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To ask my dh to stay out of the pub for the next week..

(19 Posts)
Irishchic Mon 24-Oct-11 21:34:41

..even though his brother is home from London, (we live in Northern Ireland) because he went out on Sat night with a bunch of old schoolmates and staggered home blind drunk at 4am slurring words and unable to stand up.

And he had already been out 2 nights before on the thursday on his weekly few pints with his golfing fourball, he goes out every thurday, from 9ish to 12 or half 12. Dont mind that as long as he doesnt overdo it.

Was disgusted and very upset at the state he came home on sat night. our 6 year old son woke up and saw his dad, and asked why "daddy couldnt talk properly."

Usually when his brother comes home they go out and end up overdoing in, home at 3am sort of thing. So have asked him to just stay out of the pub over the weekend and have his brother round to our house instead for a few beers, that way I know at least he wont end up blind drunk at 3am.

I dont like asking this of him, I feel he should be disgusted enough with himself to decide this himself, he IS disgusted at himself, but after a couple of days would have forgotten about it and be ready to go out again.

The pub culture is very strong around here, and I feel that he really resents that I have asked this of him. AIBU to ask this?

aldiwhore Mon 24-Oct-11 21:44:52

Hmm. YABU. I don't understand why your 6 year old needed to see him? Or why at six, you can't either lie and tell him daddy's tired or tell the truth and tell him daddy drank too much beer? I also don't quite get the whole 'disgusted' thing.

I know that alcoholism is something truly vile and if you were having to explain your DH's behaviour most days to your child my reaction would be different, but it doesn't sound like he's doing it a lot.

I know I've been on night's out and come home, not blind drunk, but obviously under the influence, and if our sons have woken up DH will see to them in their rooms and I stay out of the way. I've been very drunk once, last Christmas when I got carried away with a free bar and kareoke and then forgot my key. I WAS pretty ashamed of myself then, but not DISGUSTED.

The reason I think YABU is not that YABU about not LIKING seeing your DH drunk, I was a barmaid for too mnay years to think drunk people are funny/attractive/witty etc., but YABU to step inbetween two brothers who don't see so much of each other over something that really is not a concern or major issue, just something you don't like.

My childhood friend is visiting next month, if MY DH told asked me to not go out with her, I'd be pretty pissed off about it, we'd row. I will try not to go crazy out of respect to my family life, but I'm certainly going to drink. Because I like to. I don't worry about that at all, because for the other three days she'll be here we'll be drinking tea and nattering.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots Mon 24-Oct-11 21:47:23

It's his brother, YABVVVU.

StopRainingPlease Mon 24-Oct-11 21:47:46

I can't understand why any man (or woman) would put themselves in a position where their child would see them in such a state. Obviously lots do though...

SolidGoldVampireBat Mon 24-Oct-11 21:49:58

OP, have you past issues with alcoholism eg growing up with an alcoholic in the family? Do you drink alcohol yourself? Because your reaction does seem a bit disproportionate: lots of people drink and get drunk sometimes.

QuintessentialShadyHallows Mon 24-Oct-11 21:51:05

I dont understand the responses. Yes, it is his brother. Why does this mean they need to get drunk together? What is the point? There are other things to do. Like bowling, a nice meal, a movie, a few beers at home.

fuzzynavel Mon 24-Oct-11 21:51:43

You are and you aren't. Dare I say the Irish, Scottish and Welsh have a drinking culture for want of a better (PC) word. If his brother is down there is no way you can curtail this. Pick a better battle.

I can say this as my son is part Irish, part Scottish and part Welsh! smile

NorfolkBroad Mon 24-Oct-11 21:55:38

I am with you OP. I would find it very hard to accept my DP coming home that drunk on a regular basis. However, if it's not regular but just so happens that he has had several invites in the one week (like you might at Christmas) I wouldn't find it distressing.

Irishchic Mon 24-Oct-11 21:56:26

hmm aldiwhore, I do see your point, which is why I put this in AIBU, because i genuinely am not sure what to do.

I should have said in OP that for several years from the start of our marriage his drinking was a big problem and eventually, after we nearly split up, he sorted it out, and adjusted his behaviour. So any sign of serious drunkeness brings back many unhappy memories for me, and probably I am over sensitive to it, and perhaps overreact to it too. I am terrified that he will slip back into the behaviour that I thought was in the past, and has been in the past mostly this last couple of years.

He spent the weekend with his brother on a fishing trip at the beginning of the month, so i suppose I dont feel that he never gets to see him, and also not banning him from seeing brother just asking him to see him at home as opposed to in the house, but yeah, its doesnt sit well with me to do this.

Re our son, he was in our bed when dh staggered into bedroom at 4am as dh had agreed to sleep in our sons room so as not to disturb me so the wee man was in our bed instead. i did fob him off that dad was really really tired, but still not happy that he had to see it.

fuzzynavel Mon 24-Oct-11 21:59:39

Well there you go then. He's a drinker and won't change really. My ex was exactly the same. It's bloody ingrained sometimes.

Irishchic Mon 24-Oct-11 22:01:19

Norfolk - He goes out every week for a few pints, which I have no problem with. He goes away every year with this and 3 other brothers, and he has a various nights away at music concerts and a week long golf trip every year, so whatever else i might be, i am not controlling over him in terms of his social life and boys holidays.

fuzzynavel Mon 24-Oct-11 22:04:50

Irishchic, I feel for you. Please don't try to justify your behaviour, its him!

GreenBlueRed Mon 24-Oct-11 22:05:03

There shouldn't be a problem with you asking, and he should probably see that it is a good idea given the excess over the past week. It wouldn't be great if you felt you had to insist, but then that would suggest your relationship with each other, and/or his relationship with drink, had bigger problems anyway.

NorfolkBroad Mon 24-Oct-11 22:06:53

Irishchic I hope that didn't come across as if I was saying you were controlling, I absolutely wasnt! I was just thinking about how I find it amusing when my DP comes home drunk over the festive season because it is a very rare event! If she did it all the time I would find it annoying. He sounds like he has a very fun social life and therefore I don't see why your request is unreasonable.

fuzzynavel Mon 24-Oct-11 22:08:06

He "control drinks" for a while the poooof, it comes back. You are living with an ingrained drinker.

aldiwhore Mon 24-Oct-11 22:12:01

OP that makes more sense. If you can limit his 'normal' drinking nights, then the ocassional ones don't matter so much but I can still understand why you'd always view these nights with dread.

I guess if you're a drinker (rather than an alcoholic though obviously they're related!) then you have to have some ground rules that you absolutely have to stick to. If he's not gone down the teetotal route, then I can understand the need for limits imposed by him AND you.

I'm not sure an ocassional visit from his brother is the best thing, does the brother know about the issues surrounding ale?

Irishchic Mon 24-Oct-11 22:37:38

Aldiwhore - yes, I would prefer that he sets his own limits, and by and large he does that and has curtailed the worst of his behaviour, but it is always there, the way he seems to drink quicker than everyone else, and the fact that he is always the one pushing for one more round, I've learned to live with it, and he is so good in other ways that its just a weakness in him that we work around. I HATE setting him limits such as this weekend, but every now and again, very very rarely, i feel compelled to say, enough now, this is what i need you to do for ME. His brother knows the whole story, but unfortunately he is younger, single, and not just up for drinking but also enjoys his recreational drugs too, thankfully dh not into that side of things.

Fuzzy thanks, yep, its hard to deal with at times. I feel like i am fighting against a culture thats totally acceptable ie that real men will drink till they fall over sort of thing.

Norfolk - thanks for that too, it is reassuring. I have learnt over the years that trying to control things just breeds resentment, but I also have learnt that I have to be able to set the boundary for me, or I will also start to resent him too, its a fine line.

DogsBeastFiend Mon 24-Oct-11 23:03:14

I don't see where you are in the wrong at all. I won't have anyone who is pissed in my house, I don't care WHO they are! (And no, I don't come from a family which has alcohol problems, nor from a teetotal one, come to that and yes, I DO drink).

I'm very much against having drunks around small children, especially when the drunk/s is/are someone who should be setting an example to the child and who the child looks up to and should never fear or be troubled about.

He'd have 2 options if he were my DH... stay sober (merry is fine, pissed isn't) or stay away.

sunnydelight Tue 25-Oct-11 06:28:29

You are treating your DH like a child so on that basis yes, YABU. It is totally reasonable though to not want him rolling home blind drunk, or to be that drunk in front of your child, but I guess you need to try and find some adult to adult way to deal with the bigger issue.

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