to be upset that my DW won't let me buy her xmas pressies?

[DadsMightFly]

She got really upset last year over an assortment of pressies including some carefully chosen and anyway harmless paperbacks and a Rumer CD, and stormed round the room before she'd even finished unwrapping half of them - in front of DS.

I try to accommodate, and make sure everything can be taken back to eg John Lewis, but when I asked her about something I wanted to buy her this year she just got really, seriously upset.

The nearest she gives by way of rational explanation is that she doesn't like seeing our money spent - "it's like having teeth pulled".

As far as I can see I'm the only person forbidden to buy her presents, and she's the only person I'm forbidden to buy presents for.

Am I being unreasonable to take this personally? If so, can anyone suggest a way making myself feel better about it?

[Groovee]

I'd buy her nothing if she's going to behave like a 2 year old having a tantrum (which is normal for 2 year olds).

[fuckityfuckfuckfuck]

SHe's given you a reason and tbh I'd accept it. She doesn;t want your (presumably joint) money spent on stuff she sees as a waste. I have to agree tbh, me and dp have some massive things to save for in the next year so have said only a stocking of silly things for each other. It would seriously wind me up if on Christmas day he presented me with stuff when I'd explicitly told him not to.

[Pancakeflipper]

She sounds fun.

[Kayano]

I think unless you are in debt
Or struggling she has isshoos.

Has she said anything more as to why she feels like this? I had an old friend like this and he was very angry and would not accept even a card and it came down to him being lonely and feeling annoyed at people only bothering at Xmas.

He is much better now since he got a Thai bride found love

[Pancakeflipper]

Actually I'd pull a face if I got the Rumer CD.

[overmydeadbody]

So does she just not want any presents or does she not like what you chose?


Does she buy you presents?

[LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer]

She sounds very stressed about money. Or something.

[Hassledge]

What were the "harmless" paperbacks? Was it the tipping point - I mean was last Christmas one of a long line of Christmasses where you (in her eyes) failed to think about what she actually wanted?

I don't really understand the "having teeth pulled" thing - was her problem the amount spent (too much? too little?) or what you actually bought?

She does sound like she's being a bit childish.

[FlamingoBingo]

She sounds a bit ranty to have such a childish reaction to it, but I can see her point. DH and I have had present-free years for each other as it is our shared money being spent and buying things just for the sake of it for each other seems such a waste of money.

Next year, why not buy each other things that you really need and would buy anyway, but would normally buy cheaply...then spend extra because it's Christmas? We've done that before now. So when we needed new cushions, we would normally get cheap things from Ikea, but one year we decided to give them to each other as Christmas presents and buy more expensive ones.

[OhdearNigel]

She doesn't want a present. Don't buy a present. It's simple.

I have told DH not to buy me a present, I will be really pissed off if he does because we cannot afford it and he always spends far too much. And I haven't got him anything so it will be just as embarassing as last year when he spent £400 we don't have on me and I bought him a £1 selection box.

[KatieScarlettsCrackers]

I need some background;

1. Are you a shit present chooser? I know a few, my poor cousin gets the most tasteless tat every year from her DH who genuinely thinks he is getting her something "trendy" (his words). She's in those damn shops returning stuff for most of Boxing Day.
   

1. Are you buying her presents out of joint cash? If so, your DW may prefer to do a little online browsing and send the links to you to choose from. It has saved my Christmas for years now. DH once bought me a hoover...........

[lubeybaublely]

Send them to me! I never get any and am ridiculously grateful even for socks. :o I'm actually not joking

Seriously though what the hell is her problem? Seems very miserable and ungrateful to act like that. I don't blame you for being upset.

I would be suggesting seperate bank accounts and seperate finacial set ups if she can't appreciate a gift from 'joint' money.

Everyone who shares finances has a certain amount say per week or month to spend on what they want that is marked down as 'theirs' even if it comes out of a joint account - if you choose to spend that bit that is 'yours' on presents for her then that's lovely of you.

[oikopolis]

I know a girl (now in her thirties) whose parents were abusive and always made a point of making her birthdays hellish when she was a child. Ignoring her, beating her. She was also always pointedly left out of the lavish bday celebrations planned for her brothers. (They did not want a girl and resented her.)

As a result she feels it difficult to cope with having a fuss made on her birthday... it brings up all sorts of complicated painful feelings. She has embarrassed people in the past when they tried to throw parties for her and so on, by making a scene and storming out. It's not on, but it happens and usually there's a reason why people behave badly.

Your DW may be similarly triggered by Xmas...not sure what her history is, so i can't say for sure. Perhaps it's just the idea of having money spent on her that triggers.

If she doesn't want pressies, then don't buy her any. Perhaps write her a letter each Xmas saying that you love her etc. And each year ask her gently if she would like something, if she says no, just leave it. After all, that's what she wants.

You obviously feel singled out, and YANBU to be upset about it, but perhaps you should pour oil on troubled waters where possible (assuming she is a loving DW for the rest of the year). You may be the only person she feels safe enough with to express her wishes. So if that wish is not to receive pressies, it's best to honour that.

[alienbump]

Ok, how about making her some gift vouchers then? Off the top of my head I'd swop any amount of cd's for a free pass to a couple of lie in's (with optional breakfast in bed maybe?) and maybe an evening where I don't plan, cook or clean up after dinner?. Maybe you could think of some free stuff your wife would really value

[FredFredGeorge]

YABVU, she's asked you not to buy presents, she doesn't want them, as her DH you should certainly be able to agree to her wishes. They're entirely reasonable, yes she may well have "isshoos" - I do, mine are that I really enjoy the purchasing aspect of things I get, I detest people wasting money (even if it's what I want, if I know I could've got it for 25% less in a month), I am particular about the things I want (yes I want a scarf, yes I want to pick my own scarf). For people who are further away from me I'll be willing to suspend my disappointment when they ignore my wishes and be polite and thank them, if DP did it I'd be pretty annoyed. It wouldn't be about the gifts or the money, it would be about ignoring my wishes.

The idea of me doing all the research which I would enjoy and then providing DP links to the things I want so she can buy them out of our money is just ludicrous, why wouldn't I just buy them?

So how to feel better about it, accept it, find other ways than gifts to express your love and caring. The most loving thing you can do is honouring her wishes.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

What paperbacks did you get her...where they those silhouette racy ones??? Readers wives?? Do you buy her crotchless knickers and whips???? Unless you are really bad at chosing presents that she likes or you are really skint then YANBU for being a bit miffed but be grateful she has been honest with you....my DH hates it that he buys me stuff and I hardly use it!

[FredFredGeorge]

alienbump for me that would be just as annoying, I would never use such vouchers - life is teamwork, and if I was in a position to need such vouchers then DP would either notice or be asked, demanding them 'cos I had a voucher when she could be as just as in need of a lie in (or whatever) would be completely inappropriate I think.

[LyssaM]

Last year I told DH to go into the Cath Kidston shop and get me a little surprise. I must add - he asked what to get me, and he also prefers to be given a 'target area' so he can get me a surprise that I can open on the day. So I gave a shop and a rough idea of what would be acceptable from around the tissue price to a small purse price.

So he went to the shop opposite the Cath Kidston shop and bought me a dvd of a documentary series, which I normally like but this one I had previously described as woolier than a knitting convention and more padded than a starlet's bra. He had laughed at this limp witticism and repeated at work, so he knew what I had said.

I am dreading what I am getting. Although the above is actually almost funny and made me (sort of) laugh, he has upset me in the past. I am seriously getting to the stage when I don't want anything from him.

Soooo, what did you get her last year, and why?

[DadsMightFly]

Hi Katie,

1. I'm a thoughtful and careful present buyer - certainly not infallible, but willing to learn.
   
2. I'm the main earner - she works about 1 day a week, freelance. I buy stuff out of my personal account, not the joint account. But the links are a good idea.
   

Linerunner, she might be stressed about money - wolves aren't too close to the door for now, but my work situation is a little uncertain as we've just been taken over

PancakeFlipper - fair point, but she'd never actually heard Rumer at the time, and loved her when she did finally listen to the CD.

Thanks everyone for the suggestions and support. I'll try to find some way of letting her chose some things she knows she wants, and put the rest down to stress.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

A voucher for a lie in or breakfast in bed??? Bloody hell, if I want a lie in I just have one, sod needing a voucher :)

[KatieScarlettsCrackers]

Sounds good to me Dads

[TheCrackFox]

I think when she has calmed down that you both need to have a conversation about why she won't let you buy her presents.

Her reaction has been a tad over the top and I would be upset if my DH acted the same way.

Maybe a voucher for her favourite restaurant might be acceptable?

[starfishmummy]

Perhaps she was hoping for something else - like a piece of jewellery and was annoyed that Dadmightfly had missed all her carefully cryptic hints?
And the don't butt me antything was really a don't buy me any more crap but get me some diamonds? (or whatever she likes)

[alienbump]

Ok , I should clarify, I'd like special dispensation for a lie in that didn't include the three kids and the hyperactive dog! It would be the perfect lie-in, where I would be served bucks fizz and scrambled eggs with smoked salmon just before Dh took the three children out for the morning to take part in some wholesome activity they I wouldn't need to know the details. Of course, I'd much rather buy DH a CD than provide him with a morning like this so can't complain if it's not top of his list on gifts to me!

[DadsMightFly]

Oikopolis - thanks for that. Very interesting. And helpful.
Betty - no, nothing like that :)
Fredfredgeorge - maybe that's it, nothing more complicated... for her at least, if not for my irrational urge to surprise and delight on Christmas Day :(
LyssaM - I'm quite happy to follow instructions, but even asking for them causes distress
StarFish - I'm specifically forbidden to buy her jewellery (and clothes) - even if my friendly local jeweller guarantees she can exchange it.

Ah well, maybe time to stop feeling sorry for myself and just let it be.