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AIBU?

Expecting presents?

17 replies

ConnorCamden · 29/11/2011 10:47

My cousins little boy is 3. Every christmas and for his birthdays we have bought him presents - always something "practical" (clothes, bike similar to smart trike, cosy coupe). His sister is 14 months old. We decided once she was born that we would buy presents for her first christmas and first birthday (and continue to buy for 3 year old during that time) and then stop, due to cost. Every time we have bought something for 3 year old, his parents have been extremely grateful (they are on low income) but have always said "Oh, you shouldnt have" They are lovely and have NEVER expected a present. 3 year olds birthday is next week and we have been invited to his party. Due to work, we can't go. Apologised etc. They said oh its fine. Imagine my surprise, when they then said "Come up when you can, as we expect you'll have a present for him". This came as a complete shock. Not once have they ever assumed we would get for, have always been surprised when we have.

Now I'm in a dilemma. Do I:

a) Explain that due to money, we won't be getting the kids anything else (in a nice way, of course)

b) Buy something cheap for him, which then defeats my plan of stopping buying presents

c) Make excuses not to see them for the next 18 years... lol.

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NinkyNonker · 29/11/2011 10:49

I think if this is a decision you have made you need to communicate it to them, you have set the precedent.

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GrownUpSparkler · 29/11/2011 10:55

Seems a shame to make such a big difference with the second child, it happens loads to my DD. Of course I understand the practicalities of not having as much money, and I am not saying you should buy presents, just noticing that it does seem to happen a lot with second children. First children get lavished with time and attention and gifts, they probably don't realise that you have made this decision is all, just say you haven't much money and can't afford to spoil them as you have done in the past.

Personally, I am very close to my cousins, so I would always buy a token gift and pop round at some point with it, even if I couldn't make the birthday party, but she would never expect it.

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ConnorCamden · 29/11/2011 10:59

Hi grownupsparkler, I do feel awful that we can't afford to buy for second child :( First child was first baby born into the family in 20 years.

For first child, we always bought things we knew second child would be able to use - the bike and the cosy coupe.

I think perhaps token gift is the way to go

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ConnorCamden · 29/11/2011 11:00

meant to say, the bike was half price when I got and the cosy coupe was second hand (£10!) so although the gifts sounds expensive, they werent.

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suzikettles · 29/11/2011 11:06

As always, it's the thought that counts and not the price tag.

Can you say to your cousin that you can't afford to spend as much now there's 2 of them so you'll still be buying a token gift (a book? Something little for £5 - you can get a good present for a pre-schooler somewhere like Tesco or Asda for £5) so that they know you're thinking of them but the big gifts will stop.

Don't fall into the adult trap of thinking something has to cost ££ to be worthwhile. IME, children don't think like that and will be as pleased with a pound shop car as the gift with the big ticket.

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suzikettles · 29/11/2011 11:07

Ok, well you can get a pack of books from The Book People for £5 and that would do you birthdays and Christmas for a couple of years!

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TroublesomeEx · 29/11/2011 11:09

Mm, I think you needed to communicate the decision to them as soon as you made it.

Whilst it might seem odd to you for them to 'expect' a present, but given that you have given him a present every birthday/christmas, you have established this, and the world is based on this type of expectation. The sun has risen everyday of my life. Therefore, I expect it will rise tomorrow. My children's schools are open and they teach them during term time, and I expect them to continue to do so, unless they tell me otherwise.

It's human nature to have an expectation that something that has happened before will happen again once a precedent has been set. It would be rude of them to be cross with you for your decision, but is not rude for them to extrapolate a fact from their experience and then project it into the future.

Anyway, I would explain the situation to them now otherwise you will end up doing something you don't want to do and resent them for it.

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EssexGurl · 29/11/2011 12:08

I think the issue here is communication. People always say "you shouldn't have" but don't actually mean it - it is just one of those things you say. If you have always bought a present, then without prior communication I don't think that it is unreasonable to expect one this year. You need to tell them your financial situation - or just go for something an awful lot cheaper.

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NinkyNonker · 29/11/2011 12:10

To be honest I would buy token gifts, I'm sure this sort of thing happens to a lot of second children.

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DeWe · 29/11/2011 12:19

You need to tell them. Otherwise you have the potentially awkward situation of them asking if the present was lost in the post or something. It's not really about expecting a present, so much as expecting that things haven't changed from last birthday.

Could you say you'd give gifts until they're 5 or something. They will be happy with little things like crayons and such like until then (and probably after too) but then it's fair on #2.

It is difficult with second children though. I don't think there's a way to be fair. They may get #1's stuff "free" plus their own present too, but at that age it's much more about the opening. And, as a second child, I can tell you that some stuff can feel more like borrowing than it being "yours".
eg. At the ages they soon will be they will both want to go on the coupe. Will the parents say "well it is #1's so he can have first go", and then lavish him with praise for sharing "his" toy or will they see it as something that belongs to both equally?

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porcamiseria · 29/11/2011 12:57

buy him a book, a nice book that costs 5.99

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ohbabybaby · 29/11/2011 13:26

As you've always given presents before I think it is fair enough that they expect it and they are not being grasping. They were only thinking of the practicalities.

I must say it is sad though. My aunties & mum have decided that this year everyone will stop buying presents for all the children (ie my cousins children, my DN and my children). I understand why (due to a late batch of babies that is now 9 kids), but at the same time I am a little miffed as I have spent 14 years buying for my cousins' children and now I finally have children it all stops (you can probably tell I have a youngest child/youngest cousin complex here!).

By the way - here is a tip - my lovely neighbours gave DS1 a present for his first christmas and said 'we only do first christmas presents'. Which is great too or else I would have been embarrassed about them continually buying for my family.

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2rebecca · 29/11/2011 13:32

I've never bought my cousin's kids presents, apart from a "welcome to the world" type newborn prexent. Do they buy for your kids? I agree that it if you have decided not to buy presents any more it is reasonable to tell them of this in advance. This year I might just get something cheap as a token and say in the future you don't plan to send presents. Agree it seems a shame on the youngest child.

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lazylula · 29/11/2011 13:55

My auntie always sent ds1 £20 for Christmas, Easter and birthday, when ds2 came along she explained that she would now be splitting the money between the 2 of them, so they get £10 each for Christmas, birthday and Easter. She has left it the same now we have dd. It was entirely up to her whther she gave or not, it was not expected but I appreciated that she voiced the changes she made. Actually, this has just reminded me ds1 needs to phone and thank her for the money he got this weekend!

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iscream · 05/12/2011 07:34

Depends on what you replied when she mentioned you coming when you can with gift.
I'd probably send off a card, but not visit for the birthday, and not mention the birthday. They will hopefully have realized you stopped the presents, and you won't have to come out and mention your finances to them.

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OhTheConfusion · 05/12/2011 08:53

Have you mentioned your plan to stop gifts to your cousin?

Are you stopping altogether due to finances (ie. cant afford gifts at all) or because there are now two and you can't afford to double the budget?

If it's the latter you could always tell your cousin you plan to now only do birthdays OR christmas?

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OhTheConfusion · 05/12/2011 08:54

Sorry just realised origional post was last week!

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