To feel upset about what DH said

[Mishy1234]

DS1 is 4 at the weekend, but won't start school until Aug 2013 (Scottish system). He currently attends a lovely private nursery 2 days, as does his brother who is 20 months. They have 1 day with PIL and the remaining 2 with me (I work part-time).

The original plan was for DS1 to attend a school nursery from this Aug (2 full days and 3 mornings), but I really feel he would do just as well staying where he is for another year and it makes things easier for me with both boys being at the same place.

I think he should remain just the 2 full days, but DH thinks he should do 3 full days and 2 mornings. He first said he thought it would be good preparation for building stamina for starting school. I can see his point, but this will be DS1's last year before he starts formal education for the next 13 years!

OK, so now the bit which upset me (sorry it's taken so long to get to this, but I needed to explain the above first). He then said the real reason was that he didn't feel that DS2 has had the same 1:1 time with me as DS1 and that DS1 is obviously my pfb and I have a closer bond with him. It IS true that DS1 and I are very close. He's a very huggy child and always has been. He craves physical contact in a way DS2 doesn't. DS2 is very different and is always on the move. DH said he thought DS2 and I need time alone to 'bond'. This has really upset me. I do everything I can to be a good mother to both boys and respond to them as individuals. Now I'm worried I have short changed DS2 in some way.

Please tell me I'm being an idiot about this. Don't all second (and subsequent) children get a bit less 1:1 time than the first born? Surely that doesn't mean they don't bond as well?

[kilmuir]

agree with your husband

[Portofino]

So do I

[CamperWidow]

I have a DD1 who is 2 and a DD2 who is 4mths. DD1 has been in nursery since she was 6 months as I went back to work, but just for the one day. She hasn't stopped going despite me not working, she loves it and gets alot out of it. We have decided that when her vouchers kick in in September, we will keep her in one day and put DD2 in on another day. This means I will have to make the trip in to town twice a week on the bus, but it will mean that a) both girls will benefit from time away from me and playing with others and b) we will all benefit from some 1:1 time. I do feel that DD1 has missed out on some 'Mommy time' because of DD2, and I do enjoy my day with just DD2.

I don't know if YABU or N. I do know that I am looking forward to 1:1 time with both my girls and that they will have a great time and learn at nursery.

[aldiwhore]

Once your DS1 starts school you'll find it very VERY hard to get 1:1 time with him, I'm struggling now (mine are 8 and 4) and my eldest certainly misses me, so we make time for trips out with just him and me (again pretty hard to do sometimes).

I understand what your DH is saying though, your yongest is 20 months yes? Usually its the youngest who gets most attention, with the eldest given less time than before, my eldest still refers to the pre-sibling era as "The Good Old Days".

You have to be aware of fairness, youdon't always get it right and can't. I think your DH is a bit harsh in his wording, implying that you haven't bonded with DS2 and almost that you're choosing favourites... that's not constructive. But maybe you are spending more time with the child who more wants to spend time with you, that is natural, but you need to watch it.

Its a juggling act, you'll get the balance just right and then you'll be accused of ignoring your DH!

[squeakytoy]

I think your husband has a point, but I wouldnt say he is criticising your role as a mother, just that it would be nice to give your younger child the opportunity for a bit more 1:1 time with you.

[TheParanoidAndroid]

I don't. Of course later children get less one on one time, but its made up for in other ways. Plus he'll get more time with you when the eldest goes to school.

plus nobody else needs to tell you whether you are "bonded" with your child (wtf do people mean by that anyway?), thats personal to you and not for anyone else to decide. I'm sure you'd know if you had any issue there.

[MadeInScotlandFromGirders]

Actualy we are the reverse, DD1 is not very huggy and is very independant and DS1 (youngest) is way more huggy/needy and is full of the i love yous all day and DD1 is just not like that.

It does not mean i love her less or ds more, they just have different needs from me.

You have not short changed your ds2, but if it makes you feel better try to have a bit more 1:1 time with him.

[PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom]

Your youngest gets you all to himself once your oldest is at school. Presumably your DH is out at work all day? so how does he know how you bond with your boys, and how much of your attention each one gets all the time? Is he a younger child himself, with some kind of lingering resentment for something his parents did/didn't do when he was a child maybe?
Some children are a lot more clingy/huggy - not needy exactly, but want more "mummy time" than others too, it's no good treating them all exactly alike, because what one craves and loves, the other may not be interested in.
I think it's a bit strange that your DH won't listen to you and is basically telling you that you're parenting is wrong somehow over this. Evn at 4, DS1 is still just a little boy, barely more than a baby, he's not somehow magically transformed into a Big Boy Who Doesn't Need His Mummy Anymore .

[PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom]

your shoot me now

[Mishy1234]

Thanks for all your replies.

DS1 did continue going to nursery for 2 days and to PIL for 1 day when I was on mat leave (about 15th months), so DS2 did have 1:1 time then. I do appreciate what you are all saying though, so maybe if he did 1 extra day at nursery when I would have just his brother at home and then 1 day all of us together.

I don't feel I haven't bonded with DS2. In fact, I'm probably more precious over him than I need to be (he had meningitis as a baby). He's just different and although he likes a hug, it's a quick 'checking in' one and not as long as he can make it (like his brother!).

[pchick]

I think your DH is being a little unfair. Some children are huggy, and some are not. Some love physical contact, and some like to get on and do it themselves. Second children are often more confident than number one, plus you are more confident with them, so maybe they don't need so much one-to-one. I'm sure you are a great mum, who as you say, respond to their individual personalities.

[SuchProspects]

YANBU to be hurt by his comments.

It does sound as though DS1 has had more of your individual time and as though his character currently suits you better than DS2, but that doesn't mean you're a bad mother and your DH's approach - to basically blame you for not having a relationship with 1 son he thinks is ideal is U. He should be considering what he brings to the family dynamics and discussing it as a need for your DS2 that you both have a hand in, not demand you be different because it's somehow all your fault. How much time does your husband spend with either DS bonding?

[piratecat]

is it a money thing, too? presume private nursery will cost more to keep ds1 in for another year?

[Mishy1234]

DH is fairly hands on and takes DS2 swimming on a sat morning (I take DS1 to music and art) and then we are all together doing this and that over the rest of the weekend.

DH is struggling a bit with DS1 at the moment though. DS1 is pushing the boundaries as a 4 year old does and DH finds that difficult. He can be hard on him (I think this stems from how his dad was with him) and I do pull him up about it if I think he's being unfair. I think he sometimes gravitates towards the younger one as he's naturally at an easier age.

Maybe this is goes a bit deeper than I first thought.

[Mishy1234]

piratecat - not really a money thing as he would be going to an independent school nursery. We do differ slightly on that too, but I won't go into that just now!

[myBOYSareBONKERS]

I can see your husbands point but equally how is his own bonding with his boys???? It doesn't always have to be put on the mother.

I have 3 years 8 mths between my boys and so I had a lot of time with the first one (in nursery two days per week whilst I worked) until my second son was born.

What was really nice was that ds1 then went to school (At barely aged 4 as August born) which meant that I had that individual time with ds2 then.

Then during the school holidays when I took leave from work I still sent ds2 to nursery but it meant I had that time once again with ds1.

Now both my boys are at school (sob..) and so that time has gone. Although my DH does take the eldest to watch the local football team alone and he takes ds2 to play football alone - so they still get that individual attention.

[Kayano]

Why not switch kids for their weekend activities? I see you take ds1 and he takes ds2 or alternate?

[anastaisia]

I think YANBU generally.

I wouldn't send DS1 to nursery when he has family willing and able to care for him anyway - the days with his grandparents, you and his brother will probably be far better for him and ALL your relationships than doing more nursery to build up stamina

Maybe you could ask DH about looking at weekend time - so he gets more 1:1 with DS1 and you do more with DS2?

[numbertaker]

YANBU - What if you had 6 kids, how are you going to have 1:1 bonding time with them all.

I believe that different children are different for a reason. Also the order of birth is important, of course the older child is going to have more 1:1 time. I have two DS and a big age gap, my younger will never have the same amount of 1:1 as my older.

If you ask me, its too much fussing, life is hard enough. Also your sons will have more bonding time if they are together more. There is plenty of time for school.

You are a good mother and you are obviously hurt. Go with your gut or try a compromise.

We love our children in different ways according to their personality. You can never love two people the same way.

For example, If my first DS was ill, he wanted masses of cuddles. My DS2 will not let you near him, he deals with it by himself. I respect what each needs.

[ZuleikaJambiere]

I am expecting dc2 imminently and I mentioned to my Mum that I am concerned the new baby won't get all the lovely 1:1 time and baby sessions that DD and I enjoyed. My Mum pointed out that what dc2 misses in this area, he/she will gain massively (as will DD) in having a sibling relationship, an older sister to be entertained by, play with, try to keep up with, irritate the hell out of and so on, and so it is all swings and roundabouts. I am crossing my fingers it will be true. Please tell me it is for your boys!

Have you asked DS1 his opinion at all? Maybe he'd love the chance to do something separate from his brother because he's a 'big boy', or maybe he'd prefer the family time? I don't think his decision should be final (imagine where that could go ... ), but maybe it would help you and DH decide where abouts to meet on this issue?

[Mishy1234]

Kayano - yes, switching the sat activities might be a good idea. Originally DH took DS2 swimming as it was his time to be alone with him. Also, that arrangement made time for DS1 to have me to himself too. Could be time to review that.

I just think that DH is pushing for DS1 to be more independent before he needs to be. We had a bit of a disagreement over the private school nursery thing, as I thought DS1 would be better off staying where he is for another year. Maybe DH feels that he needs to get at least some of what he wanted by DS1 doing more hours. DH went to school at just over 4 and I think he's panicking a bit about DS1 being over 5 when he starts.

anastaisia - yes, that is how I feel. I do feel I have short changed both boys by working in their early years (nothing I can do to change that sadly) and feel that I should do the most I can to give them my time when I can. Sending DS1 to nursery when I'm not working doesn't feel right somehow. He will still get his 2 days and will be at school soon enough.

[Mishy1234]

numbertaker - yes, I do think it's too much fussing. My gut is that DS1 needs this extra year and that 2 days will be enough.

ZuleikaJambiere - I haven't exactly asked him, but whenever he goes somewhere it's always me he wants to take him. He enjoys his time alone with me and always comments how peaceful it is without his brother there! DH's worry is that DS2 doesn't get this alone time, but I don't necessarily feel he needs it. Maybe I'm wrong on that.

[ChaoticAngel]

I like Kayano's idea of swapping activities on the weekend especially as your DH seems to be struggling with his 'bond' with DS1. Does he get any time alone with DS1?

DS2 will get more 1:1 time with you when DS1 goes to school.

Your DH seems to have mistaken treating your DSs equally as being the same as treating them the same iyswim. DS1 and DS2 are obviously people with different personalities and therefore will have different needs so long as those needs are been met they'll be fine.

[megapixels]

I don't agree with your DH. I think if you're not spending enough time with your DS2 you would have felt it yourself. There are times when I need to spend more time with one of my children, and I have always known in some way, either directly or indirectly through them. If my DH insinuated that I had a favourite, like yours seems to have done, I'd be very upset.