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AIBU?

to say this to a child?

491 replies

MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 05:27

OK, my DS is being regularly beaten up by a boy in his year. My DS is 6 years old and the other child is about the same. I have spoken to the teacher about it, and she spoke to the child. We thought that would be the end of it. However, my DS came home on Thursday and told us that not only had this child done it again, but he was getting other children to hit him, too. I asked DH where the teacher was, and he said that she was talking to some other children, so didn't see. He said he then went to speak to her but she was busy talking to other people, and then the bell went.

So, I have been seething about this all weekend. My DS is a delightful little boy and wants to be friends with everyone. I love him so much and cannot bear the thought of anybody hurting him.

So, this morning I asked DS to point out this child, which he did. I went over to the child with my DS so that he knew who I was. I bent down to the child's level, pointed my finger an inch from his face, and said: "if you ever hurt my son again, there will be trouble. Do you understand me?" The child's lip started quivering and he walked away.

I was stood in the playground for a while to keep an eye on things, and this child kept looking at me. It occurred to me afterwards that as I was wearing sunglasses, he could not see whether or not I was looking at him. He looked a bit intimidated and afterwards I felt quite bad.

My job is to protect my child, non? But why do I feel so bad? And WIBU? Thanks.

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Bearskinwoolies · 20/11/2011 05:31

I'll probably get flamed for saying so, but YANBU.

I've been (with my ds) where you are now and I know how heartbreaking it is, and how much we want to them to be happy and problem free.

Are you going in to speak to the teacher again? It would probably be a good idea to, so that the school knows that the problem is still ongoing; if you don't get any satisfaction, then speak to the head.

There will be others along shortly with wiser words than mine, hope things improve (and soon) for your ds.

MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 05:33

Thanks Bearskinwoolies, I appreciate your response. Hope you got things sorted out with your DS also.

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sashh · 20/11/2011 05:34

Good for you.

MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 05:38

Thank you sashh

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RickGhastley · 20/11/2011 05:46

I will also probably get flamed for saying this but YANBU.

My DS is a delightful little boy and wants to be friends with everyone. I love him so much and cannot bear the thought of anybody hurting him

That just sums it up. You want to protect him, you spoke to the teacher but it carried on.

YANBU.

Thumbwitch · 20/11/2011 05:48

If the teacher isn't dealing effectively with it, then someone has to! Do talk to the teacher again though and tell her that you have spoken to said child yourself in strong terms.

I hope it works and doesn't come back on you - but now just forget about it because what's done is done. And your DS has seen you stand up for him, so he knows you are completely on his side - that's worth a lot in terms of confidence.

Sossiges · 20/11/2011 05:48

YANBU I would do the same myself.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 20/11/2011 05:56

hmmm, I think I'd hit the roof if someone said that to my child, especially at 6 years old. A bit different when they're older.

And I think you should have got all the facts from everyone possible, like teachers, dinner ladies etc, and had a word with this boys mum.

However, I do completely sympathise and it's heartbreaking when your child is being bullied and they dread going to school.

I personally think YABU, as he is only 6. But as it is done now I hope your DS stops getting bullied off this boy.

Loonytoonie · 20/11/2011 06:04

When you say. 'Beaten up', what exactly do you mean? Is your son showing any injuries? To me, 'Beaten up' would mean that he is showing marks to his body and is unable to function fully as a result of his injuries. Yes?

I only ask because it's a pretty emotive term to use for children that are 6 years of age. It's never,ever acceptable to hear that our children are getting hurt by other children, but it's really important to present the facts.

I'm fairly certain that I would have been sorely tempted to react in the same way as you - what Mother doesn't want to? But, you have to be very careful about the way you deal with things, especially in the school grounds, since it couldbackfire upon you. Schools take a heavy stance on intimidating behaviour from parents to pupils and you may see yourself in front of the Head, should someone have seen this. You may well say "Bring it on", but believe me, it won't bode well for you as a parent, should this happen.

If it had been me, and I'd like to say at this point, that it HAS been me, I would be waiting in the yard to have a quiet, but very firm word with the parent of this child and categorically say, that this behaviour needs to stop Now. Else you take matters further with the school. I did this, saw the class teacher again, but also made an appointment to see the Head to discuss their Anti-Bullying policy and to state how utterly disappointed I was with the way things were being handled.

I can't blame you OP, and certainly if this child were much older, I'd probably go down this same route, but at 6? Hmm. You should have returned to the school, and most certainly spoken to his parents first, I feel.

Icelollycraving · 20/11/2011 06:06

Tbh I understand you doing it but you should have followed up things properly with the school. You will find it difficult to do that now & you may have his mum complain etc. I may well have done the same.
It did remind me of the hand that rocks the cradle!

MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 06:10

Loonytoonie, ordinarily, I would speak to the parents, however this child gets the school bus, so we never see the parents.

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Loonytoonie · 20/11/2011 06:23

Does any other parent on the school yard, of the same class, have a mobile number for them? I think it's absolutely critical to how this child behaves, that you speak to his parents. You may not have a leg to stand on with them now, should he tell them that you've approached him as they may decide to support him instead of you now.

MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 06:27

I don't really know. We're quite new, I work full-time and although I do the school run, I don't hang around with other parents. Most mothers don't work yet most kids get the school bus. I am trying to get to know people but it takes time, I guess.

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runningwilde · 20/11/2011 06:28

Yanbu and if my child did something like this and was told off by a parent I would be fine with it as I think you are actually teaching the bully boy a good lesson and it doesn't hurt for him to be a little scared and learn that there are consequences to actions

But - this may - and probably isn't the end of it so the school MUST sort this out. it is terrible that the teacher and the school has been so ineffective at dealing with this and you must talk to teacher and even the head of the Scholl again. Ask about their bullying policy and why haven't they done everything to stamp this out. They should have dealt with it properly and still
Need to. Kids need to understand that bullying will not be tolerated. Parents need to instill this first and then so does the school so get onto them and really show how displeased you are with their ineffectual dealing of this and insist they sort it and sort it now

MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 06:33

You are right, runningwilde. I will speak to DS' teacher this afternoon and I will mention that I had a word with the child as well.

Incidentally, if my DS was behaving like this and a fellow parent told him off, I would be fine with it, too.

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seeker · 20/11/2011 06:43

So you did this base entirely on the word of a 6 year old? You didn't checknwith the teacher, the dinner ladies, other parents- anyone?

Were there any marks on your child? Any evidence at all?

If not, then you are being very unreasonable to speak so intimidatingly to a 6 year old.

CheerfulYank · 20/11/2011 06:43

YANBU!

You didn't say "I'll pound you into the ground, you little shit" or similar for heaven's sake.

And I think 6 is the right time to do it...you can't talk to the other children when they're teens, for instance, because then it's "Oh X needs his mummy to defend him..."

I think what you did was fine and I hope that's the end of it.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 20/11/2011 07:03

No flames from me. My DD was in a similar situation, I threatened to snap the fingers off a child if her ever dared pinch my DD again.
He didn't.

MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 07:05

Nice one Kreecher

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seeker · 20/11/2011 07:09

So do you all think 6 year olds are invariably reliable witnesses?

daveywarbeck · 20/11/2011 07:09

YANBU. You may in fact have saved the boy from becoming a thorough little shit as he gets older.

seeker · 20/11/2011 07:14

Or you may have threatened and scared a child who who regularly has rough and tumble games with your ds, which your ds, like many 6 yer olds, calls being beaten up on the days hen he comes out worst.

KittyFane · 20/11/2011 07:16

YANBU. Did the trick didn't it?
The other boy's parents probably wouldn't agree with me though!!

MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 07:16

You seem to have a very low opinion of my DS seeker, which is odd seeing as you don't know him.

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daveywarbeck · 20/11/2011 07:16

Do you usually accuse your children of lying when they tell you about a problem, seeker? Interesting technique. The OP said it had been going for some time, the teaching staff have been involved. Why do you assume the OP's son is exaggerating/lying?

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