To not let my sister know exactly what my DC want for Xmas?

[FiveHoursSleep]

Sorry, have to give a bit of background info first; I hope this isn't too long .

I have had very little contact with my mother for the last 2 years, my choice. We've never got on, she had me when she was 17 and has always resented me, saying I ruined her life and wished she'd never had me. She prefers my sister, who was 3 years younger than me and 'wanted' as she liked to remind me. I was a pretty challenging child, so I was sent to boarding school while she kept my sister and brother at home so they could be a 'real' family etc, etc
I put up with all this believing she had 'done the best she could' until I had kids of my own, then I started to question her attitude as I couldn't understand how someone could treat their own child like that.
She didn't like this and we had our first period of no contact for 6 month just before DD3 was born, but I felt guilty that she hadn't met her new grandchild and made an effort to reconcile.
We both managed to stay on good terms for a couple more years, until she came to stay one Christmas a couple of years ago. Things are complicated as my mother lives in NZ, and I'm in the UK so when she visited, she had to stay with us, which of course made things rather intense.
She made no effort at all to help me with the kids, went out with her friends and my sister as much as possible, commented on my housekeeping, my size, the way I parented, my clothes, everything. In the end we fell out, and I told her that I never wanted to speak to her again.
She went back to NZ, and my entire family has cut all contact with me since that time. This includes my sister, who also lives in the UK, about half an hour from us.
I am sad that no one else in my family has bothered to ask for my side of the story, but I have since discovered the book 'Toxic Parents' and am pretty sure my mother falls into that category. I believe I, and my children are better off without her in our lives.

I didn't argue with my sister but she didn't contact me until about 6 months after my mother left, to say that she wanted me and my mother to make up, as she ( my sister) fund the whole situation too hard. She also gave me the 'you are my only sister 'line, but TBH we've never been close and we only really heard from her when she need something like a shoulder to cry on, money or a roof over her head. So I decided my life was actually okay without her as 'a sister'. I said she was welcome to visit the kids but she's only done this twice in two years. She's rung a couple of times too, but we go for months without hearing from her at all. The second time she visited was last July, and I had to go out to work as soon as she arrived. She complained and said she wasn't happy because I hadn't stuck around to see her.
She's now decided she can't come and see the kids if I'm not going to treat her like a sister and wants me to send her a list of present requests. I've given her some vague suggestions ( books and crafts) because I don't see why she can't at least ring them and ask them.
But she keeps emailing me and insisting I tell her what the kids are into etc, etc
AIBU to not give her a detailed list? I find it hard enough to think of what to give them, I don't want to have to do it for her too.

[Hulababy]

I can kind of understand but at the ed of e day at least f you tell her then the children will get what they actually want/need, rather than a duplicate or unwanted stuff.

[AnaisB]

It sounds like your family are really difficult and your sister buying a present for your kids has somehow become more important than it is. I think YABU (but would probably be unreasonable in some way if I was in your situation too!)

[lisad123]

I think yrbu. She is making an effort for the kids like you asked her too, and your making it difficult.
It for the kids not you, so tell her please

[KittyFane]

Don't over think it - Email back and repeat 'any kind of arts and craft things, they'll like whatever'.
Families like this are a pain and I feel for you.

[pigletmania]

Yabu on not telling your sister what your kids would like, it does sound like she is really trying to make an effort with you, and you are throwing it back in her face. E mail her a list, and telephone her and arrange for her to come round or to meet, then you will be able to also explain your side of all this, as she probably hears a different version from your mum. Btw your mum sounds really nasty and I would not like her in my life, but there is no reason really why you can't have a relationship with your sister.

[FiveHoursSleep]

Sorry, I didn't make it clear. I'm not interested in having a relationship with her as a sister. I'm much happier without her in my life.
But I am willing for her to talk to and see the kids if she wants to.
What I'm not willing to do is cover up for her lack of effort to bother to find out for herself what they kids would like.
She has said she doesn't want to see our children if I won't treat her as a sister ( Which means she wants me listen to her whinge about her health anxieties and crappy boyfriends or lend her money).
I'm not stopping her from seeing them , she has chosen not to.
She still wants to buy them presents. I'd actually rather she didn't bother but I'd rather not have to rack my brains thinking of something great for her to buy them.
I think it rankles a bit because our father was similar in that he would rather buy an expensive present than spend time with us.
Also, she refuses to talk about the stuff that happened between my mother and i, she says she wants to 'pretend it never happened.'

[SuePurblybiltbyElves]

Email back 'vouchers'.

[crunchbag]

YABU, your sister wants to buy something nice for your kids and you seem to want her to fail. Yes the relationship between you is strained but she is trying to make an effort.

You don't mention how often you and the children visit her or how often you phone her. It takes two to make a relationship work.

[Pantofino]

Sorry - I am sympathetic to your situation, but my dsis has 3 boys, older than my dd. I would not have a CLUE what to buy them without askking. This is not laziness or disinterest on my part - I love them all to pieces. I have a 7 yo daughter - I have NO clue what 14 yo boys like. I think your issues run deeper than this.

She wants to buy them a present - suggest something they might like, get the kids to write a thank you note, then leave well alone.

[crunchbag]

x-post

Okay if you are not really bothered about her being in your life why don't you just tell her straight that you don't want her to buy presents for your children. If she ignores your request it's up to her to come up with ideas.

[FiveHoursSleep]

SuePurbly Have done. Her latest email is in reply to that. She doesn't 'do' vouchers.
Crunchbag I don't want a relationship with her so I have no interest in making it work. We never go to visit her, her accommodation is not suitable for 4 children. I have phoned her on occasion, but obviously not in the last 2 years but she rarely picks up.
In all honestly, I don't think I want her to 'fail'- i can't see how she could, my children are easily pleased. But I don't see why I should hand it to her on a plate either.

[SuePurblybiltbyElves]

Oh, sorry, missed that bit.
I think you've done enough and she's trying to spin out contact, for whatever reason. If you've answered more than once and you don't want a relationship, I'd ignore her emails.
for you.

[Hassledge]

It sounds a horrible mess for you, and I'm sorry. BUT - the bottom line now is your children's relationship with their aunt. That relationship will be better, or have more of a chance of establishing, if you help her understand what they're like - and by giving her present ideas you're giving her an insight into them as individuals. You're opening a door for her - up to her whether she comes in. But I think you should open the door, at least.

[FiveHoursSleep]

Thanks Crunchbag. That's a good idea. I haven't actually come out and said that, although I have implied it.
Pantofino She's a nanny and has looked after many kids the same ages as, or older than mine, so she should have plenty of ideas. TBH I think she sees this as some sort of power struggle.

[LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite]

"Dear sis, as you have decided to take a back seat in any relationship with me and my family over me and Mum falling out, it is hardly surprising that you need me to tell you what my children are into. I have allready said they enjoy books, arts and crafts. I am not going to ask you to get them X and Y, as I would like you to choose something you think they will enjoy, and I am not about to start telling you how to spend your money. I know, above all else, my DCs would prefer, rather than presents, more time with you. This falling out with Mum should not be affecting the relationship we have, though sadly you give the impression that it does. Why not come around with said arts and crafts stuff and spend the afternoon with me and the kids making something with it?. Love sis"

We have a similar situation with my aunt. Time with her would be priceless. As it is, she has never listened to my Dmum, even when she lists exact presents to buy, and does her own thing while taking a rear seat in our lives. As an example, once asked if my DDad (her brother) had an I-Phone, Mum said no, still turned up on Xms Day with I Phone accessories for him

[crunchbag]

You could always suggest something expensive like a bike or Xbox :o


or just ignore her emails.

[Pantofino]

But "stuff" changes for 4 yos! Tellytubbies were all the rage once. I suspect they have beem surplanted. Can you not just say they like xxxx? Say, oh you don't have to bother unless you want to....and then leave it? If you don;t WANT a relationship with her then you seem to making too big a deal of all this. Either tell her what your kids would like, or tell her nothing - she will buy what she wants ( and you will no doubt tut at its unsuitability) or she will buy nothing....

[Slambang]

Could it be that she is trying to build bridges? Could she be making an effort to show that she wants more than a vouchers-at-Xmas type relationship? Could her refusal to discuss your relationship with your mum be a sign that she wants a relationship with you independent of the mess your mum has made?

I don't know. I guess you do. But would it not be worth trying to salvage some form of relationship wih her by responding to her (perhaps ham-fisted) effort with some grace?

[Pantofino]

I just want to add that your family set up has been shite. I feel for you. But you are a grown up know and you don't let this stuff affect YOUR family. It really IS important to not let the bitterness spread.

[Dozer]

Yanbu. She is trying to engineer some kind of fake situation where she gets kudos for being a lovely auntie, despite your estrangement,

The dc won't miss out by lack of contact with her or anyone else - you're being kind to let her see them though.

(My parents both had complicated families and had moved far away deliberately to escape, so we had limited contact with grandparents at times and also some uncles/aunts, never did us any harm, as there were some uncles/aunts/family friends who we saw a lot. They were honest about the problems, which was good, 'cos we picked up on the undercurrents).

[Dozer]

But everyone who says yabu, this sister has cut off the OP, not the other way round, and has never listened to the OP's side to the story. And is still making demands of the OP. So it IS mainly about the OP and her relationship with said sister, not about the sister / DC (who will be fine whatever).

[hmc]

Your mum mistreated you badly and certainly fits the bill for 'toxic' - but it isn't your sister's fault that your mother favoured her. It does sound like your sister wants a relationship with you and your family - just be sure to be honest with yourself about why you are resisting this

[crunchbag]

Exactly Dozer. As people say it's the thought that counts, so sis can put some thought into it rather than picking something from a ready made list. And she can always double check with the OP if her children would like it.