To want my mum to spend christmas with us and not my deadbeat brother?

[BupcakesandCunting]

I'm not sure whether I am asking whether AIBU really or just wanting to blow off steam...

Bit of backstory (the condensed version, if pressed I will expand on issues, not drip-feeding) my brother is a notoriously selfish and toxic arsehole. He lives in Brighton, my mum lives here in the Midlands close to us. He has done various things to upset mum, myself and others including leeching money from mum because he refuses to get a job, cajoled my step-gran into handing cash over to him to pay his rent (he is at uni, should say that he is 22 though, not 18) then point-blank refuses to answer the 'phone to her when she calls him to make sure he has handed teh rent money to his landlord, threatened to stab my uncle, cheated on several girlfriends then gone AWOL when caught out and left "suicide" messages to get attention... The latest thing is that my mum has been ill the last few weeks and despite everyone trying to get hold of him, he refuses to return calls/get in touch. He is alive and well and I know this because my cousin says he is on Facebook most days... So he has had no contact with my mum for four weeks, despite her being quite poorly.

Mum had been staying with us up until last thursday. I've cooked for her, washed her clothes, ran her to doctors/hospital/emergency doctors etc. I'm not complaining, I liked looking after her and miss her now she's gone back home. I've been checking on her to make sure she has everything she needs and have been taking her shopping in etc.

Now, I refuse to have my brother here for christmas. past experience has taught me that it is no good for my blood pressure. DH and I do all of the work whilst he sits on his arse with his face in his iPhone. Doesn't offer to help wash-up/lay table or anything. I don't want him here anyway, really as I just don't like him. He is coming back in a few weeks and I've told mum that she is very welcome, we would like her to be here with us if she likes, but he is not. He would be more than welcome at my ex stepdad's so it's not like he has nowhere to go. Mum says she can't leave him on christmas day. So she will cook dinner for the two of them, then he will leave her to wash-up and bugger off out with his mates.

I feel like I should be the one that gets to have her here at christmas. He won't even so much as offer to make her a cup of tea, much les have thought to get her a present or card. I feel like I deserve to have her here and he doesn't.

There I said it. I sound like a spoiled brat but it's how I feel :( Sorry that was LONG...

[WorraLiberty]

Well you can't have it both ways

You Mum doesn't want her 22yr old son left alone on Christmas day and you don't want him in your home.

To be honest, I'd do exactly what your Mum is doing I'm afraid.

[BupcakesandCunting]

I don't want it both ways.

I want it one way: my mum comes to us and has a nice day, with people that care about her.

[WorraLiberty]

I know what your saying but I think this should be about what your Mum wants

As frustrating as it is, I wouldn't leave my 22yr old son alone on Christmas day either.

Remember you're the one who doesn't like him, not your Mum.

[pooka]

I'd invite him anyway and bite my tongue. if he weren't there, you'd be laying the table/washing up anyway. So invite him and accept that he will not help and do what you'd be doing anyway, if it's important for you that your mother is there.

[BupcakesandCunting]

He wouldn't be alone. He has options.

[BupcakesandCunting]

Definitely not inviting him. It would make for a very uncomfortable day. DH can't stick him either so it's not fair for him to have to compromise his day.

The rule here is that anyone who is here for dinner mucks in, so it doesn't matter that I'd be doing it anyway. DH will be doing stuff to muck in, so will MIL. The only person exmpt from needing to help is my brother. She won't have him lift a finger and say if I ask him to take stuff through to the dining room, she will take the task for him.

[AFuckingFestiveKnackeredWoman]

YANBU about the way you feel, but...

I would do the same in your mums position

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I would invite him and your mum, and then insist that he helps out. Don't wait for him to offer to help - just assign him some jobs, and tell him that people who want to eat, have to get off their lazy backsides and do some of the work. Although I do appreciate that this would not be soothing for you, or at all good for your blood pressure.

[Hullygully]

Tell her to come round once he's buggered off out and have a lovely tea and games

[HattiFattner]

If you allow him to sit on his bum, thats exactly what he will do.

You should invite him, but get your DP/DH on side and bully him into helping with the washing up and other "manly" tasks. Like looking after the kids. DOnt ask...TELL!

[WorraLiberty]

Yes but we've all got options

Technically I could have Christmas dinner nextdoor because I know I'd be welcome but I want to spend it with my family.

I expect your Mum and brother feel the same about spending it with each other rather than him spending it with his ex Step Dad.

If you really want your Mum there, it looks like you're going to have to invite your brother...otherwise your Mum won't enjoy it anyway as she'll feel bad no doubt.

Don't sweat the small stuff like whether he washes up or not....just get through the day together. After all, you said he'll be going out with his mates at night.

[BupcakesandCunting]

I DO tell! Then mum gets arsey with me for it. All through gritted, smiling teeth. It's like I'm personally affronting him by suggesting that he might want to muck in, but that's how he has lived his life, I'm afraid.

[Hullygully]

One of my bruvs used to be a hideous nightmare so my mum used to do the same - because no matter what he was her child and she couldn't not.

I think you have to understand that no matter how wrong it is or how cross it makes you feel.

Sometimes life is just a big ol bum.

[BupcakesandCunting]

He is my ex-stepdad by my brother's biological dad. He is my half-brother.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Sorry - cross-posts - I see that you wouldn't be able to get him to help out.

Is there any way you could invite him, and then offend him enough that he'd refuse to come? Then you could tell your mum that he'd been invited, but had taken umbrage because you'd said he'd be responsible for the washing up (say), and was flouncing off to your ex stepdad's, and you'd end up with just her coming?

[MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll]

I would alo insist he helps....I wouldn;t not invite him personally if I were you...I wouuld do what your Mum is doing...you know she won't come unless he does so YABU...you're cutting your MUMS nose off to spite your brother.

And I say this as someone who has a mad brother with MANY problems and toxic behaviours.

[MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll]

Jut turn him into a joke....laugh at him...invite him and let it go like water off a ducks back.

[BupcakesandCunting]

I know, Hully. It just makes me feel bitter and resentful.

Like, what is the payback for being the nice child? I do all of the looking after/being there. He just looks out for numero uno, swans back in when he likes and becomes priority.

God, I sound like a right mardy, spoilt shit. I'm not, honest. :(

[TroublesomeEx]

Bupcakes this has really irritated me, largely because it rings some big fat bells for me too.

YAsoNBU.

My mum would do/has done/does do the same as yours. I'm with you on this.

[BupcakesandCunting]

"Is there any way you could invite him, and then offend him enough that he'd refuse to come? Then you could tell your mum that he'd been invited, but had taken umbrage because you'd said he'd be responsible for the washing up (say), and was flouncing off to your ex stepdad's, and you'd end up with just her coming?"



I did this last year. I invited him under duress but then text him saying that I would prefer it if he could make alternative arrangements and only come here as a last resort as I would really like one year where I didn't feel like committing murder. He told mum that I'd been narsty to him and guess who got the rollocking?

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

It seems as if there isn't a good option here.

1. Invite only mum - she won't come or will come and will fret about brother.
   

1. Invite mum and brother, and try to insist he helps out - mum gets stressed, brother doesn't help, Bupcakes and her dh also get stressed and upset.
   

1. Invite mum and brother and don't insist they help - Bupcakes and her dh still get their christmas spoiled by the arse-like behavior of brother.
   

It seems to be a case of chosing the least worst option. Sorry, bupcakes.

[BupcakesandCunting]

[Hullygully]

No Buppy, I do understand, but you're on a hiding to nowhere.

The way you feel won't change anything, when people are horrid, you just have to say, OK you be horrid over there and not let their poison into your own life. Your payback is your good relationship with your mum, your own happy family and not being arse brother.

Rise rise above and soil not your hands with it all.

I know whereof I speak.

Your mum can't help it, and who knows what she feels deep inside? Maybe guilt/sadness at his life? Who knows? Don't make it harder for her, just welcome her round once he's gone and enjoy the rest of it.

There's always a fly in the ointment. Tis the nature of yon beast.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I've thought of an option - hire a hitman. [not totally serious emoticon]

[BupcakesandCunting]

Every January, I say that I am booking DH, DS and I into a log cabin in the Outer Hebrides and everyone else can sort their own shit out.

I never do.

Then it gets to this time of year and I am frantically Googling for remote log cabins.