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AIBU to have massive house moving mistake fear?

(22 Posts)
JulianaTokyo Mon 05-Dec-11 21:57:59

Please will somebody slap me. We moved 4 weeks ago to a lovely house in a nice area, from a flat in a very mixed part of London. I haven't been able to stop crying since. We did it for the long term - better (on paper) schools, more space, greener environment, but I am terrified that we have made a mistake. Our old area was lively, cosmopolitan, dd was in a lovely lovely nursery and I had lots of friends. I just feel like we have been greedy and tossed away a really great set up for theoretical future gain.
DH thinks I am insane, but he goes out to work everyday and nothing changes for him. I feel awful that I am spoiling these first exciting new months in the house for him, and that is killing me. But if I could move back tomorrow I would; I just can't see us here long term.
I had fairly strong niggles before we moved that I stupidly tried to downplay, but now am beating myself up for not being more forceful about what I really wanted.
Anyone else been in this situation? I know it will get better, and I am making an effort to go out twice a day, meet people etc, I just have this almost overwhelming physical desire to go back home (not the flat, to the area). How long should I give it?
I completely appreciate that I sound like a spoiled cow but I just can't seem to help it. ds is 8 months and refuses to sleep through the night, so I also appreciate that chronic sleep deprivation may have something to do with it.

Purpleroses Mon 05-Dec-11 22:08:35

My parents did just that when I was small. 30 years on, my mother still looks back on those first few months as the time of her life when she was most unhappy. It is just really hard to move away from all your friends and life and start a new one. But you will make friends in time. No matter how "un-mixed" your new area is, there are bound to be some people that you'll hit it off with. There's probably others who've made a similar move in the past and will know how you feel. 4 weeks really isn't very long to make new friends in, but YANBU to expect your DH to be a bit more understanding how difficult it is for you right now, even though it may be good for you all in the long run.

mummytime Tue 06-Dec-11 06:19:42

You actually sound depressed. I would suggest you register quickly with a GP, and then go and see them! Winter is a hard time, are you getting out every day to catch what you can of the sunlight? Also lack of sleep is very hard.
Moving home is a very stressful experience. Moving in winter is harder as people are out less, also with Christmas coming up people with school age kids tend to be very busy.
I would suggest you try to really explore your new area. If you get a card popped through your door then see what its like if its the local toddler's nativity at a church or visiting the Christmas Tree farm.
Where-ever you are you will find some people like you, but it just might take time. But don't rush yourself too much, do take time to just sit with a coffee or whatever.
You could even post on your local MN board and try to arrange a meet up.
Good luck!

mummytime Tue 06-Dec-11 06:21:58

Oh just remembered. I have a friend who lives on a very expensive road (all houses over £1million, most are several million). Someone moved into her road, and did get to know the neighbours (they seem pretty friendly up there). But after 18 months she just couldn't stand it and they moved back into London. It can happen to anyone.

lifechanger Tue 06-Dec-11 06:28:24

You can't expect to make the kind of friends who really matter and connections that are as meaningful as you are used to in a few weeks. Go out, meet people, start building friendships and be patient. It will happen.

I did this from central London to a stuck-up type commuter town 30 miles out when my DC were little and can totally empathise with what you are feeling. But things did settle, I did make friends (lovely, lasting ones because there are lovely people everywhere) and my DC had a happy upbringing there. It was the right thing to do.

They're now grown up and I'm back in the city!

callmemrs Tue 06-Dec-11 06:43:09

Yes, you need to be patient.

Also, there must have been factors you weren't so happy about with the last home, otherwise you wouldn't have gone to the expense and trouble of moving. You are pining for all the positive things you've left behind right now, but if you look at it objectively, there will be things which were negative about the previous home.

I think 4 weeks is too short to expect to have made life long friends and to feel settled- but you are doing the right things in getting out and about. I also wonder whether a visit to your gp might be useful as you do sound a little depressed. I think being at home with a young child can be very isolating anyway, and even more so for you now you've moved.

mypersonalfavourite Tue 06-Dec-11 07:53:31

We've done the same kind of move as you. I wouldn't have appreciated when DD was a baby but knowing she'll go the the good local school without all the angst in London is priceless.

Also if a lot of your local friends have children you'll probably find most of them jump ship soon and it won't be the same anyway. We were in a 'nice' part of London and lots of people have left already (DD is 2.5) or are planning to by school age. In fact at least three are local to where we are now.

I found it odd how white it is at first but there's lots going on and because a lot of People are recent London refugees as well it's easy to strike up conversation.

Curve Tue 06-Dec-11 14:41:28

It is hard. I moved house five years ago when DS2 was 6 weeks old and DS1 16 months. Only moved a couple of miles away but I don't drive so felt very isolated for a while as it was hard to get out and see old friends and felt difficult to go out and make new ones. Spent a lot of time looking at rightmove planning on moving back!! Where we moved from was (is) v fashionable with lots going on - where we moved to more suburban and 'solid' but was cheaper to find the larger house we needed. Its just not the sort of place I thought I'd end up. The house needed (still needs) a lot of work and the thought of it all got me down. But did make friends eventually - and been here 5 years and feel quite settled now. We (me and DP) still joke about moving back to trendier area but DS 1 & 2 settled at a great school. Looking back think I was depressed. It was a very dark wet winter and should have gone to my GP but at the time blamed it on the move and the new house. Was lucky, though DP frustrated at times, he was v supportive and understood - think he missed the old area too - and said if I still hated it we could move back - which helped get me through settling in - knowing we could move back. So perhaps discuss it and that you'll give it go and if you still don't like it say in a year or so consider moving again.

mumofthreekids Tue 06-Dec-11 15:48:49

YANBU and definitely don't sound like a spoiled cow. As others have said, moving house is a really stressful experience.

I grew up in London, but when DC1 was 18m and I was pg with DC2 we moved out of London for all the same reasons as you (plus the fact that DH hated London).

I had my doubts, but did it for DH's sake. The first few months were lonely but now (5 years later) I am completely converted. 4 weeks really isn't long - carry on trying to meet people and the chances are it will get better. I'd give it at least 12-18m before deciding you've made a mistake.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourMincePies Tue 06-Dec-11 15:59:46

We moved house this time last year and when we arrived we found a leak under the sink (previous owners took out the washing machine and left the pipes unsealed, with a bowl under them).

I cried and just wanted to go home again. It was one thing too many in a long day and an emotional and difficult time (for lots of reasons). One year on and all settled in, I'm glad we made the move. But it's hard at first because it doesn't feel like home.

Give it time. It can be harder in the winter because it's freezing and people aren't just out and about. You might find the area really comes alive in the warmer months.

If you really do hate it, it's not a permanent move, you can always sell up and move again. But give it a fair chance first, you might love it in the end.

mewantcookiesmenocanwait Tue 06-Dec-11 16:05:10

YANBU, you don't need a slap and of course you're not spoiled: you've got a baby who doesn't sleep and you've just moved house! Of course you're feeling rubbish! It doesn't mean that you've made a mistake, it's just that sleep deprivation and stress get to you after a while. You stop being able to see that you're just tired and start imagining things are terribly wrong with your life, when all you really need is a few good nights' sleep.

hackmum Tue 06-Dec-11 16:09:40

I've been through a similar thing - moved from London to the suburbs. It's hard, if you're not a suburbs type of person. But the way to deal with it is to join lots of baby groups (NCT groups, baby swimming, play groups etc). Some of them will be awful, but you will make friends eventually. There will be other women in the same position as you - lots of people move out of London to bring up their children. Can you still visit old friends by meeting up in the centre of London or something? (This is what I do.) How far out are you?

WilsonFrickett Tue 06-Dec-11 16:32:00

I'm just about to do the same thing! And was just chatting to a friend who did make a big move 3 years ago and it's taken her till now to settle. (That maybe doesn't sound very positive but I'm learning from her mistakes - she has no DCs and works from home and didn't do enough 'getting out there' to carve out a life for herself).

If I tell you to be patient, hang on in there, give it time and just keep going out will you promise to give me the same answer to my identical thread which will be appearing in approx 8 weeks? (we move in 4 weeks grin)

JosieZ Tue 06-Dec-11 17:38:49

How did you make friends at your last home?

It doesn't seem relevant now but good secondary schools are so important.

We lived in a town in the home counties which I never cared for but kids had great education (not private) and opportunity to play all types of sports which has set them up for life really.

PlumpDogPillionaire Tue 06-Dec-11 17:47:07

I'm another one who moved away from London recently and have very mixed feelings about it. And it's harder in winter when everything looks so bleak.
And moving itself knocks you for six even if it's been a good move.
And, perhaps, because the market's so bad at the moment so most people are staying put, there's not the buzz that there might be if things were more buoyant.
And it's easy, when it's bleak and quiet, to have rose tinted memories of London and forget some of the reasons you wanted to leave.
You'll appreciate the space, clean air and freedom come summer, believe me! smile

tkband3 Tue 06-Dec-11 18:13:40

We moved for the same kind of reasons from a similar-sounding area of London to a more suburban part of London when DD was 2.5 and DTs were 10 months. I hated it to start with - we moved in winter, DH was working all the hours, DD was ill for a long time and the DTs slept about 2 hours at a stretch. I tried going to playgroups but only a few people talked to me and even then, it was only to say things like 'you poor thing - you've got your hands full' hmm. Looking back I think I was quite depressed for a few months. After a couple of months I got DD1 into a nursery and met a few people through that. Then our lovely health visitor mentioned me to another mum of twins who lived round the corner from me - eventually our paths crossed and we recognised in each other the same quiet desperation of a parent of baby twins grin. We're still great friends 6 years on. She moved further away and our children go to different schools, but I've made really good friends amongst the other mums at my children's school and now can't imagine living anywhere else smile. Although I still get pangs when we go back to our old area, I wouldn't move back there now.

Whereabouts are you now (if you don't mind saying)? Perhaps through Mumsnet local you might find some other mums in your area who you could meet up with... If you're anywhere near me, I'd be happy to point you in the right direction of some friendly playgroups etc.

But don't beat yourself up - you're not being spoiled or need a's hard moving house and I'm sure you feel very isolated being the one left at home with no-one familiar around, while your DH goes to work. Sleep deprivation is the worst as well - I remember only too well the extra effort it takes to be sociable with strangers when you're completely exhausted. I hope things improve soon.

JulianaTokyo Tue 06-Dec-11 20:19:48

Oh you're all so lovely, thank you, never really expected a reply. But it is good to hear that I'm not the only one having these quite unexpected feelings. All made harder today as it seems to be hitting DD that we're not going back and she looked totally shocked when I said we'd said goodbye to her old nursery for good. Although we're only 7 miles away (can seem so far in London) and can pop back once the dust has settled to see them (once I feel I can hold it together). And the weather was nice today and DD behaved so it did all seem a bit brighter. I think I just feel school is so far away but I know in time I will be glad that she has a good secondary school to go to with friends she has grown up with.
Tkband3,we've moved to Wanstead, from North London, and yes, I did have a look on Mumsnet local. I probably just need to tart myself and the DCs around a bit more (although I have been trying!).
WilsonFrickett - yes, definitely. Good luck with your move.

hwjm1945 Tue 06-Dec-11 20:37:03

I found thta it was only when the children started nursery at 3 that I reall ystarted meetng peole and putting dow nthose roots, so it is v early days, completely understandable to feel low, I am in suburban north london adn when I go to visit friends in Wapping of Stoke Newington, I do feeel a bit dissatisfied, a bit "is this what I have ended up with - a semi in suburbia?" I remind myself that the area is green, great schools and leisure etc, and we have a 4 bed suburban semi with massive kitchen adn garde, wheresa we had a flat before. SWINGS AND ROUNDABOUTS, and you will settle. You sound really reasonable and sane and you wil ltherfore attract friends in time. I did, god knows how - I think it muyst be cos the ealr yyears of child rearing are really blood, sweat, toli adn tears and those who go through it with you get to know you well.

wahwah1270 Tue 06-Dec-11 20:56:51

I lived in south London until 6 months pregnant with my baby girl
When we made the seemingly obligatory move to a sleepy commuter village. I found that j preferred the buzz and facilities of London and when my daughter was 12 months we moved back. Since returning I am much more appreciative of the facilities we have. Dong make a rash decision . Whatever you decide will be right for you

Tgger Tue 06-Dec-11 21:06:54

Moving is hard and stressful- one of the most stressful things you know! We moved almost 2 years ago. The first 6-12 months were slow re making friends but when DS started the primary school nursery that's when it became easier to make a lot more local friends, and now I have a network like I did in old area and all the plusses of area. Hang on in there- and sleep deprivation can count for a lot- been there done that too!

mummytime Wed 07-Dec-11 08:14:56

Wanstead is lovely, and in summer you will really appreciate the move.
As someone who has moved a lot, it is always a bit depressing to move into that new house with all the other persons stuff gone, and not having personalised it to your taste yet (why do you think they dress "new houses").
It will get better.

Sophia37 Sun 29-Nov-15 09:38:50

I know the original post was posted 5 years ago but how did everything turn out? We are also looking to move to Wanstead from Kentish Town and am also feeling nervous...

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