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AIBU?

to wonder if this 'phase' will ever end??

8 replies

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 30/11/2011 18:45

I posted this earlier in Behaviour and Development but got no responses...

DS is 21 months and incredibly clingy. He has been this way since around 5 months old and I am feeling more and more despondent about it.

He is also incredibly fearful/anxious of other children.

I am finding day-to-day life a real grind with him as he is only ever happy if we are at home, playing together. Which is fine, to a certain extent, but as a SAHM I get incredibly lonely and (even though I hate admitting it) - bored.

The original plan was for me to go back to work p/t when DS was 9 MO. We had arranged a place in a local nursery for DS, but decided that this would not really suit him and that he might be better off with more focussed attention. So we started a nanny share, with the nanny looking after DS and one other girl, based at the other girl's house. It was a disaster. DS stopped eating and drinking, and spent all day crying. The nanny resigned after two months and I took vol redundancy from work.

As a result of the nanny's concerns (about his levels of separation anxiety) we have been seen by a range of specialists and none have flagged any major concerns - but he is obv still too young to be assessed for ASD etc.

I take him to a range of different groups/activities and can see that he is incredibly different to other children his age, who seem to play alongside each other confidently (if not always amicably!) We go to the same groups/classes each week so he is familiar with the settings/people. The other mums/carers can all sit and have a cuppa/chat, whereas if I attempt to do this DS will cry and cling to my leg or repeat 'mama, there' while pointing to an empty part of the room.

At home, he doesn't always need me to play with him, but if I leave the room he will stop what he is doing and whinge/cry until I come back. Either that, or he follows me and grips round my leg. The only time he is happy to be left on his own is when Balamory is on TV.

If we are out and about - playing football for example - he is happy enough until another child gets too close (and we're talking 20 metres away), and then he wants to be in my arms and away from them.

I love him to bits and try to be patient/understanding but I find his behaviour incredibly frustrating. I can go for a whole day without any adult interaction as he gets so upset when I try to have a conversation. I know quite a few mums in the local area but we very rarely now get invited to meet ups etc as we are such bad company.

Other than this he is a bright, happy boy.

Has anyone else experienced this? I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel! And if I start thinking ahead to pre-school/school I just can't see how he is going to cope

Any advice or happy stories of clingy toddlers blossoming into happy confident children gratefully received!

OP posts:
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SkinnyGirlBethany · 30/11/2011 18:53

Not experienced this but didn't want you to go unanswered. In my v limited exp- dd1 is 2.4 yrs, I would say your d's needs more not less group things etc

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PoppadumPreach · 30/11/2011 19:00

i think skinny i right - start slowly - one thing a week, even if only for 30 mins or an hour. he needs to learn how to adapt to his environment and that he is still safe and that you are till his mummy (!) when others are around.

i can understand how hard this must be - i really hope that it gets better.

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Miggsie · 30/11/2011 19:07

It may be worth trying to change his behaviour bit by bit. First, tackle his inability to play on his own, does the whining get you back in the room and paying attention to him?

Yes it does.

So he knows whining gets you straight back in.

So think about how to leave him a bit longer while being out of the room. Perhaps call cheerfully from the other room but don't go back in straight-away. He will doubtless repsond by upping the whining and screaming. Wait this out otherwise he'll learn lots of screaming is now the cue to get mummy back. The best way is to use your partner as the reassurance person. Your boy screams for mummy and your partner goes in, hugs him, leaves again. You return after a short time, pay him a bit of attention, not lots, and slowly build up the time he has to be on his own, make sure he has a good toy by him.
This is how we stopped DD screaming for me at night, DH would go in and say "mummy is doing mummy things now". After a few days she got the hint, once mummy said good-night, that was it.

Once he can spend time on his own at home, you can try with the toddler groups. The "being sort of there but not interacting" style worked with my DD. Once she learned that certain behaviours got nothing and that if mummy left she had left, things got better. This is not a quick technique and riding out the part where they scream even harder is tough. Just keep the cheerful voice on at all times. I remember hurling cushions around in frustration whiel we were doing this...not that she ever saw.

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latrucha · 30/11/2011 19:11

I know a little boy who was like this from a baby to at least that age. It is a lot better now he's nearly 3. He doesn't always want mummy. He seems to be better with a little friend or two in the home setting or at another toddler's house.

Do you know anyone you could do this with? Failing that, could you ask someone you know from one of the groups if they would like to. I like going to people's houses for cups of tea or having them at mine anyway.

Oh. and buy a Balamory DVD Smile

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Ohaiguiz · 01/12/2011 04:01

Hit this on the head while you can or your son will end up like me. A 16 year old boy who hasn't left the house in 5 months and trolls mumsnet in his spare time.

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Ohaiguiz · 01/12/2011 04:02

:(

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hanaka88 · 01/12/2011 07:18

I second trying to change his behaviour. Even if he is eventually assessed for ASD it's still no good for him. To be kept cooped up. And doing it now while he's small and easy to move, is easier then having a 5 year old clinging to your neck shouting 'mummy no!no!'
(I speak from experience)

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ShengdanRoad · 01/12/2011 07:46

He sounds like an absolute nightmare. I think you need to be cruel to be kind with this one.

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