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To be hurt by bil and sil's actions?

(28 Posts)
Moulesfrites Tue 25-Oct-11 12:59:28

Bil and sil were due to have their 2 dds christened on Sunday. We had bought a gift, bought new outfits for ds and I, and we're looking forward to the day. A week before hand we got a text to say it had been cancelled. Turned out the vicar had had a nervous breakdown. I text sil to say what a shame it was, and also to ask whether she still wanted the gift, as it was a plate we did at one of those ceramics places and it had the date on, so obviously would be redundant now it wasn't going ahead on that date. She never replied.

Anyway, fast forward to this week, and we have just found out that the christening did go ahead after all. Apparently the church found a replacement. We have found this out through mil who is devastated that she was not invited. Bil's explanation is that they were doing 3 weeks worth of christenings in one go and it was going to be "a conveyor belt" so they didn't tell pil or us, or infact anyone on bil's side of family that it was going ahead. My dh's uncle and his wife, who they had asked to be godparents, had pallaned on traveeling up nd booked a hotel, and they were still under the impression that the christening was off, they are pretty upset too. They had sil's sister and her bf as other godparents as planned, and apparently sil's family were there.

I just feel really hurt by this. We have spent time and money preparing for the event,a nd have done nothing to warrant such treatment, we always send gifts and cards to mark special occasions but it was dh 's bday last week and he didn't even get a text from his brother. Wwyd in this situation? Aibu to be upset? It is not the first time theybhave acted so ignorantly towards my dh's side of family.

Bossybritches22 Tue 25-Oct-11 13:03:03

Pig ignorant & YANBU to be upset.

Very odd behaviour, but your DH needs to sort this one, with his parents too I suspect.

If the IL's don't want contact for whatever reason, then they should tell you so you can move on.

duckdodgers Tue 25-Oct-11 13:04:30


How horrible, conveyor belt or not they still had time to tell and space for her family though eh. Selfish ungrateful people.

Pancakeflipper Tue 25-Oct-11 13:05:31

If both sides of the family didn't attend then I would excuse it as a last minute change of plan and not stew over it.

But with 1 side of the family attending and the other not I'd be speaking to DB and ask what is going on. Is he 'controlled'by SIL? Does he need to grow some?

LynetteScavo Tue 25-Oct-11 13:09:24

It's as though they are trying to cut out that side of the family. Can you see any reason for this? All sounds very sad, no wonder you are upset.

Personally I would send the plate, and leave it at that. I really would bother with them anymore, apart from a card and a small gift for their DCs birthday/Christmas.

Balsam Tue 25-Oct-11 13:11:14

YANBU - you have been snubbed. If it's not the first time something lime this has happened, then there's something going on. Does SIL get on OK with the family?

skybluepearl Tue 25-Oct-11 13:11:30

pig ignorant i think

chinam Tue 25-Oct-11 13:15:42

Definitely not BU. I would be gutted if this happened to me.

Moulesfrites Tue 25-Oct-11 14:12:50

Sil gets on ok, but it is not he first time they have cut themselves off, just this time it so blatant. I don't understand why we were invited in the first place if they didn't want us there.

ImperialBlether Tue 25-Oct-11 14:22:59

This is clearly down to the SIL, in my opinion. What kind of man is your BIL to allow his own parents to be treated like that?

KatieMortician Tue 25-Oct-11 14:27:43

I disagree it's the SIL's doing. It is his family and therefore his responsibility.

It may be she asked him to contact his side and she'd do his and his didn't. Or it might be something else. There is no evidence to blame SIL any way.

YANBU to be upset OP

MsVestibule Tue 25-Oct-11 14:42:04

Agree with KatieM. It does sound as though he "forgot" to tell his family, for whatever reason. YADNBU, I'd be really upset - but with your BIL, not your SIL. And your poor MIL, she must be gutted to have missed her GDs christening. I'd not bother with either of them again, even if it would mean the cousins miss out on buliding a relationship.

Northernlurker Tue 25-Oct-11 14:55:54

shock - so they totally excluded your bil's entire family including godparents but included hers? WHY would you behave like that? I don't blame you for being hurt. Personally I woud be ravingly furious!

Moblem Tue 25-Oct-11 15:04:48

I also agree with Katie M. His family, his responsibility. Don't know why you're blaming her - does he not have a tongue? Access to a phone? As a grown man, surely he is capable of phoning his family and giving the details - or maybe he just doesn't care??

starfishmummy Tue 25-Oct-11 15:08:15

It does seem deliberate doesn't it.
The christening plate is useless to the OP so my inclination would be to ceremonially smash it into bits and then post it to the SIL.

KatieMortician Tue 25-Oct-11 15:09:02

To be fair to the OP I don't think she is blaming just SIL. She is blaming the pair of them (quite right too). I was responding to ImperialBlether that she holds the SIL responsible when there's no evidence to make that leap at the moment.

AurraSing Tue 25-Oct-11 15:09:59

Are you sure all of SIL family were there? If you have only spoken to your mil and she wasn't there, how does she know who was?

It sounds to me that bil didn't bother telling his side of the family that the Christening was back on, or assumed that his wife would do it. I don't know why SIL is getting the blame (on here) for it.

perceptionreality Tue 25-Oct-11 15:10:48


JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Tue 25-Oct-11 15:11:17

Maybe they didn't realise other people would go to so much trouble, and thought it wouldn't be such a big deal for them.

Thzumbazombiewitch Tue 25-Oct-11 15:11:21

YANBU - what a horrible thing for your BIL to do to his family. Whether or not your SIL instigated it, he should have stood up for his own family - if hers were there, his should have been as well. Especially not to let the prospective godparents know!

KatieMortician Tue 25-Oct-11 15:11:27

Yes the SIL bashing is a bit annoying. And silly.

ENormaSnob Tue 25-Oct-11 15:15:32


Really shitty behaviour from your bil and sil imo.

Are your dhs family quite hideous or something?

I can't think of any situation when this would be acceptable.

Hullygully Tue 25-Oct-11 15:18:37

He probably just oculdn't be bothered to make the phone calls..

LydiaWickham Tue 25-Oct-11 15:18:38

YANBU - horrible thing for BIL to do, it's his family, he should have called you to let you know. OK, it might have been a more toned down event, but you could have dressed a bit more informally and gone along, even if it wasn't the whole 'do' they had been originally planning.

Has he appologised to people who'd booked hotels etc?

Moulesfrites Tue 25-Oct-11 16:04:05

I feel more annoyed with bil than sil really. I honestly don't know what we have done wrong sad

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