappear.

Glad your DH is back to normal now. My DH also left a job he didn't like and got one he enjoys much more, even though oddly this new one is longer hours and much more stressful. I think that work played a lot to do with how he felt tbh

[Cutiecat]

Just wanted to add I have bi polar husband and since birth of dc3 he has been very ill (nearly sectioned at one point). I feel sorry for him but now he is getting better and working from home but he is driving me nuts. I am standing by him and helping him but sometimes I need a good rant. It is not easy being the spouse to someone with MH probs. I get support from my GP but my parents are abroad and I can get overwhelmed with the burden of responsibility. I find a good old moan and a bit of chocolate help but sometimes I feel I need respite from him. When he was in hospital it was a relief.

Don't beat yourself up and you are not alone. It is harder when they are working from home as you get no break. If they were away it would sometimes be easier. I think there are serviced offices you can rent work space in, would that be an option? Good luck.

[coldwed]

So are you pregnant with your 5th child?