To be upset by my mum... again

[LadyWord]

I have such an awkward and problematic relationship with my mum I can't see the wood for the trees but - is this normal? I know it's trivial but I think it's getting to me in a last straw kind of a way.

She asked me what I wanted for christmas - I have said in the past I'd be happy not to have xmas presents for adults, but she ignored me, now I just play along. I mentioned some posh boden woolly socks and sent her a link (the kind of thing I love, but are a bit too £££ to buy myself, but a reasonable amount for a christmas present judging by previous experience).

She emailed back that she couldn't get me them because "personally I don't find them attractive so you can get them for yourself" and offering something else.

Oh god I sound so petty but it makes me want to cry. It's not about the present, not at all, I'd be happy with no present - it's just the years of her thinking that she's so caring and fab while actually being totally self-centred and giving not a shit about how anyone else really feels.

For chrissakes I have got her presents I knew she wanted or had asked for, that I thought were vile, but that's not the point surely?

There is HUGE backstory to all this and things are coming to a head at the moment. There's a family situation I can't go into for fear of it being recognised (legal issues) and my mum is doing my nut in.

If this is the most trivial whinge you've ever heard just ignore me!

[squeakytoy]

She is your mum, and she wants to get you something. I would just tell her you want a voucher, then you can spend it in the sales.

Or just let her pick whatever she deems as nice, but make sure it comes with a gift receipt, then you can discreetly exchange it afterwards..

:)

[LadyWord]

Thank you - v different answers! Yes, she wants to get me something - but is not interested in what I would like.

Robot, yes I have been thinking about all this. Some other family members have cut her off, but that puts more pressure on me especially as I have DC, her only GC. Luckily she doesn't live nearby and we don't see her very often.

[Toffeefudgecake]

YANBU. Not trivial at all. Why on earth wouldn't she just get you what you want? It reminds me of my stepmum recently (she is tricky). She recently asked me what I wanted for Xmas. I said I'd love a Next voucher so I could buy myself some clothes. She replied sharply with "Oh, I'm not getting you that! You need something for the house. I'll get you an Amazon voucher" . I'm still not sure why I'm not entitled to clothes, but she always thinks she knows best and I've given up arguing.

Your mum shouldn't be judging the socks on what she finds attractive. It's all about what you want. I don't necessarily like all the things my children want for Christmas, but I wouldn't dream of refusing to buy them for them provided the requests are reasonable and suitable.

I'm sorry it's upsetting you so much, but I completely understand why. She's not listening to you at all. No wonder it makes you sad.

[LadyWord]

Thanks toffee... you know you can get clothes on Amazon don't you? :) Hope you can find something nice.

I think Christmas is especially stressful because of having to go through the rigmarole of giving and receiving and pretending it's all fine. Same for a lot of people of course.

[PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom]

Just tell her to give you a beautifully wrapped empty box while everyone is looking, and you will thank her prettily and put it to one side "to open later, it's too pretty to rush" then everyone will know how lovely she is to you and she won't have to sully herself with undesirable things. You don't actually want anything else so are quite happy to not have anything, but quite understand that she only gives you the gift to show other people how caring she is.
If that doesn't wake her up to herself I don't know what will

[LadyWord]

PomBear I have taken enough of a stand that we don't do Christmas with her, and haven't for years, so luckily it won't have to come to that!

Ooooh, I do rant about her, to friends and to poor old DP. Luckily he agrees with me.

[littlepie]

YANBU. She sounds as though she has no regard for your opinion at all but goes through the motions to "prove" she does.

Buy yourself the socks and get her a cheap present to compensate!

[LePruneDeMaTante]

It's all about control, in a fucked up way, isn't it? She controls her image of herself in her own mind (I am a nice person for asking, I am not the sort of person who pays so much for fripperies) but of course what comes out in public is completely unpleasant and destabilizing.

Not sure what you can actually do about her though It's horrible how when there's just a bit of dysfunctional stuff, maybe especially parent-child, gift-giving and -receiving really gets right to the core of it somehow. Can you just say 'What about a Boden gift voucher then?' or reiterate that you'd prefer no contact presents again? Would she absolutely just not listen? I think I know the answer to that.

[fotheringhay]

You poor thing, she sounds like a massive cow. I think it's really important that you have faith in your assessment of her. As you say, she's totally self-centred and doesn't give a shit about how anyone else feels.

It won't change her but it could help you see the wood for the trees. It's just so hard to accept though, isn't it?

[LadyWord]

Hello prune!

Ugh, she is a cow, but she thinks she's great and that we have a good relationship. That's why it's so hard to address all this or tell her how rude she is. She'd be shocked, outraged, possibly cry, and then blame me.

I did pluck up the guts to tell her, last time I saw her, that she was wrong about DS (she was picking his character to bits as usual) and that maybe she didn't understand some of his sciency ramblings, not because they're meaningless, but because she herself isn't very science-minded. She really had a go at me and dredged up some years-old conversation that I can't remember, in which I'd said something that proved she was more science-minded that me, so there!

It is like dealing with a shitty mind-game-playing "friend" when you are about 9.

[MabelLucyAttwell]

Couldn't it be that what you asked for suggested was just too expensive for her to buy?

[LadyWord]

No on the contrary Mabel, I'm always trying to ask for cheaper things, she tries to spend as much as possible - it may be that she's put out because it's not expensive enough, and if she gets me a voucher etc she can control it and spend more. It's part of her worldview that we are close. That's why she got awkward when I suggested we didn't need to do Xmas presents.

It is all a total mess!

[belledechocchipcookie]

You need to tell her that you'll be the one wearing them so it's irrelevant whether she thinks they look nice or not. It's either these or something from Tiffany and Co, which would she prefer to buy you?

[MrsMcEnroe]

I'm so sorry Lady, this sounds like a horrible situation for you and your family and you mention a long backstory so presumably you've been dealing with this sort of sh*te for years. YANBU to be upset by your mum, and I hope you find a way to let her hurtful comments roll off you like water off a duck's back. Keep your distance, and conduct the relationship on your terms from now on. If that means that you don't have any contact with your mum, so be it.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your DP

[lilchicken]

Buy her the socks! After all its the givers opinion that counts isnt it!

[pigletmania]

Just tell her not to bother with presents if she is not going to get something that you would like. What is the point of asking what the person would like, ignoring it.

[LadyWord]

Lilchicken you made me laugh! Brilliant :o

[VFVF]

Oh dear LadyWord I've literally just had a similar experience with my DM, she asked what I wanted for Christmas (just like you, I don't expect anything but she insists) so I said I'd really like a breastfeeding cover ready for when my baby is due to be born in March. Straight away she said 'Oh no, I'm not getting you a breastfeeding cover' like it was the most unreasonable thing ever to ask for! And she's very pro BF so it's not a predjudice thing!

Their's no backstory and she's generally quite lovely so it must be quite hard for you, this sounds like a few things have really got on top of you and this is the final straw?

Have you tried saying somethig like 'I'm sorry you don't like the thing I really want, why don't you just get whatever you want?' or is she thick skinned like my mother?

[pigletmania]

She is not giving Christmas presents because she is a nice person, she wants to use it as a form of control, so tell her not to bother.

[buzzswellington]

Yanbu.

[belledechocchipcookie]

My ex mil does this to ds. Every year she asks him what he'd like, then ignores him and buys him something he'll never use. He asked her if she could adopt a penguin for him last year, she bought him some sort of educational game which has never been opened. It's a control thing I think, it's very sad.

[LadyWord]

Oh yes we get the improving presents for ds too, eg board games, which he hates and never plays with, because "he needs to learn to take turns" or "he's a bit lacking in that area isn't he?" - although she will sometimes get what I suggest for the dc.

[yellowraincoat]

I agree with what LePrune said. People do these things cos it cements their image of themselves in their own mind as a nice person. I think it's incredibly rude of her to not just give you what you want.