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AIBU?

to confront my mother about this?

42 replies

rocksandhardplaces · 19/11/2011 10:13

I am currently pregnant and having a hard time... had anxiety/depression in my last pregnancy and have sought help this time.

Counselling has made me realise the extent to which I was neglected in my childhood, and.. yes, abused.

My father is an alcoholic and I have had counselling/group therapy over the years about this and am pretty well aware of what it did and the coping mechanisms it produced, and have dealt with much of this. However, this pregnancy for the first time I really realise that my father has been the focus for years when in some ways my mother was worse. I have spent years convincing myself my mother was great and the rock that helped us flourish.. but..

it's not true.

When they split, she basically went AWOL. I was 11 and left in sole charge of my 4 year old sister 6/7 nights a week, cooking Findus crispy pancakes and going to sleep in my uniform with a knife under my pillow because I was so scared. There was often no food in the house, which was a tip unless we cleaned it... there were all sorts of things thathappened.

But more than this, she did some weird stuff. She is a teacher and when we went on holiday when I was 11, she took a 12 year old girl from school as her "friend" on holiday. I still don't know how a) she got away with this, what the hell were this girl's parents thinking!!!! and b) why she would have done that, it was such an immense rejection of me at that time in my life.

I want to know why.. but I know that she would flip if we talked about it.. her attitude is the past is the past.. and we superficially get on amazingly now, and have a very "normal" mother/daughter relationship.. but it makes no sense to me.. why would you befriend a girl a year older than your daughter when you had no time for them at all? Why would you take her on holiday? How did NOBODY see how weird this was? How did she get away with just totally neglecting my sister and I???

I want to know, but I don't know what I will get out of it. I don't know if it will make any difference. I have mentioned it to her before.. but it has always been a no go area as a subject...

AIBU?

OP posts:

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MarinaAzul · 19/11/2011 10:21

Write her a letter, you are intitled to answers.
She,perhaps thinks, she is making up for her bad parenting by being a good mother now but that is not good enough, you need answers and she needs to face up and atone for the past.

MarinaAzul · 19/11/2011 10:22

What does your sister say?

Pagwatch · 19/11/2011 10:26

You can't tailor your feelings to suit how she will respond.
If you want to ask, ask. How she responds is then her choice.

But to continue this pretence that everything is fine will eat you up.
You have children. Teaching them that you avoid emotional issues, continuing that atmosphere that some subjects should be left unspoken because the truth must be covered up, is bad.

FabbyChic · 19/11/2011 10:27

Write a letter, you don't have to send it but it will help cleanse the way you feel and get the feelings out onto paper, if you do decide to send it great, if not just keep it.

Gigondas · 19/11/2011 10:31

Marinas idea is a good one but although it may help you get it out there , I am not sure it will actually get you any answers. So you may want to think about if counselling/ therapy can offer you another way to explore and deal with these issues as doubt dialogue with your mum will lead anywhere.

I do think having kids and ESP being pregnant brings this all back. I have had therapy a lot of which dealt with the way my mother in particular behaved (split with my dad and step dad had alcohol issues which all impacted). I have also taken view for now that my coping strategy is to understand impact of my mothers behaviour (I don't want to go on about me but sympathise in having to find another way when simpler solution would be to talk to your mum).

ImperialBlether · 19/11/2011 10:34

Did she take the girl on holiday and leave you behind?

Clossaintjacques · 19/11/2011 10:40

Without divulging too much information I can totally relate to your situation.

However, I think it can be a mistake to look for answers, even though it's the natural thing to want. Invariably you will not get the answers you are looking for, you will probably not be dealing with someone who has rational thought. Your mother will probably selectively have forgotten some of the things you remember and it might lead you to start questioning whether the things you remember actually happened.

In short, what you are looking for is a rational response and probably an apology or explanation to make sense of her actions. In reality this is highly unlikely to happen. Don't set yourself up to be disappointed.

rocksandhardplaces · 19/11/2011 10:49

Imperial, she took the girl with us on holiday, but she would take her out for dinner and walk with her on the beach and leave me in the holiday home.

I know she won't engage with me on it. I just wish I knew what was going on, I wish I could make sense of it somehow.

I just never really thought about all of this before counselling.. It has always been daddy, daddy, daddy... but the memories are coming thick and fast.

She is coming to visit next week and I don't even want to see her... yet I want to...

Aaargh!

OP posts:

Clossaintjacques · 19/11/2011 10:55

It really does make it worse when you are pregnant or have a young child. One way to try and deal with it is to think of your mother as mentally unstable. It sounds that the things she did no normal person would do. So, in fact she must have had something wrong with her mentally at the time.
I don't know whether it will help but once you realise that you are not dealing with a normal rational person it might help you understand her terrible actions better.

ImperialBlether · 19/11/2011 11:11

Well, you could write to her and say,

"It will be nice to see you next week. There's something I should tell you, though, before you come. I have been thinking a lot about my childhood. I'd always blamed my dad for my unhappiness and have had counselling. The thing is, I remember you behaving really, really badly and I was very unhappy as a result. For example, do you remember how you used to go out and leave me without food, trying to care for the other children?

I've been thinking about this a lot and would like to talk to you about it. I get the feeling you won't want to discuss this.

If you come to visit, it's inevitable I'll want to talk about this and try to find out why you acted in the way you did. If you don't feel up to that, maybe we should put off your visit until you are ready to talk about it.

Just let me know."

ImperialBlether · 19/11/2011 11:12

Sorry, should have been "4 year old X", rather than "other children."

Scoundrel · 19/11/2011 11:16

As I don't have any experience here I won't try to advise on what you should do, if anything.

However, the other girl coming on holiday day with you? That seems to be a bit of a mystery. It doesn't seem likely that she brought her as a friend for you seeing as how she took her out to dinner and walks without you. It seems likely that there was a back story there that you might not know about, something along the lines of her having family problems of her own that your mum had picked up on as her teacher? I don't think it would inappropriate of you to ask your mum now to see if she has any explanation for you as an adult.

rocksandhardplaces · 19/11/2011 11:20

Imperial, that seems a very sensible letter... she is flying here though so she will have to come.

Scoundrel, there were no family problems in this girl's home. When I have asked her about it before, she said "I just liked her a lot". My aunt was on this holiday too, they were both single mums and I had a friend from my year at school. My aunt, my mother and this girl would go out together or my mother would go out with this girl alone while the rest of us (me, my friend, my sister and my aunt's kids) would stay in. At the time, we thought this girl was just SO much more grown up that was why she could go out with the adults and we couldn't but now I realise, looking back, that she was only 12 so that makes no sense.

OP posts:

Scoundrel · 19/11/2011 11:23

I tell you what doesn't make sense - can you imagine a women, your daughter's teacher, asking if she could take your 12yr old daughter on holiday with her and you agreeing?!! She'd have to be very good friends with the family outside of school, is that the case?

rocksandhardplaces · 19/11/2011 11:34

No, not family friends at all.

My sister and I have been wondering would her parents have assumed she was coming on holiday as my friend as there was only a school year between us. My mother would have had very good standing in the community as a teacher so that would have given her trust then, I think. This was about 22 years ago.

OP posts:

rocksandhardplaces · 19/11/2011 11:48

"Sore tummy, mammy kiss?"

OP posts:

rocksandhardplaces · 19/11/2011 11:48

Oops, that was supposed to be on the "what makes you feel like a real mum" discussion of the day!!!

OP posts:

cottonreels · 19/11/2011 12:19

Is there any possibility that the girl is a relative of yours/your mums. Another daughter, or your aunts daughter. Maybe a pregnancy/child they were trying to keep secret from you? Really, that's the only reason that screams out to me. Would explain why your mum still doesn't want to talk about it. Am not trying to be sensationalist and sorry if the thought of that is hard to hear.
Can you ask other family members, maybe the aunt?

hackmum · 19/11/2011 13:48

The 12-year old girl on holiday thing is extremely weird, and I honestly don't think there's an innocent explanation for it. If it was isolated, well, maybe, but this really alarms me:

"When they split, she basically went AWOL. I was 11 and left in sole charge of my 4 year old sister 6/7 nights a week, cooking Findus crispy pancakes and going to sleep in my uniform with a knife under my pillow because I was so scared. There was often no food in the house, which was a tip unless we cleaned it... there were all sorts of things that happened."

Wtf was going on there? Where was she going to? You can go to prison for that kind of thing, so what on earth was she thinking of? Perhaps she got away with a lot because she was a teacher but she sounds to me to have been seriously disturbed.

Finallygotaroundtoit · 19/11/2011 13:59

If you want answers from your mum don't write about her treating you badly in the letter (at least not initially)

I would write that you want her to explain to you, in adult terms, why this girl came on holiday.

Don't let her fob you off.

Stay calm but stick to this one issue and avoid the neglect for now or else she will get defensive.

Do you think the relationship was abusive or just inappropriate?

MarinaAzul · 19/11/2011 14:39

You need and deserve answers! She will have to comply if your 'Mother and and daughter(and Grandmother to your baby )relationship is to continue.
Do you suspect anything untoward going on between your Mother and this girl?

RedHelenB · 19/11/2011 14:47

I think you are tying yourself in knots over this & for no reason. Concentrate on now & the future, you give your children the childhood you would have liked.

LineRunnerSaturnalia · 19/11/2011 14:52

I was very struck by what Clossaintjacques said: "Your mother will probably selectively have forgotten some of the things you remember and it might lead you to start questioning whether the things you remember actually happened."

My sister had counselling for years in respect of our mother (father had always been blamed for everything) and I had some but not as much as her. We started to speak about things in our 40s and began to be able to confirm that we did have the same memories. I then spoke to our brother who confirmed the same.

It was a significant development, as our mother had played a very good 'divide and rule' strategy up till that point.

DoMeDon · 19/11/2011 15:32

YANBU but I wonder what you are hoping to achieve? Your superficially get on now and you seem sure you will not get the closure you seek.

I have tried for years to come to terms with my father's alcoholism, etc. I accept him now for what he was and what he is. Personally I would let it go. Write an angry letter - get all your frustration, fear, anger, etc out onto the page and burn it. Choose to forgive your mother unconditionally for what has happened, it's past. She made bad choices, made you feel rejected. There is real joy to be found in appreciating what you have instead of yearning for what you missed.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/11/2011 16:13

"I want to know why.. but I know that she would flip if we talked about it.. her attitude is the past is the past.. and we superficially get on amazingly now, and have a very "normal" mother/daughter relationship"

I have no experience here, so feel free to ignore; but I really don't think it can be healthy for you to have this 'superficially amazing' relationship with this woman. (I know she's your mother but I struggle to grant her the title.) Because it's a lie. A huge lie.

You say you're having help this time for the depression/anxiety - I presume counselling? Can you talk to the counsellor about this?

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