to wonder how my mum can still be friends with this woman?

[SadDaughter]

Hello,

I'm posting here as I would like the opinions of other mums. I hope that is okay.

When I was six, I had a normal (two-sided) squabble with one of my schoolfriends. I think it was over felt tip pens or something equally as trivial. It was the kind of argument that would have been forgotten by the next day. Our parents had already arranged for me to go over to her house after school that day, so her mum picked us up and then when we got to her house she noticed that we weren't really talking to each other much. She took her daughter aside and asked her what was going on. She then marched back into the room, bent down right in front of my face and starting yelling at me. She called me a bully, said that it was unacceptable for anyone to bully her daughter, that because I was a bully I'd never have any friends, I was a horrible girl. It felt like she was shouting for hours but it was probably only a minute or two. I was absolutely terrified. When she had stopped she left the room and I went and got my coat and shoes on and sat by the door waiting for my mum to arrive.

When my mum arrived I begged to go home but the mum invited her in for a cup of tea, as though nothing had happened. My mum did asked the usual "how did she behave?" type question and the other mum said that everything had been fine, that me and her daughter had had a disagreement at school but that she had dealt with it. On the way home I tried to tell my mum what had happened but she just thought I was being melodramatic.

We'd often socialise with the same families, including this woman. All the children would play together but if anyone misbehaved or there were any problems, this woman would always be the one to intervene and accuse me of causing it. (I know this sounds like I am being melodramatic but my dad and my sister noticed this too, and have commented on it since). My mum knew this was going on but she never said anything. The other children soon realised that they could get out of anything by saying that I had "made" them do it or "bullied" them. (Again, my sister and my dad have both mentioned this since). And this mum told other parents that I was a bully/troublemaker etc. too so soon I became the scapegoat for everything.

I'm not blaming this woman for all of my life's problems, but this situation really affected me all through school, especially because her daughter was in my class until sixth form. In primary school I was mercilessly bullied by this girl, and her best friend, because they knew they'd get away with it by saying I bullied them, and when I made friends outside of the circle, these girls would end up bullying them too so no one wanted to be my friend. I began to believe that I really didn't deserve friends, and I now still have massive trust issues and to be quite honest I don't really have any close friends.

My mum still socialises this woman.

I have tried to bring up how I feel with my mum, and my sister and dad have mentioned they noticed the behaviour. But everyone just laughs it off and so I feel like I have to too. I know I should probably be over it by now but it was just such a painful experience.

I think it's too late now (it was about 15 years ago now). Realistically I can't ask her to not be friends with this woman because it would probably affect a lot of friendships and if my mum were to mention this to the woman it would probably cause a lot of trouble. But still, part of me just feels so betrayed every time my mum invites this woman into her/our home (I'm away at university now so only live at home in the holidays). Every time I see her I go back to feeling like that six year old who just wants to disappear.

I don't know if this woman actually believes she was doing anything wrong. Part of me understands that she was trying to protect her daughter from a perceived threat. But her behaviour was so extreme given that it resulted from one incident, and she only had her daughter's word for what happened. I am not a mother so maybe I don't understand the level of protectiveness that mothers can experience, but I have worked with children a lot and I can't imagine that I would ever treat a child in that way, regardless of what they had done.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking for, I guess I just want to know how other mothers would react to this situation.

Sorry this is so long, and thank you to anyone who has read it and replies.

[EauDeLaPoisson]

I would just blank her whenever I saw her and offer my mother my sympathies she wants to be friends with such an old crow. Nowt else to do really.

[scurryfunge]

You have to let this go, it will eat you up. She doesn't sound particularly pleasant and she dealt with an incident badly. Your mother can make her own decisions about her friendships and you can avoid the family.

[ermno]

Jeez. I guess you've never had a real problem if this one is keeping you up at night.

[puds11]

she sounds pretty vile tbh!
I personally would believe what my daughter said over an adult, as i believe that kids generally do tell the truth if they are brought up to, and that adults do take advantage of the whole 'dont listen to her she's just a child telling stories'. My sisters and i had the same problem with our mum not believing that our private music tutor was a pervert. Luckily my dad did.

[reelingintheyears]

Tell the woman who did it....i would.

Tell her that she was the bully and her DD exploited the situation.

Work out how you're going to say it,nicely if you can,and what your responses will be to her excuses.

Closure.

[Giyadas]

I don't think it really matters how other people would theoretically behave, you are an adult now and you can control who you socialize with and who you can avoid. You can't dictate your mums friends but you can refuse to interact with her yourself.
I think some people forget that kids will grow up and will remember how they were treated.
I would say let it go, purely for your own benefit, and just avoid her as best you can.

[slowburner]

Yadnbu. IMHO.

When I was very small my sister took something from my mums purse, when my mum found her with it my sister said I had taken it and given it to her. Without asking or checking with me she smacked me, put me to bed and then proceeded to punish me for days over petty things. My sister and I (she was probably about 4or 5, I was 9) were invited to go out to tea with our grandparents, my mum told them I had ti stay home because I was naughty and instead they took my sister out for the day and gave her tea etc and bought her this bouncing glitter ball.

She used to bounce it on the bed next to me, used to sleep with it, although she was small she used to manipulate everything I did. My mum believed her over and over, I was told i was a liar, a thief, smacked, my beloved father refused to listen saying that I had to learn the consequences of my actions.

No one listened. 23 years later it still hurts like f, my sister is a manipulative shallow character, I work hard every day but mum still puts sister above me.

Ty for your post, next time I see my mum I am going to tell her how she changed my childhood, ask her to listen to me for once. Why don't you write her a letter?

[ShellyBoobs]

I'd be very tempted unable to resist saying something to the woman.

I can imagine you would find that very hard though - if her presence makes you feel a six year-old again, she' sobviously had a quite profound effect on you.

Telling her exactly what you feel and how she's affected your life might just help you to start getting over it, perhaps?

[ScarlettCrossbones]

You poor thing, I really sympathise. I remember having a trivial squabble with my best friend at around the same age, and her mother firmly pushing me out of a room when I tried to follow her daughter in - by that time we were fine again, but her mother had obviously taken exception to me. And we were both good kids - it was just a silly little argument. That push was nothing, really, but I still remember it with extreme discomfort more than 30 years later, so I can't imagine how you must feel when this woman was actually shouting in your face!

Why don't people realise just what an effect their actions will have on children of this age?

[Tranquilidade]

Feel sorry for you as you are clearly very hurt by this and I can sympathise as an adult neighbour was awful to me as a child and I still really resent her all these years later. The difference in our situations is that I moved away and she is now dead whereas you have to face this woman regularly.

I think most mothers feel protective of their children but to carry it on for the length of time this woman did is not normal IMO

Is it possible to have a real heart to heart with your mum and explain how you feel even if that doesn't seem rational to her. If she can understand your feelings she may be able to help you in some way, even if by just not seeing her when you are at home

[reelingintheyears]

I would not necessarily believe what my DC said over an adult.

But i would if my DC were an adult now and still saying the same thing.

[Portofino]

I think I should be discussing this with YOUR mother, than dwelling on what the other woman did. I had fallings out at that age, certainly. I am not dwelling on them now, nor did they have ANY affect on my life.

[LoopyLoopsHootyHoots]

ermno, that's an awfully dismissive and thoughtless thing to say.

OP, she was a nasty, horrible woman, and what she did led to horrible things in your life, but the thing is, you know it was all made up. It was unjust. As you know that, you need to hold on to that and remember it. Stay strong and remember that you are better than her, or her daughter. Your mum simply doesn't understand. Forget her involvement. :)

[IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll]

I wouldn't allow anyone to treat my children like that and I certainly wouldn't continue to be friends with them if it was more than a one off. Being protective as a Mum works both ways.

I think you need to let this go, nad accept that your way of dealing with things isn't the same as your Mums, or this woman's. She was wrong, you know that. But the best way for you to have your 'revenge' as it were, would be to concentrate on being the best you can possibly be. There is no doubt that it will be far better than she has any chance of being.

[ToothbrushThief]

I think you need to change your feelings by confronting the woman with them...in a really public situation. Scary, I know. Be polite and light hearted about it but make eye contact. Be assertive. Be in charge.

Her power will then be gone

[curlycubes]

Let it go, your mum has her friends and you are an adult.

Look at this person as if you have a shit under your nose.

get on with your own life and enjoy, really you and your mum are separate identities.

Some of my mum's friends do my head in but my mum seems to like them, her choice!

[SlinkingOutsideInFrocks]

It's a bit of a cliché, but I would write your Mum a letter.

You can clearly and articulately express yourself, finish it, reread and tweak it until it's just right - which you can't when you're speaking - and most importantly she can't interject all the time and throw you off course.

ermno - nice, helpful post there....

[skybluepearl]

what a shame you didn't recieve any support from your mum. I didn't under similar circumstances and I think it really highlighted how weak my parents were. who in thier right minds would let an adult bully a child? i don't know what the answer is really? you could write a letter to the woman and give a copy to your mum. you could highlight how you were bullied by her daughter and how her adult bullying has effected you for years. you could also say how sad you were that nobody stood up for you - even your own mother

[SadDaughter]

Thank you to everyone who has replied, and I'm so sorry that others have had similar experiences. I don't feel like I can say anything to the woman because she is quite influential within my mum's friendship circle so I don't want to leave my mum in a difficult position with other friends. I can definitely try to blank her though :)

Like you say, ScarlettCrossbones, experiences like this can have a massive impact on children, especially when it's from an adult who is meant to be looking after you.

I can only imagine how much worse it would feel if it were my mother who treated me like that, and for so long, I'm so sorry slowburner.

And ermno, this isn't the only, or the most serious, problem I've ever had, just the only one I'm posting about. I appreciate it may seem trivial if you are having more serious problems, and I'm sorry if that is the case.

[WhiteTrash]

Being bullied is quite simply fucking horrible. And if it stemmed from this mother treating you in that way no wonder you dislike your mum still seeing her. I would be inclined to email both my mother and her friend this thread or copy and paste exactly what you wrote in your OP.

Someone said that this should hardly keep you up at night but I totally understand how it could do exactly that.

I feel sorry for 6 year old you. And I totally feel for the now you.

[lazymonkeyface]

ermno don't you remember what Thumper's mom says? "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"

OP, I have no real advice, but hugs.

[pchick]

You obviously can't let it go and it's still eating you up. I think you have two options. Firstly, talk to your mum again, and get her to listen . Explain how you feel. Maybe you need to get her alone somehow, go for a walk, or take her or a coffee. Maybe the woman has a hold over you mum.

Alternatively, go for counselling. I'm sure your uni has a student counselling service. you need to discuss this and bring this issue to a closure. You don't want this bullying, from her daughter and the mum to haunt you for all your life.

[QuintessentiallyShallow]

You need to also confront your mum and tell her the truth too, and how this affects how you feel about her also.

[SadDaughter]

More people have posted since I wrote that, so thanks everyone.

I know I should try and put this behind me, and it's not something I focus on every day or anything, it's just that something someone said today brought it all back. I am trying to deal with it in the hopes of moving on which is why I posted on here.

I do think a letter would be a good idea. I don't think I would actually give it to my mum as I know how much it would hurt her, but maybe I could just write it and then throw it away.

It may seem like I'm just dwelling on a childhood argument, but it's not really that at all. The argument was meaningless, and I'm not dwelling on any of the other arguments I had throughout my childhood, it's more the way this woman behaved after the argument, and continued to behave for many years after.

[JestersHat]

This sounds horrible for you. I can't advise you what to do but it sounds like it's still really upsetting for you years later. Would some counselling help, do you think? Or could you even get angry with this woman and say these things to her face?