to bash my mother's and sister's heads together?

[afishcalledmummy]

I'll try to keep this short but am in a very ranty mood.

Younger sister is 30. She lives at home with my parents, as she has done since leaving university (where she lived in hall for 3 years) aside from a stint living out for around 6 months last year. She pays no rent/board and is allowed to treat the place as she sees fit - her room puts the grubbiest 14 year old's to shame, and the less said about the bathroom she uses the better.

She is constantly in trouble with money, in spite of having no living expenses or bills to pay (though she insists that paying the minimum payment on her credit cards each month is "paying bills") and has been bailed out by my parents a number of times now, to the tune of many thousands of pounds.

She has been fired from her last three jobs, and has now just got a new one, in a town some miles from where she lives which would require around an hour and a half on the bus commute. She knew this when she applied for the job and did regardless. Anyway, now she has the job my mother is buying her a car to get to and from work. Because my sister is so spoiled precious she can't be expected to take the bus every day and hence has been bought said car. This is the second one they've given her in the last 7 or so years (and DH gave her our old one when she needed a car but she left it off the road, going to ruin and sold it for pennies in the spring).

Anyway, I am totally fuming! I didn't even get a birthday present this year and she has been given a car? Would it be terribly unreasonable of me to go round and demand I am afforded the same treatment as her? Or to knock some sense into them all? I feel like a teenager whining it's not fair and stamping my foot, but it's really not. Why is she given more for being totally useless, and I (and my older sister) get nothing?

[tooearlymustdache]

it's the pits being treated differently than someone you think is less deserving but really, it's up to them isn't it?

[toddlerama]

Ultimately, your parents can see that you are an adult. I always think parents helping out adult children well into adulthood has an air of embarassment about it rather than favouritism. ie they haven't prepared them for adulthood. I was the one getting the assistance until last year btw.

[OldMumsy]

Feel your pain, I don't speak to my sister now both my parents are dead.

[MsWetherwax]

Also feel your pain. Have a similarly useless younger sibling, except mine has recently moved back to my Mum's with 2 children, numerous pets and a partner, and expects my poor Mum (who is just recovering from Breast Cancer) to do all the washing, ironing etc that this entails. It was only 6 months ago that my dad decorated her house from top to bottom. My parents know they are being unfair, as I have had a long heart to heart with them, but the bottom line is I am confident and capable, and she is not, so she "needs" them more than I do. Sucks doesn't it. Don't go in guns blazing, be rational and calm, otherwise it'll sound like sour grapes, and try to remember there is a compliment in there somewhere, even if it is back handed!

[scarlettsmummy2]

I have been there too- my younger brother, aged 26, is very similar, although he has now moved out thanks to my mum and dad supplementing his rent and car and go knows what else. It is absolutely infuriating. However, one word of caution, I did speak to my mother about the differential treatment and got absolutely no-where. So think carefully before you go in all guns blazing- in my mothers case, she argued that we got the same as she is very good to my daughter and contributed heavily to my wedding (the fact that it wasn't so much the money but allowing my brother to be continuously useless was irrelevant to her!)

[needanewname]

I would say something to your parents but not your sister. I also agree with not going in all guns blazing. It might be helpful to list all your points so that they can see how unfair it is to you and also point out that they are not actually helping her.

What do they think will happen when they die or if they get seriously I'll. If they really want to help her they need to start now. Charge rent, stop laundry, cooking etc. it may be to late re the car but they should stop running after her.

Good luck

[JarethTheGoblinKing]

I would have to say something. My sister is similar (getting slowly better) but they have always bailed her out and she's always got away with murder. Our parents have babied her so much that she's practically incapable of standing on her own two feet, it's fucking irritating. I have recently spoken to my Mum several times about this as it's harming our relationship and that of my other Sister and our Mum.

My parents are retired and would love to move near the sea, but they couldn't possibly do it 'in case she needs us'

[doradoo]

I have a sister exactly the same as you describe... I could go on about the misdemeanours and the favouritisms....

It feels as if one is being penalised for being an adult / capable.... doesn't it?

I'm not sure saying anything to them would necessarily help - if yours is anything like mine it's been going on for so long that the parents don't see what they're doing to perpetuate the dependence.

I hope to god I'm not like that with my kids when they're grown - I couldn't imagine them being destitute - but surely that's what I'm here for isn't it - to ensure that when they reach adulthood they're suitably equipped to face it and survive?

Hope you get some closure on this OP - would love to know what you do/how it turns out.